That this attitude to rape exists ***trigger warning***

[summercoldssuck]

Have name changed to protect myself as some details may be identifying. But been around a while - penguin bollards, cancelled chequers etc

Sat at work today and overheard 2 colleagues discussing rape and a certain footballer awaiting a retrial.

Colleague 1 states that as far as they are concerned it should only be classed as rape if the person is dragged into a bush screaming. Colleague 2 agrees and states that as so much is now classed as rape they don't really understand what rape really is any more.


As a rape survivor who was not dragged into a bush but in a burgeoning relationship and was asleep in my own bed when I woke to find new boyfriend having sex with me without any consent and already fully aware that I was not ready to take that step in our relationship I find Thai attitude appalling.

AIBU to be really sad that people think this way?

[summercoldssuck]

Winehelps attitudes haven't changed at all from your experience as far as I can tell. When I discussed my experience with a few close friends I mostly got exactly the same answer. He is your boyfriend, you are in your late 20's, you let him stay over., what did you expect. We had broken up, he drove 200 miles after a 12 hour night shift to see me and "make amends", I let him sleep on the sofa against my better judgement because after a long and gruelling day at work I wasn't in the mood for a row. He totally an used my trust and yet I was the one in the wrong according to my FEMALE friends. Even I had to have it pointed out to me that it was rape. I had convinced myself that people would see it as my fault and so i must have led him on.


The fact that people in their 30's and 40's still seem to think that rape is used "too often" and that dating someone or dancing and flirting in a club means it shouldn't be classed as rape as lines were "blurred".

[summercoldssuck]

Strong he plays for a club about 10 miles from me and it is frightening the attitudes! She was drunk so no one really knows, she had led him on, well he scores goals so he can't be too bad. It makes me sick. I don't like football but there i refuse to use any of the facilities at the ground over it

[StrongBelwas]

summer most of them didn't even bother reading anything about the case! As long as he could score goals it was all fine

[summercoldssuck]

That is half the issue, hero worship. The other half is stupidity I think. It was my female colleague who was trying to argue that alcohol etc muddies the water because how could a man truly know if she meant no or just hadn't said yes. I was on a conference call listening to some very dull waffle but I really wanted to shake her and point out that if she was too drunk to know what was happening then she was too drunk to consent to sex.

A lawyer would not allow a drunk/drugged client sign legal documents as they would not be considered to be of sound mind and judgement so how the hell is it considered on for sex?!

Properly boils my piss. But I am glad to know others agree with me!

And to all my fellow survivors.

[anyhue]

OP, I don't think YABU to be sad about it, it is truly depressing.

There seems to be a woeful lack of education with respect to rape.

It is horrifying that some men, and even more so some women, can have that attitude. You would think that women would have a much more intuitive understanding?

[PrettyBlueDressForTheXmasBall]

it isn't difficult to know what is and is not rape.

Actually it can be really difficult. I speak as a victim. I wasn't sure it counted as rape, even though I didn't want it and had made that clear, because, after 4 hours of H (now ex) constantly pestering, grabing at me and not allowing me to go to sleep (whilst I was desperate for sleep and it was early hours of morning) I finally gave in and said fine and allowed it to happen. I know now it is rape but at the time I really couldn't decide if he'd done wrong or if it was my fault because, after hours of him refusing to take no for an answer, I allowed it, just so he'd stop grabbing at me and let me sleep.

[LittleMoonbuggy]

It's so depressing. I remember a few months ago reading a short article in a newspaper about a poor female soldier in the UK who had been raped by a fellow soldier at the base, can't remember all the details but think she may even have later died in circumstances linked to it. I was horrified at the wording the reporter chose to use to desribe the rape- I'm positive they used the word 'romp' and it seemed so inappropriate.

When I hear the word 'romp' it is definitely consensual sex that comes to mind, not rape. But as long as mainstream newspapers report like this what hope is there of attitudes changing?

[justilou]

I was violently raped when I was 17 by an older guy at a party. When I reported him, it turned out that he was a policeman. (Wouldn't you know it?) I was told that everyone knew he was dodgy, but my life would be made hell if I reported it. I was tailgates by police cars for months afterwards. (Was the 80's and the police were very corrupt where I grew up.) I decided that it was healthier to compartmentalise this as an act of violence, not sex - and while I didn't discuss it at the time, I shall do so with all of my kids.