AIBU to think my partner is being really unreasonable?

[user1473095445]

Short version: Is it reasonable, ever, for my partner (mother of our kids) to habitually say nasty things about me in arguments in front of the kids, like "you are a despicable person", "go and be miserable with someone else", and also to encourage/involve said kids in seeing me that way?

Long version:
Hello, this is my first post. I'm a father of two (daughter 5, son 2) and I was hoping to get some perspective on something that really troubles me in an otherwise good partnership. My partner is a wonderful mum, dedicated, savvy and very much admired by me for all she does for her kids and for me. We are close, but we have always had a particular kind of fight, since we met, the dynamics of which I will only touch on as far as it helps explain what REALLY troubles me.
To summarise today's example: I came home from an extremely busy day at work (walking almost 2.5 miles each way there). Tired, but otherwise perfectly happy; happy to see my kids, especially since my daughter had her first full day at school, happy to see my partner.
I am quite happy to admit that the genesis of the palpable tension that followed was with me in the concrete sense: we had agreed that I would take DS (2) out whilst she spends time with DD before her bed. No problem with that. But I could feel I was so tired that I wasn't ready to go out just that very second; I needed 15 -20 mins after chomping my dinner down.
As I could feel the tension rising from her, I tried to pre-empt by saying "I'll leave as soon as possible". Pre-empt failed, as the reply was the very thing I was trying to pre-empt, the kind of response that makes me feel harassed "but the sooner you get out the sooner we can put the film on". OK, deep breaths etc...This is where things always get hazy, and I won't try and describe exactly what happens next except to say that she turns up the get-out-of-my-way vibe whilst I move between feeling bewildered, annoyed and trying to get her to listen to what I actually meant by that tactless thing I just said...rinse and repeat a couple of times and before you know it she is saying the things above to me: "You are a despicable human being", "go an be miserable with someone else, find another partner" and saying to my daughter "ignore daddy, he's not here".

It is so so over the top, and unbelievably hurtful, and also hypocritical. Because she quite rightly says that we shouldn't argue in front of the kids, she is all about the kids, hyper-focussed on them. But when I push the wrong button (and I would never claim that I don't foolishly push certain buttons, when tired, stressed or feeling insecure) all bets are off with me, and she says horrible things like that and even gets our daughter to ally with her. That's when I snap and end up shouting about how harmful what she is doing is. But she has already put up the Kryptonite shield several minutes before, meaning I do not exist.

I know no-one can unpick the particular tangle that creates such interactions in the first place, but could I please get some perspective on my sense of this being really really out of order? I am no angel, I can be and have been a difficult person and my partner has been wonderful and helpful and forgiving in many ways. I'm sure she could tell a thing or two about my character flaws - but what infuriates me is that she never ever wants to examine the side of her that behaves as above. Help?

[BipBippadotta]

The haziness is unfortunate. We'll never know both sides of the story. But it happens in times of stress I guess. Dissociation, etc. Easy to forget what you've said in arguments as your attention is focused on what you're responding to. OP's partner may be quite hazy about what she said as well.

I think it's something that he admits being hazy - he could easily have made up a scenario where his behaviour was 100% measured and reasonable and mature, and got everyone to say 'poor you', if that was his agenda. I think he's at least taking responsibility here for the things he's done wrong, and acknowledges the parts of the dynamic he can't see clearly, and that's important.

But agree, the whole thing sounds quite toxic.

[BipBippadotta]

I thought the 'tactless' thing referred to his saying 'as soon as possible'? Not strictly
speaking tactless, but badly worded and badly received? Could have that wrong though.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

My DH can be like this. Today, for instance - last night he said.

"I want to go to XXX early tomorrow."

To my mind that means he would get up when my alarm goes (7.00 - his is set for 8.15) get himself sorted and bugger off. This means that I can get started on all of the things I've planned to do while he is out of the way. It also want that I didn't take the dogs out first thing because he planned to take them with him, and I was expecting that he would be wanting to leave by about 7.30 (I usually take the dogs out for an hour first thing).

