To be sick of everything being "his" way???

[Ultimateflighter]

Been together 5 years. Been to 'his' favourite festival 4 years on the trot. Last year I suggested we have a change and go to a festival that is more 'my' taste next year. He said absolutely not, he can't possibly miss 'his' festival.

Every time we go out it has to be to see a band, gig, concert, festival. I'd like to go for a meal and a few quiet drinks where we can talk and connect. We never do - instead, if we go out it is always a gig or festival type thing. If I suggest my type if night he makes an excuse about money/being tired/crap venue etc etc.

There was a band I really wanted to see in November. He agreed to it months ago. Then all of a sudden there's a band on in November 'he' wants to see. Guess who lost out.

There was a problem with the hotel. We got a free night to use in the next 6 months as compensation. Not once did he say "is there anything you fancy doing?". Instead he told me there was a band on he wanted to see in November and we should use the free night on that.

He's been promising to take me to cinema for months. It's still to happen.

Well it all came to a head tonight when I saw photos on facebook of families out to dinner together. I said "we should do that more often". He replied that we can't possibly go out as my teens don't behave so he feels he can't leave the house. Funny then how that didn't stop him going to see the band at weekend, nor did it stop him seeing that other band a few weeks earlier. Nor did it stop him booking his festival for next year. He said that was all before our latest trip ended by us coming home and my boys falling out ON THE NIGHT we were home and fighting. Funny then how THIS MORNING he was telling to to arrange my annual leave for this next band in Feb and yesterday talking about us booking the festival for next year.

He's now saying "yes well now I've decided I never want to go out again". Yes, now that I'm trying to arrange something 'I' want to do. He wasn't saying that this morning.

I'm sick of it. Whenever I try and do something to my taste he throws his toys out of the pram and says he's never going out again. Until this particular argument blows over and he's booking his next band.

I don't mix well so don't have friends I can do these things with so I'm stuck doing everything he wants to do and I'm fed up.

[YonicProbe]

You are married to a selfish, inconsiderate and rude man.

Sorry.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Why do you put up with this?

[AskBasil]

LTB

You only have one life. Live it. You don't have to live it with him.

He is freeloading off your energy and talents which could be better used in your own interests instead of his.

[Ultimateflighter]

Because the good times are really good and I love him. But I think I know deep down his feelings for me are not the same. He says they are, but how can they be? He doesn't even want to have sex with me.

[Costacoffeeplease]

What are the good times? For you, not just what he wants

[Lynnm63]

The good times are only good because you do what you're told. Go where you're told and when and shag when your told and how. How good are the times when you'd like him to do something, anything for you, that you want to do. Are they the bad times? It's fair enough going to things that might not be your first choice but not if he doesn't reciprocate.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

So have you had a calm conversation with him about this? Not just after he's refused to do something, but at a time when you're both getting on. Not asking him to do something in particular (though having something ready up your sleeve in case he says "yes of course we should, U hedn't realised...) but instead talking about the balance of power and how decisions like these are made? If he's open to talking about it but one or both of you have trouble staying calm/feeling heard etc. then this might be a good problem for counselling.

If he's not even open to talking about it your choices are pretty limited to putting up with it, stopping going to any of "his" things in an attempt to force the issue or LTB.

[CoolCarrie]

Life is too short to live like this, op. Your life is passing you by, but he is having a great time, he is a selfish, self centred git, and he isn't going to change, not now, he has had everything his way. Please leave the bastard.

[nicenewdusters]

What are the good times? And what is it about him that you love ?

He sounds utterly selfish, boring, disrespectful and downright mean.

How can you love somebody who can't even show concern when you have a worry about your health? He's probably actually kind of annoyed with you because this is something about you, not him. Selfish men like him hate their partners being ill.

[bellie710]

He sounds an absolute twat, but why do you need to (connect) every time you have a night out? I have never had a night out with my husband or friends to connect? I think you may bee putting more on a night out than what it needs to be?

