To ask: what is your life honestly like as a working single parent?

[KeepItToYourselfPlease]

I'm struggling. Or do I need to make some changes? I'm a single parent (not through choice) I work part time (take home a lot of work) and have a 3 year old.

I feel like my life is chaos. At the end of my working week, my house is a complete tip, I leave the house at 7.30, arrive home with DC at around 5pm. By the time I have done dinner, bath and bed and got started on work I have to get done, had a shower because I don't have time to have one in the morning, there's just no time for anything else house related.

I feel guilty because in the mornings I have to put 3 year old in front of tv so I can actually get me dressed and presentable for work, lunches and breakfasts done, and DC ready for nursery.

It just feels like a hamster wheel. Trying to make sure I don't forget anything, for me or DC, negotiating tantrums, trying not to be late for work, painfully aware that my performance at work and income is so crucial now I'm on my own. Its really bloody hard not having someone else there to share the load.

Is this just the way it's going to be for now? I think I just need to know there's an end to this!

[lostoldlogin2]

Jelly I think she is trying to learn how to do exactly that via this thread. Give her a break, eh?

[kittykittykitty5]

I worked full time as a single mum to four under five, I was on my own for just under seven years.

My life was a hamster wheel and quite often I fell off! I don't want to promote myself as some type of superwoman as quite frankly a lot of days were just downright awful!! I once got to work to discover my suit trousers and jacket were from different suits. One day I had odd shoes on and didn't notice until about 10am. My own fault as I had the same shoes in navy and black and had just put on one of each. I once went to a meeting and realised that I had a line of green snot right down the arm of my shirt! The worst time was when I booked a chiropractor appointment as I was convinced I had put my back out, I then went to the toilet and realised I had put my knickers on back to front that morning!

I was always falling asleep at my desk at lunchtime. If my boss was away I would sneak into his office and snooze on his sofa, I even had my own cushion.

But, for me organisation was everything. Anything I could do to shave minutes off gave me extra time with the kids. I have posted this before but I had days of the week hangers for each child with all their clothes for that day on. I had them as well and every hanger would have outfit, scarf, underwear on etc, it made it so much easier to get ready in the morning.

Kids used to have a chair each that their bookbag, shoes and coat used to be put on every night before bed. That saved time as well, no early morning stressing over missing shoes.

It was hard work though, I used to be exhausted but it was worth it in the long run.

[lostoldlogin2]

Rubble fair play to you.

Very few people who make the "triggering rage of single mums" comment accept that they have caused offence and try to make up for it.

Nice one

I get very angry very fast with that stuff because I heard it a LOT and often from people whose "working away partners" were in rather high profile roles and earning wedge!

Good for you. Thank you

[KathArtic]

Calm down Lost everyone is entitled to post their thoughts and experiences.

[Makemineacabsauv]

I find I lurch from one half term to the next and am exhausted term time with too much to do, too many demands etc, then sleep in the holidays when I can! Getting a cleaner saved me but as you say it came when kids stopped nursery etc. stop taking so much work home - I '' a teacher and made that decision a few years ago when I ended up with shingles through stress. Since refusing to do as much as I used to I have found school and home life much easier and both sets of kids are happier!

[RubbleBubble00]

I am sorry I just came onto offer some tips of how I get through a day. I didn't mean to cause any offence

[KeepItToYourselfPlease]

My holidays may be paid but I spend a great deal of them actually working. Same with weekends.

That is why I am finding it hard to stay on top of things. I did mention that in my OP. I work until late most evenings after DBB routine.

[IWantAMooseCalledDominic]

Sorry you had to go through that lost, obv not that similar set ups then sorry
Glad you're feeling bit better KeepIt

[KeepItToYourselfPlease]

No worries at all Rubble

[JellyOnIcecream]

Could you put aside one particular day a week to get housey things done, then do normal routine every other day? Like on the house work day you could make that a Huge priority then catch up with everything else rest of the week

[IWantAMooseCalledDominic]

Jelly seriously?? Not called for.

[stickystick]

My personal tips:

Have a look at flylady.net - look past all the advertising for stuff and there are some really good ideas and routines. This month it's all about before-bed routine and it's really made a difference to me. I now have our morning (including my shower) down to 30 mins, from waking up to us both being out of the door. I deploy cartoons on his mini iPad ruthlessly to get him dressed without protest.

