Aibu regarding vegan (woman's) expectations?

[TowerRavenSeven]

I know a lovely woman that I am in a group with, not a close friend more a member of a group of 25 women. She is vegan for moral reasons not medical.

We meet monthly and we are both on a committee within the group, the committee arranges food for the meetings and parties. On previous occasions I have brought vegan food so she could have something besides a salad (which she usually brings as her contribution) I honestly can't remember what I brought but it was 'mainstream', tasted good, etc. it went over poorly which I took with a grain of salt but then I noticed she didn't take what I had brought (I made a 'vegan' sign for it so it was clear) which I get, maybe she didn't care for it, but after a few attempts of it going over poorly with the group, her not taking it and me mostly eating it, I decided I was just going to bring what I wanted in the future.

Cue to a few days ago to the committee meeting. The main dish was decided, a pasta dish that can be made vegetarian and if the cheese taken off the top, vegan.

The group of women are older - I'm talking 60 and up - I'm the youngest by at least 15 years - and they are at a point they get a good prepared pasta dish and call it done. No one faffs around.

As we were sitting there the woman in question starts grousing about the choice because she can't eat it, "unless I pick off the cheese". She did not volunteer to bring a vegan version of the dish which would be quite easy to make but I think expected others to bring.

Aibu to think if you don't take the vegan food people brought, you either bring your own version of the main or at least make your salad contribution a hearty one that you can eat as your main instead of grousing because you have to alter the mains other people bring?

[Whingysquirrel]

I am a chubby vegan and know lots, being vegan doesn't make you thin. I wish it did But being vegan DOES make it easier to hide an eating disorder (or saying one is vegan rather) so that could be it.

I guess no way of knowing though. Does she have any other signs of an ED?

[CrazyNameCrazyGuy]

EttaJ Fully agree re: 'flexitarians' making it harder for people to understand what a vegan/vegetarian is.

Perhaps that's what this person is afraid of?

Also, I know some incredibly strict vegans who won't eat food that's been made with utensils that have in the past been used to cook/chop meat. That's taking cross-contamination a bit far imo but not really any of my business.

[EttaJ]

crazyname ha ha yes the fish trees, my experience too. On a long haul flight not long ago, when they fucked my meal choice up I got what don't you eat. I explained .But oh yes fish was mentioned by the hostess.

That said ,people like my friend who claims mainly on Facebook,to be vegan but " eats a little bit of fish and chicken ,oh and butter eggs milk and fucking cheese ,don't help. I often hear oh my friend/sister etc is vegetarian BUT they eat fish. Nope.

[CrazyNameCrazyGuy]

Another vegan here who wouldn't pick the cheese off something and eat it.

Sounds like you have gone out of your way to try and be helpful in the past (the spicy mayo veg salad sounds lovely).

Some very strict vegans are kind of distrusting when non-vegans make something. To be honest, I'm a bit wary sometimes too; I'm asked what I don't eat and I reply "meat/animal products, eggs, dairy and honey" and get the response "Do you eat fish?". Even when you say you eat a plant-based diet you'll sometimes get the fish question (those good old fish trees, what would us vegans do without them).

If she's snubbing the (vegan, not cheesy) food offered and just eating a green salad then there could possibly be some underlying ED. The restrictions, label checking etc. is very reminiscent of when I had an ED as a teenager (was vegetarian then, not vegan).

Anyway YANBU to be fed up with her. Why not suggest she makes a vegan main for you all to eat. If she's a half-decent cook she should knock up something tasty and she knows exactly what's in it if that's what she's worried about.

[amidawish]

Ask her to choose the dish. Don't let her moan about the options presented. See what she comes up with.

[AnotherPrickInTheWall]

Sounds to me as is she has an eating disorder. I know of a few very underweight woman who are vegan , and I'm sure it's an excuse to not eat very much at all.
I have been vegan in the past and I struggled to lose weight because a lot of the protein rich foods such as nuts are very calorific.

[TowerRavenSeven]

I haven't considered the eating disorder but I wouldn't rule it out either. She is very very thin. I worry about it because she's older and active and always think older women (myself included, though I'm 53...) look a little better with a bit of padding then gaunt. Now maybe she was this way before going vegan, I didn't know her then but come to think of it I've never really noticed her eating either. I'll have to do some sleuthing to see what she does eat.

