To be so worried about having a third child?

[utopian99]

Dh and I gave ourselves until now ish to decide on 2 or 3. We have a two boys, 2 year old and almost 4 year old, and wouldn't want a much larger gap so if we're going to have a third we should start trying now.

Dh thinks it's a good idea and always has done; although he realises the obvious practical challenges he's very keen on the idea of them all being a gang together. (He was an only child and was a bit lonely, if that makes any difference...) He parents with me 50:50, loves the two we have and would absolutely pull his weight on that front with a third.

I'm more nervous about it from a family dynamic point of view. Practicalities aside, when I look for discussions about having 3 the parents always say "I/we never regret having 3", but when I find discussion from adults who had two other siblings it seems a lot felt they got left out/felt like a spare/etc. This is the thing that above all else makes me think maybe we should stick at 2. I was one of 2 and we were and still are great friends, if that has a bearing on it..

Please please IF you yourself are one of three (Not a parent of three unless they are well into their late teens at the youngest,) can you tell me frankly what you think of it and would you do it? I hope no one minds me excluding parents of three young children but my worries relate to their long term relationship with each other and us.

Thanks for getting this far. It'd driving me to distraction..

[DollopofTrollop]

I'm the youngest of 3 but we all have 5 year age gap. So my eldest DB was 10 when I was born.
I'm the only girl too and if you ask my DB with middle child syndrome ... He would say I was a spilt brat!!!

I wasn't I just liked spending time with my mum and was a home bird but he liked being out !
We have 3 with 2 year age gap, difficult to compare as DS2 is severely disabled and DS 1 had ASD and ADHD. DD is just female aged 5 ... So challenging when it comes to clothes ! DS's are 9&7!

[kavvLar]

I'm one of three. I like it. Two other people who know your history and we get on very well in adulthood as well as growing up. Age gaps 18 months between eldest and middle, then four years between middle and youngest. Still socialise together despite geographical distance and we speak most days. It's the nature of the people more so than the age gap IMO.

FWIW I've been pondering on a third myself. Speaking honestly my mum said three was very hard work and complicated things greatly, and that while she wouldn't have been without her third, she has seriously advised me to think long and hard before deciding to try for a third. I would have another if we had more money. Money wasn't their issue but I think she felt over stretched.

[Artistic]

Had my second after a big gap but now feeling that a third would be lovely. But don't think I will - don't have it in me to bring up 3 kids without losing my sanity. But I do dream..

[BonesyBones]

I'm one of three (technically four if you count a half sibling, but we didn't grow up together and rarely saw/see each other). I am the oldest and often felt like the practice (practise? I can never remember which one!) child, in fact I was actively told that I was the one they were supposed to make mistakes with. I have never got along with middle sister and haven't seen her in about 5 years now. See youngest sister every few weeks despite living miles apart. To be fair though my parents were horribly abusive to all but middle sister so I don't think it was so much about having three children and more about their lack of parenting skills.

Interestingly I grew up close to two other groups of three siblings (all boys) and neither seem to get on well with the middle sibling.

On the other hand the reasons you state for debating having a third child were, along with a few practical issues, what put me off a third, until it was taken out of our hands and I fell pregnant unexpectedly. I'm now due in a few weeks and it's safe to say that DS1 (age 8) is NOT happy about it one bit. I am really worried about their future relationship.

[MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean]

I'm the eldest of 3 (FFM - 4 yrs between each of us).

As children and growing up, my siblings & I all got along pretty well but sometimes we were closer to one sibling than another at different points in our lives, depending on what stages we were at. Now we are all adults we are very close and see each other and our families regularly. Three is good because there is usually a peacekeeper and also there is an extra person to gang up against the parents with .

I enjoyed being part of a 3 so much & DH liked the dynamic of my siblings more than that of his experience of being a 2 that we decided to have 3 children (MMM - 3 yrs difference between them). It's a challenge (esp at the beginning) but I love being a mum of 3.

From my experience, the stereotypical effects of birth order and personality is much more obvious in families with 3 children than in families with 2 children so you might want to look into that if you've not thought about it:

www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/birth-order-traits

[MrGrumpy01]

I'm the youngest of 3 girls. It was fine on the whole. There was 2 yrs between me and middle and 2 and a bit between the big 2 (though 3 school years) we tended to pair off for various activities. We get on now but live all over the country.

I have 3. I find my 4yr gap between the smallest 2 harder to manage. Maybe closer together would have worked better.

I did share with my middle sister. I just got on with it, there was no option. We are planning to move to a 4 bedas the room sharing isn't really working with a 6 year gap.

The eldest is 10 and I am starting to worry a lot more about money. Babies and toddlers are cheap. Senior children not so much. Expensive uniform and school bus fares. Potentially I could be looking at £75 a week if all 3 were in senior school/sixth form together.

[Idratherbeaunicorn]

Im the middle of 3.
There are 2 years between me and my older sister, and 6 between my and my younger sister - because of the age gap, naturally my older sister and I were closer as we had similar things in common, but I don't think anyone ever felt left out and we always got along quite well. Now as adults, my sisters are like my best friends

[LegoLady95]

I'm one of three and I loved it. I'm the middle child with a sister 2 years older and a brother 2 years younger. I was close to them both growing up and still am. I think my sister and brother were less close, but that is down to personality rather than birth order or number of siblings.
My sister and I both have 3 children ourselves. My sisters 3 are all teens and get on just fine. Mine are younger but one has autism and doesn't play with the other two at all. The other 2 are very close but they also adore their brother (although they get little back in return).
Don't over think it. If you both want a third go for it, it will be lovely!

