To be so worried about having a third child?

[utopian99]

Dh and I gave ourselves until now ish to decide on 2 or 3. We have a two boys, 2 year old and almost 4 year old, and wouldn't want a much larger gap so if we're going to have a third we should start trying now.

Dh thinks it's a good idea and always has done; although he realises the obvious practical challenges he's very keen on the idea of them all being a gang together. (He was an only child and was a bit lonely, if that makes any difference...) He parents with me 50:50, loves the two we have and would absolutely pull his weight on that front with a third.

I'm more nervous about it from a family dynamic point of view. Practicalities aside, when I look for discussions about having 3 the parents always say "I/we never regret having 3", but when I find discussion from adults who had two other siblings it seems a lot felt they got left out/felt like a spare/etc. This is the thing that above all else makes me think maybe we should stick at 2. I was one of 2 and we were and still are great friends, if that has a bearing on it..

Please please IF you yourself are one of three (Not a parent of three unless they are well into their late teens at the youngest,) can you tell me frankly what you think of it and would you do it? I hope no one minds me excluding parents of three young children but my worries relate to their long term relationship with each other and us.

Thanks for getting this far. It'd driving me to distraction..

[IWouldBeSuperb]

I'm one of three - oldest girl, two younger brothers - and I adore it! Breaks my heart to consider being without either of them.

It was great as young children as we were our own little gang, more distant as teens which I think is probably fairly usual, but are now very close as adults.

The relationships we have and the support we can give each other has got us all through some difficult times (bereavements etc .) We are all very different, but it's such a special bond.

As a bonus I also have two amazing SILs who I'd count as two of my closest friends!

Go for it! :)

[OohMavis]

I am one of five, so possibly not relevant there. But I do have three children.

My brothers and I were essentially left to raise eachother, my parents simply didn't have time to parent us individually - they found it too difficult. I love my brothers more than anything, they're wonderful, but my mother probably would have been a far better parent with three and not five.

I have three with the same age gap you're contemplating. It is hard, at times, like now with my eldest home from school ill and the middle child not quite at nursery... The house is rarely tidy, the washing is a bit endless... But if it's what you want then you'll see the positives regardless. It's lovely.

[KlingybunFistelvase]

I'm one of three, (middle child).

I had a lovely childhood but it was a bit chaotic as there were small age gaps between the three of us and my dad had to work abroad for some of our young childhood. It was all very fun (for us, not sure about my mum who was probably run ragged looking after us all)! I get on really well with both of my siblings but they don't like each other much at all so I rarely see them together which is a bit sad.

Would I have three? Hmmmm don't know. My parents had a lot of disposable income that my DH and I just don't have. They also had lot s of help from my grandparents who lived just round the corner plus my aunts, uncles and cousins were close by so we all did lots together. Even with all the support and extra cash it sounds like it was hard work and I know my mum did find it very hard.

I don't have any family support nearby as I live far from home, plus we can't afford a bigger house where we live (near London) and I don't know if we ever will unless we win the lottery. Not that we couldn't squeeze in three DCs to our teeny house, I'm sure there are bigger families in smaller properties, but it just wouldn't be very comfortable.

I also really cherished the times I got to spend one on one with either of my parents. They are some of my best memories from childhood. I think the occasions when you can enjoy that sort of one on one time with DCs wanes a bit the more you have.

So, on balance, I'd probably not do it. But, I wouldn't rule it out for the future, especially if we moved closer to my family or somewhere we could afford more space etc.

[Bythebeach]

My husband is one of three and he actively wanted three as did his sister. His brother has two though...

[Maddaddam]

I'm one of 3 (middle child with close age gaps). I liked it as a child and also now as an adult. I'm much closer to one sibling than the other but I have always appreciated there being slightly more of us (to buffer my parents' madness but that's probably another thread).

DP is also one of 3, the youngest after a long gap, and he also liked it, though he grew up as an only child in some ways as the others left home when he was pre-teen.

We have 3 now, I think for both of us 2 felt a little too quiet and tidy....

[OhNoNotMyBaby]

YABU for telling parents of 3 young children not to post.

YABU for also over-thinking. You cannot control the dynamics of sibling relationships, no matter how much you want to. Of course you can encourage love and respect between children but there's no guarantee they will always get on with each other.

You need to think more about whether you feel your family is complete as it is, or whether you would enjoy another baby. Also finances - YY to others who have said that 3 is lot more expensive than 2 (holidays, cars, bedrooms etc ).

[user1473509591]

I'm one of three (all girls) and we're all really close. I'm the eldest. My middle sister had a bit of 'middle child syndrome' but my youngest sister is laid back like me. I could easily have felt left out (mum favoured middle one, dad favoured youngest) and I was the one pushing boundaries while my younger siblings barely had to try. But other than that had a great upbringing and we're all super close :)

[heron98]

I only have one biological sister but we were brought up with my mum's friend's daughter who lived with us and whom we consider our sister too.

I am the eldest although there's not much in it.

I think we all get on and are equally close, although sometimes one sister will moan to me about the other which makes me wonder what they say about me!

[Velvian]

I'm 1 of 3, my husband is 1 of 3 and we have 3. We all have various family issues to contend with, but I don't think it related to being 1 of 3. So grateful for my sisters.

[OohMavis]

Oh I missed the bit in your OP asking people like me not to post

How odd.

[Charmed18]

My husband is middle of three and felt left out. My nan is one of three and felt left out...I have three oops!

[DryIce]

I'm one of three - I don't remember ever really feeling left out, although I am the oldest and possibly my youngest sister would have? I think we are all quite close as adults, though - I don't think any of us would vote to send one back!

