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AIBU?

Aibu regarding vegan (woman's) expectations?

61 replies

TowerRavenSeven · 02/09/2016 15:20

I know a lovely woman that I am in a group with, not a close friend more a member of a group of 25 women. She is vegan for moral reasons not medical.

We meet monthly and we are both on a committee within the group, the committee arranges food for the meetings and parties. On previous occasions I have brought vegan food so she could have something besides a salad (which she usually brings as her contribution) I honestly can't remember what I brought but it was 'mainstream', tasted good, etc. it went over poorly which I took with a grain of salt but then I noticed she didn't take what I had brought (I made a 'vegan' sign for it so it was clear) which I get, maybe she didn't care for it, but after a few attempts of it going over poorly with the group, her not taking it and me mostly eating it, I decided I was just going to bring what I wanted in the future.

Cue to a few days ago to the committee meeting. The main dish was decided, a pasta dish that can be made vegetarian and if the cheese taken off the top, vegan.

The group of women are older - I'm talking 60 and up - I'm the youngest by at least 15 years - and they are at a point they get a good prepared pasta dish and call it done. No one faffs around.

As we were sitting there the woman in question starts grousing about the choice because she can't eat it, "unless I pick off the cheese". She did not volunteer to bring a vegan version of the dish which would be quite easy to make but I think expected others to bring.

Aibu to think if you don't take the vegan food people brought, you either bring your own version of the main or at least make your salad contribution a hearty one that you can eat as your main instead of grousing because you have to alter the mains other people bring?

OP posts:

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TowerRavenSeven · 02/09/2016 16:00

But that was my aibu. I don't expect her to pick cheese off, I was vegetarian for a year and I would not just pull meat out of something and eat it.

But - if she 1) can't be bothered to bring a main she likes and can eat because

2) she has previously not eaten vegan options when provided

Then she shouldn't act peeved when the main was decided upon. That was the aibu.

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Italiangreyhound · 02/09/2016 16:01

YANBU

rookiemere · 02/09/2016 16:02

It's a little unclear if someone is making the main dish or if it's being bought in.

If it's the former - whilst I do believe her behaviour is a bit entitled - surely it's easy enough for the maker just to put a small portion in a separate bowl without the cheese?

TopazRocks · 02/09/2016 16:06

YANBU. She should know to bring something for herself. I speak as a lifetime vegetarian, & occasional vegan. It is also a great chance to show others what good stuff vegans do eat.

TowerRavenSeven · 02/09/2016 16:07

It'sallgoingtobefine yes I'm absolutely sure. I spent a lot of time researching the salad dressing I was going to use and when I couldn't find it I bought vegan mayo and made my own, which I discussed with her so she knew it was vegan. The salad consisted on cauliflower, broccoli, onions, vegan mayo, and curry spices.

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TopazRocks · 02/09/2016 16:08

But I agree simply removing the cheese from the top doesn't work, nor does picking the prawns out of the curry, the meat out the soup or whatever.

PurpleDaisies · 02/09/2016 16:09

Maybe he just didn't like the look of it. My veggie friend dreads being given mushrooms and will pretend not to be hungry if she's presented with a mushroom based veg option.

PurpleDaisies · 02/09/2016 16:09

The should be "she" not "he".

APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/09/2016 16:10

YANBU. You have cooked for her and she hasn't eaten it. She can bring her own.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 02/09/2016 16:10

It'sallgoingtobefine yes I'm absolutely sure.

Sorry wasn't trying to be patronising. It's just that eg MIL tries really hard but always forgets about this G's like vitamin D and red food colouring... That salad sounds lovely! In respect of your latest updates I don't YABU, she should bring her own food and not moan about everyone elses.

TowerRavenSeven · 02/09/2016 16:14

Rookie the group usually goes to Costco, which carries the 'Industrial' size frozen foods in bulk. So it's bought frozen then baked at home and brought to the venue, heated and served.

