To be sick of everything being "his" way???

[Ultimateflighter]

Been together 5 years. Been to 'his' favourite festival 4 years on the trot. Last year I suggested we have a change and go to a festival that is more 'my' taste next year. He said absolutely not, he can't possibly miss 'his' festival.

Every time we go out it has to be to see a band, gig, concert, festival. I'd like to go for a meal and a few quiet drinks where we can talk and connect. We never do - instead, if we go out it is always a gig or festival type thing. If I suggest my type if night he makes an excuse about money/being tired/crap venue etc etc.

There was a band I really wanted to see in November. He agreed to it months ago. Then all of a sudden there's a band on in November 'he' wants to see. Guess who lost out.

There was a problem with the hotel. We got a free night to use in the next 6 months as compensation. Not once did he say "is there anything you fancy doing?". Instead he told me there was a band on he wanted to see in November and we should use the free night on that.

He's been promising to take me to cinema for months. It's still to happen.

Well it all came to a head tonight when I saw photos on facebook of families out to dinner together. I said "we should do that more often". He replied that we can't possibly go out as my teens don't behave so he feels he can't leave the house. Funny then how that didn't stop him going to see the band at weekend, nor did it stop him seeing that other band a few weeks earlier. Nor did it stop him booking his festival for next year. He said that was all before our latest trip ended by us coming home and my boys falling out ON THE NIGHT we were home and fighting. Funny then how THIS MORNING he was telling to to arrange my annual leave for this next band in Feb and yesterday talking about us booking the festival for next year.

He's now saying "yes well now I've decided I never want to go out again". Yes, now that I'm trying to arrange something 'I' want to do. He wasn't saying that this morning.

I'm sick of it. Whenever I try and do something to my taste he throws his toys out of the pram and says he's never going out again. Until this particular argument blows over and he's booking his next band.

I don't mix well so don't have friends I can do these things with so I'm stuck doing everything he wants to do and I'm fed up.

[Memoires]

Why do you love him? It sounds like he has few redeemable features.

You only have one life.

[MissVictoria]

It sounds as though he was always like this, so honestly, why did you marry him?
He's selfish, controlling, only interested in his needs and desires, completely disregards your feelings, your sex life is crap and from the sounds of it he's not the biggest fan of your kids either.
How a relationship like that gets to engagement never mind marriage is beyond me.
you need to do what he never has, and almost certainly never will. Put yourself first.
Honestly, what are you even staying for?
If i were you, i'd tell him i wanted to separate, and if he didn't move heaven and earth to try to win me back, i'd make it permanent.

[Nataleejah]

You know what... If there's a thing you fancy doing -- go by yourself and or take a friend. And let him go to his gigs alone. You don't have to go to his festival.

[AcrossthePond55]

Both DH and I have passions (his is a sport, mine is Disney) that the other does NOT share but we also have common interests, the major one being RVing and travel to our National Parks so we do that together. So he does his sport with his friends, I go to Disney with one of the wives who shares my love of all things Mouse.

I understand how people are who have music as a passion, my elder son is a musician. But he still enjoys other things and his and his wife's life doesn't revolve around gigs and shows. They do and see things that interest her, too.

As far as sitting and chatting in a bar or restaurant with him, it doesn't sound to me as if you have all that much to chat about, really. You don't share the same taste in music apparently, nor in restaurants or cinema. I think the key is that you never do what you want to do AND that you seem to not have any common interests.

If it were me, I'd do what I wanted to do without him, go to the theatre or the cinema by myself if I had to. And I'd try to form some friendships with people with like interests. See if there is a theatre appreciation group or tour excursions to see shows. I'd be willing to bet your H has plenty of friends who are into the same bands he is. You deserve the same.

It really doesn't sound like much of a partnership, your marriage. Honestly, if it was me I'd leave. No common interests, no sex, no compassion or empathy, controlling with money/recreation activities. Just exactly when are these 'good times' that are so good? Let me guess. At his chosen shows and gigs, right? Naturally, it's easy to be nice when you have it all your way.

[TheMaddHugger]

This is the kind of thing I see with really old people. decades ago it was somewhat normal for the meek mousy wife follow her husband and his interests bat her eyes at his stories. and Live just for his ?

Time he found out it's not the 1950's anymore

[iminshock]

What nataleejah said.

Don't go to stuff you don't want to go to.

Do go to stuff you DO want to go to, with or without him

[SoMuchRoomForActivities]

Might be time to speak to a therapist about your low self esteem? You're worth more than an after thought or being second best.

[bloodyteenagers]

You have two choices -

Put up with this and shut up. Accept this is the way until death. He's not going to change. He doesn't want to because he doesn't want to. He's a selfish abusive bully.

