To keep expensive present from ex friend

[Lucinda1989]

I'm trying to ask this without giving away too much identifying information. I had a close friend I've known 5 years. We met at work. When I got pregnant after years of infertility she bought me the best present I've ever been given. New it is worth £900 but she bought it ex display for around £700. She originally bought it for herself but got given the newer model so gave me the original unused. At the time we were both in temporary full-time employment.


Recently I decided to end contact as while I do think she's essentially not a bad person, she is just so gossipy and I found out (admittedly from someone jealous of her) that she had repeated very private information about me to others. I know this woman who told me is only trying to cause trouble but at the same time, my 'friend' is known as a gossip and can't keep much private. I used to have quite a difficult past but I am now a respected professional and I cannot have private details passed around for others pleasure. The woman she told she barely knew and still spoke about me. It's nothing personal, she gossips about everyone. She's not nasty, just likes to talk too much about others.

I politely informed her I was aware she had been gossiping about me and no longer wished to stay friends. She replied saying she hadn't mentioned those things but she understood if I felt that way.
We both know she said it as she's the only one who I told that particular information to.

I've arranged to meet her to collect some of my things from hers as I stayed over at hers last week. I've also got some of her stuff at mine to give her.


I am absolutely sure I don't want to stay friends. But my husband thinks if I really don't want to stay friends I should also give her back the present she gave me as it is still worth around £400 second hand.

I am happy to give it back if that's the right thing to do. But would it be petty and bad mannered to do so?

What would be the reasonable thing to do?

I have given her presents over the years but nothing worth more than £20. She is on income support at the moment.
She has good qualifications and is applying for jobs in her field at the moment and has several interviews lined up. But she is still on income support and a single Parent at the moment.

Would I be unreasonable to keep the present?

[3luckystars]

It's a bit final if you give it back.

[Trifleorbust]

Give it back and explain that you really appreciated the use of the gift, but you would feel uncomfortable keeping such an expensive item now that you are no longer friends.

[throwingpebbles]

Can't you be friends but just cut out telling her any private stuff? I have friends who gossip and this is my way of handling it.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

I personally think, when you go round there, to collect your stuff, you could have a chat with her. Tell her that you were very disappointed, that she felt the need to gossip about you, however, you also acknowledge her generosity, and know that at present, she's possibly not in the best position financially. Having said that, tell her, whilst you very much appreciate her gift, you would be happy to return it, should it benefit her.
I think it's the right thing to do OP.

[LetsJunglyJumpToIt]

Surely if it was a gift you should keep it?

[loopylulu80]

If she didn't go out her way to buy it for you and just gave it to you because she got another and didn't need it then I would say don't give it back unless she actually asks for it. If sh d given it to you in the last few months then yes give it back but it sounds like it's been a year or two.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I also think this is a massive overreaction. I think a sit down and a chat with regard to boundaries and pulling back would be more appropriate. And a gift is a gift. Therefore it needn't be returned.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

I think you are being a bit melodramatic OP. A stern chat about boundaries and not being so pally with her and not sharing as much private information sure. However, if you are determined to go through with this formal termination of friendship then yes give it back, you can't cherry pick items if you are giving her others back. Especially if she could probably do with the money now she would get from selling it. The whole event looks petty and bad mannered tbh.

[DeathStare]

I'm sorry but I'm another one who thinks you are being a drama lama.

Most of us have a friend who is a bit of a gossip. If it isn't malicious then the fact they are a bit of a gossip isn't a very nice reason to end a long standing friendship. Just be careful what you tell them.

Personally I think you should forget about the present and just apologise for over-reacting. A good friendship is worth more than this.

[george1020]

OP you seem to be a bit of a drama queen TBH! All this telling her the friendship is over and meeting at a mutually decided public place to exchange belongings is a bit ott!

