...to tell my mother we are never going to just "drop the kids off"?

[CheerfulYank]

I genuinely don't know if I'm being a massive bitch.

For starters we're all Americans and I know that long distances to you wouldn't seem quite so massive to us, so that may come into play. :) But.

My parents live about 300 miles from us. Takes five hours in the car on a good day. We have three kids (9, 3, 1) so it always takes considerably longer given bathroom stops etc.

DH works 8-6 Monday-Friday. I stay at home and do part time child minding during the school year and don't drive. (I really need to learn and stop being so afraid!) My parents are 56 but my mother is frequently not in fantastic health. She has chronic migraines and thyroid issues and has to get cortisone shots in her knee every few months. :( She works from home and is pretty flexible. My dad also owns his own business but works ib a hardware store on the side. (His business has been slow lately so he's picked up more shifts at the store, too)

Anyway. My DC are the only grandchildren on my side and seem likely to remain so, at least for years. My mom talks a lot about us moving closer but seems to have accepted that won't happen. She's talked a lot about moving closer to us but my dad REALLY doesn't want to. She still talks about it but I don't know how serious it is. She looks at houses occasionally but she admits that if it weren't for us, she would never think of leaving. I would like them closer but it's a lot of pressure for my family to be her only reason for being in a certain place. I would feel like we had to be around every time she wanted to stop by and also like we couldn't move if we ever wanted to. (I don't think we ever will, but who knows.)

They see the kids pretty often. They are really good about coming down and staying if I have a meeting or even a doctor's appointment or something. I NEVER make them feel obligated too but they always offer.

They often have the older two for long weekends at theirs.(Maybe every six weeks or so?) Usually we meet them halfway and drop off the kids. Sometimes they will bring them all the way back and sometimes we meet again. We don't often go all the way to theirs...maybe just a few times a year and then we stay in our family's lake cabin. The reason we don't is that our house is a fixer upper and there's always SOME project or another going. Plus DH and I rarely get to go out together so we use the time the kids are at my parents' to work on house stuff and/or occasionally go see an actual movie that doesn't have cartoon characters in it. :) My mom wasn't fussed about seeing me all that often before I had the kids (we get along well but she's pretty clear on the real draw being the DC) so I never think it's all that important that DH and I go up there.

This weekend is a long one (Labor Day here on Monday) and then DS starts school on Tuesday. A few days ago I was telling my mother that as it's the long weekend I was going to get a babysitter to be with the kids so I could finish the project I'm working on (switching some bedrooms around including repainting and ripping up carpet) because I want the boys to be settled in their new room before school starts. She texted "well you know you can drop them here anytime" and I didn't say anything... probably sent a smiley or something.

Today she brought up the weekend again and suddenly started in on how we never "just drop them off, you only bring them all the way here if you're going to stay at the cabin." I explained that that probably wouldn't happen because DH wouldn't be able to get there before midnight on a Friday night with them and then he would have to come right back on Sunday to get them. She just said "yep, I know" in a tone that implied she and my dad are always doing that very thing. Which isn't entirely true, they never take them just for a few days because it's not worth it with the driving. It's usually a four day weekend at least.

She said she was telling my dad how we NEVER just "drop them off" and he agreed and was angry about it.

I don't know if I'm BU or not but honestly I can't see that we are ever going to do that. I don't drive but even if (when, hopefully) I get my license I can't see driving five hours at night on a Friday and dropping them off and then leaving. If DH or I bring them up there we will stay for the weekend and then come home all together.

She got off the phone kind of quickly after that and I'm not really sure what to make of it all. My dad will drive down to drop the kids off or pick them up and then drive back a few hours later, but I always tell him it's madness and he should at least stay the night. He doesn't usually want to though. Once they drove down and stayed for six hours to see DS's school concert and then drove back home. I have never asked them to do any of this and I always try to get them to stay. We don't have a lot of room but they could sleep on our bed or the couches, but they never want to. My dad has talked about putting a guest room in our garage (he's a carpenter of sorts) and maybe then they would.

I don't want to make it sound like "if you don't pick them up halfway you won't see them as often" but to put it bluntly that's kind of the way of it. DH can't take his whole weekend driving there and back and there and back again and we can't always get away for an entire weekend to stay up there (we have a massive dog too and no one to watch him when we leave so we have to take him with us and he doesn't get on well with my parents' dogs). We could probably make it up every 2-3 months as a family and stay for a weekend but I know she will complain about going that long and also not seeing them "all to herself."

AIBU to say that we are never going to just "drop them off"? Sorry this is so long.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Canyouforgiveher they may not have been confident to teach her.

[CheerfulYank]

CanYou yes I can and should learn at any time. I'm actually hopeful that I will this year now that I've identified the actual issue. I just meant that "did they not teach you" was kind of a senseless question as obviously they didn't.

Sunshine my mom did try to teach me a few times, I think. I also brought home the papers for driver's Ed when I was 15 like everyone else and she said "how much is that going to cost" (think she'd just had to pay my cheerleading fees the week before or something) and I said "fine, I won't do it" and then didn't. We had a very snarky combative relationship back then.

