to not let baby's dad be there for birth as i want my sister?

[ABWilk]

i don't know if im bu or not...

my dp means well, but he is awful with things. he will be the type who will be on the floor and need me looking after him, instead of him rubbing my back, helping me breath or whatever. when he came along to one of my blood tests he kept making noises as the needle was getting close to my arm which was fucking irritating and off putting for the nurse, etc. he just isn't good with things like that. he sits there and always goes through the worst case scenario out fucking loud, so i can just imagine it now. after all this, he still wants to be there for the birth.

dsis has had 3 children, she knows how it is, she would ultimately be the best person to be there, she will be able to keep me calm but not make it all about her. i don't know if ill get through it without her and with my dp there... i keep trying to subtly imply this to dp but he isn't really getting it... i feel like i should just come out with it and say i don't want him there for the birth.

of course he would be the first person to come into the room but i just don't know if i can have him there!

would i be unreasonable to do this??

[ohdearme1958]

Well done for admitting this OP. And no, you're not being unreasonable for not wanting your husband there. In fact I think there's many a woman who didn't want or need their partner at the birth but went along with it anyway in case people got the idea - they must have problems, he wasn't at the birth.

You do what you know to be the best thing for all of you. You don't have to be bolshy about it. You might in fact find that deep down inside your partner really would prefer not to be there either.

[ineedbanoffee]

YANBU - you need to have whoever makes you feel most comfortable. My mum is constantly pissing me off about me not having her at the birth (am preg with DD3) - but she'd stress me out. DH doesn't stress me out - he makes me feel secure. So it's him. If it was the other way around, it'd be her.

However, my DH actually fainted when I had a blood test when preg with DD1. He was absolutely fine through the whole birth. Sometimes they're less wussy than we expect

[Randomer234]

I don't think you are bu however I do think you should give him a chance and have dsis on standby (in the car park if she's not allowed in) he is babies dad after all and may surprise you when it comes to the birth itself. My dh is rubbish however was the most supportive and amazing person when our ds was born. Explain to him that you want him there but if he starts flapping then your dsis will step in to support you. You might find if you have a chat with him he might suck it up enough to see his baby being born 😉.

[Nuggy2013]

My DH is absolutely shit when I'm ill/unwell. He was an amazing birth partner though and I'd second giving him a chance and letting DSIS be on standby. Best of luck

[MotherDuckSaid]

It doesn't sound like he'd 'enjoy' the situation anyway.. Perhaps hes waiting for u to say it, bcos being a good partner he wdnt say if he didn't want to be there .
He sounds Just like my OH, who cant watch any program with any sort of blood or anything without screwing his face up awfully and making gagging type noises, without even being aware hes doing it.. That was what he was like during labor !! We have four children , he was there for th first two (as well as my mum and sister) , the third one I bit the bullet and told him to look after th other kids instead because he just annoyed me and I think he was actually more traumatized by the whole event than I was.
I had a section for the 4th one , I chose to have my sister there .. We're playing it by ear with this one, I know he'd quite like a reprieve , however I think he shud hav th snip now, but bcos he is So squeamish he dsnt think he can go thru with it (!!!) so I'm hoping tht seeing what I will go thru will make him realise how ridiculous hes being not being able to handle one little snip !
So , looooong story short, ur nt being unreasonable, in my opinion :)
Have ur sister there , u need to feel comfortable and to be the one who's 'center of attention'!
Good much 😊

[foxtrotoscarfoxtrotfoxtrot]

Have you asked him if he wants to be there? Perhaps he doesn't.

I didn't think DH would make a good birthing partner, for similar reasons, but on the day I was glad of his support. I don't think it did him any harm to see just how brutal birth can be. Going through it together made us closer.

[Gameofparenting]

After being in labor all night I in my exhausted painful haze pushed my DH out in favour of my DSis when it was decided I needed an emergency C. She turns 1 next week and he's still not over it. I thought I was doing the right thing and he could get some sleep...

[Sillybillybonker]

Do you actually like him? It sounds like you think he is useless. Maybe he is useless. I don't know the guy. Perhaps you should just leave the bastard and be done with it.

[HermioneWeasley]

Childbirth is about the woman. I don't give a fuck if it's "his baby too". Until men do 50% of pregnancy and labour they don't get a say in this.

I think there's evidence to say that generally, having fathers at the birth is bad for labouring women because so many men are so fecking useless. You need a birth partner who will support you, focus on you and advocate for you. If that's not him make no apologies about getting someone who can do that. You are bringing his child into the world. If he can't actively contribute to that, the least he can do is get out of the way and let someone who can help you get on with it. His feelings and thoughts have never been less relevant.

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

Childbirth is about the woman. I don't give a fuck if it's "his baby too". Until men do 50% of pregnancy and labour they don't get a say in this

Amen !

[birdybirdywoofwoof]

I had my sister there and not DH. (Three times) It went great.

However, he didn't want to be there and I wanted her there so...

How does he feel about it?

[edwinbear]

DH wasn't much use when I had ds and found the (difficult) birth stressful and upsetting. We both agreed it would be better if he stayed at home and took care of ds, whilst I had dd with my independent midwife as my birth partner. He said he really couldn't face watching another birth, and I felt he wasn't very supportive or assertive enough when things started going wrong.

2nd birth without him there, was infinitely calmer, quicker and more straightforward - possibly because I felt safer, more secure and better supported. I think it would have been good for him to see the text book birth I had with dd, so he could understand the experience with ds was unfortunate, but ultimately, dd was born safely, I had a wonderful birth and DH was mainly just relieved all went well.

[booklooker]

I don't know why you are not having this conversation with him, rather than discussing it with a bunch of complete strangers.

Because when you do discuss it with strangers, you get helpful comments like 'Perhaps you should just leave the bastard and be done with it.'

[FrazzleM]

YANBU

^If it's strictly one birth partner in the room, I'd let have both at the hospital, give him a chance but swap him out for DSIS if he's not being supportive enough, then swap him back in for the pushing stage.
But you may find they'll let you have both and the rule is just to avoid entire families turning up.^

^ THIS ^

My DH was completely and utterly useless! I know many other dads who were the same. By the third time round though he was better. I gave him a strict list of dos and don'ts. You could also do this with your DH.

[Headofthehive55]

It's a good job I had my DH with me. Although he looked rather worried when I had a large injection, he was in fact vital at the birth. You see the midwife failed to notice that I was in fact delivering. He was the one that noticed what was happening!

[Dinosaursgoboo]

I found it helpful to have DH there from a sympthy perspective i.e. I think he had a lot more sympathy for me in the recovery period because he saw the whole shebang, rather than imagining a sanitised tv kind of birth. Completely up to you, of course.