To think DH is trying to sabotage my return to work?

[calliecat]

Had a baby last winter, and DH made it clear he didn't want me to return to work. (He earns a lot more than I do.) We argued talked about it and compromised on part time.

So I am in three days a week and for the other two days DC is supposed to go to a childminder. DH works four long days so for at least one of the days he is at home anyway but still insists I take DC and pick them up. If I object he points out I wouldn't have to take the baby at all if I was at work.

It's not about the money but I worked hard for my career and I have some lovely friends at work. But it's so hard

[Mycraneisfixed]

He sounds a very cold unemotional man.

[KickAssAngel]

OP - if you're in a teaching union there's a very high chance you can access counselling from there. Go on the union website and look into it. You won't even need to speak to a single person at your school.

Speak to your GP. What you say is in utter confidence. Tell them honestly how you feel about your DS. Tell them that your DH undermines you (and this will be contributing to your feelings towards your DS) and that you have no friends or family to support you. Counselling for PND is very different from other forms of counselling and usually much quicker to access (although it can vary) because it concerns a child as well as an adult. I had severe depression during pregnancy, I didn't even believe that I was pregnant (at 38 weeks) and I had a psychiatric nurse at my house less than 24 hours after I finally broke down and told my doctor how I felt. And she came to my house afterwards, played with DD and chatted to me. So, it could just fit in with one of your days at home, and have DS there with you. But you need to be able to talk without DH there or able to listen in.

I really think that you need to access some support at the very least. Maybe you're right - that how you feel is making you be negative about DH. But getting some counselling will sort that out. If it doesn't, then you'll be in a better place to think about your future.

You also need to get some contraception sorted out. If you get pregnant now, with how you're feeling, it really could tip you over the edge.

Contraception and counselling - do you think you can deal with those two things?

[Marynary]

OP I think your main priorities at the moment are effective contraception and counselling. In the meantime, don't give up your job and whatever you do, don't go abroad.

[Memoires]

I, at nearly 60, am just realising that the reason I felt little towards my baby when she was born was because I had had to prove to dh that he was most important and that I therefore repressed my feelings about my baby so as not to let dh see how much I loved her and so he had no reason to be jealous.

It didn't work, as those sort of people are never satisfied. They will not be obvious about what they do or feel, just make you feel that everything you do is wrong and be unhelpful and uncooperative.

I suspect that you detached yourself from your baby emotionally because it's safer that way.

[Atenco]

I, at nearly 60, am just realising that the reason I felt little towards my baby when she was born was because I had had to prove to dh that he was most important and that I therefore repressed my feelings about my baby so as not to let dh see how much I loved her and so he had no reason to be jealous

So sad. I know if I had stayed with my dd's father, I would have been soo irritated by his macho ideas that looking after a baby and a child are women's work, that I wouldn't have enjoyed my baby at all.

I suspect that OP's husband is doing competitive parenting, which also has a toxic effect on the mother-baby relationship.

[Pollaidh]

Callie, the EAP type counselling via work/union/his work is free, and immediate (I phoned one week and was booked in for 6 free 45 minute appointments for the next 6 weeks, then a review, then a further 6 weeks). So if this is an option for you then it's a free, low-risk option. Other options are to find a counsellor in-training, they have much lower cost sessions.

Most counselling in the UK is not the psychotherapy, on the therapist's couch thing you see in US films. It's more a space where you can talk safely and work out your feelings, with the therapist asking questions to help you work out what's going on. Often Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is used, and this is about reframing / thinking differently. If you were depressed or anxious, you'd look at what made you feel that way, what made you feel better, and you'd have homework to maximise the good things, and take time to think over your day, assess how you've been, make sure you do something that makes you feel good (even if that's just stopping and looking at the view or feeding the ducks in the park). I'm sure someone else can explain it better, but basically it might help you feel better and stronger, and more able to cope. It might also be able to help you accept your ambiguous (and entirely understandable) feelings about your baby.
x

[StVincent]

How are you doing today, Callie?

