Partner's sister and her troop have invited themselves to our 1st Christmas!

[MJ05]

First things first, I'm in a same-sex female relationship just incase the excessive use of female pronouns confuse people! Also, sorry for the long post - it's a bit of a rant!

My partner (DG) and I have recently had an offer accepted on a house and are planning on moving in around the beginning of November. I'm currently living with my parents while DG is renting a place half hour away. DG's family live 4 hours away and DG had told me that whether we had acquired a house by Christmas or not that she would be spending Christmas in our county and not going to stay with her family. Therefore, I'd made plans for us both to spend Christmas with my parents (as they live local). DG was happy with and had agreed to all of this. As it turns out, we have managed to buy a house (in the same county) and will be moving in before Christmas. We will be waiting until the January sales to buy things like spare beds, a dining table, decent sofas, fully working oven etc. and so I had told my parents that we would still like to come to them for Christmas dinner due to the disarray that our own house is likely to be in. My parents agreed that this was completely fine (plus I am an only child and so it saves them eating alone).

However, today DG has told me that her sister has asked if she, her husband, 5 year old daughter & large dog can spend Christmas with us at our new home this year (she wasn't asked, she's inviting herself). Apparently DG's sister had asked their mother but she's working and her husband's family already have plans (so basically we are a 3rd resort!). DG told her sister that she would need to check with my parents as we were planning on having Christmas dinner at theirs. Why does DG think it would just be fine for my parents to host another 3 guests (when we are only 4 people to begin with) and a dog? I'm sure my parents wouldn't say no, but I know it would be added pressure; they only have a 6 seater table and me nor my parents are 'animal' people (we have never had pets) and I can't see them being happy with having a dog in their home. DG has suggested that we host the dinner in our new home instead. But I also don't want a dog in our home, especially since its new. I've also explained that its unlikely that we will have plentiful furniture by then but DG has said that her sister and family will be happy to sleep on airbeds. They are planning to come down on Christmas Eve (even though DG has work until 6pm and I'd therefore made plans to spend the daytime with family and friends rather than spend it alone) and then leave on Boxing Day.

Am I being unreasonable by not wanting her sister and her troop to come? Why doesn't her sister realise that she would be intruding on our 1st Christmas together? Plus we will have only moved in a few weeks before! I was looking forward to waking up in our new home and having a quiet dinner with my parents. Also, what kind of parents are happy to get their 5 year old to travel for 3 hours on Christmas Eve, sleep on an airbed on the floor, and wake up in an unfamiliar house (that will probably not have a Christmas tree and decorations due to budget!) on Christmas Day to open her presents? Plus it would mean DG's sister packing all their daughters presents into the car, and then after opening them, repacking them all on Christmas Night ready to leave the next morning?!

I don't want to offend DG's sister, but I also don't think we should be changing our plans just because she's invited herself, especially when we were her 3rd choice!

Any advice would help. I've been stressed enough lately with the whole house buying process, working out our financials etc and this is just adding on top of me. I've asked DG if we can promise them next Chrismtas instead (since we at least would have been living there for more than a few weeks by then!) but DG doesn't seem stressed at all, she says she can't tell her sister no, and keeps saying "it'll all be fine, we'll work something out." I want to SCREAM hahaha. Again, sorry for the long post!

[Crazycatlady123]

YANBU. Having moved into a new home last December, I totally understand. Took us weeks and weeks to get settled, not many people would find themselves ready to host a whole troop on Christmas Day, plus a dog. We certainly weren't.

Christmas is always a difficult one, especially spending it away from your own family. We'd all rather be with are own mum and dad so I sense that adds to your frustration.

Hope you get it sorted quickly.

[Memoires]

DG's sis clearly can't just invite themselves to op's parents' for Xmas, so op and dg can go there as planned, and the sister and her family can have Xmas lunch at a hotel in the area. I bet there's a good one.

This will give op and dg a break.

Dog still can't come.

[Memoires]

OK, put your foot down about the dog. You don't want a dog in your new house, and your parents won't want one in theirs so the dog doesn't come. There's time to find kennels or other family to take it while they're away.

