To not go to this wedding?

[wanchor]

DPs cousin, who I've never met (I've only met his dad and his partner and his nan and grandad from his dad side of the family), is getting married next weekend. Me and BILs girlfriend are invited but only to the reception after the meal and speeches not the actual ceremony.

DPs dad and his family live an hour away so that would mean having to drive there with DP as we don't want 2 cars there and wait around for hours or get the train which I don't want to do.

DPs dad suggested me and other girlfriend come up with DP and his brother and help set up the reception whilst they're at the ceremony. sorry if this seems rude but fuck no!!

On top of that, I hate things like weddings. Loud music and lots of drunk people, no I just don't enjoy that.

I really really don't want to go, I'm already starting to dread it. Plus I have to find a nice outfit

WIBU to just say to DP, I'm not going to enjoy it, I'll probably not be very happy as I'll be uncomfortable so I'm going to stay home instead. I'll still set a gift and a card. I just don't want to go to the wedding.

[wanchor]

And you don't think it might be nice for you to return the favour for an event he'd like you to come to... confused

Yeah it probably would be nice but I get anxious just thinkin about going to a party filled with my own family who I've known 21 years. It's even harder a family I don't even know. I would never expect him to come if he didn't want too, I actually didn't expect him to come at all.

He's also met all my family, we even went to visit the ones who lived aboard whilst they were there and stayed for a week, so it's not quite the same.

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

If you don't want to go then don't. The world will not end and famine and pestilence are an unlikely result of your non-attendance. The cousin may not even really notice one less evening guest.

Also, if you are not enjoying it, you are likely to affect your partner and he may not enjoy the occasion as much as he otherwise would. If he can go on his own and enjoy himself and you can stay at home happily then I don't see a problem.

[wanchor]

I have no idea whether they tjink I'm coming or not. His dad just text DP 2 months ago to say me and BIL GF are welcome to come to the reception but not he actual wedding. This was completely out the blue, I hadn't asked if I could come and neither had DP.

[MiddleClassProblem]

No, it's not, he made an effort to see your family. But I do think it's unreasonable to ask you to help set up. Fil may not have thought about what he was actually suggesting.

Has dp mentioned how much he wants you to go or looking forward to it?

[Aeroflotgirl]

Hell no, and asking you to help set up, when everyone is at the ceremony, is very rude. I would tell Dh to go on his own.

[DinosaursRoar]

When's the wedding, is it weekend after next from what you've said and you've already accepted the invite? (Even if it's DP has accepted on your behalf) If your DP was invited in April, you have only been living together for 3/4 months when the invites went out, less when the list was drawn up, it's a bit more forgivable that they gave you evening only, not whole day invites if there's a chance family hadn't told them you were living together, not just the person dating the cousin of the bride.

I would say go, because its only occassions like this that you will get to meet all of DP's family if they don't live close together and meet up regularly. Why not take 2 cars? You and BIL's GF drive together just to the evening reception, say 'nope' to helping set up.

Waiting 2 weeks before the wedding to decide if you actually fancy going when you have already accepted is pretty shitty thing to do, you will be "that" woman in the family. Your DP will have to make up a pretty good excuse other than "my girlfiend can't be arsed" at this stage. (Assuming yo'uve known about it since July means that's when you accepted your invite/your DP accepted your invite on your behalf)

If you do decide to drop out going, make a decent excuse, and tell them in the next 24 hours - good chance she'll have to confirm numbers 2 weeks before, don't have her pay for a buffet for you that you won't be there to eat!

[MiddleClassProblem]

Also with anxiety my CBT dude keeps saying to me the more you expose yourself to the situations/things that make you anxious, gradually the anxiety decreases as it's the fear of uncertainty that gets you.

[wanchor]

And I would make the effort to meet his family, I pestered him for months about going to see his dad. But I just don't want to go to a wedding when I don't like them. I would go if I had to, that's why I asked if i was being unreasonable to not go.

Also it wasn't really an effort, he got a holiday out of meeting one family and was just spending chistmas evening with us when he met the rest of my dads family and pretty much the same when he met my mums family, wasn't arranged he was just around when they were.

[bloodyteenagers]

I would give it a miss. Having to travel early in the morning, to sit around most of the day alone. And of course expected to set up for an event not attending. To finally be deemed able to make an appearance.

[Mollypollywolly]

If it's going to be a hard unenjoyable evening for you then it's best you don't go.

I do agree it's a good opportunity to meet his family but a wedding is often busy so like PP suggested possibly try arrange something more causal.

[Mollypollywolly]

Hang on..
I've met all his mums family and even went to one of their weddings.
If you're happy to go to that wedding, why not this one?

