AIBU to tell friend of 35 years to sod off?

[mammyannie]

Bit of history to start. Met my friend, I'll call her 'Cora', at pre-school nursery. Went through the whole education system with her, then she moved away, got married, divorced, no DC. I stayed local, had DS, became single parent, began new career ten years ago and am reasonably successful. Cora moved back to her parent's two years ago and found part-time work. We had kept in touch sporadically while she was away, mainly on Facebook, occasional phone calls. Now she is back and won't leave me alone! Constant messages on social media, always just happens to be passing my house as I get home from work, sees that I'm online and phones the landline to chat...for hours! All of this I could handle if she hadn't now turned into the food police. For example, tough day at work so I posted a pic of a large glass of wine and bar of chocolate. Get a private message asking if I intend to eat all of the chocolate and drink all of the wine? Yes I bloody well did! Went on a short break and had messages everyday asking what I'd eaten and drunk. The day I came home she was on the phone to ask if I was having a take-away that night! Oh, and just so you know, I don't have a weight problem or eating disorder... DS reckons I should tell her to sod off (he's a teenager and has no patience with Irritating people), but I don't know if I'm just being over-sensitive. Help me mums-netters...what would you do?

[Heatherjayne1972]

Can you just ignore her? Don't answer messages or phone straightaway

[Gallievans]

I have to admit I also think she's lonely and maybe wanting some company. Perhaps the food at home (with parents) isn't what she likes or they've only given her a little space to store her things in (hence the small bags from H&B rather than supermarket amounts) - you know, kind of like student house shares where you get a shelf in the fridge and part of a cupboard?

I second the PP who says post a pic of wine and chocolate / a meal you know she'd like and ask her to join you if she comments.

If after that she turns out to be totally judgemental on wine / food and you really can't face her, you will at least feel better in yourself for having given her the chance.

Good luck!

[mammyannie]

Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to try the offer of food/drink next weekend and see what happens.... I'll report back. x

[mammyannie]

OK, I've asked if she wants to out for lunch or dinner at the weekend...her choice of venue. She's chosen a very nice Indian restaurant for Saturday evening. It's a little off the beaten track so I'll be driving us there - bottle of plonk in the fridge for when I get home later. Fingers crossed for nice evening....

[DeadGood]

Hope it goes well - thanks for the update!

[mammyannie]

So. I'm done. Picked Cora up from her house and as soon as she gets in the car she starts complaining about her older sister, then her parents, then her job, I try to be supportive but I have a niggling feeling that the evening won't be a bundle of laughs. We arrive at the restaurant and it's gorgeous! All reds and gold, lots of velvet draped everywhere. The staff are lovely and show us to our table. The menu is impressive with good descriptions of each dish....things are looking up.... Nope. Cora isn't impressed with the vegetarian choices although to me there seemed to be quite a lot. She settled on a veggie biryani and I went for the house special version...never could make my mind up so a bit of everything suits me. Cora doesn't want a starter so I pass as well. The meals come out and are beautifully presented, with the sauces in the usual dishes and placed on a hot plate in the middle of the table. The waiter explains which sauce goes with each meal and leaves us to it. Cora proceeds to 'play' with her sauce, lifting some up on the spoon then dropping it back in the dish while commenting loudly 'what's that supposed to be, it looks disgusting'. The waiter comes over and asks if there's a problem. She says yes, the sauce is awful. Lovely waiter offers to change it for a different one but Cora (very huffily) says 'no, it's ok, I'll eat the rice dry'. Waiter offers again to bring another sauce but Cora says no. At this point I'm trying not to slap argue with her, but instead offer her some of my sauce which is also veggie as the meat is in the rice. She says no, then proceeds to complain to me about the lack of vegetables in her rice. I mumble something that sounds like I'm agreeing with her while thinking...'because the veg are in the sauce!' Anyway...she doesn't want a dessert and just wants to leave. While we are waiting for the bill I ask if she fancies a drink in our local when we get back. That way I can ditch the car at home and salvage something from the evening. She doesn't answer, so I say 'or you could come to mine, I've got a bottle of plonk in the fridge'. Yes, she'll come back to mine. The bill arrives and they've given her a 50% reduction on her meal. Like I say...lovely restaurant and staff! Cora's response 'well I should think so too'. She doesn't add a tip to her share so I double mine ( the tip...not my share), they really couldn't
have been nicer! We get back to my house by 8.30pm and I crack open the wine only to be told 'just a small one for me'. Fine by me...I debate whether I should just stick a straw in the rest of the bottle but decide to be classy and use a glass...the biggest one I have though! She sips her thimble full, leaves a bit in the bottom then at 9pm says she's tired and going home. At this point I re-filled topped up my glass and admit defeat. Today I had a message from Cora 'Did you finish that bottle last night? Lol'. I haven't replied yet.

