To not want her to babysit

[MrsMcAvoy]

My best friend and godmother to my 9 month old DS keeps asking to have him for a few hours one weekend. I know I'm probably being silly but I don't really want her to take him.
She loves him to bits and I know she'd look after him, but I feel as though only myself and DH know his ways and how to deal with him. Does that sound daft? Like if he starts crying, or wants a nap, we know how to deal with it. Whereas I'm anxious she will take him and he will want something and she won't know how to deal with it. AIBU?

[Thegirlonthebus]

How about starting off by having her over for an evening and getting her involved with your routine? At each stage like nappy change, bedtime etc get her doing things while you talk her through how you do it. She'll enjoy it and will feel more comfortable babysitting as she'll know how you do things.

As a friend I'd be totally OK with someone saying to me - I'd love you to babysit and spend more time with the little one, why don't you come over for dinner one night and see how our routine works so you're all ready to go solo?

[puglife1]

It's totally your call. I know how you feel. I also have a very clingy 13 month old. He won't go to anyone. He only ever wants me and I haven't had much time apart since he was born. It's not healthy but I don't really have anyone to have him.
Maybe you could ask her to have him an hour at your house and then build up from there.

[Italiangreyhound]

To be fair PurpleDaisies "What's the worst that happens the ? He cries a lot and then you come home?"

You don't know that, do you.

My kids have 10 God parents between them. All lovely, great people, mostly chosen because I thought they would be good God parents, and one because she is a lovely friend who has no kids, was very supportive and I felt it would be good for her. I don't see all of them that often and there are about half who would probably not be great babysitters for my kids.

Parents need to make their own choices about who looks after their kids. being a God parent is not necessarily someone who will look after your kids.
"I know you're all right! I'll speak to DH when he's home and see if we can arrange a Saturday afternoon and just start with an hour or so away or something" Great, if that is what you want to do. I am sure baby will be fine but if you decide not to, that's fine too. You don't owe your friend a 'time' of looking after your baby! BUT if you value her offer, and enjoy the time she is willing to look after her Godson, that is great.

Re "When I tried to give my MIL some tips on his feeding, sleeping arrangements etc she told me she'd raised two children & didn't need telling what to do."

Yes but when I was young I am pretty sure the advice re sleeping etc was quite different. Car seats were unheard of. Why should people resent being given advice. I hope when/if my kids have kids and they share their advice/concerns I won't throw them in the bin.

"When I returned he had left me a nice little present in his nappy which she hadn't noticed (which is ridiculous considering the stench!) plus she'd not fed him as 'she was scared he would choke' "

I rest my case

Babies are not hat easy to look after, they are noisy, smelly, scary, lovely, and most of all their parents get to say who looks after them!

[eggyface]

Before I had children I always used to ask my sister if I could help her out - she has 3. I honestly wanted to give her a break and she was so evasive. Sometimes I'd go round thinking I was coming to help with children so she could go out then would feel a bit sad and frustrated as she wouldn't go out, just stayed right with them. I felt my genuine desire to help was sort of being thrown in my face. It felt like a waste of my weekend!

Now, I wish she had explained to me:
A) when you have a baby you might not want a break in the same way you imagine before - actually, just doing the same afternoon at home as usual, but with another friendly adult around to hold baby /hang out the washing /make tea is, in fact, a great help and a sort of 'break'.

B)when you have a baby you want to only give it to someone who knows it really really well - so if you want to take the baby for 2 hours you need to put in lots of 'flying hours' just hanging with the baby first, to reassure both baby and mummy.

You could try explaining how it's a bit different from what your friend might think, and as pps have said, ask her to have baby while you're in the house initially. Just make sure she knows you appreciate her kindness and are trying to find a way to make it work - i wish my DSis had done that!

[jayisforjessica]

You could start small by asking if she'd like to come to yours and mind him while you have a lie down/bath/some you time. Then if he starts creating you're literally right there, and she gets to feel like she's helping you - which is probably all she wants.

[MrsMcAvoy]

When I tried to give my MIL some tips on his feeding, sleeping arrangements etc she told me she'd raised two children & didn't need telling what to do.

When I returned he had left me a nice little present in his nappy which she hadn't noticed (which is ridiculous considering the stench!) plus she'd not fed him as 'she was scared he would choke'

I think DH and I will probably go into town and grab a quick coffee or something, and just have an hour of alone time. If everything is ok next time we can maybe make it a meal. I know how lucky I am that she's offered, I suppose some people aren't that fortunate to have babysitters on hand!

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

A spreadsheet? Ha ha, it probably seemed completely essential at the time.

My MIL was most put out with my instruction booklet.

[moreshitandnofuckingredemption]

ILostIt I gave my DM an Excel spreadsheet. Not sure how I thought I'd made it to adulthood myself!

[PurpleDaisies]

Your feelings are completely natural but if you've chosen her as godmother would it not be best to let her have a practice run in case the worst ever did happen.