Next, think about how you're going to be spending Xmas long term. Are your ILs expecting to spend every Xmas with you, either up there end of the world or down at your end, in other words, do they expect both families to get together? I don't see why your parents should be expected to host for some people they've never met before just because your not-quite-sil doesn't want to be alone with her dh and child.

we moved into our house a few days before Xmas, and yes, I did Xmas lunch for 8, had Xmas tree, presents wrapped etc. But, the 5 extra people were close family whom we'd spent every Xmas with for over 10 years, I'd ordered the tree and turkey when we'd come down 6 weeks before to check a few measurements, and had kept all kitchen stuff I knew I'd need in a separate box which went straight into the car and barely left my side until we'd arrived here. We didn't have chairs or beds for everyone, but we're all campers so that was OK. I wouldn't recommend doing it under other circumstances.

How well do you know dg's family? Do you know the sister, husband, child?

[witsender]

Her family are intruding but yours aren't?

[Caken]

YANBU. I'm not a very sociable person (not saying you're not!) and wouldn't be happy with people inviting themselves to stay. That sort of thing makes me anxious. I think I might be Bilbo Baggins...

[WhatsMyNameNow]

Ok, how about letting the DSis come as it really does sound like your DG would like them to come. You can forget about worrying about the bed/presents/traveling/decorations issues as they really don't concern you.
Then on xmas day you could scoot off to your parents for a few hours then your DG could join you for lunch. After lunch your DG could nip off when she wanted to join her family and you could join her for nibbles/supper with her family. You will have a lifetime together, being apart for a few hours over xmas really doesn't matter.

[GoldFishFingerz]

From their perspective (adult and child) it could be quite fun. However you're clearly not able to cope with this at the moment and that's fine

[diddl]

"Therefore, I'd made plans for us both to spend Christmas with my parents"

After asking her?

If not, I'm not sure how her decideing not to travel to her family (so that she would be with you?) equates to going to your parents.

[TheBouquets]

PeppaPig is right in that it is months till Christmas and OP and DG have lots of decisions to make on all the house stuff before Christmas.
It is awful the way Christmas causes so many pieces of strife over who is going to which house/family/relative when the Christmas message is all about peace and goodwill to all.

[PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon]

Your DG sounds like she would also like to spend Christmas with her family.
I think yabu on the intruding on your first Christmas together comment as you're spending it with your family and not alone.
Christmas is 4months away. Can something not be arranged to make everyone happy?

[maras2]

I can't imagine anything so unreasonable.Just say NO.

[butterfliesandzebras]

DG had told me that whether we had acquired a house by Christmas or not that she would be spending Christmas in our county and not going to stay with her family. Therefore, I'd made plans for us both to spend Christmas with my parents

This doesn't sound like DG had much involvement in the decision to make a plan with your parents.

Sounds like both of you have been doing a lot of assuming about what each other will be happy with without actually talking it through. Different families can have very different expectations for Christmas, and you need to both sit down and talk about each of yours. Neither of you is 'wrong'.

[Whereismumhiding2]

That's assuming OP that DG had genuinely agreed to your plan of spending this Xmas at your DM & DDads? As you both thought it best...(?)

[TheBouquets]

Whether it was DG Dsis who has pushed her and family and dog into the invite to OP's DP's house or the DG has said tag on we are going to OP's DP's house, they both seem to be a bit lacking in manners. It is not acceptable to invite yourself anywhere.
Even if OP's DPs are the type who would accept any number of people coming to their house or even if they are not, it is not the DG's or the DG Dsis's places to say who goes to OP's DP's house. Even the OP should ask her DPs before inviting people to the DP's house.
I would be thinking this over a lot more before I completed the house purchase. I would ask OP to think it over very carefully if she or DG has put more or equal money into the purchase of a property. I am worried in case OP is being railroaded by the DG and/or the DG Dsis and this would not be a good relationship to be in.
Make your position clear, I would never invite the DG Dsis simply because she had already attempted to invite herself.

[Whereismumhiding2]

OP YANBU
You already have plans for Xmas this year at your DM's house and will only have just moved in to your new home. You don't need the extra stress of hosting for others at Xmas, espec a dog and child that will come! Eeek! (I have DC and they go BIG on Xmas expectations ! No one needs that pressure having just moved into a new house, unless they are your own kids!)