He sounds completely self obsessed and you are allowing him to be, stop being a doormat and just say no you are not going then book you own nights out!

[mummymeister]

I am really struggling to see what these "good times" are OP? I think you are settling for not even second best here.

You don't have sex. you don't have any affection. you don't have any empathy when you are ill/worried about your health. you don't get to do things that you enjoy only things he enjoys. everything you do and say is what he wants and on his terms.

the only person you are fooling with that statement is yourself OP. the rest of us can see this has nothing to do with love or affection but control. and what does a controlling person want? why, an enabler of course and that is you.

you need to face up to it. either you walk or you put up with it because he is NEVER going to change.

[YeOldMa]

Can you find a WI (they aren't all fuddy duddies) or something like that where you can go to make friends so you could find someone to go with to the cinema or the theatre? Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership where both parties get their needs met so I'd be really resentful in your position.

[littlepeas]

I posted upthread about my dad, who sounds very similar to your dh. I agree with the posters who are saying life is too short, you need to live your own life. My view is very complicated, because I have grown up in the shadow of my father, who controlled everything we did as a family, and continued to control everything he and my mum did after my sister and I grew up and left home. However, I have lost my dad far too early (he was 66) and I miss him. BUT, my mum has been given this strange, slightly morbid, gift of another chance at having her own life - I really hope she embraces it.

I don't think the family I grew up in was a healthy one. My dad was an artist, but very niche and only well known within that niche - we didn't have much money, what we did have he spent on himself, on the things he wanted. My mum went back to work and her money went on all the boring, mundane, everyday shit - never anything for herself. He did have some good qualities, but there was always the sense that everything around him was there to suit him - this included people (he was barely involved in our upbringing, but loved to show us off). It affected my relationship with my mum - I think her own personality was so trampled on that I don't really know her, even now.

Having written that, I do think my dad may have been a more extreme version, but still, think carefully about what you want in life.

[Duck90]

Be honest with yourself. What were you hoping the responses to be here? I understand that you don't want to hear he his a dick, and were hoping people would say that's exactly how their relationships are. But based on your posts it seems you would be better off without him.

[Atenco]

Well if you still have good times and you love him, I think you should only accompany him to events you enjoy and find someone else to accompany to things that you want to do that he doesn't.

[Duck90]

Littlepeas, that is very interesting. It's not easy to reflect on our parents.

[cakegoblin]

Littlepeas, did your mum ever get to Rome? Please say yes.

Oh, and OP - another LTB here although I know it's never that simple.

[Twofurrycats]

I did this. Cut down on what I would like to do (nothing outlandish/expensive/unusual) to keep the peace. Joined in with his activities/hobbies/nonsense . It did not work. You end up feeling resentful. A friend pointed out to me that 90% of the time our leisure activities were actually my ex's and of the 10% that I chose he spoilt the majority.

[Cherry24xx]

When I read your original post I genuinely thought I was reading about a 20 year old boy being a typical selfish prat.. Time to knock him into place!!

[littlepeas]

cakegoblin no, not yet, but she is planning a caribbean cruise (another thing she never got to do) in January. I'm sure we will get to Rome at some point.

[CharleyDavidson]

My dh hates going out. I love the theatre. It would make my day for him to come with me but it's just not his thing. BUT a) he never minds me going with any of my friends or on my own and b) he has once gone to show an interest in what I like.

I also decided not to miss out on travelling because it wasn't his cup of tea and started going abroad with the DDs, leaving him behind.


In your position I'd start refusing to book my leave for things I didn't want to go to and start thinking about where the good in the relationship is that makes it worth sticking around.

[booklooker]

I don't mix well so don't have friends I can do these things with

What would his side to the story be?

[QuinnPerkins]

Doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

In any way.

[QueenArseClangers]

Is this the dickhead from the other thread who does fuck all about housework and plays GTA?

[jeaux90]

There are two things that keep a long term relationship healthy. Kindness and similar sex drives. Sounds like you have neither with this toss pot. Sorry!!