To not want to do alternate Christmases?

[JoansPenNecklace]

DH's parents were often really unpleasant to him growing up, have caused both of us a lot of pain by being nasty to me and controlling and cruel towards him and they have no friends, with good reason. DH is frightened to confront them about their behaviour and things are OK now but only with us trying to hold them at a distance and I find seeing them very difficult. DH also doesn't enjoy seeing them. Growing up, DH didn't do alternate Christmases as his parents fell out with family and didn't want to see them. My family pretty much did alternate Christmases with the occasional one just us. I feel that given the circumstances we shouldn't feel obliged to do alternate Christmases with his parents as neither of us want to spend the day with them and I don't see why we should dread Christmas every other year. DH doesn't either but I think he feels that saying we aren't going to see them when they will think it is their turn, will cause an argument. AIBU to think we shouldn't have to do alternate Christmases with people who make us so unhappy and that there must be a diplomatic way round this?

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

I think that Christmas can be stressful enough what with the quest for 'perfection'. If your ILs have always been unpleasant why bother to stay in contact with them at all? NC may sound harsh but it would be a good idea in this case. Don't feel guilty about it. Nobody needs to have nasty people in their lives. They must have spoiled your DH's childhood but they don't have to spoil the rest of his life.

[Planty18]

It's your Christmas so do what you would like to do. I've spent one Christmas at pil and we never would again. They don't expect us to, don't invite us, just complain that we aren't there sometimes but we have Christmas at home now. You always have a choice.

[Vintagegirl1]

Yanbu op! When we first moved into our home dh insisted on alternating xmas with my mum and in laws. But when I had a falling out with my mum it was just assumed that we would go to inlays. This went on for four years until I couldn't take it any more. It caused huge fights with my dh when I said we were staying home at Xmas and is one of the reasons I am now nc with in laws.

[TwigTheWonderKid]

If they've been as horrible as you suggest it's pretty unlikely that they are going to wake up one morning and suddenly realise the error of their ways. I can understand why you don't want to lay your cards on the table however, if you simply avoid them, from what you describe, that will also give them grounds to "blame" you for the situation rather than reflect on why you are avoiding them and coming to the conclusion that the situation is of their own making.

[meercat23]

I would add my support to those advising against getting yourself stuck into a pattern that you don't want.

When my DC married and started their own families they decided that they wanted Christmas in their own homes. I was fine with that and we agreed that we would have a whole family get together , usually at our house, the weekend before Christmas and that they could then do their own thing without having to worry about seeing us or each other.

This worked fine but then they decided, between them, that we shouldn't be left on our own and that we should spend our Christmas day with them turn and turn about.

Lovely that they want to see us but we now spend our Christmas day travelling to visit one with presents and then lunch with the other. Much as we love them all, if I am honest, sometimes I would rather stay at home. Breaking the pattern seems really hard.

If you don't want to be stuck in a pattern of alternating then you need to not let that get established. Make the Christmas that you and your DH want

[nocampinghere]

considering you live near to them, could you do something like "pop in" for christmas morning bucks fizz? could just be 1/2 an hour.

that way you create your own rota/timetable/schedule whatever and you can't be accused of anything if they don't want to do that... ?

[hillyhilly]

I don't think you should go to them any Christmas never mind alternate ones. Don't explain why it's down to their behaviour just tell them what you have decided to do and when you will see them.
They are emotional manipulators anyway so you may as we'll do what you want and piss them off as try to please them and piss them and yourselves off

[alleypalley]

So they only invited you last year after you'd already said you have other plans. It sounds like they just wanted to make an issue rather than actually have you over for Christmas. Have they said anything to imply that they want you to go to theirs this year? I would just carry on making my own plans. Don't even mention Christmas to them, I think once you day what your plans are that's when they'll ask you again. If you don't mention Christmas I bet they won't either.

[BiddyPop]

We are a little stuck - as we live away from where we grew up but the DPs and DPILs only live 20 minutes apart. So we started out with 2 Christmas dinners (DMIL serves at midday, DM serves at "sometime after 6").

After 2 years of torture, we stayed in our own house, alone, for Christmas and it was bliss.

Since then, we have done some Christmases at home ourselves, and stay independently when we do travel (rent a cottage - stay in one or other DP/DPILs house on other visits during the year). There is no fixed pattern to it. We just decide ourselves what we want to do and then let everyone else know.

We would be happy to host others but no one is willing to travel - that may change as DMIL is going to DSisIL this year (new baby in the house) so she may start to accept our invitation some years. But even then, we would not be inviting people every year as a quiet Christmas is important to us too some years - our lives are far too manic as it is!

[Beetlejuice1]

I meant to add that your DH will be finding disengaging really tough if he has been trained (like I was by my parents) that he should fit in with their needs simply to avoid the trouble of not doing.

[Beetlejuice1]

Joan I am sorry you have narcissistic IL's (my parents are the same).