My DS is 3.5 and just started at the nursery of a school. They have breakfast club, which has made a huge difference to me. Now I'm not late for work anymore. Changing nursery really can help a lot - our first one was not open quite long enough and I was always frantically rushing not to be late.

I send all our bed linen for a service wash, that is a very good investment particularly if you live in a flat.

I have befriended elderly neighbours who don't have any grandchildren - they can't do proper regular childcare but they will take DS for an hour or two at the weekends so I can get some tidying done or wash the kitchen floor.

This may sound terrible but I only bathe DS once or twice a week. At 3.5 he doesn't need washing every night and saves lots of time, stress and mess. Also seems better for his eczema.

Most of all though I have a routine for DS which he's pretty much been on, more or less, since he was born - it seems to ground both of us. We know where we are & what's coming next, even if it isn't very exciting.

[JaceLancs]

The hamster wheel isn't as bad as they get older - but I'm still on if to a certain extent as the world is not set up for single parents financially speaking and I am still struggling despite DC now having finished university
The plus side is the shared journey has brought us closer - they became more independent from fairly young and have turned out to be reliable, caring adults with a fantastic work ethic
Hang in there am sure you are doing a fab job - you will look back and be so proud of your achievements and your DC

[MyPeriodFeatures]

adalovelacescat please tell me more? I'm currently fascinated by agency oppression and that sounds like a story to me!

OP I was in the cycle you are up until 6 months ago. I am now broke and living off a tiny self employment income and my god how much happier are we?!!!!!

The great thing about 3 year olds is that a walk to the park or helping with laundry can be quality time, you can buy fish fingers in a massive pack for less then a quid and there are loads of free things to do every day. I wouldn't swap my £10.00 a day life for what I had before. (100 per day life)

[OldPodge]

Been on my own since ds's were 2 and 4 and they're now 17 and 15. Have never worked less than 30 hours and have no family nearby to help, so it's been tough, lonely and heartbreaking at times it must be said.

A couple of friends in the same boat have made a real difference and helping each other where possible, including moral support.
Have learned over the years to take it on the chin when other people comment on how they admire me for not worrying about the chaos of our house, when the only way to survive has been to muddle through most of the time....and hating it really.....not having time to be on the PTA or help out with school trips and all that...trying not to be jealous.

Weekends are still and have for years been spent catching up with essential household stuff, but a life saver for me was also discovering that getting out of the house together for a walk somewhere helped us all cope with the frantic pace of the week. It costs nothing and even on soggy days we've all had fun. So many picnics, feeding ducks, running around the woods playing hide and seek..
I've coped because I've had to...I've brought my boys up...me alone...provided a loving, safe home, happier than many couples I know. And they're becoming wonderful young men, and I'm so so proud of them and myself. Ex doesn't even know what he's missed out on

[oldlaundbooth]

Nothing constructive to add only that I have utmost respect for single parents. It's incredibly hard, often thankless but please know you are hugely admired.

If I ever won the lotto I'd set up a charity giving respite to single parents in the form of kids camp for the kids - treat the kids AND give the parents a break.

[lolo14]

What an inspiring post this is :) made me feel tons better, single parenthood is hard and sharing with others who understand helps immensely

[KnightsOfCydonia]

I'm only in week 3 of single parenthood, and a hamster wheel is exactly how I'm feeling right now.
I'm very lucky in that I have a decent ex who pays the correct amount of maintenance but is also happy to give me extra cash if I need it for bigger occasional expenses (holiday club during school hols for example)
I also have supportive family members both mine and ex Hs who help me look after the kids when I'm working.
I'm currently working 6 days a week with 1 late night per week (around 45 hours) and I'm just making ends meet and no more.
While I am managing day to day, I have no leisure time for me, and the housework has noticeably slipped since it was just up to me.
My DC are 5 and 7 so the eldest can get himself dressed and can actually be a really good help, the younger can help, but she is refusing to at the moment (I think she may be acting up because she's missing her dad and struggling to settle into our new lives)
I'm sure it will continue to get easier or we will just get better at it
I struggle with the thought that I'm likely to be alone for quite a few years to come.

