Was I BU with my partner this morning ?

[thetwocultures]

Small issue but I'm questioning myself.
I work PT evenings and DP works FT anything from 7/8 am to 6/7pm. I usually get home late due to public transport (about 11.30pm) x2 a week after his training DP can get me from work and then we get home at 9.30pm.
He picked me up yesterday we came home and stayed up for a bit, pottered about etc and we went to bed there was plenty of time for him to say if he needed something.
(I usually iron him a shirt or 2 for work when he tells me he needs them.)
So this morning he walks into the bedroom after his shower me still asleep, puts the lights on as he's with DS who woke up and starts getting dressed. He realises he doesn't have any ironed shirts and starts his little huffing and puffing, I ask him if he wants me to iron one now and he says there's no time and he thought I did two for him the other day ( I didn't & he never asked for 2). So he just puts on a shirt that was hanging up in the wardrobe and grumbles something about not having cufflinks like WTF he has lots lying around somewhere but I'm no cufflink keeper if he's implying it's my fault.
He finishes getting ready, comes into the bedroom to put his shoes on and complains saying he looks like a 'tramp'. I say that you can't really see creases on the shirt, it just has the normal creases of an ironed shirt that has been worn if that makes sense?
He just shakes his head and says I need to get DS because he needs to leave, I barely stretch in bed and DP just sets off downstairs with a distraught 20mo following after him (DS can get down the stairs fine) so I jump out of bed without being able to put anything on as I'm thinking DPs just going to walk straight out and leave upset DS on his own downstairs I get there and DPs at the door and I tell him he doesn't have to be like that I didn't even have a chance to put my robe on to which DP says exactly this "you just don't get it I'm sorry but you don't" and says bye and leaves.
AIBU to think he should tell me if/when he needs shirts since I've agreed to iron them for him and he knows I hate ironing I'm no mind reader and don't know what he does on set days (he's self employed) and he shouldn't huff and puff about it when it's too late?
He'll probably deny acting funny later but usually when we're all up before he leaves he'd say a proper goodbye and DS a kiss and a big cuddle not just make a bolt for the door.
I know this is a childish issue compared to the ones on here but was IBU? Should I just always make sure DS has ready shirts and clothes for work even if he doesn't need them because he works long hours? Or am I right in waiting for him to tell me if he needs them like he would do before when he'd tell me e.g. "I need 3 shirts for this week" and I'd just have them ready for Monday for him.
I'm just sick of feeling like he's trying to make me feel guilty

[Chickpearocker]

Can't you send his shirts out to be ironed so that there's no miscommunication in the future?

[ShowMeTheElf]

He was snippy. He wasn't entirely reasonable.
I don't think I'd be particularly gracious if I didn't have anything clean for work and was trying to wrangle a whiney toddler and my partner was lying in bed chatting to me, without necessarily feeling that it was their fault that the shirt wasn't clean.
If he's getting ready for work you need to look after the toddler. He can't look after the toddler and sort his clothes out....some people can, but I think you need to accept that for whatever reason he can't.
I think that the shirt issue is actually a red herring here.
Usually I'm all for telling members of the family to sort their own stuff but in this case (after asking for an apology tonight as he was rude) in your shoes I'd be making both your lives easier by double checking the shirts situation before bed (as it is a job you usually do) and sorting your child out while your DP gets ready.

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

I'm male, I would say that I can iron a shirt in about 2/3 minutes (have to wear a well ironed shirt as part of uniform)...the only reason I can do that is practice (plus fact that shirts have been ironed that often they fall into the sleeve creases etc.

I think your dp needs a bit of practice ....start him ironing his own shit, or paying for the dry cleaner to do it

[notangelinajolie]

I despair sometimes. The OP just wants to know if anyone thinks her DH was being unreasonable this morning - and she comes on Mnet and gets a lesson on how to not make her marriage work. The OP has explained that shirt ironing is one of the 'job's she does. The OP wasn't asking if anyone thinks she should iron his shirts - she just wanted to know if he was being unreasonable this morning.

So, was he being unreasonable this morning? Yes he was, because he didn't think to ask in advance. He was being a grumpy git and he was out of order. OP, he should tell you how many shirts he is going to need that week and if he doesn't then it's not your fault. Don't feel bad - he needs to apologise.

