AIBU to tell friend of 35 years to sod off?

[mammyannie]

Bit of history to start. Met my friend, I'll call her 'Cora', at pre-school nursery. Went through the whole education system with her, then she moved away, got married, divorced, no DC. I stayed local, had DS, became single parent, began new career ten years ago and am reasonably successful. Cora moved back to her parent's two years ago and found part-time work. We had kept in touch sporadically while she was away, mainly on Facebook, occasional phone calls. Now she is back and won't leave me alone! Constant messages on social media, always just happens to be passing my house as I get home from work, sees that I'm online and phones the landline to chat...for hours! All of this I could handle if she hadn't now turned into the food police. For example, tough day at work so I posted a pic of a large glass of wine and bar of chocolate. Get a private message asking if I intend to eat all of the chocolate and drink all of the wine? Yes I bloody well did! Went on a short break and had messages everyday asking what I'd eaten and drunk. The day I came home she was on the phone to ask if I was having a take-away that night! Oh, and just so you know, I don't have a weight problem or eating disorder... DS reckons I should tell her to sod off (he's a teenager and has no patience with Irritating people), but I don't know if I'm just being over-sensitive. Help me mums-netters...what would you do?

[Babylove2015]

Oops I meant thicko. Stupid autocorrect.

[Babylove2015]

If it was me I'd be saying I had some lettuce and a carrot stick. What are you having for dinner? What did you eat for lunch and breakfast? Did you have milk in your coffee? I hope it wasn't full milk that would be fatty. Start asking her what she has eaten. Unless she is a total thicknothing, surely she would get the hint.

[mammyannie]

Thank you all for your replies....I don't feel so bad now. I think it is a case of having grown apart over the years and we really don't have anything in common. Time to gradually loosen the ties. I think there's something on Facebook where you can put people in bugger off 'restricted' groups so they don't see everything. Might start with that. If anyone needs help with their calorie or alcohol intake I have her number

[BedknobsandBullhooks]

Sorry X post. She sounds like a pain in the arse!

[BillSykesDog]

I think she she sounds like a miserable bitter failure who enjoys dragging other people down to her level and trying to make them feel inadequate to make herself feel better.

I doubt she has an eating disorder, but I suspect she has created a virtue out of her healthy diet and actively enjoys criticising other people's because it makes her feel superior when she knows that in terms of other areas her achievements are very much lacking. I'd distance myself from her.

[AcrossthePond55]

I agree with Lunde, either an actual eating disorder or major 'issues' surrounding food and/or alcohol.

Up to you whether you want to taper off contact until there is none, continue 'as is' with NO more dining together, or if you want to confront the issue head on if she continues to comment about your eating/drinking habits ("Cora, I notice that you seem to be preoccupied with what I eat and/or drink. If we want to continue to be friends, that will have to stop").

I think an important thing to remember is that there is no law that says you have to answer your phone or your door. A simple "Oh, was that you? I was busy/reading/surfing the net so I didn't answer. I don't always answer the phone/door if I don't want to, you know" should suffice.

[DinosaursRoar]

I was thinking eating disorder too. Why has she moved back to her old family home to a PT job? That smacks of her whole life not going well, noone in their mid-30s choses to give up her independent life and move back into their parents house unless something has gone wrong.

But whatever her issues are, it's not your job to fix her. I'd be backing off a fucking mile

[BedknobsandBullhooks]

Does she have any issues with weight or food?
If so, she may be trying to eat like you, someone she knows doesn't?

The passing the house/long phone calls would annoy me more.

Is it that she has nobody else back in her hometown?

Do you want to spend time with her aside from this?

[SleepDeprivedAndCranky]

The fact that she keeps asking you about your drinking habits might be a sign that she thinks you have a drink problem. She sounds miserable so you are better off letting her get on with it and finding some new friends

[Lunde]

She sounds as though she has some sort of eating disorder

[TopazRocks]

It really depends if you get anything positive from the friendship. If so, you need to discuss with her the 'food obsession'. If not, yes, why not tell her to FO (politely of course).

[reup]

I think you should introduce her to the friend of a woman from a thread a few months ago. She had invited old school friend out with foodie colleagues but she made a fuss about everything.

Maybe they are the same person?

[RaeSkywalker]

Maybe back off for a bit and see if she comes to you? It's strange that she's turning up at your house etc, but doesn't seem to enjoy going out with you. I do wonder if she's suffering in some way.

[GarlicMist]

YYY to all the posts guessing at her underlying problems. But annie isn't her therapist, is she? And Cora's certainly not a friend.

[northernshepherdess]

Complaining about the food quality gets her out of eating it.
Eating disorders are about control not weight in most cases.
At a guess, I'd say she is having a miserable time and feels out of control so is obsessing food or has ocd or aspergers type traits.
I'd guess though that in general she's feeling out of control. I'm betting that if you put the ball in her court, that she won't have a favorite veggie restaurant that's suitable to go to.
If you're going to struggle with the situation then I'd Def take steps to loosen the friendship

[GarlicMist]

Cora is an utter pain the arse and it was heroic of you to suffer through an evening out with her.

She's intrusive, critical, miserable and rude to restaurant staff. If this was a bloke, I'd be waving a massive red flag.

Dump. You've gone above & beyond the call of duty!

[Cherryskypie]

She sounds like she has a problem with eating.

[Lordamighty]

Just phase her out gently, am in the process of doing the same with some friends of 30 years plus who have turned into a pair of judgemental twats. People change, time to move on.

[HeyNannyNanny]

I think you can block people on FB messenger so that they can't see that you are online but you remain friends IFSWIM?
You can also change your settings so that your posts are only visible to certain people. You could create a group with everyone in it but her (sounds a bit mean ) and set your posts to only be seen by that group. You'd remain friends so she wouldn't feel snubbed, she'd still see your profile but wouldn't have access to your food posts etc so couldn't bother you about it.

[AyeAmarok]

Oh dear!

I have to say I did laugh at your update!

But I think I'd be backing off from her a bit now.

You tried!

[Lessthanaballpark]

Hmmmmm with all the alcohol references I'm wondering if it's a Fun Bobby scenario where she (possibly having given up alcohol herself) is monitoring your alcohol intake obsessively, little knowing that her grumpiness is making you drink more.

I would confront her about it and suggest that she is projecting. ..

[gamerchick]

Your description of your night, the way she grills you on your food\drink intake and the moaning/playing with food screams food/calorie intake issues.

She has problems

[Sparklesilverglitter]

How very odd!

Is her life so sad that she has to check on what you eat and drink? Ffs you are an adult and if you want the whole dame chocolate you'll eat it, it would annoy the hell out of me!

You could always post a pic of a glass of water and 1 lettuce leaf saying my dinner with a big

[Alconleigh]

She sounds like a joyless, graceless, socially awkward dementor. This is a no brainer, surely?

[whoopiedoo]

Have to admit I chuckled to myself at your post evening update.

I tend to think it's a case of your friend has changed over the years you kept loosely in contact and may have been a fun friend in her youth but her adult self is a much more highly strung individual. Maybe the ups and downs of life have worn down her fun side but she does sound incredibly hard work now. I reckon she's probably finding the move back home hard to deal with, successful people don't move back in with parents as adults it's usually the result of life taking a downward turn for a bit (been there done that!) I'm surprised she hasn't gone the other way and become a party animal. If you want to still do your bit to support her maybe suggest evenings that aren't as intense as having dinner where you really need to chat, maybe go and see a movie with a drink beforehand or afterwards, or an exercise class at the gym, that way you're still spending time with her but you don't have to talk for as long.