[pallasathena]

For me, it was establishing routines that really helped. I used to get up an hour earlier than I needed to each weekday morning and get stuff organised, have a leisurely shower, sort breakfasts/bus/dinner money for the kids and do one household job - in the winter it would be putting together a casserole in the crock pot ready for when we came home or just folding up washing that had dried overnight.
It meant that come the weekend, there was time to go out for a walk, feed the ducks or whatever and most importantly, it meant that each morning, I had a good hour and a half to myself - my sanity break I used to call it.
I found that establishing regular routines helped my kids cope with the marriage break-up as did moving from the original family home to a new house and a new school for them.
Handled carefully, sensitively and calmly, change can be a positive in a child's life as can establishing little routines that make them feel safe because they know what will happen and when.

[motheroreily]

I've only got one child and she does see her dad eow. So I catch up on big housework jobs then but try and do a little bit each evening.

I don't have any family nearby and I find it impossible if I have to travel for work or work outside my normal working hours which happens a lot in my job. I feel sick when I get an email at work saying "mother can you attend this please it's 3 days in xxxxxx (somewhere requiring an overnight stay)." I try my best to work around it but often just have to say no and I worry how many more times I can say no.

My ex works odd hours so can't help out on weekdays.

[Ginoholic]

OP I have no advice but could have written your post. I am also newly single with a 3 year old and very much struggling with the same things you are. I am also 4 months pregnant and can't get over the constant panic of going through the newborn stage alone, and fear the situation will only get worse.
Sorry for the lack of advice, but you have my sympathy

[CalmTheFarm]

I'm a single parent to a 17yo DD and have been for 11 years (since she was 6ish), always worked 40 hours per week and DD has never had contact with her father since then. Obviously things are a lot easier now she is a teenager, but what I used to do when she was younger:

• Try and set one particular time slot for cleaning, Friday evening was always my cleaning night, it was out of the way for the weekend.
  
• I use to get up before her and do a general tidy up.
  
• I would get DD to do some simple chores (put away the shopping etc)
  
• I always went for a walk / gym in my lunch break to get my exercise / time alone
  
• I try to do a crockpot meal once a week and do a roast on a sunday for left overs.
  
• Organise everything the night before to reduce chances of being late to school / work.
  

It does get a lot easier when they do go to school, because at least they are not totally reliant on you and can do simple tasks themselves.

And do take time out to enjoy your DC, DD is leaving for University next (all going well) and I have no idea what I am going to do with myself, I'll be all by alone im living in denial

[ImNotWhoYouThinkIam]

I'm a single mum of 2 and work full time hours but condensed into 3-4 days per week. My dc are older though at 12 and 9. This helps as they can get themselves dressed and make breakfast etc. Then again I spent a lot of the time we are together nagging them to do homework/tidy their rooms etc.
My mum provides childcare for me (the dc effectively live there half the week) and I cover her food and petrol costs. Plus a bit extra on the rare occasion I can.
It's hard work. The house is always a mess. I'm always exhausted. The dc miss me (I was a sahm until the youngest was 5). There's never enough money at the end of the month.

But it's worth it for pride and self worth. And teaching the dc you have to work to have nice things. Etc etc.

[PeachOwl]

I'm not a single parent, I work full time with 2 primary aged dc and that's tough enough without not having a partner. My dm worked full time and was a single parent to 5 and she was always busy and never stopped and I have no doubt that one day your dc will be as proud of you as I am of my dm. My dm taught us to do things like cooking and washing earlier than most of our friends did and we had a very strict chores rota but we were all very grateful once we got to uni/moved out. society should be telling you what a great job you're doing because you are.

[KeepItToYourselfPlease]

There are some incredibly strong women on this thread!

I'm really sorry to hear what a tough time some of you are going through at the moment.

There are some great ideas here that I'll definitely give a go.
I appreciate that a big part of why I'm finding it so hard at the moment is that DC is so small.
I think I could cope better with the hamster wheel if the journey wasn't punctuated with random outbursts, odd demands and flat out refusal to do things

Trying to get out of the house on time this morning was a joy after a huge strop about wanting to wear flip flops to nursery:

"I'm not going to stand here and argue about it Mummy!"

Oops........