[Abrahamkin]

I'm one of 3. TO be honest had never heard of the downsides of being 3 before this thread! I fought, of course, with my siblings. But the best part of it was that sometimes we were 2 ganging up on 1, but it was not always the same 2. So I don't think any of us (and surely not me) felt left out as a whole. And even when I was being ganged up on, I didn't really feel left out, as I knew it would blow over very soon. I was, in fact, really keen on 3. Until I had my first! So as a parent no longer keen on 3, but as a child I am really keen on 3.

[samG76]

DH was one of three, and they seemed to enjoy it. It's very nice for his mum, who gets invited round to all of them.I think it's also nice that there is less pressure on the kids, and less idea that all the family's hope rest on them.

[hanahsaunt]

My mum is the middle of 3 and wanted either 2 or 4 as a result (she had 2). Dh is the middle of 3 and wanted either 2 or 4 as a result (we have 4).

[Fifinella]

Nothing to add to the thread but IWouldBeSuperb your post made me cry! I'm due DS2 in a few weeks (so admittedly a bit hormonal) with an older DD and a DS and I'm worried about having three and the change in dynamic, and your family sounds perfect! Hopefully we can replicate it successfully

[SovietKitsch]

I'm the middle of three sisters, with only four years between oldest and youngest. We all played well together as small children, clubbed together as teens and are brilliant at drinking coffee while our kids play now we're adults. I would call them my friends as much as my sisters.

There were times when two would pair up without the third, but the pairing varied so I don't think any of us felt left out. Two of us have three kids now, and the third wants a third, so it'S clearly not just me who enjoyed/enjoys being one of three!

[SovietKitsch]

Also, having had my third after a gap, I found that a pair of only two kids can get very intense between them and having the third has definitely broken that up in a good way.

[Borntoflyinfirst]

I'm the youngest of 3 girls. Never felt like an extra or a spare part. As far as I know neither did my sisters. We were treated equally and fairly and are still close. My husband is middle of 3 with a closer in age older brother and a 10 year younger sister. He's very much your stereotypical middle child wth the eldest seemingly wonderful (even though he's not!) and the baby sister always a bit of a princess. We have three of our own. Girl boy girl but only 12,10 and 6 so not sure how they will be long term! So far very good relationships between all of them.

[BillSykesDog]

My MIL was one of three girls. They adored each other and were very close, although they were orphaned in their mid teens and only had each other so that might be why.

DH was one of four and loved it. Maybe you should have four!

[teatowel]

I'm the eldest of three so is my husband, and we have three -all in their twenties. One is same sex, the other two mixed ie two boys one girl and the opposite. Every three some is really close. It works it really does!

[Matchingbluesocks]

I'm one of three and truth is the third tipped the balance financially and meant we often went without in ways we wouldn't with 2 which I resented. I hated not having my own room (3 bed house) and I don't think my parents could comfortably afford it. Although my relationship with the third is better than my elder sister, and she was a wonderful little thing we all adored.

My mum has told me it took her a while to get over the guilt when she realised they'd ruined the family dynamic. It recovered

I always thought I'd like 3 because having 2 siblings us nice but the financial thing makes me shy away

[KERALA1]

One of 3 but stuck at 2. Anecdotally a lot of families we grew up with 3 siblings the eldest and middle went on to have 2 whilst the thirds all have 3 themselves.

Think it's more about personality than numbers. As the eldest I had little to do with youngest. We thought about having 3 but glad we stopped at 2. Times 3 lots of music lessons/sports activities would be eye watering not to mention university...not sure some with very little children realise how pricey it gets!

[notfromstepford]

I think it is completely down to you as parents. I am one of three - older sister, younger brother. I hated it because I was always left out, ignored and blamed for everything etc. However, now I have come to realise (finally after 40 years!) that our mother is a narc. So if she'd had 2, 4 or 8 children, she still would have been the same.

My DSIL had 3 children and they are all happy, very well adjusted and they did a great job with all of them an none of them feel like I did/do.

So I really believe it's nothing to do with the number that determines the family dynamic but all down to the parents.

[venys]

Youngest of 3 girls here. The others are much older - 9and 7 years. Age gap due to multiple miscarriages. When I was little my sister's mothered me a bit and they were always there to babysit and pick me up from nightclubs in my teens. But tbh I don't feel hugely close to them because they left home so early and I spent my entire teenage years on my own more or less. My mum had language students staying to make money which I mostly hated. I don't feel hugely close to my parents either but that is possibly due to divorce, personality, circumstance etc. And I am on the other side of the world to them. But as another pp said it is was it is. I don't feel hard done by the fact I was one of three - it was more the divorce and the fact my dad was an idiot. I have 3 children now who are very young so it is ridiculously difficult (I shouldn't even be typing this buy I need a break). But as my eldest is SEN we felt that the burden would be too much on DS2 to look after him alone when we are gone and they are adults. The youngest baby is very cute and wouldn't not have her though. She's a gem.

[Chattymummyhere]

The number doesn't matter. It's about how you treat them and their own personalities.

You could have two children who are so far apart they couldn't stand each other or you could have 6 children who al at least share one common interest and are laid back so everything is fine.

I struggled deciding on #3 but I went for it and so far no regrets and my age gap is bigger than yours would be.

[ineedwine99]

My FIL is the middle of 3 and sort of feels 'over looked' same with my middle stepsister. Eldest is first born and youngest will always be the baby.

[Out2pasture]

Dh is a middle child, not a close family although all kind chat a few times a year, visit every decade.

[hatsandbagsandshoes]

I'm the middle of 3 and I love it! Always have! I want at least 3 of my own, and don't feel that 2 is enough in my opinion.
I was not always close to my older sibling, but now we are all very close. I never felt left out, but then I am a typical middle child who likes my own space!