[beelover]

I am the eldest of three and DH is the middle one of three and we have three grown up DC. Two DC so far have families and one of them also has three and the other more. Think it would be fair to say that none of us have any regrets about the three thing!

[LazyJournalistsShouldPissOff]

I love my 2 siblings dearly, although both me (the oldest) and my middle sibling get on best with the youngest. So of course I would never wish away either of them! However, I have one and am considering when to have another. If we only wanted 2 I might be inclined to give myself more of a gap between them than if we wanted 3.

DH is also one of 3 and it probably feels natural to both of us to have 3 because that's what we are used to. But we don't have family nearby, I'm a SAHM, and I just think that as much as I would love to have 3, from a practical point of view it would be pretty stressful! Having 2 would mean staying in our house, keeping our cars, me being able to go back to work earlier and having enough money to go on holiday, go out for lunch as a family etc. Not to mention the cost of food, clothes, mobile phones, potentially university etc. I think 3 would really stretch us. If money was no object and/or we lived near family I think we would definitely go for 3 though. I love the idea of a big bustling family as they get older but I think the early years would be very hard.

[Giveusawobble]

You need to stop listening to other people.

I am one of 3 with number 4 tagged on when we were all a great deal older, no issues we love each other and are very close.

In our general family/friend groups (adults) there are big families with no problems, big families with problems, 2 sibling families who are very close and a couple that can't stand each other / are distant.

Nothing can guarantee siblings are going to be close, the number of them don't make a difference.

Have a baby if you want a baby, don't if you don't, it really has to be that simple.

[KlingybunFistelvase]

Agree with above really - you can't really predict how the family dynamic will be. Your DH imagines they will be a big jolly gang, but that mightn't happen. You are concerned they won't be as close as you and your sibling because there will be three instead of two when it's perfectly possibly they will be just as good friends.

If you don't want another baby then don't do it. If you do and can afford it then go for it.

[SpookyPotato]

I'm the youngest of 3 adults and never had the tribe growing up as they were older, but as an adult I love having two brothers. I think how the parents raise you is the key.. no leaving out, equal attention to all three, no encouraging competition or favouritism. We never had any of that.

[TownMouseCuntMouse]

I am the eldest of 3, only girl with twin younger brothers. We weren't close at all, and still aren't. No animosity, just practically strangers to each other now as we have nothing in common. They are close though. I think tbh it had more to do with them being twins, both boys, and being very different to me (young for their age so the age gap felt even bigger, introverted).

I now have two DDs and am thrilled as I hope that is a good setup for them to be likely friends in the future. I always wanted a sister rather than the two brothers I has. Part of me wonders about having a third, but I think we won't for all the practical reasons you mention, plus I hate hate hate being pregnant, plus I like their cosy twosome dynamic.

[crayfish]

I know you want to hear from people with two siblings but I'm just popping in to say that no matter what you do, or how many you have, you can't control how their relationships will work. I am one of two siblings and we have a very close age gap (16 months) and we hate each other. I haven't spoken to my brother for years and probably never will again. Personally I would have liked another sibling but who knows, we might have hated each other too.

DH is one of four and loves it. There are too many to have too much sibling rivalry and they are all really close as adults. Their parents house is hugh though! I am pregnant with DC2 and if all goes well will have another, I would love three.

[SpookyPotato]

And I agree about how the number doesn't matter, I know plenty of two sibling families who don't get on.. The ones I do know have rubbish parents who just let them fight as kids/teens and kept swapping favourites depending on who was being good that day.

[Rollonbedtime7pm]

Me and DH are both middles of 3, no issues for either of us with sibling relationships etc or closeness to parents.

We had baby 3 this year and she is delightful - my easiest baby so far. I absolutely feel like she has completed our family and we feel like a nice circle now rather than a pointy cornered square of 4

The older 2 (6&4) adore her, it's lovely.

You do have to have belief in your decision if you do it as I have found that people seem to think that if you have 3 (rather than the regulation 2, especially as my 2 were 1 of each) then you are going to keep going to 10 . I spend quite a lot of time going "er no, i'm not mad thank you and yes, this is actually going to be my last one!"

It gets a bit boring tbh! But do it for you, not for other people or your other children.

[Rollonbedtime7pm]

Oh, but you will need a big car as very few can get 3 full car seats across the back! Even our scenic is too small really!

[lamprey42]

I am one of four but with a big gap between the eldest and the youngest three (which includes me) so often felt like one of three especially since later eldest off at uni. With three there is always the chance of two forming alliance and other being left out. This often happened with us but not always same pair. We were all girls so not sure how mixed sex would change. Overall we mostly got along and have a good relationship now. I think it's more down to personality than number - my dad is one of two and has a very difficult relationship with his brother.

[HairsprayBabe]

I love being one of three I am equally close with my brother and sister and I wouldn't change my siblings for anything.
I love our little unit and I have never felt left out or sidelined by them. I am the eldest and my brother is the youngest.
DP is also one of three and is very close to his sister (younger) and brother (older).

There are 2 years between me and my sister and 7 years between me and my brother. There are 2 years between DPs brother and him and 7 years between him and his sister.

I feel like a team with my siblings in a way I don't think I would if I was one of 2.

[JellyWitch]

I'm one of three and so is DH. We each have a sibling who has turned out a bit nuts and we have limited contact with. So we could see that as a reason to have a third (in case one is a nutter, so at least the two normal sibs have someone to stay in contact with!).

My mum advises me to stop at 2. For financial reasons I think we will - getting 2 through uni is going to be hard enough.