Fist bump back Suki :) Thanks. Often that is what happens; DH and I stay at the cabin with the youngest or the two youngest and oldest DS or whoever stays with them as it's what they expect.

Next time I'll make my OP one sentence and drip feed all the info :o

[VimFuego101]

Who moved away from who?

I can see why your DH doesn't want the

[VimFuego101]

• doesn't want to do the drive. I'm a bit baffled as to how you manage without driving though.

[greenfolder]

We have this with my mum.she retired and moved a 3 hour drive away.it is impossible for us to take youngest dd there and come back again. It would be bonkers. My mum moaned a bit about not having the same relationship as with the older ones. I had to tell her there was nothing we could do about it

[CheerfulYank]

I did.

We were all (parents, my brother and me) born in Ohio. Then when I was 7 we moved to Minnesota, a thousand miles away, and were never especially close to my extended family again. I moved away at 18 to attend college, met DH, and married him. We actually intended to move across the country at some point but I had DS1 unexpectedly and we ended up in the town DH grew up in so that he could have a steady job.

As for how I get along, I don't especially well. Definitely not now with 3! It's a small town so I can walk to most things I need here, but going out of town is a nightmare. Plus it gets far below zero in the winter and I can't walk massive distances then.

[CheerfulYank]

Sorry, the bit about moving when I was young was to say that I think she really feels it now. She never saw her family much as they don't want to travel to hers. She hasn't seen her siblings in ten years, since her father's funeral. So I think she really is looking for that family connection with us.

As far as us being at her beck and call if she moved closer, I know that would cause some friction. She never actually ASKS if she can come visit, just tells me such and such a date. If we were going to be out of town or something she would grudgingly accept it, but there have been times where I just didn't feel like a visit but haven't said because I know it would be a huge thing.

[QOD]

300 miles in the uk would take less time as we drive sooooo much faster lol

However, yadwnbu

Even if it took 3 hours, it's too far to go there and back
I have a lot of American friends and they are currently taking the pee out of me that I just refused a 2 night stay in Edinburgh which is at least an 8 hour drive, as they do that to drop kids at college etc and drive back in the morning/that evening
Your mum is probably more my and their generation - late 40's and early 50's and they genuinely happily do tjis
I guess you've missed that whole acceptance as you don't drive

I still think ydwnbu (you're damn well not being unreasonable) as I'm English 🙄😜😂

[CheerfulYank]

I've just talked to her on the phone (about something unrelated) and she brought it up. Said if DH will bring them there Friday night and stay over, then leave on Saturday morning they will meet us halfway with them on Monday.

I'll ask DH what he thinks as long as we can meet early Monday as the first day of school is the next day.

[puglife15]

It sounds like maybe your DM would just like a bit of thanks / recognition for their effort with the grandchildren.

Of course you aren't under any obligation to give it and it's not like you're asking her to travel all the time, but fact is they do help and give you a break a lot and clearly care about the kids.

I bet it would help if you said "I know it's a long way for you to travel, I really appreciate you offering to help us out. The kids love spending time with you, it's a shame we aren't all a bit closer so we could drive up more." Maybe you already do this in which case ignore me!

My DC is nearly 4, and my parents, who are about the same distance away, have come to help once because I begged

I sent them a gift and card afterwards to say thank you.

[greenlolly]

I do a journey of exactly that length most weekends. Except that I do it in one direction on Friday evening, then back again in the other direction on Sunday evening. Even allowing for long-distance driving being a bit easier in the US than on our crowded motorways with endless night-time closures, it is plenty bad enough!

I would rather scoop my eyeballs out with a teaspoon than do it in both directions twice in that space of time. I don't what the solution is - probably see them less and facetime more - but it certainly isn't realistic to do that amount of driving in a weekend unless it's a one-off special occasion. YADNBU!

[CheerfulYank]

Oh I definitely thank them profusely! I don't send them anything as they really wouldn't like that but I do splash out on birthdays and Christmas and take them out for lunch etc while they're here :)

I know I am so lucky to have them so invested in the kids and so willing to make the trip (and to have such young parents actually!) but I just don't think we can make it up there more than every few months, at least during the school year. As the kids grow I plan to spend a few weeks at a time at the cabin during the summer months and we would see them every day. (In the US school is out all June, July, and August.)

[puglife15]

Well in that case if they are made to feel appreciated, they are being rather U.

Every few months at that distance feels fine to this non yank!

If it makes you feel better I'm not planning to visit any family now until Christmas. My DS hates traveling by car and screams for hours - I can't put him through it.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

No, I don't think you are being a massive bitch. I do think your mother is being slightly unreasonable, I don't know anyone who would happily drive 5h in each direction within a day! I mean, your father does it but that's his very fucking odd choice.

Yes you should get your licence, but you know, even if you do, you'll still have the time factor to take into account. It's a long fucking way!

The only way I can see you "dropping them off" working is with the halfway meet-up plan - 2.5h each way is just about bearable, and takes only half a working day out instead of an entire one. But still hard!
But if you have a lot to do, and only minimal time in which to do it, then you don't want to be wasting a large percentage of that in road travel.

