To think DH is trying to sabotage my return to work?

[calliecat]

Had a baby last winter, and DH made it clear he didn't want me to return to work. (He earns a lot more than I do.) We argued talked about it and compromised on part time.

So I am in three days a week and for the other two days DC is supposed to go to a childminder. DH works four long days so for at least one of the days he is at home anyway but still insists I take DC and pick them up. If I object he points out I wouldn't have to take the baby at all if I was at work.

It's not about the money but I worked hard for my career and I have some lovely friends at work. But it's so hard

[liquidrevolution]

He is a sexist knobhead.

HTH

[JennyHolzersGhost]

Fuck that. Step up your career now. Get good childcare. Stand up to him. If you want to continue your career then fuck 'compromising' with him about it. It's your career not his. Is he 'compromising' with you about his career?!

[calliecat]

He is really good at doing the nappies, bedtimes, playing, winding, stuff. I can't fault him on that. When the baby was a few months old he would drive round in the early hours to get him to sleep and go to work the next day without moaning. He's better at me with babies, more patient.

[gamerchick]

Don't have any more babies with him. He may work on you soon to try and shackle you to the house again.

[Flisspaps]

He's not a better parent if he's trying to guilt and force you into staying at home against your will.

[Shurelyshomemistake]

Tell him that if you split up he would be having to make his own childcare arrangements in respect of your DD for the 50% of the week he would have care of her.

Why is childcare your responsibility? He half made her.

He sounds pretty neanderthal to be honest.

He gets up early and goes to gym? Up the ante. Say that if you cannot be sure that he will do his bit taking your DD to the childminder on his day at home, you will have to stay with a friend near work the night before to be sure of honouring your work obligations and contracted hours. See how he likes that. Golf, gym, my ass.

[calliecat]

No Madame, baby goes to c/m Monday Wednesday Friday. DH is usually at home at least one of those days

[BlueLeopard]

That's probably exactly his plan.

He's making his position clear. He is making it as awkward as possible for you to have a life outside of homemaking. I'd be extremely wary about ever being more dependant on him. Next thing will probably be to try and get you pregnant again as soon as possible so its twice as hard to hold onto your job. I'm sure he's lovely - if you live by his rules I suppose.

[calliecat]

I don't want any more gamer it's hard work!

[DeathStare]

But he does feel very strongly a child should be with their mum in their preschool years

That's absolutely fine - as long as he is the mum. He does not get to make somebody else's life choices for them. His views are not more important than anyone else's.

To try to make someone else live their life in accordance with his views is very controlling, regardless of any other good things he may do.

To try to enforce his control through passive aggression is bordering on abusive. The message he is clearly trying to make clear to you is that your wants/needs/happiness are not important to him and he will enforce his own way on you regardless of how you feel about it.

This is a big red flag OP, a big one. Don't minimise it just because he does some good stuff at the time when he isn't being controlling.

[annandale]

I just don't get why the baby goes to the childminder on the day when The Best Dad Ever* is at home?

*on two days a week

[Lucked]

Well I would just leave the baby in the house with him and go to work. Also I would be really tempted to get up and out early one day he was working with a note to drop the baby at my mums or something.

However I also would have returned to work at the hours I wanted in the first place.

[FarAwayHills]

Can you remind your DH that it's not the 1950s. Just because you've had a baby doesn't mean that you cannot continue to work AND be a good parent. If he's so concerned about your DC and would prefer them to be at home in their preschool years, why is he insisting on using childcare when he is at home? Oh yes this would be so he can play golf or go to the gym maybe.

[43percentburnt]

So his day off is spent playing golf and going to the gym rather than with his child, yet he's a good dad.

A good dad would want to spend time with his child - just because. He could take her swimming at the gym.

We believe it's good for a child to be at home with a parent (dh is a sahd), but if he wanted to work ft (we don't need him too) we would find a way to do it.

Your, good dad, dh is an arse. A good dad cares about his child's mum - emotionally and mentally. Your dh 'makes life as hard as possible'.

[PotteringAlong]

He can't feel that strongly about it else he wouldn't be sending his child to the childminder when he's not at work!

[annandale]

Golf? Baby could go in a sling. Or the clubs bag.

[calliecat]

I probably should have held out for full time but truthfully I am really struggling with 3 days. You can't beat him at his own game, he's too clever.

[annandale]

Christ. What a fuckwit.

[Blueskyrain]

You could just not take your child to the CM when he is home? If he wants the child to go there, then he can take him/her himself!
Who is paying for the CM BTW?

[TheAntiBoop]

He sounds awful! Wouldn't your life be easier if you separated - then he would have to actively parent.

He's not too clever -he's bully and you can see exactly what he is doing.

You know if you quit your job you will end up hating him

[calliecat]

The CM money just comes out of the joint account. I definitely don't want to / couldn't leave him, he does loads with the baby. He's just a dick over this.

[BerylStreep]

Yes, he is trying to punish you for daring to work.

I worked part-time when DC were small (still do actually) but I remember it being really, really hard work trying to juggle everything. I'm glad I did it though, because I kept up to date with my career, as well as finding it stimulating, rewarding, and it paid towards the household finances.

DH was only ever supportive in what I wanted to do, either way.

Your DH sounds like he is acting like a knob, regardless of the nappies and winding. Guess it will only take a couple of days for you to beat him out of the house first, for him to realise he needs to do drop off to cm on his 'day off'.

BTW, what do you do on your 'days off'? Gym, golf? My ass - you are working looking after your baby and I guess, the house.

[MadameJosephine]

I think I get it now, thsnks. I don't know why j was stuck on that actually, it's irrelevant really, he's still s sexist knob!

i should have held out for full time

^^ this makes me sad, if you want to work full time, go ahead. You don't need his permission. You may actually find it easier as you'll have the same daily routine rather than alternate days Sometimes I look forward to going to work on Monday for a rest

[Shurelyshomemistake]

Ask yourself this: do you currently get equal free time? Truly free time when you have no responsibilities??

It's not about him doing "loads" with the baby. That is normal. That is expected. He doesn't get a prize for that.

[SueTrinder]

I can never get over just how much some men fuck about the women they claim to love. Your husband is being an arse and worryingly controlling. DO NOT give up work, it is your escape should you need it.

He needs to be looking after your DC on the day he's at home, what is the point of wasting money on childcare that presumably comes out of your salary when he's able to look after the DC?