[DinosaursRoar]

Is it going to be a faff to get all his extended family together outside of family events like weddings, then you probably should get it done.

You said you don't want 2 cars there, any particular reason why not if it'll make life easier for you? If you have 2 cars, why not travel separately so you can go just to the party, and if you are hating it, leave after you've met the various Aunties and Uncles, shown your face and become seen as part of the family? Or could DP go with BIL or get the train so you only have one car that you drive up?

You do seem to be overly complicating something because you do'nt want to go, but the point to say you weren't going was the point you were invited.

[diddl]

So your partner will be there all day & you are invited to the evening reception?

I think tha tif it would be easy to get to just that & meet him there I would go.

If it means hanging about all day waiting fpr it to start, I probably wouldn't bother tbh.

[MiddleClassProblem]

But I just don't want to go to a wedding when I don't like them

But your first sentence on this thread says you've never met them

[temporarilyjerry]

Why would you send a card and present? Surely your DP will take one from both of you.

[wanchor]

DP doesn't want 2 car there as parking isn't free. I also won't be able to go home earlier as DP wants us to stay the night if we do go so we don't have to drive him at 1 in the morning.

Maybe I am over complicating it but I just keep finding reasons to ditch out. I really will not enjoy it.

I'd met his mums family and I was invited to the whole thing. The wedding was also in the town we live in so I would be easier for me to leave early if I wanted too.

[wanchor]

I meant I don't like weddings.

[Heidibb]

We and my husband have been married 6 years, together for 10 and we have 2 sons yet he hasn't met anyone other than my mum and dad, my siblings and my gran. You don't need to meet them, it would be nice too, but you don't have too.

Don't put yourself through something you are uncomfortable with and will make you unhappy.

[Heidibb]

Also if you say it was a hassle to get to meet just his dad then they are clearly not that bothered about meeting you anyway. And if you was only invited 2 months ago it sounds a bit like you were more of an after thought than someone they wanted there.

[helenatroy]

My DH and I were invited to a similar thing a few years ago and it was Also suggested we came ahead and did some organising. We declined. Bride called us before and asked us to reconsider not because she wanted us there but and I quote "you two could organise a party in your sleep". We didn't go but the other guests complained that they had to tidy up at the end of the evening too.

[DinosaursRoar]

Send dp on the train and you drive? Or your dp parks at his dad's house and shares a taxi to he venue with his dad, so you are only parking one car...

2 weeks ahead when you've been invited for a long time seems shoddy, if you were asking back when you got the invite, I'd say don't bother, but it's a bit late now.

[Wigglewogglewoo]

In what universe is 2 months a long time?

I say don't go.

[Topsytoo]

You sound just like Ds1s girlfriend. She hates big events and will often wait until the last minute to say she doesn't want to come.

We'd never make her do anything though, if she wouldn't enjoy it and be unhappy then what use is she there?

I don't think you should go. I doubt they care very much as they waited until 2 months before the wedding to invite you. They won't even notice you aren't there.

[OVienna]

I am a bit confused by this. Is it a very small ceremony, say at a registry office where numbers are strictly limited, and MOST of the guests are only coming to the event you are invited to?

Or is it the case that there is a reception and another party that most of the guests are going to and you've been invited to a minor event in the event (that they want you to help set up? )

If its' the former, I think I'd probably go along with it for the sake of DP.

Can they really be that rude that they've asked you to help for something that is not the main party? It is a pretty rude/odd request I agree.

[xexxsy]

Skimmed thread, how does DP think about things if you don't go?

I also dislike big gatherings where I don't know many people. It's called being an Introvert. We are very intelligent and creative, but we do NOT like small talk for the sake of it or big noisy crowds. It is exhausting. Just saying. Not everyone loves the wedding formula at all...as a guest of course!

I would not go, especially if I was excluded from the ceremony. WTAF?

Anyway, having matured a lot over the years ahem! I very politely decline all non immediate family wedding invitations and send on a present and a card. No one really cares about me or you or anyone else except themselves at the shindig.

I will go to the weddings of my nieces and nephews. I know them, I love them and they reciprocate. I also know everyone there! Anyone else, no. It is just so flippin boring TBH. My worst nightmare is to be seated at a big table surrounded by people I don't know. Talk for the sake of it, and it sometimes is forced to keep the party going!

It is not being anti social. It is doing what you feel comfortable with. Introverts are like that. But we are lovely people too. Watch Susan McCain on Ted Talks about the absolute need for more introverts in the world. She is my heroine!

I know I am not alone. We are all different.