Rant alert. The OP has said that she irons his shirts and she seems ok with this. I iron my DH's shirts also and it's not because I'm some kind of repressed 1950's housewife. I do it because it works for us - DH and I work as as team - he does some shitty jobs too ie defrosting the freezer and cleaning up cat sick give me shirt ironing anyday.

[BeautyQueenFromMars]

God, I hate it when posters start talking about it being the 1950s whenever someone mentions doing something for their husband/partner. You can have a perfectly equal relationship and still do stuff for each other!

I iron DH's shirts for him. He doesn't ask or expect me to, I just like to do stuff for him, like he does for me. He drives me around everywhere, I iron his shirts.
However, if I forget or haven't done any for some reason, he doesn't even mention it. He'll happily grab an unironed one and wear it (or iron it himself if it's very creased). This is because he's not an arse.

Your DP was an arse thetwocultures, and if he doesn't apologise today then next time he says he needs shirts you need to tell him to do them himself.

[golfbuggy]

If OP is responsible for ironing, and DH normally wears a shirt for work, then why surely she can work out for herself whether he has any shirts that are clean and ironed without DH having to constantly ask (which would irk me if I were the asker!)

She'll find this same issue when her DC hits school age and needs uniform sorting.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Why on earth can't a grown man get dressed and look after a toddler at the same time?!

Millions of parents up and down the country do it everyday! I'd think it quite pathetic if he can't manage it.

[baconandeggies]

I disagree Golf - it doesn't sound like she is 'responsible for ironing' and nor does it sound like he has to constantly ask:-

I usually iron him a shirt or 2 for work when he tells me he needs them.

[baconandeggies]

Huffing, puffing, grumbling under his breath and blaming the OP for not ironing his shirts when he failed to remember to ask for them to be done in advance (if that's what works in their house - fine) is in no way the OP's fault. He could have ironed it himself in minutes.

[thetwocultures]

golfbuggy

1. I am responsible for his shirts NOT general ironing of everything
   
2. I have agreed to do his shirts and he said he will tell me when he needs some not assume he will always have a display of shirts hanging ready in the wardrobe
   
   In regards to the 1950s comments I have to agree with the recent posters, i don't mind doing things for him in fact I'm happy to if it helps him. Personally in an ideal world I would like to be better organised and on top of the thanks to DS ever growing laundry pile and ironing. However for now that is not the case, I do agree with the opinions that he's been an arse about it this morning and I also understand it's frustrating to be getting ready for work and to have nothing to wear but like someone mentioned before I'm not his mum or a mind reader to keep tabs on his wardrobe.
   I have a feeling he will just act like nothing happened and go about everything as usual. I however will want an apology and I want to sit down and work these things out better to keep ourselves organised.

[baconandeggies]

I however will want an apology and I want to sit down and work these things out better to keep ourselves organised. Good for you :)

[FearandLoathinginLasVegas]

He sounds really stressed. Getting out the door in the mornings, especially in winter is really stressfully/depressing/horrible. And he works really long hours. and if he sometimes does the early shift with DS that's great.

I think his comment was misguided and in isolation a bit crap, but if all else is well in your relationship. I'd say to iron him X shirts a week, but say to him, i need notice if you want more.

[KatharinaRosalie]

I admit I'm a bit disorganised - you? If a grown, capable adult does not have enough clean and/or ironed clothes, they are the disorganised one, not their partner.

[Barefootcontessa84]

My DH irons his own - I do my own. We both work and are responsible for looking after ourselves / making sure we're prepared. Tell yours to do the same.

[Barefootcontessa84]

(And I'm happy to help DH too - if I'm ironing and have a chance, I'll do a couple for him but it's in no way expected).

[harshbuttrue1980]

So he gets ready for work and gets the kids ready while you lie in bed? Someone is BU, and it isn't him. I don't see why a woman has to be responsible for the ironing, but in that case you should work full time too.

[Ethylred]

OP, from what you write, this is a one-off occurrence. Tell him (don't just hint) that you're upset and give him a chance to apologise. And apologise properly, not "I'm sorry if you were upset", which simply makes you responsible in an unfair way.