But I think morally you may have to give the 'thing' back as it is such a large amount of money. If it was a small gift then it might be a bit different.
It also makes a difference if you are giving her other gifts back as it would look a bit mercenary if you gave back other things but kept the flashy expensive gift iyswim

[Lucinda1989]

Maybe my standards of friends are too high. But I wouldn't want to be friends with someone that would repeat personal information about me to anyone they meet.

I value confidentiality and trust in friends. I don't want her around me unfortunately.

I would feel very guilty keeping the present knowing she is poorer than me now and could definetly do with the money.

But I also would feel guilty giving it back. She might be very hurt by that and feel I was being petty.

I will ask her if she wants it back. Although I know she will say no.

[Lucinda1989]

This was extremely personal information.
It's more than gossipy really.
To repeat such information was appalling and she knows that too.

[Lucinda1989]

I could just lessen contact but then she would still contact me and I'd rather be honest and upfront than wait for her to 'get the message'.

[Lucinda1989]

I've already ended the friendship anyway. So too late for anything else.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

She might be hurt by you giving it back?

What, more hurt than you're cutting your friendship off full stop?

Doesn't sound you care about her, so don't know why you're asking us. Do what you want. I doubt you could hurt her any more than you are.

[Mycatsabastard]

Why is the op being a drama queen?

I have been in the op's position where someone I trusted implicitly thought any information I had shared was fair game to share with the world and his dog. People like that thrive on drama and being the centre of all the gossip. I don't need people like that in my life and neither, clearly, does the op.

I'd give it back. I'd give everything back and walk away, head held high.

I will never be friends with a gossip again. The amount of information I heard about myself third hand, half of it wrong, most of it nasty and untrue was really not nice.

Gossip = two faced bitch 9/10

[biggles50]

I'm also thinking along the same lines as some of the others. Could you be being too hasty? You say you've been friends for five years and she's not bad just gossipy. Have you given her a chance to explain herself? Instead of texting could you meet up? She may not have said anything and nosey cow may have extracted information from her. Nosey cow sounds devious. Regarding present I think that offering it back may well result in her feeling even more hurt. It must have been awful finding out she had gossiped but friends are worth a second chance and the opportunity to explain themselves. Hope it works out for you.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Don't tell anyone you're business then you won't go wrong. Why did you tell her prtsonal information when you know what she is like?

[bumsexatthebingo]

If you feel betrayed then obviously you won't be as close any more. But I agree that the whole 'I'm not your fwend anymore' is very childish and unnecessary.

[WizzardHat]

OP I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who would repeat such sensitive information about me either - why is it on the OP to be a good friend and not the gossip?

Maybe take the thing along and ask if she'd like it back. If it's a laptop or something though, wipe it first. I'm guessing a macbook for the price and description - google instructions if you need to.

[leopardgecko]

Am I the only one feeling a bit sad for the OP's ex friend?

[IAmTheWhoreOfBabylon]

I think you should keep it and not worry
Could you have a more emotionally distant friendship where you don't share info?

[WhateverWillBe]

I politely informed her I was aware she had been gossiping about me and no longer wished to stay friends

I find this really odd behaviour for such good friends.

I have one best friend who i've known for 11 years. My closest secrets I would only tell to dh or her.

If I found out she'd gossiped about something really personal the first thing i'd do would be to phone her and tell her sweetly to come to my house,. Then i'd probably lose my shit and ask her what in the holy mother of fuck she thought she was doing and wait for her to explain herself. Much the same as I would with dh actually.

I wouldn't calmly inform her that I don't want to be friends...that's something i'd do with an acquaintance about whose friendship I wasn't that bothered anyway tbh.

[kali110]

leopardgecko no me too.
A 5 year friendship over this?
Op isn't even 100% sure it was her!
Now is giving her all her stuff back is just nasty

[Enidblyton1]

This is such a playground drama!
So your friend might have told others some personal info about you? Or she might not have...
I wouldn't offer the gift back just yet as it sounds like you'll probably be friends again next week!