[callycat1]

I am ok, I had to register again because I deleted the history from my computer then i couldn't remember which email address I'd used to sign up or password (I think i created a new email because i hate it when I get loads of spam emails) anyway I've registered again bit annoying though.

i really appreciate the answers. But I definitely don't want counselling at this stage. xx

[StVincent]

What could we do that would be a help at the moment?

It's all very well us saying what we think and giving advice, but it seems like you feel it's all a bit much at the moment.

Would you like us to ask more questions about your life?
Do you want to hear more of people's personal experiences?

Not sure if it's a help, but my mother always says she had to learn mothering from scratch. Her parents were a bit crap, father abusive etc. Didn't know what a happy family was like, but she still managed to make one and did an amazing job.

[Squeegle]

Hey Callie. I just read the thread. I feel like the PPs, in that there is an imbalance in your relationship. But you do sound very sad, and tired. You need to sort this first, please do get to the doctors. I agree also you need to consider your situation, and to work out whether you are equal partners or whether he is bossing you around. for me a thread like this was very useful,'but actually took me a lot longer to see how I wanted my life to be and that "it didn't have to be like this".

So be kind to yourself, but first get to GPs

[callycat1]

I don't know how people could help. I'm really bad with questions like that, sorry as I don't fully understand what people are getting at.

Thanks, Squeegle, I'm fine though, was just having a rough couple of days xx

[ReySkywalker]

Hi Callie, I wanted to post because I see similarities with how we both felt about our babies.
I wasn't sure I loved my baby either, I felt such shame and guilt about it. Even though I did the majority of baby stuff I was so grateful that DH did some because I honestly knew I couldn't do it on my own, be with this baby all the time, this peaked around 7 months. The only thing getting me through was telling myself 'this too will pass, this is a temporary stage of my life'
It's a year later and so much better now, you will feel like you love your child but you're going through a tough time, it will happen.

You must be feeling so overwhelmed with possible PND, work and being confronted with the possibility that the person you thought you could rely on above all others isn't who you thought he was.

You don't have to do anything right away except be kind to yourself and get in a less uncertain place. Go to the doctor about PND, no harm in just talking to them. Sort out contraception so you're certain you can get pregnant again. Read some self care books 'what mothers do' is a good one. Remind yourself that things will get easier with baby. This too shall pass.

While doing all this just observe your husband and his behaviour with the insights people here have given you, no need to take action yet if it's too scary just observe and judge honestly.

You'll come to a time when you feel you can take care of your child on your own.

Take care

[RandomMess]

You know I think just have some counselling to talk about how you feel about becoming a Mum and how you are finding that. It will help to have a non-judgemental ear to help you work through those feelings and stop your feelings of guilt (which are unjustified btw) spiralling further.

[callycat1]

I honestly do NOT want counselling. But thanks x

[QforCucumber]

Op I hope you're ok I really do. The first step you need to take is to visit a GPS and discuss your feelings towards your ds, you won't be the first or the last to feel this way - it really is completely normal to, and can be helped I promise you, but it can only be helped by talking about it.

People are advising that your dh is abusive as they have experience of alternative relationships, this is the only relationship you've ever known and therefore have nothing to compare it to. You believe you wouldn't be happy if you left, but again this is because you have had no experience of being alone and not having to explain money/agree to sex etc.
I do wonder, alongside working, do you do all of the household chores too?
Did your DH pay you through uni? You appear to be very grateful to hI'm for paying your way through life, whereas from the outside this looks to us like control. I wonder if he decided where you would go to uni for example?
If you were to go out for a meal with friends and ended dup staying later,spending a bit more than planned, would you have to explain why? Do you have to tell him every time you pop to the shops and buy something?

[RortyCrankle]

Hi callie I'm pleased you're hanging in there. I did a google search on 'Signs of being controlled in a relationship' and the first link
(of many) has a list of questions. It says in the intro paragraph, even ticking 3 or 4 out of the list is a good indication of being controlled:

Check off the symptoms of abusive or manipulative partners. Answer honestly and without justifying your partner's behavior (don't say "Well, she's not like that ALL the time," or "It's only happened once or twice--" if it happened at all it's an issue!). Simply answer yes or no. Even 3-4 yeses mean it is time to get out and get with someone who treats you with the respect you deserve. Does your partner:

Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
Put down your accomplishments or discourage your goals?
Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
Use intimidation, guilt, or threats to gain compliance?
Tell you what you can and cannot wear?
Tell you what you need to do with your hair?
Tell you that you are nothing without them, or they nothing without you?
Treat you roughly without your consent - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit?
Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abuse you?
Blame you for how they feel or act?
Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?
Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family?
Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?