[BeautyQueenFromMars]

harshbuttrue1980 The OP works all day looking after their 20 month old and then does PT work outside of the home in the evenings. Try reading her posts properly before making snide comments.

[thetwocultures]

Thanks beautyqueen
Harshbuttrue if you paid any sort of attention to anything I've written on here you would see that no he does not "get the kids ready" he took DS (1 not multiple) from his room to ours after he got out of the shower THAT IS ALL. No getting dressed, feeding or getting him ready in any way he set him on the ground to run around whilst he proceeded to get dressed.

Thank you again for all the replies. Like I though the situation has gone kind of unaddressed, apparently he asked for 2 shirts when I did that 1 for him
Either way he needed another 2 for today and tomorrow....
We spoke briefly yesterday on the phone and he picked me up from work, we got in and he got his lunch ready for work and I sorted a few things and hung the washing out and told him I'm going to bed. We made the briefest conversations and I think we are both "off" with each other as again this morning we made the minimum of conversation he made me a cup of coffee before he went and we've spoken briefly about work, DS etc on the phone.

I think the thing is I feel like it is partly my fault knowing me I could as well have forgotten he asked for 2 or got sidetracked as I've got the attention span of a toddler sometimes so I could put my hands up to that and apologise as I know it's a big thing for him in the mornings. However he should acknowledge and apologise for being so shitty about it especially when it came to DS who he usually says a proper goodbye to, he's not mr. Perfect with everything either and everyone can slip up... I think ?

[Psychomumsucks]

So after all that you admit to it could have been your fault.. if you do his shirts then you should do them end of really.

[kaputt]

Horses for courses, but on this particular course, huffing about a chore being not done is only permissible if it's part of a long term pattern (eg the time DH, apropos of nothing, exploded with CAN YOU JUST PUT THE SUGAR BOWL AWAY FOR ONCE which is now a family classic).

Jobs specifically for one person eg ironing of shirts are ALWAYS a favour. Always, no matter what the normal pattern is. If it's not done once, well, bully for you, aren't you lucky it's done the other 99 times out of 100, it's still your responsibility to check that you have what you need to go about your adult day and if you don't, you sort it.

I fully get that everyone has their own way and it works for them but honestly if mine got in a huff about me not ironing him shirts when he hadn't even (nicely) asked me if I'd mind doing it, then you can guarantee that nothing of his would get ironed by me for a long, long time.

[Joinednow]

What's wrong with you? Why couldn't you wake up half an hour early and iron his shirts? I hope you have ironed them for the week now. Don't forget the shopping, cleaning, cooking and childcare as well. How disrespectful to the man of the house that you are forgetting your place. You should bow down, lick his boots and apologise to him.

[SleepFreeZone]

I have this with DP and it is pretty much the only problem with our relationship.

We are currently not talking (I'm ignoring him because I'm angry) because once again he got shitty with me over something that either had nothing to do with me at all or was my doing but didn't require mr bring talked to like a piece of crap.

I don't think I can change him sadly but what i would like him to do is own t and just fucking apologise.

[dizzygirl1]

I iron all our washing on a sunday night- we've then all got clothes for work and school. If i'm feeling lazy and don't want to do it all i pop upstairs check how many shirts/items are needed for everyone for the week and just do those. It's not difficult. Are you going to make DS tell you how many shirts he needs when he starts school? In my opinion you're being unreasonable -it's not hard to look in the wardrobe or just iron clothes that have been washed

[thetwocultures]

Psycho I still don't think he should have acted the way he did regardless. I repeatedly ask him to put his shoes away, close the cupboard properly, don't leave his stuff on the floor in the bedroom etc and he is yet to do any of those things unless I'm with him and remind him yet I don't act like he did.


Thanks kaputt.
Sleep that's my point, he should own up to things sometimes, he was complaining on that morning that he was late for work but he spends 30mins in the shower and then runs around like a headless chicken because he's late

dizzy I absolutely hate ironing and it takes me ages as it is so I definitely won't be doing it all on a day off whilst OH gets to put his feet up in front of the TV. It's difficult to do it as it is as I usually have an excitable toddler pottering around the room who has to be redirected away from the ironing board.
Besides OH (by preference) keeps his clothes in a room in the attic so you have to open a door in the ceiling and pull the stairs down to get up there so he can check his own clothes.