to not let baby's dad be there for birth as i want my sister?

[ABWilk]

i don't know if im bu or not...

my dp means well, but he is awful with things. he will be the type who will be on the floor and need me looking after him, instead of him rubbing my back, helping me breath or whatever. when he came along to one of my blood tests he kept making noises as the needle was getting close to my arm which was fucking irritating and off putting for the nurse, etc. he just isn't good with things like that. he sits there and always goes through the worst case scenario out fucking loud, so i can just imagine it now. after all this, he still wants to be there for the birth.

dsis has had 3 children, she knows how it is, she would ultimately be the best person to be there, she will be able to keep me calm but not make it all about her. i don't know if ill get through it without her and with my dp there... i keep trying to subtly imply this to dp but he isn't really getting it... i feel like i should just come out with it and say i don't want him there for the birth.

of course he would be the first person to come into the room but i just don't know if i can have him there!

would i be unreasonable to do this??

[diddl]

"It's his baby too though. I'm not sure it's fair to have your sis there above him."

It is if he can't even sit through Op having a blood test!

[Sabistick]

Don't over explain, say you are having your sister-shes been through it before ,then give him a job that will distract .
Not sure what would fit your circumstances.

[MrsRaymondReddington]

You need to do what's best for you. I'm due in a few weeks and will have my Mum there instead of DP. We all agree that she will be a lot more helpful than him! He's rubbish with needles and blood and if I asked him to rub my back, he'd probably get bored and give up after 30 seconds. He'll be outside though in case I change my mind. Good luck!

[BaggyCheeks]

YANBU - this isn't about the baby, this is about you labouring and needing the best support you can get during it. If he can't handle it, you need someone who can.

[melibu84]

I think you should have both of them there at the hospital, and they can take turns being with you, or you sister can be a substitute if your DP ends up being a twat. You never know, he might surprise you!

My DP was my birth partner, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

YANBU.

You need good solid support of someone who is going to be there for you. If you know what he is going to be like - don't do it. It could make your experience a really bad one.

I always remember seeing those pics Robbie Williams were posting when his wife was giving birth and I could have punched him for her.

Giving birth is no joke!

[Mamabear14]

I would have both there and they can swap out when needs be. For what it's worth I thought my dp would be utter crap during labour, squeamish to the extreme, especially with sick. He ended up holding my sick bowl, watching her be born and cutting the cord. I would have had no problem telling him if I thought he was being crap though, but I would have felt awful if he hadn't seen his daughter born.

[londonrach]

Up to you who you have thEre but might be an idea to have him outside to swap with sister if not. My dh is terrible re blood etc and before was refusing to do skin to skin was going to just be at my head etc. In fact not joking asked if he could wait outside and be presented with a washed baby. I said no but told him he can stay head end but i needed him there. During delivery he shocked me as before my eyes he suddenly became a man by Becoming the best birth partner ever. He encouraging me, i seriously dont think i could have done it without him. He saw dd come out and was amazing describing how close she was each push, cut the cord and did skin to skin. Everything he said he Wouldnt. Those moments after were very special and made me appreciate dh alot. He says he got caught in the moment and wouldnt have missed it as he saw dd take her first breath.

[GreatFuckability]

Darling, do you think you can suck it the fuck up? If not, you can wait outside while I get a human being out of me. Smooches

op, yanbu, its important you get support during this.

[Cocochoco]

Can't believe that some posters think you are being u. Nothing matters more than feeling supported while you give birth. Have your dsis there and dp in the waiting room.

[Shutupanddance1]

Seriously if he's scared of needles etc how is he gonna cope with sick child, vaccinations etc? Time to pull up his trousers and behave like an adult.

YANBU to want a supportive birth partner - but I know my DH would have been really upset if I didn't have him at my delivery. I'd have him well versed that you won't be taking any crap from him and book yourselves into antenatal classes, might help him with what's to come

[Sabistick]

Please don't think I'm being callous navy, just the more your decision is justified it becomes about what they can't do and rowing starts. Sometimes being given a task is all that's required. In my case, instead of dd1 being looked after by GPS it was the job, which he did very well and tremendously helped me.