It is now 9.00 as I type this. He got up at his usual time - when I commented that he told me he wanted to be out early (I had reminded him of the time twice) I got "Not this early." He has had his usual leisurely breakfast and is now reading some crappy novel. The only difference to a usual morning is that he is washed and dressed (this doesn't normally happen until about 9.30) and the dogs haven't had their walk and are going bananas.

I pointed out that if on one of the occasions I reminded him of the time he had told me that he wasn't going to leave until yon time, I could have had them out and clam, and now he is in a huff because he thinks I want him out (and I do! - he's not the only one with plans for the day).

I am getting increasingly annoyed and ready to kick off if he so much assays the wrong thing because I am really very frustrated - the dogs are going batty and he doesn't get off his arse to calm them so I am trying to put out washing (I have done three loads and hung out two them) one leadoff which was used by him telling the dogs to "come on with daddy - who's going out? who's going out?) and them going upstairs, where they followed him into the bedroom and one off them pissed on the bed (overexcitement) and he didn't notice and it's soaked through to the mattress.

When people have plans arranged with other people, and especially when those people are stressed and exhausted to start off with, then it makes them angry and (often) irrational when those plans are frustrated for no real reason.

And if you are anything like DH, that 15-20 minutes sit-down will translate into half an hour, then an hour, then it will be too hard to get your backside out of the chair and then it will be too LATE to do what you intended!

I can understand why she was pissed off! She had a mental plan (agreed with you), knew what she needed to do to have a bit of relaxation before she went to bed, and then you cocked the whole thing up by not sticking to the schedule.

I would probably have called you some names as well - not appropriate in front of the children, but nor is you leaving her to get on with stuff while you have a break - where is her break? I see EXACTLY where she is coming from because I have this on a daily basis myself.

I would like to emphasise, however, that I am not bitter . . .

[2kids2dogsnosense]

Also- you sound like a patronising git if your post in 100% true.

[OliviaStabler]

Of course it is not OK for her to say those things in front of the children.

From what you have described it sounds like a lack of awareness of behaviour from you both. Her in bringing the children into hearing and being a part of her anger towards you and you being 'hazy' in not understanding how you are acting and also not doing what you promised. I.e. Taking 15 - 20 minutes to rest when you promised to take out your dd. I would take that as you thinking that you have worked much harder than she has and not understanding how difficult her day was and how tired she is too.

I think you need to get some counselling as a couple.

Good luck.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Fucking hell 2kids talk about a ridiculous amount of projection. Not to mention your total hijack of the thread for your own issues.

[dowhatnow]

She should never call you names in front of the kids. As you say, whatever the situation this is never acceptable. She can call you on your individual behaviour but never personal attacks.

I also fail to see why you should have to leave the house. Why can't you entertain ds somewhere else in the house? I'd be mightily cheesed off if I had to come in from work then immediately leave again. You say you'd agreed this, or were you told to do this and agreed to keep the peace?

I think you are being given a hard time here op. You do seem to admit blame but it's impossible to see whether that blame is justified or not. Are you really so hard to live with and unreasonable or are you in an abusive relationship but aren't really aware of it? We need more information.

There does seem to be some red flags and I think if you were a woman, you'd have had a very different response from some posters. Is she quite controlling op? Do you feel you have to live up to her exacting standards and feel that you don't/can't live up to them?

Or maybe you are an unreasonable git and she is at the end of her tether. I think this needs to be explored further.

[FeralBeryl]

I think I may be married to you OP
My DH is a procrastinating faffer. I am more of a rabid terrier. It works sometimes but is often difficult.
I think the way you speak (type) is relevant actually. It infers that this is how you move/act around the home, taking a lot longer and using far more convoluted methods to complete simple tasks.
For someone clearly frazzled and wanting to just get on with stuff, this is unbearable and makes them me prone to snappy and unreasonable behaviour.
I would try and be clear in your objective-ie 'I know you want to get sorted, but I am totally fucked after that commute. I will sit down for X mins and leave the house by X pm.
This will allow you both to see an end in sight to the, ahem, palpable tension.


Oh and she was wrong to speak to you like that regardless btw.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

Paulanka apologies for the hijack - it wasn't intended. I was trying to show what it looks like from the other side of the situation.

FrealBeryl did it much better than I.