You're out of date-godparents don't become responsible for their godchildren on the death of their parents any more.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I think I also wrote a detailed list of instructions for my MIL the first time she looked after my son .

She threw it in the bin!

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Baby steps to leaving him, MrsMc ! He's still very little but occasionally leaving him with trusted people will help to avoid separation anxiety when he does start nursery or preschool. An hour would be fine for now and build it up if you wish.
Just try to resist ringing every five minutes like I did when I left my first born for the first time .

[Looneytune253]

Youur feelings are completely natural but if you've chosen her as godmother would it not be best to let her have a practice run in case the worst ever did happen. If she knows nothing about having to look after the little one and little one doesn't know her then it would be harder in an already difficult situation , at least if you give it a try now and then you would be in a better position long term?

[CheshireChat]

Why don't you go to a nearby café? It doesn't take as long to order it drink/ eat and you won't waste a fortune on food you may end up abandoning.

More likely than not, he'll be absolutely fine and cry when she leaves.

[MrsMcAvoy]

Haha Colby Yes I do that with the fridge most days! 'Here's what you're having for dinner, here's mummy's wine...'

I know you're all right! I'll speak to DH when he's home and see if we can arrange a Saturday afternoon and just start with an hour or so away or something

[Blueskyrain]

If you want to leave him, that's fine, but if in the future you are complaining that you have no child free time, and little quality time with your husband, then I'd have little sympathy.

Babies aren't hard to look after, she'll be fine. If you can get used to having time without him, then it will gradually get easier, and you'll better achieve a happy balance in your life.

[Colby43443]

I've never experienced a paddy that a cuddle and a 'sightseeing' trip to the fridge (pointing out all the veg) didn't sort out lol. She'll be fine.

[Only1scoop]

Just go out for a couple of hours. Don't go far and then if she desperately needs you, you're back.

[PurpleDaisies]

it's just more of a concern that DS will have a paddy or something and she won't know how to console him

What's the worst that happens the ? He cries a lot and then you come home?

Chances are she'll be sensible and do all the standard things that people who have ever seen someone else with a child do and he'll stop.

[MrsMcAvoy]

It's not that I don't trust her Colby I think it's just more of a concern that DS will have a paddy or something and she won't know how to console him. Or something along those lines.
Probably completely unjustified on my part!

[Colby43443]

Unsure why she's a godmother to your child if you don't trust her to babysit? Not a dig, genuinely curious.

You do need to be careful how you reject her tho. My sil wouldn't let me babysit nephew despite a number of requests, laughing it off as if I was joking and it really hurt. More so because I was babysitting sister's kids from day dot and wasn't doing a terrible job.

[Italiangreyhound]

MrsMcAvoy it is totally not daft! It is totally fine to not want other people to look after your baby.

If you decide to let her look after baby at some point in the future, make sure you feel comfortable with her ability. Despite what others might think it is not always easy to look after a baby well. Some might do a brilliant job, some not. The key thing is, do you think she is a safe person to look after your baby, alone. If you think she is, then go ahead, when ready (as others suggest leave him for a set time with her in your own home and do whatever you wish with that time). If you do not think she is a safe person to look after baby, don't leave him with her.

Children are precious, and there is nothing wrong in caring about who gets to look after them, especially at the stage where they cannot talk or tell you what they need.

If your friend keeps on nagging/offering, just say you will ask her when you are ready. Do not be pushed into something because another adult wants it, that isn't fair on the baby.

But I agree with others there can be a time when a baby needs to be looked after, emergency, health issues for parents, funerals, whatever, and then it is good if baby can be with someone else, but only if that person can look after them well.

And a reminder, you are not being silly, don't let anyone tell you that you are.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I think you're being a tiny bit precious. Looking after a baby isn't rocket science and you can tell her his preferences, nap times etc and she could ring you if there's a problem.
As suggested, leave him for an hour or so at first, with instructions for her to ring you if there's a problem?

I think it's good if your child can be left with a trusted friend or relation as there maybe a time when you need a babysitter he is familiar with.

That's my opinion, of course it's entirely up to you .

[Notonthestairs]

What abouttrying it for an hour or 90 minutes in your house - enough time for you to pop to the shops or a cafe. I think this sort of thing needs a bit of practice and for the first few times for you not to go to far so you know you can be home in a few minutes and he's in a safe enviroment.
And tell her to be completely honest - e.g. if he cries for 40 minutes to tell you (its not her fault afterall just maybe he's not ready) - and you'll try again in a couple of months.
But only if you want to - there shouldnt be any pressure.

[SnotGoblin]

I couldn't have left my firstborn with anyone but by the time number two rolled around, I'd throw them at anyone foolish enough to offer. It is completely up to you. Don't feel guilty about it either way.

[Trifleorbust]

I am 99.999% sure she will be absolutely fine and your DS will enjoy his day out. As I said, it is up to you and no-one should ever try to pressure you, but it sounds like you would appreciate the break. She can always bring him back if he is upset, which I am willing to bet he won't be!