What do you think callie? Would you tick any of those?

The thing is if you can acknowledge that your husband is controlling, it doesn't mean you should instantly leave him, not that you would anyway. It does mean that you can begin to make changes in your reactions to him and start to make decisions for yourself.

What do you think?

[hugs]

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Did you create a dummy email address so that your husband wouldn't know you're on here?

My mumsnet is permanently open on my iPad and phone. Dh doesn't snoop. And even if he did get curious and look, I wouldn't care. Nothing written by me he can't see - even if I've said stuff about him.

[Memoires]

Does Home Start still exist in your area? They can be very helpful.

[ThreeSheetsToTheWind]

RortyCrankle Tue 20-Sep-16 23:49:20 I just answered those questions, I answered 'yes' to 13 of them. I was married to my EH for almost all of my adult life and most of the time we got on great and had a lot of fun. But I gave up so much of myself, of my life, to keep him happy. I ended up having a breakdown. I also ended up alcoholic as alcohol was the only way I could cope.

OP I know you don't see it but I hope the information presented here has sunk in enough to start a realisation to dawn on you. Abusers are not abusive all the time, they are not always violent, they are very often good in many ways but they are still abusers. As time goes on their masks slip and the abuse increases. I really hope you see it sooner than I did. I had one relationship and it nearly broke me. I will never have another. I am though very happy now.

for you.

[notinagreatplace]

Not trying to pressure you but could you expand on why you don't want counseling?

[LonestarStateOfMind]

I also wonder why you don't want to have counceling (which is completely your choice btw) but can you talk to us about that? Have you had a bad experience of counselling in the past? There was a phone in on daytime TV yesterday about depression and one caller had pnd and said she was afraid to talk to anyone about it in case social services got involved and took her child away, which obviously wouldn't happen but her fear was very real.

There are two issues here, your DS and your H. It must be very overwhelming for you and you're not ready to deal with the issues with H yet but I urge you to seek help with your feelings towards DS

[ilovesooty]

If callie has repeatedly stated she doesn't want counselling I suspect it might be quite hard for her to verbalise why.

[MissMargie]

Counselling is talking to a stranger.
Just talking aloud about things that bother you helps a lot imv.
Or things that annoy you eg about DH, speaking about it makes you see if you are being unreasonable or not - that is much clearer when you say the words out loud instead of having thoughts go round your head. Also, of course, whether the things they do are unreasonable or not.

[Brokenbiscuit]

The OP has been really clear about not wanting counselling. I think we should respect that, and stop pushing her on it, even if we do think it would help her.

[Sancia]

callie, what are his reactions if you do not toe the line? For example, if you stood up for yourself and said no to sex -

• and I mean, seriously, you must, even if the rest is a little cloudy, realise that being coerced into sex you do not want with 'pestering' is classed as rape? -
  

• what would he do? Shout? Say cruel things? Bully you? What about money, if you stood up for yourself, what would he do?
  

Abusers don't have to hit. But they can commit rape, they can cut off your finances, they can isolate you from friends and family, they can convince you you're 'mental' and 'stupid' and 'a bitch and no one likes you' but also that 'I'm all you have' and 'No one understand you like I do', and then when you're alone you feel this bloke is as good as it gets.

You think you're in a nice relationship because 'he doesn't hit me'. I don't think Harold Shipman ever hit a patient, I don't think it makes him a good doctor. Those attitudes are fading. Financial abuse is abuse. Coercion is rape. Threats, violent language, breaking objects - abuse. You might not get him jailed for it, but you can still recognise it's shitty behaviour that good men don't commit.

Think of your son. His role model. How will your son treat the women in his life if he sees this as acceptable behaviour? Telling women that they cannot work, tracking a woman's periods (WHAT??) and forcing babies upon them against their will? Threats? Insults?