[Dadstheworld]

If you are honest it may be a relief to him to not be in there. I really don't know how women cope with childbirth. You deserve the best support for you.

[Dontpanicpyke]

Yep take both but have this conversation with him now.

What did the nurse say to him during the blood incident? As an ex nurse myself I would have wiped the floor with him.

He may well surprise you.

[Butterpuff]

Sorry haven't read the whole thread if this has been suggested already but.

My DH is hopeless with anything like that, needles, blood etc. Passes out at blood tests, gets giddy with the thought of it. He really wanted to support me though and I wanted him there. He went for a course of hypnotherapy before the birth to help him cope with the blood the mess and the stress. In the end he was fabulous through a traumatic birth and eventual emergency C-section. I'm not sure if it was the hypnotherapy or the overriding need to be there for me and to see his daughter born but he really was fabulous. Maybe its an idea.

Though if he really will be hopeless then I would have sister at least on standby.

[RepentAtLeisure]

Have a strong talk to him. Tell him you need a supportive partner in that room, not a whiny child you need to take care of.

If he really wants to be there give him a shot, it is his baby too, but arrange that your dsis takes over if he falls apart, and tell the midwife to ignore him if he starts trying to be an attention sponge. (And maybe get him to watch a variety of birth videos beforehand.)

[DinosaursRoar]

The "it's his baby too" argument is coming from a different reason for a man being in the room.

While for many couples, they see the point of the father being in the delivery room is so they can see their child being born and to experience the birth.

However, in reality, the need to have a birth partner is to have someone there to support and help you that you know well and trust - not just a midwife you've likely never met before (and with a long delivery, maybe more than one covering your care). It's likely that you will be left a lone for long times without a staff member, so your birth partner is there to look after you.

Generations of men haven't witnessed the birth of their child, it is really only the last couple of generations where it's become the norm. However, it's rarely been the norm for woman to give birth completely alone.

I would sit him down and say that you need to talk about support in labour, that you really don't see from his behaviour at your blood tests etc that he will be a support to you, that it's not good enough to just not need support himself, he has to be able to give support. That you really aren't seeing it and perhaps it would be best for everyone if your Dsis is with you to support you, and he comes in the room as soon as the baby is delivered.

[Phalenopsisgirl]

Change hospital, I was due a home birth but ended up going in on an emergency transfer, my mum, dh and ds were all in the delivery room with 2 midwives plus doctor and no body batted an eye, there was plenty of room (obviously everyone knew to keep out the way when needed) and it was the smallest room in the unit. Single birthing partner policy is very backward thinking, being a birthing partner can also be exhausting and they may need some support too plus a break

[frikadela01]

Fuck subtlety and just tell him to get a fuckig grip or he's out. Also have a word with the supervisor or midwives about having both him and your sister in there.

I though my dp would be crap so gave him ground rules, do everything I say without complaining, do not tell me to push and stay head end. He rose to the challenge beautifully but kept looking at the business end, however him excaliming "wow I can see his hair" is what I needed to hear to do the last bit of pushing. He told me after that it was the scariest experience of his life and he went and had a secret cry whilst I was been stitched up.

[RaspberryOverloadTheFirst]

Dads don't have to be at the birth to bond well with their children. I was born in the late 60s. Dad dropped and ran, as was the norm in those days. We still have a fabulous bond.

DP was there when both of our DCs were born, but if he hadn't been fully supportive, he wouldn't have been.

To boil this down to a single point, a man's rights and role as a father don't begin until the moment the child is born. Before that point, the woman really does need to make it all about her, and what support she needs to get through the birth.

So have a full and open talk with your OH about the support you need, remind him that you are the patient, and I'd still arrange for your DSis to be on standby. Yes it is great when a man sees his child being born, but the price of that is for men to be supportive.

[diamondlilly]

Hugs - hope it doesn't get to stressful for you.