I think my dm is bu about my wedding, what do you think?

[marybrian]

I am not that close to my dm, we are ok, but not besties constantly in each others lives. We live several hours drive apart and see each other maybe half a dozen times a year. I am engaged to be married this Christmas and we are limited by venue size to 150 guests. My fiance and I chose our venue because it is close to our home and so easy to pop back and forth to make arrangements. We have invited most of my parents friends but not all. I chose to invite the ones I know best and am friendly with. My dm is very angry with me that I haven't invited the last couple as they're giving her a hard time about being 'the only ones' in her friendship group without an invite. She says they've threatening to break the friendship over it. I don't want to invite these people as a) I barely know them & b) it's not like my parents are paying for the wedding. My fiance & I are financing the whole thing ourselves. This is our special day & I only want the people present who are close to us. If I invite these people to make my dm happy, it'll be at the expense of losing people close to myself or my fiance. There is space for them to attend later in the evening but they refuse to drive the 3hrs to get here to take part at the end of the day and they're angry not to be included all along. Aibu?

[GingerbreadGingerbread]

YANBU

All your mum needs to say to her friends is "I'm sorry but my daughter and her fiancé are paying for the wedding and as such the guest list is down to them and not me, they are limited to a certain number."

Your mum is being so unreasonable. Not paying but trying to stick her oar in?

[Cherrysoup]

But my dm has said 'Your mil has to realise, when I come up to see you, it's you I want to see, not her.'

I think your DM is reasonable to say this. They don't live near each other, so fine, no need to be big buddies.

I wonder if the friends actually said this or its your mother projecting her feelings.

[Ewock]

Are you sure your dm isn't making this stuff up about her friends? It is such an odd thing for anyone to say - we will break the friendship if we aren't invited even weirder when you have only met them twice!
We invited some of my oarents frineds to our wedding for 2 reasons. 1. We knew them, saw a lot of them and got on. 2. My parents very generously paid for half our wedding. But at no point did they tell us that we had to invite certain people, we spoke to my oarents and said we are inviting xyz. Obviously there were some of their friends we didn't invite as we didn't really know them. Like you we wanted people we knew at the wedding.
Your letter sounds fine but your dm needs to pull her neck in. And not inviting your mil to your engagement party was disgusting of her and shows her in very dim light.

[Wdigin2this]

It amazes me, how many people think an invite to a wedding, is a right rather than an honour.
If you really can't add any more (and why should you if you hardly know these people) invite your mother to drop two of her other friends in their favour....or tell her you have a list for cancellations, if two drop out a week or so before the date, they can come!
YANBU, this is your wedding... and you're paying for it!!! Ifyour mother is more concerned about her friend's reactions, than keeping you, her daughter, as stress free as possible....that doesn't say much for her!
Good luck, and have a fab time, none of it will matter on the day!

[pasic]

Is your DM contributing anything at all apart from unpleasantness?

[grannytomine]

I think your mother was mean not to invite your future MIL to your engagement party but I do understand her not wanting to buddy up with her. Two of my kids are married and I am polite and smiley when I bump into their PIL but we don't really have anything in common except the grandchildren and I'm not looking for new friends, I have my own and yes when I visit my son who lives 200 miles away I want to see him, his children and his wife. I really wouldn't be driving 200 each way to see her mum and dad. I have two other kids who may be getting married in the future so that would make 4 sets of in laws I am supposed to buddy up with. Honestly it would be too much.

[marybrian]

My mil comes from a culture where there is a special name for two mils. It's like they become 'sisters' upon their childrens joint marriage and they usually join together to help the young couple. It's about friendship and support. My dfiances family are very very warm and welcoming. Sadly, my own are not the same.

[Sonders]

YANBU. I know this is a ridiculous non-solution but maybe tell your DM she can invite them if she un-invites 2 of her other friends. You'll have nothing to do with it all and just want the 2 names for the table plan.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

marybrian She didn't invite your prospective MIL to th engagement party!?
That was HORRIBLE!

I had been partly on her side (not totally because it's your day, your money and your choice) because it's one of those things - you can not invite ten couples, but you can't (without insulting them) not invite one. But when I read this I thought"WHAT!?"

That is a really spiteful trick (TBH, I wouldn't have accepted the party under the conditions - I'm surprised your fiancé went.)

Stuff her mates - if they are going to be so petty as to fall out with her for something that is YOUR decision, then they aren't worth a light anyhow!

[KC225]

I am another one who thinks your mother may be making it up about the couple threatening to break a friendship. Who would do that?

The friends you have met twice over 8 years ago is should not have not expected an invitation. If they did, then it sounds as if all her friends are wanting a full day at your expense. Tell them to arrange their own jolly.

You have behaved impeccably, writing a thoughtful letter and offering an evening invitation your mother needs to back off. Remind her that you are paying for it, it's your wedding. It is not her platform to Lord it up in front of her friends. More importantly she didn't invite MIL to your engagement party, that is far worse.

