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AIBU?

I think my dm is bu about my wedding, what do you think?

112 replies

marybrian · 01/09/2016 06:22

I am not that close to my dm, we are ok, but not besties constantly in each others lives. We live several hours drive apart and see each other maybe half a dozen times a year. I am engaged to be married this Christmas and we are limited by venue size to 150 guests. My fiance and I chose our venue because it is close to our home and so easy to pop back and forth to make arrangements. We have invited most of my parents friends but not all. I chose to invite the ones I know best and am friendly with. My dm is very angry with me that I haven't invited the last couple as they're giving her a hard time about being 'the only ones' in her friendship group without an invite. She says they've threatening to break the friendship over it. I don't want to invite these people as a) I barely know them & b) it's not like my parents are paying for the wedding. My fiance & I are financing the whole thing ourselves. This is our special day & I only want the people present who are close to us. If I invite these people to make my dm happy, it'll be at the expense of losing people close to myself or my fiance. There is space for them to attend later in the evening but they refuse to drive the 3hrs to get here to take part at the end of the day and they're angry not to be included all along. Aibu?

OP posts:

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Inertia · 01/09/2016 06:58

Your mum sounds pretty selfish and rude. I would ignore the tantrums. She can organise her own party for her friends if they are all that bothered.

ConvincingLiar · 01/09/2016 06:58

DM not inviting MIL to your engagement party was very rude unless there'd been a falling out and you'd asked her not to.

Is it viable to have this couple on a reserve list? I wouldn't really want to reward their bad behaviour. I did my invitation list by working out a rough seating plan up front. I don't personally like people being jumbled up so I looked at how to seat groups who know each other.

Did this couple send you an engagement card/gift? Did they attend the party hosted by your mother and spend a lot of time with you?

At best I might write them a "sorry you're upset, this was my decision not DM's, I chose to invite the people I know best, rather than necessarily her best friends" letter.

Astoria797 · 01/09/2016 06:59

Why invite any of her friends in the first place? Should have operated an all or nothing approach, far less political. Now you have though, there's not much to be done. Your mum just has to deal with it.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 01/09/2016 07:01

feck off should the OP consult her mother Its her wedding, her money and her plan.

OP keep your guest list as it is. You have no obligation to invite friends of someone else. To me that's like inviting my sisters best mate because she is really good friends with other people I would invite but bugger all to do with me.

I would never expect my children to invite my friends to their wedding why? some of my grandparents friends helped raise me as a child and have been very important part of my life even though they are my grandparents friends not mine.

LuluJakey1 · 01/09/2016 07:02

I am surprised by answers to OP here. Every thread about wedding invites usually is full of posters saying 'No one is entitled to an invite. Your wedding your choice. Ignore them. They are being unreasonable not you'

For some reason OP is getting a bit of stick here and being told by some she should have asked her mum who she should ask.

It is her wedding, she is paying for it, places are limited, she did not want to ask these people, the people are being arses about it and issuing ultimatums. Mum is supporting them and not her daughter.

My advice would be tell them to bugger off- and your mum and the rest of her friends can go with them if she can't back you up

LineyReborn · 01/09/2016 07:09

Your mum's 'friends' sound like the sort of hideous high maintenance people my own mother surrounds herself with. Don't let them come to your wedding - they'll have cats bum mouths all day about something or other probably.

GnomeDePlume · 01/09/2016 07:11

OP to paraphrase you post:

This is our special day & I only want the people present who are close to us. If I invite these people to make you happy, it'll be at the expense of losing people close to myself or my fiance. There is space for them to attend later in the evening.

Keep saying this to your DM. This is about your friends and family not your DM's. Hopefully eventually the penny will drop.

EvaWild · 01/09/2016 07:15

Eh, I don't know, I feel you are right because it is your party after all. Maybe she is even making it sound worse than it really is.

marybrian · 01/09/2016 07:19

I have written a letter of apology to this couple, stating it was our decision and not my mums and purely down to numbers and who we know best and that no offence was meant. And also that the evening invitation was there but I understood it is a very long way to come. I'm irritated as I've only met this couple twice in my life and the last time I saw them was about 8yrs ago!

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 01/09/2016 07:20

And your mum not inviting your MIL to your engagement party, and that nonsense about the tiny village church - that's very odd behaviour. Almost as if she likes to sabotage things a little in your life.

Does she often do things like that?

wizzywig · 01/09/2016 07:21

Unless you phone up one of her friends you have invited & tell them because the other friend is kicking up such a fuss, i have to uninvite you. Then sit back and watch the fireworks

LineyReborn · 01/09/2016 07:22

OP Your mother's making it all about her - again. I wouldn't pander to it any more.

Have a lovely wedding btw

mylaptopismylapdog · 01/09/2016 07:22

Childish and selfish of your Mum's friend.We haven't been invited to friends children's wedding but I would never have even considered saying anything as I knew I didn't know the child en hills these invited had known them for years!

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/09/2016 07:22

Sounds like you've done everything you can do to make nice. I'd now just ignore! Have a fab wedding

mylaptopismylapdog · 01/09/2016 07:23

Children of those!

marybrian · 01/09/2016 07:28

I think what's really underneath it all is that I am marrying outside of my mums comfort zone, to 'a foreigner'. Also someone from a different financial/cultural background to us.

My mil is desperate to make 'best friends' with my mum so they can 'buddy-up' when babies come along etc. But my dm has said 'Your mil has to realise, when I come up to see you, it's you I want to see, not her.'

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TheOddity · 01/09/2016 07:28

The appropriate response if they really are threatening to break off the friendship over this is to break off there friendship, seriously. We had same scenario with one friend of PIL and they directed their attention to the 'friend' and atropped seeing him because they rightly so his attitude as selfish and not in the spirit of friendship.

eddielizzard · 01/09/2016 07:28

wow. your mum has a few ishoos! yanbu.

SickInBedOnTwoChairs · 01/09/2016 07:31

Would you want someone at your wedding that is making threats to break the friendship to your DM anyway? Nope.

Dozer · 01/09/2016 07:33

Yanbu not to invite the couple.

Your M was very rude not to invite MiL to the engagement party: did you have it out with her beforehand?

Your DM is NBU, however, not to want to spend much time with MIL - is MIL often there for a long time when your DM visits you? If so then YABU on that. If she just pops in briefly than your DM is BU again!

Ragwort · 01/09/2016 07:36

Utterly ridiculous and your DM is incredibly unkind if she didn't invite your future DMIL to the engagement party (can't she see the irony?).

On a separate point, my parents are fairly frequently invited to the weddings of their friends' children - they loathe going - they don't really know many people, the weddings are usually (and quite rightly) geared to younger people's tastes, lots of standing around, they barely know the couple ............. but they are of the generation where they consider it is rude to say a polite 'no thank you 'to the invitation.

RhiWrites · 01/09/2016 07:36

This couple sound like asshats and I'm not too impressed by your mum either. She didn't invite your widowed MIL yo your engagement party? Why not?

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lalalalyra · 01/09/2016 07:38

Do you live closer to your mil? Is she always around when your mum visits?

marybrian · 01/09/2016 07:38

My 'd'm and my mil barely ever meet. My dm comes over when she knows my mil isn't around.

OP posts:

marybrian · 01/09/2016 07:40

As I've mentioned upstream, my dm is uncomfortable I'm marrying outside her zone of experience.

OP posts:

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