Partner's sister and her troop have invited themselves to our 1st Christmas!

[MJ05]

First things first, I'm in a same-sex female relationship just incase the excessive use of female pronouns confuse people! Also, sorry for the long post - it's a bit of a rant!

My partner (DG) and I have recently had an offer accepted on a house and are planning on moving in around the beginning of November. I'm currently living with my parents while DG is renting a place half hour away. DG's family live 4 hours away and DG had told me that whether we had acquired a house by Christmas or not that she would be spending Christmas in our county and not going to stay with her family. Therefore, I'd made plans for us both to spend Christmas with my parents (as they live local). DG was happy with and had agreed to all of this. As it turns out, we have managed to buy a house (in the same county) and will be moving in before Christmas. We will be waiting until the January sales to buy things like spare beds, a dining table, decent sofas, fully working oven etc. and so I had told my parents that we would still like to come to them for Christmas dinner due to the disarray that our own house is likely to be in. My parents agreed that this was completely fine (plus I am an only child and so it saves them eating alone).

However, today DG has told me that her sister has asked if she, her husband, 5 year old daughter & large dog can spend Christmas with us at our new home this year (she wasn't asked, she's inviting herself). Apparently DG's sister had asked their mother but she's working and her husband's family already have plans (so basically we are a 3rd resort!). DG told her sister that she would need to check with my parents as we were planning on having Christmas dinner at theirs. Why does DG think it would just be fine for my parents to host another 3 guests (when we are only 4 people to begin with) and a dog? I'm sure my parents wouldn't say no, but I know it would be added pressure; they only have a 6 seater table and me nor my parents are 'animal' people (we have never had pets) and I can't see them being happy with having a dog in their home. DG has suggested that we host the dinner in our new home instead. But I also don't want a dog in our home, especially since its new. I've also explained that its unlikely that we will have plentiful furniture by then but DG has said that her sister and family will be happy to sleep on airbeds. They are planning to come down on Christmas Eve (even though DG has work until 6pm and I'd therefore made plans to spend the daytime with family and friends rather than spend it alone) and then leave on Boxing Day.

Am I being unreasonable by not wanting her sister and her troop to come? Why doesn't her sister realise that she would be intruding on our 1st Christmas together? Plus we will have only moved in a few weeks before! I was looking forward to waking up in our new home and having a quiet dinner with my parents. Also, what kind of parents are happy to get their 5 year old to travel for 3 hours on Christmas Eve, sleep on an airbed on the floor, and wake up in an unfamiliar house (that will probably not have a Christmas tree and decorations due to budget!) on Christmas Day to open her presents? Plus it would mean DG's sister packing all their daughters presents into the car, and then after opening them, repacking them all on Christmas Night ready to leave the next morning?!

I don't want to offend DG's sister, but I also don't think we should be changing our plans just because she's invited herself, especially when we were her 3rd choice!

Any advice would help. I've been stressed enough lately with the whole house buying process, working out our financials etc and this is just adding on top of me. I've asked DG if we can promise them next Chrismtas instead (since we at least would have been living there for more than a few weeks by then!) but DG doesn't seem stressed at all, she says she can't tell her sister no, and keeps saying "it'll all be fine, we'll work something out." I want to SCREAM hahaha. Again, sorry for the long post!

[SpaceDinosaur]

Why can't you speak frankly with your DG?

[Eviecat83]

I think you just need to say, "I'm really sorry- it would have been lovely to spend Xmas with you but we've already made plans to spend it with my parents. Let's arrange a get together for Boxing Day/new year/whenever instead..."

[sandragreen]

Have you told DG how this makes you feel? I would feel exactly the same but I am pretty assertive and would just have said, "No, I don't want to do that." and you know, had a conversation.......

If DG really wants to spend Christmas with her sister then she can obviously. You aren't the boss of her. And it will be your house together so I guess she can invite them to stay. However, these are usually decisions that are made jointly, in consultation, and with due regard for each others feelings.

If DG doesn't even know you are upset then it really isn't her fault. If she won't uninvite her sister I would tell her that I would still be spending Christmas with my parents. I would probably start rethinking the power balance in the relationship too.

I hope you get it sorted out

[blowmybarnacles]

Sounds like her sister doesn't want to 'DO' Christmas and will happily
piggy back on somebody else's. Which is pretty miserable for her five year old daughter.

[trafalgargal]

I'd be tempted to say .......we can't be 100% sure we'll be in for Christmas so let's spend this Christmas with your sis and we can return the favour next year. If sister in law then comes out with a stream of excuses just say no problem maybe we can get together next year ........and not mention what your supposed plan B is.

[HanYOLO]

I think you are being a misery and should embrace it, tbh
You have a partner now and your family has thus expanded
Tell them to arrive after 6pm xmas eve, that you will have no beds, and you may well be eating off a trestle table. Work out the arrangements for the dog (can be limited to one room/outside). Enjoy having a little kid around. Enjoy your DG having her family around. It will be cool, lighten up and get on with it.

[Fingermoose]

I do agree with the majority of PP about the communication issue, but if it's your first Christmas and so special, why are your family allowed to be with you and DG's not with her?

[SatansLittleHelper2]

Let them know they cant come for Christmas but suggest Easter weekend or something ??

[Willow2016]

HanYolo
But they have already made plans why change them? Her sis sounds like she just does not want the hassle of Xmas herself but happy for others to provide it for her. After all they are the third people she has invited herself to for Xmas and got rejected twice, I wonder why?

[magoria]

As you have only had an offer accepted, assuming you have not exchanged, this is a good time to stop and think before things go any further.

Your DG is showing you now that your plans, your family etc are unimportant. She is happy to let you be upset so that she doesn't upset family who she is 3rd choice for.

You are not her priority.