[whoopiedoo]

Have to admit I chuckled to myself at your post evening update.

I tend to think it's a case of your friend has changed over the years you kept loosely in contact and may have been a fun friend in her youth but her adult self is a much more highly strung individual. Maybe the ups and downs of life have worn down her fun side but she does sound incredibly hard work now. I reckon she's probably finding the move back home hard to deal with, successful people don't move back in with parents as adults it's usually the result of life taking a downward turn for a bit (been there done that!) I'm surprised she hasn't gone the other way and become a party animal. If you want to still do your bit to support her maybe suggest evenings that aren't as intense as having dinner where you really need to chat, maybe go and see a movie with a drink beforehand or afterwards, or an exercise class at the gym, that way you're still spending time with her but you don't have to talk for as long.

[Alconleigh]

She sounds like a joyless, graceless, socially awkward dementor. This is a no brainer, surely?

[Sparklesilverglitter]

How very odd!

Is her life so sad that she has to check on what you eat and drink? Ffs you are an adult and if you want the whole dame chocolate you'll eat it, it would annoy the hell out of me!

You could always post a pic of a glass of water and 1 lettuce leaf saying my dinner with a big

[gamerchick]

Your description of your night, the way she grills you on your food\drink intake and the moaning/playing with food screams food/calorie intake issues.

She has problems

[Lessthanaballpark]

Hmmmmm with all the alcohol references I'm wondering if it's a Fun Bobby scenario where she (possibly having given up alcohol herself) is monitoring your alcohol intake obsessively, little knowing that her grumpiness is making you drink more.

I would confront her about it and suggest that she is projecting. ..

[AyeAmarok]

Oh dear!

I have to say I did laugh at your update!

But I think I'd be backing off from her a bit now.

You tried!

[HeyNannyNanny]

I think you can block people on FB messenger so that they can't see that you are online but you remain friends IFSWIM?
You can also change your settings so that your posts are only visible to certain people. You could create a group with everyone in it but her (sounds a bit mean ) and set your posts to only be seen by that group. You'd remain friends so she wouldn't feel snubbed, she'd still see your profile but wouldn't have access to your food posts etc so couldn't bother you about it.

[Lordamighty]

Just phase her out gently, am in the process of doing the same with some friends of 30 years plus who have turned into a pair of judgemental twats. People change, time to move on.

[Cherryskypie]

She sounds like she has a problem with eating.

[GarlicMist]

Cora is an utter pain the arse and it was heroic of you to suffer through an evening out with her.

She's intrusive, critical, miserable and rude to restaurant staff. If this was a bloke, I'd be waving a massive red flag.

Dump. You've gone above & beyond the call of duty!

[northernshepherdess]

Complaining about the food quality gets her out of eating it.
Eating disorders are about control not weight in most cases.
At a guess, I'd say she is having a miserable time and feels out of control so is obsessing food or has ocd or aspergers type traits.
I'd guess though that in general she's feeling out of control. I'm betting that if you put the ball in her court, that she won't have a favorite veggie restaurant that's suitable to go to.
If you're going to struggle with the situation then I'd Def take steps to loosen the friendship

[GarlicMist]

YYY to all the posts guessing at her underlying problems. But annie isn't her therapist, is she? And Cora's certainly not a friend.

[RaeSkywalker]

Maybe back off for a bit and see if she comes to you? It's strange that she's turning up at your house etc, but doesn't seem to enjoy going out with you. I do wonder if she's suffering in some way.

[reup]

I think you should introduce her to the friend of a woman from a thread a few months ago. She had invited old school friend out with foodie colleagues but she made a fuss about everything.

Maybe they are the same person?

[TopazRocks]

It really depends if you get anything positive from the friendship. If so, you need to discuss with her the 'food obsession'. If not, yes, why not tell her to FO (politely of course).

[Lunde]

She sounds as though she has some sort of eating disorder

[SleepDeprivedAndCranky]

The fact that she keeps asking you about your drinking habits might be a sign that she thinks you have a drink problem. She sounds miserable so you are better off letting her get on with it and finding some new friends

[BedknobsandBullhooks]

Does she have any issues with weight or food?
If so, she may be trying to eat like you, someone she knows doesn't?

The passing the house/long phone calls would annoy me more.

Is it that she has nobody else back in her hometown?

Do you want to spend time with her aside from this?

[DinosaursRoar]

I was thinking eating disorder too. Why has she moved back to her old family home to a PT job? That smacks of her whole life not going well, noone in their mid-30s choses to give up her independent life and move back into their parents house unless something has gone wrong.

But whatever her issues are, it's not your job to fix her. I'd be backing off a fucking mile