[Danglyweed]

Jeez your dm sounds like a twat! Id uninvite her

[ImperialBlether]

Your mother in law sounds really lovely. I would love it if my children married someone with a mum like that.

[Myrobalanna]

Your mum sounds like she might be horrendous if you have children.
I hope your mil is able to understand it's your mum's foible that's caused the rejection. What a shame! Usually we are so careful with each other in the uk to the point of being offhand: it's sad to hear of genuine warmth being knocked back.

[Zombieswillreign]

Your wedding.your choice.tell her to bog of

[Zombieswillreign]

This is just the start of yr mum trying to control everything..just wait till you have kids and she is demanding they follow her religion ...

[trafalgargal]

Sounds like your MIL told them that of course they were invited and feels she's going to lose face if they aren't. However her problem not yours if you've not seen them since you were eight.

[MidnightAura]

Yanbu we had this at our wedding from my in laws trying to control our guest list. Don't give in if you don't want too!

[PotteringAlong]

It's not unwelcoming to not want to be "like a sister" to someone you barely know who lives 3 hours away. Wanting to see you when she visits rather than your mil is not unwelcoming. It's actually perfectly normal and usual. Don't make this bigger than it is. You're annoyed about the guests, yes. Don't start reading into events things that are not there.

RE: the engagement party; I assume it was at your mother's house for her side of the family so no other people from your fiancé's family were invited? So not unusual.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

Invite her friends instead of her.

[SallyGardens]

My MIL tried something similar with me about how her friends were all horribly offended at being invited to the evening only and if it was a question of money, then she'd be more than willing to pay the shortfall. I told her to speak to DH who's far less diplomatic than I am and bluntly told her that if her friends didn't want to come, then they were welcome to decline the invitation.

Come the wedding, all her friends show up on cue, having booked hotel rooms for the entire weekend (Friday wedding) and made a proper trip out of it, without their husbands who were also invited. I mentioned to one of them that it was great to see them there and she told me that they wouldn't have missed it for the world!

It was all about face-saving to MIL.

[LittleCandle]

I am at your DM not inviting MIL to the engagement party! How rude can you get. There is no need for them to be best friends, but that is beyond the pale.

When I was getting married, my parents were paying for everything and DF wanted to invite people that not only I had not met, but that he had not seen since he was in nappies! We ended up having a monumental row about it. In the end, most of the guests on our side were relatives. My friends were mostly relegated to the reception in the evening, and due to us having just graduated a month prior, nobody had a car, and there was a bus strike that day and nobody made it. (No trains in that area at that time, before anyone says anything about that.)

If you are paying for your own wedding, then you invite the people that you want. You might also want to give your DM a lesson in manners. I am still at her bad manners.

[PGPsabitch]

Yanbu at all. Your mum completely is.

Dh and I did our head co unts too and chose a venue based on that. Each of our patents best friends we invited because we were close to them. One of my parents tried to royally take the much wanting day invites for several more and evening invites for a dozen more. Total piss take as they knew we'd done nmbers before venue choosing and we were paying ourselves.

Told them no to day invites and to evening, they weren't happy but got over. My sisters had a word and told them it wasn't their wedding again it was mine and dhs. Also reminded them of their mothers attitudes on their wedding day and assumptions which I think was what hit home.

[chocolateworshipper]

YANBU - your wedding, being paid for with your money. DM can suck it up. My own "D"M did her very best to try and turn my wedding into her own day - I strongly suggest you don't let yours get away with anything. I think the letter you wrote to her friends was a lovely thing to do. You don't owe anything else to them or your DM. Have a lovely day and congratulations

[ohtheholidays]

Your Mum sounds like she's not a very nice person OP!

Stick to your guns and don't let her run rough shot over your wishes,its your wedding day not your Mum's!

As for not inviting your MIL to the engagement party why the hell didn't you or her son invite her?That behaviour from your Mother I couldn't forgive that's a really cruel and evil thing to do!

If I was you I wouldn't talk to your Mother anymore about anything to do with the wedding,that way if she knows nothing she can't complain,take over or try and change everything you've decided on.

Your MIL though sounds really lovely,I'd be including her as much as I could to try and go some way to making up for the fact that she missed out on the engagement party.

[Koan]

Inviting a future MIL to an engagement party does not mean she has to buddy up. There's a symbolism involved too. But your mother chose her own symbolism, sending quite a different message about things going forward. I suppose today couples don't 'need' their respective families to be decent to one another, but it really helps the couple if they are. The engagement party celebrated a marriage to come, so as the host, publicly extending a welcome to your MIL is partly a gesture. What would it have cost? Already, your MIL faces the wedding without her DS's father and this may add to that feeling.

Does the financial comfort zone favour your DM, as I wonder if she would behave like this otherwise, or if dear FIL was around.

This is the worst part of all of for me tbh. I just can't get past it.