You need to have a sit down, full and frank discussion with your DG about this being both of your houses, about her crapping all over your plans and not caring about your happiness.

If you don't get a suitable resolution I would pull out of the house buying before it goes any further and you are trapped massively with DG.

[Notso]

Seeing as you don't want to leave your parents on their own you can't really say DG has to agree to leave her sister out either.

[BackforGood]

btw, my answer (and, I presume, all the other answers) are presuming that you and DG discussed and agreed the plan for you to go to your parents, and that it's not just that you have assumed you'll go to your parents without having any sort of proper discussion in the first place.

[HanYOLO]

I read it that OP has decided what she wants to do and not bothered to consider what DG wants.

They just need to talk to each other. And accept that as a new household unit they may each now need to compromise on how Christmasses are.

Its more than 100 days till Christmas. Plans can still be changed.

[diddl]

If Op & her partner were having Christmas in their own house & partner wanted to include her sister then that would be one thing.

But wanting to include them in someone elses invitation is rude imo.

Op, I sort of see your reasons for going to your parents-although they wouldn't be alone as they have each other, but wouldn't you have liked this first Christmas in your own place with your partner?

[witsender]

I would book a meal out somewhere and camp in your new house. Sounds fun!

And to "what kind of parents make a 5 yr old travel" etc. Half the.bloody country I would suspect...

[diddl]

"Why doesn't her sister realise that she would be intruding on our 1st Christmas together? "

But you are spending it with your parents, so what would it matter if there were others as well?

(Not that it's up to your partner to invite others to your parents, of course)

You could always sort your house out & have everyone to you, or of course your partner could tell her sister that you have plans & she'll have to do Christmas herself

[Pineappletastic]

Ah OP, welcome to the committed relationship family xmas juggle. You're lucky you're an only child, otherwise you have to try and do this dance with your siblings and their partners and their partners parents and it gets insane.

I'd either say no on the grounds that you don't actually have a house yet, or just ask your parents if they mind an extra three and a dog, if they say they'd rather not (honestly 6 adults and a child around a 6 seater table is a pretty laid back xmas by most standards, MIL has had 12 around an 8 seater and 3 dogs), then there's your answer, but you need to speak to your DP about how you both see your xmases going forward because this issue will be a yearly one and you need a united front.

This year is my family's year, so we'll be driving 3 hours with a dog, and a 3 month old baby, staying with my DPs in their retirement bungalow, and having dinner with my DB and his GF, who are also hosting her DSis from Australia, and will somehow need to fit 8/9 adults (and accommodate a baby and a dog in addition to their cat), around a table they don't have yet, in a 2 bed house they've just moved into, and I think it's the first time they've ever hosted an xmas for anyone, but they offered, so we'll all pitch in and make it work!

Oh, and don't be afraid to be the bitch that says 'right, what are we doing next time' in January. Someone's got to take control!

[Rubies12345]

Hmm are you sure it's not DG that invited them? Maybe she felt uncomfortable going to your parents and this would be an excuse not to go

[MatildaTheCat]

You like the idea of a quiet and civilised Christmas, spending time alone with GF and an adult lunch with your parents. Your GF wants a jolly family Christmas, all squashed up, making do on camp beds and all the fun that goes with children and pets.

So you want different things and this will crop up over and over again. All festive occasions, holidays and group gatherings. It's a fundamental difference which you need to discuss now before you buy a house together.

I wouldn't much want guests when I had only just moved and inviting them to your parents is quite unusual but really does highlight just how different you are from each other.

[Whereismumhiding2]

OP YANBU
You already have plans for Xmas this year at your DM's house and will only have just moved in to your new home. You don't need the extra stress of hosting for others at Xmas, espec a dog and child that will come! Eeek! (I have DC and they go BIG on Xmas expectations ! No one needs that pressure having just moved into a new house, unless they are your own kids!)

"What a lovely idea to do next year when we can host Xmas at our house.. But we can't do this year & already have plans" would be my reply

There's always NYE if DG wants her family to visit this first one... How about that compromise?

[TheBouquets]

Whether it was DG Dsis who has pushed her and family and dog into the invite to OP's DP's house or the DG has said tag on we are going to OP's DP's house, they both seem to be a bit lacking in manners. It is not acceptable to invite yourself anywhere.
Even if OP's DPs are the type who would accept any number of people coming to their house or even if they are not, it is not the DG's or the DG Dsis's places to say who goes to OP's DP's house. Even the OP should ask her DPs before inviting people to the DP's house.
I would be thinking this over a lot more before I completed the house purchase. I would ask OP to think it over very carefully if she or DG has put more or equal money into the purchase of a property. I am worried in case OP is being railroaded by the DG and/or the DG Dsis and this would not be a good relationship to be in.
Make your position clear, I would never invite the DG Dsis simply because she had already attempted to invite herself.

[Whereismumhiding2]

That's assuming OP that DG had genuinely agreed to your plan of spending this Xmas at your DM & DDads? As you both thought it best...(?)

[butterfliesandzebras]

DG had told me that whether we had acquired a house by Christmas or not that she would be spending Christmas in our county and not going to stay with her family. Therefore, I'd made plans for us both to spend Christmas with my parents

This doesn't sound like DG had much involvement in the decision to make a plan with your parents.

Sounds like both of you have been doing a lot of assuming about what each other will be happy with without actually talking it through. Different families can have very different expectations for Christmas, and you need to both sit down and talk about each of yours. Neither of you is 'wrong'.

[maras2]

I can't imagine anything so unreasonable.Just say NO.

[PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon]

Your DG sounds like she would also like to spend Christmas with her family.
I think yabu on the intruding on your first Christmas together comment as you're spending it with your family and not alone.
Christmas is 4months away. Can something not be arranged to make everyone happy?