Would your DH be more help or hindrance over the weekend? Can you send him up with the kids to your mum's? to stay, I mean, leaving you fully on your own?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

What suits you better as a family? The babysitter or your parents. They don't control you and you are under no obligation to comply just because they're trying to manipulate you. You are an adult and are allowed to make adult decisions.

You could also perhaps suggest they come and stay at a hotel or rent a local holiday cottage if there is one around - maybe go halves on the cost as you will be saving money on petrol and wear and tear on the car.

I don't know how old you and your dh are. But all the driving is taking serious amounts of time away from your diy project. And neither of you are making this choice. Bottom line, your family comes first. And your parents can rage all they want if they don't agree. It sounds as if you make a big effort to see them regularly and if that isn't enough for them, it's unfortunate.

Who moved away from whom is a red herring. You moved, fell in love, married and live where you live. End of discussion.

[mum23kidz]

I dont think yabu. I dont drive and we have this issue... its a 12 hour drive for us to see my parents. A few times a year is fine. If they want to come more thats a choice they made.

[DeathStare]

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable.

If you were asking them to have the kids as a favour to you then I think you would be being unreasonable. But you're not. Your DM is wanting to have the kids because she enjoys it. She's dressing it up as a favour to you, and it would be a help to you if she lived round the corner. But if it comes with 20 hours of driving attached it is no longer a help to you.

I actually think this kind of thing is more common than you think. I remember having a discussion at toddler group when my DC were little about how some grandparents offered help that wasn't really much help (if that makes sense) and then got all upset and offended if it was turned down. We came to the conclusion that some of them seemed to have forgotten that tasks which are no big deal if you are doing them alone (or just with another adult) and if you don't have to work the next day, are actually much more stressful if you have kids in tow and time is pressured.

I remember my mum asking why we always have takeaway on a certain night of the week and I explained that this was my really busy day at work and that by the time I'd got home at 6.30 I was too tired to start cooking. She offered that we could drive to hers (an hour and a half away) she'd cook us dinner and we could drive back. When I declined she was massively offended because she was "trying to help" and she felt I was being unreasonable while she was being generous. No amount of explaining that when I was too tired to cook the last thing I needed was three hours driving with tired, hungry small children would enable her to see it because as far as she was concerned she had offered a helpful solution.

Try to remember that while some people may try to be helpful to you only you can know whether their help actually is helpful, and there's nothing unreasonable about declining help that isn't really helpful.

[ProfYaffle]

I live 250 miles from my parents which is about 4hrs on our congested motorways. It is a long drive and I do feel it's a bit unreasonable to expect them to do so much of the driving.

With my parents we aim to visit them twice a year, sometimes for extended stays over summer/Xmas. They come here twice a year and stay for the weekend. And twice a year we meet in the middle for a weekend break together. Works out that we meet roughly every 2 months or so though obviously life often gets in the way and disrupts things.

Also if they'd stay at yours it would be easier. We're similar to you in that we have no guest room and my parents have to rough it on camp beds in the living room but they're happy to do that. Guest room in the garage could be the way forward maybe?

[annandale]

I agree that you sound as if you are brooding too much on what was probably a fairly standard mild grandparental dig, that in that moment she was thinking that you only come over to have a break at the cabin, not too ensure they see the kids. It didn't occur to her that I you wanted a holiday you don't presumably have to drive ten hours to get it.

I would also give her a ring and say 'ever since we talked I've been thinking about what you said and it's on my mind, can we talk about how you feel about us living where we do, and about coming so far?'

It is easy to end up in the same old pattern of reacting strongly to things your mother says because it used to be literally life or death to do so. Now, you don't have to do anything. Just listen.

Incidentally, if you did the 5 hours there and the 5 hours back with your dh, you'd pretty much know how to drive?!

[Astoria797]

I think you're being unreasonable getting them to babysit in the first place & then only going to them to when it comes to holidaying in the lakehouse. It makes you come across selfish and using, especially when you consider that they're driving 150miles with ill health to pick up the kids.

I personally would not allow my ill mum/dad to drive these distances regularly, and would either tell them to stop babysitting or drive the whole distance myself. 300 miles isn't a huge distance by US standards (for many it's just a commute and most people there manage it perfectly well with more kids than yours) and I think you know this which is why you've posted here rather than a US board where you'd have been called out on your selfishness.

[ApocalypseSlough]

Astoria 😂 Are you on glue?
I really doubt there are many Americans with 300 mile commutes and more than 3 children.

[zen1]

YANBU. 20 hrs drive in less than a 48hr period is just ridiculous if it's just for the sake of your parents wanting to see their grandkids when you have the much easier option of getting a babysitter. I mean, why would you do that? I think your current arrangement of meeting them half way when the kids go to stay is much better (though that still takes a fair bit out of everyone's day).

However, for this weekend, you already have childcare plans, so I would just explain that to your mother and stick by what you'd already decided. As you say, it's only a few years till your youngest goes to school, then you can arrange to spend a long chunk of the holidays staying with them so there is less pressure on everyone.

[ShiroiKoibito]

It's not just a long time in the car for you and DH, how do your dc feel about this?do they want to lose their weekends/days sitting in a car??