"he doesn't want to upset the whole family by explaining why we don't trust ILs with DCs alone or want to see them much as he doesn't want it to mean there can't be family gatherings with all of us. His wider family have some idea of the problem but don't know half of it. They are supportive of our unspoken coolness with his parents but if we were direct and came out and said to ILs how we felt they may well be less supportive"

If you can stick with this approach you may avoid all the pain of fully disengaging with these Narcissistic sounding people. At least for a while. Unfortunately if the IL's become too disgruntled the war will happen anyway. You will be in the wrong as they are superior in though word and deed in their opinion and projection of themselves.

We ended up in all out war with my narcissistic parents and it is not pretty, we are now out of touch with ALL my family who even though they have an idea of the problems we suffered don't really get it to sufficient degree, they also find their lives are easier if they 'don't get involved' . In practice this results in me and my DH and DS being left out of everything!


My biggest regret is letting my DS see too much of my parents in the first place so with hindsight that is the only thing I could have done differently. As I had it coming either way.


I hope it works out better for you.

[gemmawinegum]

You should do what you feel comfortable with. Life is too short to be dreading Christmas Day. If they don't like it then they can lump it aslong as your dh is fine with the arrangement.

[GDarling]

Yes Peppals, I say every year that we r thinking of going abroad, sometimes we do, sometimes we don't, the times when we haven't we have said that others have invited us to their small house, we get together about the 23rd of December, get it all over with, with other family, everyone brings some food, buffet, and I hardly know they r there😂...

[JoansPenNecklace]

Bibbity- I wanted to be able to show DH that we aren't being unreasonable if we don't do alternate Christmases and see if people had suggestions for how we could avoid getting into that without it causing a fall out with the ILs.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I'm not sure what you are asking here.

You don't like your dh's parents and it is not just a Christmas thing.

But you don't want to "set your stall out" so how is anything ever going to change?

What do you want Mumsnet to say to you?

[reallyanotherone]

Eh?

Is there some law you have to spend christmas with parents?

Never even occurred to me. We make our on plans, and accept/extend invites for the following few days.

[PeppaIsMyHero]

Had a similar issue and we broke the cycle by going abroad one Christmas and then never resuming the previous routine. Life is just too short to spend a short xmas break on motorways going places you don't want, but we didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings either. We just quietly moved the format on...

[JoansPenNecklace]

They asked us last year but only after we had already told them we were going to my parents! Literally "we are going to Joan's family." Grunts and looks annoyed: "Do you want to come to ours?" "Well no because we are already going to Joan's family". We live in the same city as ILs.
Both ILs are classic narcissists and just have no clue really. We do put in place some boundaries and they don't acknowledge them it's just met with complete silence. But does work for a while at least.
My ideal scenario would be just a tacit understanding that they have hurt us and been unsupportive destructive parents to DH and as a result will not be close to our family but without confrontation. I.e. they reflect on why we aren't close and realise they are to blame and that this is also why so many other people avoid them. DH says they never think they are in the wrong. Because we live in the same city and DH has other lovely family he doesn't want to upset the whole family by explaining why we don't trust ILs with DCs alone or want to see them much as he doesn't want it to mean there can't be family gatherings with all of us. His wider family have some idea of the problem but don't know half of it. They are supportive of our unspoken coolness with his parents but if we were direct and came out and said to ILs how we felt they may well be less supportive as they would then be put under a strain as the only people who the ILs could unload on, and because at present we can all still spend time together and pretend things are OK!

[ImperialBlether]

Do they live nearby? Would they know where you were if you didn't tell them?

I wouldn't spend Christmas with them. They spent it with who they wanted when they were younger - now it's your turn to do that.

[diddl]

"AIBU to think we shouldn't have to do alternate Christmases with people who make us so unhappy and that there must be a diplomatic way round this?"

Doubt that there's a diplomatic way to do it.

If you are already keeping them at a distance, why do they even know what you do at Christmas?

They just need to know that "seeing them doesn't work" imo.

[princesspineapple]

I agree with Ragwort about doing different things every year, then nobody can have any expectations of you to get offended over.
DP's family (10 adults over 3 generations) Did the same thing for christmas every single year for 23 years. The year we decided we wanted our own Christmas in our first house, it was like WW3! We've done different things for 5 years, and both our families grudgingly respect that.
It's your Christmas, put your own family first.

[TisConfusion]

Do what you and DP WANT to do. Don't worry about pleasing others.
I get on fine with DPs parents and DP gets on fine with mine but when we moved in together we decided that we always wanted to spend Christmas day in our own place. I didn't want to get in to alternating Christmasses. We usually see his parents on Christmas Eve and mine on Boxing day but it's not set in stone or anything.

[FoxesOnSocks]

Diplomacy with unpleasant people, is pointless: your DH's parents will be unpleasant and cause unhappiness whatever you do and however you do it (would that be fair to say?).

Tell them your not going if they mention it - straight out 'we're staying put this Christmas' - no need to explain past 'it's what we want'.

If they don't mention it, then you don't mention it, and you just don't go.

In other words feck 'em. He owes them nothing.

[0pti0na1]

YANBU. Meet them on your own terms in your own time.

[alleypalley]

Have they actually said they want you to go to theirs? I've been married 10 years and never been to my in laws for Christmas; they've never asked and we've not especially wanted to. We've been to my parents maybe 4 or 5 times, 1 abroad and the rest at home. I wouldn't go somewhere out of obligation.