"What a lovely idea to do next year when we can host Xmas at our house.. But we can't do this year & already have plans" would be my reply

There's always NYE if DG wants her family to visit this first one... How about that compromise?

[MatildaTheCat]

You like the idea of a quiet and civilised Christmas, spending time alone with GF and an adult lunch with your parents. Your GF wants a jolly family Christmas, all squashed up, making do on camp beds and all the fun that goes with children and pets.

So you want different things and this will crop up over and over again. All festive occasions, holidays and group gatherings. It's a fundamental difference which you need to discuss now before you buy a house together.

I wouldn't much want guests when I had only just moved and inviting them to your parents is quite unusual but really does highlight just how different you are from each other.

[Rubies12345]

Hmm are you sure it's not DG that invited them? Maybe she felt uncomfortable going to your parents and this would be an excuse not to go

[Pineappletastic]

Ah OP, welcome to the committed relationship family xmas juggle. You're lucky you're an only child, otherwise you have to try and do this dance with your siblings and their partners and their partners parents and it gets insane.

I'd either say no on the grounds that you don't actually have a house yet, or just ask your parents if they mind an extra three and a dog, if they say they'd rather not (honestly 6 adults and a child around a 6 seater table is a pretty laid back xmas by most standards, MIL has had 12 around an 8 seater and 3 dogs), then there's your answer, but you need to speak to your DP about how you both see your xmases going forward because this issue will be a yearly one and you need a united front.

This year is my family's year, so we'll be driving 3 hours with a dog, and a 3 month old baby, staying with my DPs in their retirement bungalow, and having dinner with my DB and his GF, who are also hosting her DSis from Australia, and will somehow need to fit 8/9 adults (and accommodate a baby and a dog in addition to their cat), around a table they don't have yet, in a 2 bed house they've just moved into, and I think it's the first time they've ever hosted an xmas for anyone, but they offered, so we'll all pitch in and make it work!

Oh, and don't be afraid to be the bitch that says 'right, what are we doing next time' in January. Someone's got to take control!

[diddl]

"Why doesn't her sister realise that she would be intruding on our 1st Christmas together? "

But you are spending it with your parents, so what would it matter if there were others as well?

(Not that it's up to your partner to invite others to your parents, of course)

You could always sort your house out & have everyone to you, or of course your partner could tell her sister that you have plans & she'll have to do Christmas herself

[witsender]

I would book a meal out somewhere and camp in your new house. Sounds fun!

And to "what kind of parents make a 5 yr old travel" etc. Half the.bloody country I would suspect...

[diddl]

If Op & her partner were having Christmas in their own house & partner wanted to include her sister then that would be one thing.

But wanting to include them in someone elses invitation is rude imo.

Op, I sort of see your reasons for going to your parents-although they wouldn't be alone as they have each other, but wouldn't you have liked this first Christmas in your own place with your partner?

[HanYOLO]

I read it that OP has decided what she wants to do and not bothered to consider what DG wants.

They just need to talk to each other. And accept that as a new household unit they may each now need to compromise on how Christmasses are.

Its more than 100 days till Christmas. Plans can still be changed.

[BackforGood]

btw, my answer (and, I presume, all the other answers) are presuming that you and DG discussed and agreed the plan for you to go to your parents, and that it's not just that you have assumed you'll go to your parents without having any sort of proper discussion in the first place.

[Notso]

Seeing as you don't want to leave your parents on their own you can't really say DG has to agree to leave her sister out either.

[magoria]

As you have only had an offer accepted, assuming you have not exchanged, this is a good time to stop and think before things go any further.

Your DG is showing you now that your plans, your family etc are unimportant. She is happy to let you be upset so that she doesn't upset family who she is 3rd choice for.

You are not her priority.

You need to have a sit down, full and frank discussion with your DG about this being both of your houses, about her crapping all over your plans and not caring about your happiness.

If you don't get a suitable resolution I would pull out of the house buying before it goes any further and you are trapped massively with DG.