Thanks for the replies.

[motherinferior]

(I should probably add I don't think that about all vegans at all. And indeed try to be a bit vegan during the week myself.)

[motherinferior]

I suspect if she's just eating salad she may have weird eating issues but that is probably me being unreasonable. FWIW I don't think 'picking the cheese off' is acceptable to a vegan either.

[whataboutbob]

Have you considered there could be an underlying eating disorder? Anorexics often start off imposing draconian restrictions for health/ ethical reasons, it's an effective way of drastically reducing calorie intake while also having an excuse to turn food down in social situations.

[rookiemere]

Has she made any positive suggestions about what you could have instead of the pasta bake?

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

She might be one of those scary vegans who is traumatised if people eat non-vegan food in her vicinity?

[TowerRavenSeven]

LaContessa I don't think so but since I don't drink (migraines) I really do not notice what others are drinking but we always have other options - coffee, tea, iced tea, and ice water.

[TowerRavenSeven]

Mammoth I'm not sure. I do think she is expecting accommodation. I think she might be a bit tight with her money (she's retired and affords nice vacations) and coupling that with maybe she can't be arsed is the reason.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Does she drink the wine, out of interest? Wine is often not vegan (can contain isinglass, egg, milk)....

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I'm a vegan. She's being awkward. YANBU.

OTOH I am a pretty relaxed vegan (living with 3 carnivores) and even I wouldn't just 'pick the cheese off' yuck!

[TowerRavenSeven]

Rookie no the only financial contribution is what you bring, and even then it's optional - we can get reimbursed for what we bring if we wish. Usually for me it isn't worth the hassle of writing it up but if I bought say, a ton of wine, then yes I'd probably put in for it.

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

it would be available to her if she didn't eat the cheese

No. It wouldn't.

[MammouthTask]

Seen that's it's easier to make a vegan dish a Non vegan one by adding cheese or whatever, I think she should be in charge of the main course.

And then you can some cheese on top or whatever is your fancy and she can eat.

I'm at loss as to why she hasn't brought something else than a green salad for the meal. And then not eaten the vegan dish you brought (did she not trust you?). But is still happy to moan about it.
Or is she expecting everyone to have a vegan dish just because she is?

[TowerRavenSeven]

Ok so I'm getting the gist I am not being unreasonable. When we had the meeting and she groused i just nicely said "I'd just bring a nice hearty salad you can have".

I still do empathize with her though, especially at venues that we don't have control over what is served. To be honest at those times I've felt really bad that she's just sitting there with a pile of lettuce. I've told her, "I hope you have something really yummy to eat in your car" because that's what I'd do in her situation (or heck just discreetly put food I brought at home on my plate!)

Yet she says she doesn't. I'm not a foodie by any means but I love food and if I had a pretty good idea that what was going to be served was something I didn't eat I would always have a back up plan. Being pissed off about it isn't going to change the fact you had a crappy meal!

[rookiemere]

Then YANBU. It's a catered dish. All but one of the group are happy with the choice and it would be available to her if she didn't eat the cheese.

Presumably she isn't having to contribute financially to this food she doesn't eat? I can maybe see her point a bit if it's coming out of a communal kitty - if so then maybe suggest that she pays reduced dues or something to compensate for having to bring her own food.

[TowerRavenSeven]

It'sallgoing no I'm sorry I didn't mean that to sound as rude as it looks written! I didn't take it as patronizing at all. It was really good by the way (in my opinion!) I love trying new foods - although this was one of my mainstays.

[MagikarpetRide]

*wouldnt expect. Apparently my auto correct has decided I'm too negative thinking and does recognise the n't anymore

[MagikarpetRide]

*wouldnt expect. Apparently my auto correct has decided I'm too negative thinking and does recognise the n't anymore

[MagikarpetRide]

I eat an alternative diet for health reasons but I would expect anyone to go out of their way for me anyway, so if they had I'd be thankful even if I didn't like it. I also wouldn't moan that I could eat what everyone else who doesn't eat my diet does. I'd bring my own and attempt to feel normal