Or you can say fuck this shit and leave him. Why do you want to be with a selfish abusive bully. Yes abusive. The tantrums and wearing you down. The silent treatment. The sex on his terms which is even more concerning because he's coercing you.

Is this really how you want to be for ever? No you want happiness for you and your children. The only person who is happy is him. Leaving will be hard, but you will be free to go to the concerts you want. To the shows you want. To find someone who respects and loves you as you deserve. Who values you as a person and as an equal in a relationship.instead of someone who has to do as they are told and obey.

[SabineUndine]

What TheMadHugger said. It's not the 1950s. You say he doesn't take you to the cinema. Well, take yourself. When he sulks about it, remember how many people told you he's a jerk. Do you really want to look back in 30 years' time at all the things you didn't do?

[Yourarejokingme]

Time to disengage from him and do your own thing alone or with a friend.

If he takes the huff and he will tell him everything doesn't revolve round him and ALL his needs

He is also sexually abusing you as in his way or nothing it's call coercion. Id be having the nothing.

This isn't a relationship this is your slavery to a bully. You've enabled it now it's time to say NO

[frozenfairy123]

Ah honey, love can still be such a tie to a relationship even when it's a negative one.
I'm sure his controlling ways and the lack of sex has knocked your confidence too.
Please give yourself 6 months and choose 3 things u want to do. Say to him that u are doing them and do it with or without him. Say no to 3 things he wants to do. If u manage this u may be able to build on it but if it doesn't work then LTB. U are worth more. Btw what do your kids think? Xx

[5to2]

I think in relationships we don't have to like the same things, this is why we also have friends to go off and do things with. But there should be some common ground, and he does sound particularly thoughtless and unable to consider other people's feelings.

[EnoughAlready43]

it will be everything his way till the day one of you dies.
i'd divorce him.

[ThoraGruntwhistle]

What an extraordinarily unhappy way to live this sounds. Your choices are either exactly what he wants, or absolutely nothing. I think you need to withdraw completely and let him get on with it, he can go to all these things on his own until you get a turn at choosing. Is he capable of noticing how much you hate always doing what he wants or would it not even register that you had stopped going along with it?

[TheDowagerCuntess]

Come on, OP.

This is your life. You're throwing it away with two hands

[Cucumber5]

it's fine to have separate interests. He can do his things with his mates and you can do yours with your mates. youre not joined at the hip. it's heathly to have time apart.

[Cucumber5]

just say you are not booking time off for the festival and a few other things and he will soon review the situation. he should just go with mates

[newmumwithquestions]

I don't mix well so don't have friends I can do these things with

Address this. Work at having friends. It does take work. Be the one that bothers to give your number to someone when you meet. Be the one that follows it up with a cheery text. You have no options at the moment as you want your H to change but he won't unless you change something. I would say ltb but you're not ready to. So change yourself, be busier, less available, then you'll be teas dependant on him. You might find he changes how he is to you as a result, or it'll improve your self esteem and you'll realise you deserve someone who is willing to compromise.

[newmumwithquestions]

*less dependent, not teas dependent

[ThatsWotSheSaid]

Does your DH have autistic traits? He sounds very inflexible. If so You could write him a letter stating your feelings very clearly and concisely and let him know the consequences of the relationship not improving. Stand up for yourself and be firm, this is your life and you deserve to be happy.

[Nataleejah]

I don't mix well so don't have friends I can do these things with
Going alone can be fun too. Complete freedom

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I feel bad for you. I really do. I feel bad that he has prevented you from having your own life, your own interests and your own friends. Because that IS what has happened.

Do please fuck him off. Tell him he can go to his festival, but you won't be joining him, you'll be going somewhere else, somewhere YOU want to go. I get that you have no one else to go with - so go by yourself. It's completely do-able, you just need to work up the courage to do it. Once, I wanted to go to a very peculiar musical work at the Royal Albert Hall - I knew that absolutely no one I knew would want to join me, so I bit the bullet and went by myself. It was very liberating!!

And when I say fuck him off, do it slowly - start by the small rebellion of refusing to go with him. Then go on your own when he's not going anywhere himself. Then start doing more by yourself. Then ditch his sorry selfish arse.

[happypoobum]

What good times?

It all sounds utterly shit to be honest. I would imagine part of the reason you don't have many friends is to do with this loser too.

Get rid of him and move on - this man is damaging your self esteem and draining you emotionally. Life is short and you deserve a full one, not this half life you are living now.

[Cherrysoup]

What would happen if your used to go with him to his festival?