I was thinking of making a vegan option of the dish - homemade - but after a few attempts of trying to accommodate her previously and her not using it as her main, I decided screw it.

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MagikarpetRide · 02/09/2016 16:15

I eat an alternative diet for health reasons but I would expect anyone to go out of their way for me anyway, so if they had I'd be thankful even if I didn't like it. I also wouldn't moan that I could eat what everyone else who doesn't eat my diet does. I'd bring my own and attempt to feel normal

MagikarpetRide · 02/09/2016 16:16

*wouldnt expect. Apparently my auto correct has decided I'm too negative thinking and does recognise the n't anymore

MagikarpetRide · 02/09/2016 16:16

*wouldnt expect. Apparently my auto correct has decided I'm too negative thinking and does recognise the n't anymore

TowerRavenSeven · 02/09/2016 16:21

It'sallgoing no I'm sorry I didn't mean that to sound as rude as it looks written! I didn't take it as patronizing at all. It was really good by the way (in my opinion!) I love trying new foods - although this was one of my mainstays.

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rookiemere · 02/09/2016 16:34

Then YANBU. It's a catered dish. All but one of the group are happy with the choice and it would be available to her if she didn't eat the cheese.

Presumably she isn't having to contribute financially to this food she doesn't eat? I can maybe see her point a bit if it's coming out of a communal kitty - if so then maybe suggest that she pays reduced dues or something to compensate for having to bring her own food.

TowerRavenSeven · 02/09/2016 16:34

Ok so I'm getting the gist I am not being unreasonable. When we had the meeting and she groused i just nicely said "I'd just bring a nice hearty salad you can have".

I still do empathize with her though, especially at venues that we don't have control over what is served. To be honest at those times I've felt really bad that she's just sitting there with a pile of lettuce. I've told her, "I hope you have something really yummy to eat in your car" because that's what I'd do in her situation (or heck just discreetly put food I brought at home on my plate!)

Yet she says she doesn't. I'm not a foodie by any means but I love food and if I had a pretty good idea that what was going to be served was something I didn't eat I would always have a back up plan. Being pissed off about it isn't going to change the fact you had a crappy meal!

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MammouthTask · 02/09/2016 16:35

Seen that's it's easier to make a vegan dish a Non vegan one by adding cheese or whatever, I think she should be in charge of the main course.

And then you can some cheese on top or whatever is your fancy and she can eat.

I'm at loss as to why she hasn't brought something else than a green salad for the meal. And then not eaten the vegan dish you brought (did she not trust you?). But is still happy to moan about it.
Or is she expecting everyone to have a vegan dish just because she is?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 02/09/2016 16:37

it would be available to her if she didn't eat the cheese

No. It wouldn't.

TowerRavenSeven · 02/09/2016 16:38

Rookie no the only financial contribution is what you bring, and even then it's optional - we can get reimbursed for what we bring if we wish. Usually for me it isn't worth the hassle of writing it up but if I bought say, a ton of wine, then yes I'd probably put in for it.

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LaContessaDiPlump · 02/09/2016 16:38

I'm a vegan. She's being awkward. YANBU.

OTOH I am a pretty relaxed vegan (living with 3 carnivores) and even I wouldn't just 'pick the cheese off' yuck!

LaContessaDiPlump · 02/09/2016 16:40

Does she drink the wine, out of interest? Wine is often not vegan (can contain isinglass, egg, milk)....

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TowerRavenSeven · 02/09/2016 16:41

Mammoth I'm not sure. I do think she is expecting accommodation. I think she might be a bit tight with her money (she's retired and affords nice vacations) and coupling that with maybe she can't be arsed is the reason.

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TowerRavenSeven · 02/09/2016 16:44

LaContessa I don't think so but since I don't drink (migraines) I really do not notice what others are drinking but we always have other options - coffee, tea, iced tea, and ice water.

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ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 02/09/2016 16:45

She might be one of those scary vegans who is traumatised if people eat non-vegan food in her vicinity?

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