To keep expensive present from ex friend

[Lucinda1989]

I'm trying to ask this without giving away too much identifying information. I had a close friend I've known 5 years. We met at work. When I got pregnant after years of infertility she bought me the best present I've ever been given. New it is worth £900 but she bought it ex display for around £700. She originally bought it for herself but got given the newer model so gave me the original unused. At the time we were both in temporary full-time employment.


Recently I decided to end contact as while I do think she's essentially not a bad person, she is just so gossipy and I found out (admittedly from someone jealous of her) that she had repeated very private information about me to others. I know this woman who told me is only trying to cause trouble but at the same time, my 'friend' is known as a gossip and can't keep much private. I used to have quite a difficult past but I am now a respected professional and I cannot have private details passed around for others pleasure. The woman she told she barely knew and still spoke about me. It's nothing personal, she gossips about everyone. She's not nasty, just likes to talk too much about others.

I politely informed her I was aware she had been gossiping about me and no longer wished to stay friends. She replied saying she hadn't mentioned those things but she understood if I felt that way.
We both know she said it as she's the only one who I told that particular information to.

I've arranged to meet her to collect some of my things from hers as I stayed over at hers last week. I've also got some of her stuff at mine to give her.


I am absolutely sure I don't want to stay friends. But my husband thinks if I really don't want to stay friends I should also give her back the present she gave me as it is still worth around £400 second hand.

I am happy to give it back if that's the right thing to do. But would it be petty and bad mannered to do so?

What would be the reasonable thing to do?

I have given her presents over the years but nothing worth more than £20. She is on income support at the moment.
She has good qualifications and is applying for jobs in her field at the moment and has several interviews lined up. But she is still on income support and a single Parent at the moment.

Would I be unreasonable to keep the present?

[leopardgecko]

A 5 year friendship over this? Op isn't even 100% sure it was her!Now is giving her all her stuff back is just nasty sad

I so agree. Is no one entitled to make a mistake? I've made mistakes, we all have, and it seems to me if this was the genuinely close friendship it was, then, as many others have said, maybe time to change the boundaries a little. But this "divorce" appears to cold and calm and unkind somehow, maybe especially as the friend's current circumstances are not so good. As I said previously, I feel a little sad for the ex friend whose POV, of course, we do not know

[Amandahugandkisses]

Can't you give her and the friendship another chance. It's seems really sad and maybe you just need time for things to calm down.

[goingtotown]

If your 'friend' was known to be a gossip, why did you tell her private information about yourself? Maybe she didn't realise how important it was to you. Did you tell her to never repeat your secret.

[wowfudge]

By all means return each other's belongings, but I wouldn't return her gifts. If you subsequently hear she is saying bad things about you, then you go round and dump whatever it is on her doorstep.

[Lucinda1989]

Unfortunately I didn't realise what she was like until after I'd confided in her. She has a warm, friendly personality so at first you really open up to her.

But then she repeats things about her other friends so I kind of knew she also did the same to me.

To be honest I'd been a bit unsure of her for a while. I felt we had grown very different. I guess his was the final nail in the coffin for me really.

The reason I was so calm is because I don't actually do drama. I don't get angry. I just decided there and then I was done.
Life is too short to have bad company around you.

[Cluesue]

So you currently have 2 threads on the go,this one where you mention your husband and one where you're a struggling single mum.

Reporting

[Lucinda1989]

I've explained that my husband and I are separated in my other thread. You should read before making assumptions.

[leopardgecko]

The reason I was so calm is because I don't actually do drama. I don't get angry. I just decided there and then I was done.Life is too short to have bad company around you.

Is there no emotion in the end of this friendship for you? These are just words on a screeen of course, but it comes across as very emotionless. Though I may be very wrong.

I hope the other people in your life are good company around you.

[FairyAccess]

Two contentious dilemmas in one evening....

She might be hurt by you giving it back?

What, more hurt than you're cutting your friendship off full stop?

In cases like this the only moral thing to do is return the present.

[Arseicle]

You gave personal information to someone you know to be a gossip. What did you expect?

[leopardgecko]

Just read your other thread, OP. I understand your decision better now. If you do not wish to spend every weekend with your little boy, I guess friendships must be very far down your list of proirities. You are most unlike the SW I have worked with for the past 20 years.

But I wish you well. I wish your ex friend and your son well too.

[Amandahugandkisses]

Cluesue is correct though. You say you are separated on the other thread and married on this one.

[allsfairinlove]

Gosh. I've also just read your other thread. It's very confusing.

[Xmasbaby11]

I think you're overreacting and should give her another chance.

If the friendship is over, no, it wouldn't occur to me to return a gift, whatever the value. A gift is one way - unless it's an indication of a promise eg engagement ring.

[SandyY2K]

It was a gift so keep it.
It's very silly and childish returning gifts.

[e1y1]

If it were such personal information, why did you tell her? Did she need to know it? I don't "confide" in anyone, any information that could do this much damage, should not be shared at all. As I couldn't imagine why anyone else would need to know it.

[CoolToned]

What's the gift?

Curious!

[CoolToned]

Oops that was supposed to be a PM! lol. How do I send a PM?

[aurynne]

I am very confused so many of you believe gifts should be returned if a friendship ends. It is a gift! Unless you are deliberately trying to inflict more pain on the person I cannot understand it.

Gifts are not given under conditions.

[differentnameforthis]

Doesn't sound you care about her, so don't know why you're asking us. Do what you want. I doubt you could hurt her any more than you are.

Wow, that's harsh considering the "friend" broke a confidence!!

[differentnameforthis]

I don't see why you are cutting contact ,surely all you need to do is just not discuss anything with her that you wouldn't want spread about , going NC seems a massive over reaction Seriously? You wouldn't mind if a "friend" was telling someone private stuff about you? The thing is, if op carries on the friendship, it is like she is saying that she doesn't mind that this woman uses her private info as gossip fodder.

And don't be too sure it was her who revealed the info. OP said she only told this woman though...

No op, your standards are not too high! You are entitled to finish this relationship if you feel the trust is gone.

Op, meet with her and test the lie of the land. If she mentions it, hinting that she would like it back, happily give it back. If she doesn't mention it, you don't mention it. If she needs it, she will ask.

I can't believe op is being accused of being a drama llama, she hasn't been dramatic at all, quite the opposite!

Life is too short to have bad company around you. I hear you op! Good for you for knowing exactly who you want in your life.

[Atenco]

I'm afraid I am a bit indescrete, too. I need people to spell out to me that I should not mention something and then I will indeed keep quiet, but otherwise I am an open book.

I think your wish to return the present is coming from a good place OP and if you do decide to return it, spell that out for her. You no longer want to be friends, but you also want her to be well and happy and feel that it is unfair to keep such a generous present when you know she could get good money for it.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Don't return gifts. I think that's the height of pettiness, unless she asks for it just return anything you've borrowed from her or she's accidentally left at yours. But keep all gifts, they are yours. It will only create bad feelings if you start handing back presents to eachother.

[CafeCremeEtCroissant]

I didn't reply on your other thread, but I really think you need to go back to your GP, you need to explain to them that you still have PND & you need help. Your issues sound like more than PND to me, perhaphs something that you've always needed help with but never got. I don't really like to speculate, but if it were me I'd ask about things like being tested for autism.

As for the gift, I think it would depend on whether it upset me to see it/use it. I'd just go on how I felt. There's no universal right or wrong.

[P1nkP0ppy]

You're handing her plenty of ammo to gossip about op, especially as you don't even know for certain it was her.
I can understand you want to distance yourself from her but I personally wouldn't have shared such information with her in the first place.