To not go to this wedding?

[wanchor]

DPs cousin, who I've never met (I've only met his dad and his partner and his nan and grandad from his dad side of the family), is getting married next weekend. Me and BILs girlfriend are invited but only to the reception after the meal and speeches not the actual ceremony.

DPs dad and his family live an hour away so that would mean having to drive there with DP as we don't want 2 cars there and wait around for hours or get the train which I don't want to do.

DPs dad suggested me and other girlfriend come up with DP and his brother and help set up the reception whilst they're at the ceremony. sorry if this seems rude but fuck no!!

On top of that, I hate things like weddings. Loud music and lots of drunk people, no I just don't enjoy that.

I really really don't want to go, I'm already starting to dread it. Plus I have to find a nice outfit

WIBU to just say to DP, I'm not going to enjoy it, I'll probably not be very happy as I'll be uncomfortable so I'm going to stay home instead. I'll still set a gift and a card. I just don't want to go to the wedding.

[TaterTots]

I don't get why 'evening invite only' is such a taboo on MN. In the case of couples it seems a bit odd, but if evening invite only means you can invite people you couldn't include otherwise, why not?

OP - to be honest it just sounds like you can't be arsed. It's not that you can't take two cars; you just don't want to pay for parking. You say you don't want to take the train, not that you can't get there by train or that it's a prohibitively long journey. It's not on to ask you to help set up, but personally I would still go to the evening do. You've never met your partner's father's extended family - do you really want their first impression of you to be 'the woman who couldn't be bothered to travel an hour for X's wedding'?

[Doobigetta]

I don't think it's that awful, tbh, especially as you and the brother's girlfriend are in the same position. If you get on ok with her it might be nice to spend the day with her and get to know her a bit better- you might end up being sisters-in-law. It's always good to have allies among your in-laws.

[Wanchor]

DP worked out that I didn't want to go so I didn't have to say anything. He's okay with me not going as he knows I won't enjoy it.

[Witchend]

I suspect the "help set up" is not so much them wanting you to help as giving you somewhere where you can go and be with people during it.
"She won't want to be stuck on her own".
Thinks about it, everyone else wants to be at the wedding, except the few people setting up, so suggests that as basically somewhere to wait.
Personally I'd quite like that, nothing better to get to know people in a nonthreatening way than to be doing stuff together-and I'm quite shy.

But don't go if you don't want to. I don't see it as a biggie either way.

[hazeimcgee]

Is BIL's OH going tl the evening?
Could the blys drive up together then you girls drive up together so there's one car per couple? You could either leave later or go somewhere en route with SIL and have fun before you get there?

[HeddaGarbled]

Well it's not really your P's call about you taking your car. If that's what you prefer to do, that's entirely your choice.

[OVienna]

After what you've described, I think I would also make my excuses.

[MissingPanda]

It you're going to meet the family then if it's a typical evening do then it's not worth it. They tend to come complete with DJ and loud music so you can't even hear yourself think much less hold a conversation. Not exactly the best circumstances to meet and get to know family. Also if your invite only came two months ago, three months after your DP got his then it's a courtesy invitation rather than them really wanting you there.

YANBU

[MiddleClassProblem]

What's in the area and do you and Ms BIL get on ok? Could the two of you see what the town is like before going?

For me it really does depend on how much it means to DP. We do keep asking but it might be getting lost in other questions. Does he really want you to go or is it not such a big deal?

[furryminkymoo]

I think I would go, hop on a train, have a wander around the town before the evening party starts, maybe suggest an early bird early dinner with the girlfriend? Then arrive at the evening party happy, chilled and happy to meet the family that you haven't yet met.

I wouldn't entertain setting up though, that's a bit shit

[wanchor]

Spoke to DP about me driving and he said no way. There's no where to park around there for free and I'd have to leave my car over night if I have a drink. I did remind him that I rarely drink so I'll be fine not having one if I had to drive but he doesn't want to risk it!

So I either get the train or hang around all day.

[MapleandPear]

I find it rude in the extreme to invite one half of a long-term couple all day and one just for the evening.

[FireSquirrel]

I think it's pretty unfair of them to invite your DP to the service and you only to the reception, given that the wedding isn't local to you so you'd have to either travel seperately or hang around all day whilst DP is at the service. You'd think they would've invited you both to the service or DP just to the reception, especially as you've been together a while and not a new relationship. However, I think I'd probably suck it up and go for DPs sake, make an effort and meet his family. I also get anxious in social situations so can sympathise, but most of the attention will be on the bride and there will be at least a few people there who you already know and can make conversation with, so it shouldn't be too awful.

[wanchor]

She's getting married at a church with family and close friends then having a meal with them. Then at like 6 she's having a party where everyone and anyone can come, that's the bit I'm invited too.

[xexxsy]

Skimmed thread, how does DP think about things if you don't go?

I also dislike big gatherings where I don't know many people. It's called being an Introvert. We are very intelligent and creative, but we do NOT like small talk for the sake of it or big noisy crowds. It is exhausting. Just saying. Not everyone loves the wedding formula at all...as a guest of course!

I would not go, especially if I was excluded from the ceremony. WTAF?

Anyway, having matured a lot over the years ahem! I very politely decline all non immediate family wedding invitations and send on a present and a card. No one really cares about me or you or anyone else except themselves at the shindig.

I will go to the weddings of my nieces and nephews. I know them, I love them and they reciprocate. I also know everyone there! Anyone else, no. It is just so flippin boring TBH. My worst nightmare is to be seated at a big table surrounded by people I don't know. Talk for the sake of it, and it sometimes is forced to keep the party going!

It is not being anti social. It is doing what you feel comfortable with. Introverts are like that. But we are lovely people too. Watch Susan McCain on Ted Talks about the absolute need for more introverts in the world. She is my heroine!

I know I am not alone. We are all different.

[OVienna]

I am a bit confused by this. Is it a very small ceremony, say at a registry office where numbers are strictly limited, and MOST of the guests are only coming to the event you are invited to?

Or is it the case that there is a reception and another party that most of the guests are going to and you've been invited to a minor event in the event (that they want you to help set up? )

If its' the former, I think I'd probably go along with it for the sake of DP.

Can they really be that rude that they've asked you to help for something that is not the main party? It is a pretty rude/odd request I agree.

[Topsytoo]

You sound just like Ds1s girlfriend. She hates big events and will often wait until the last minute to say she doesn't want to come.

We'd never make her do anything though, if she wouldn't enjoy it and be unhappy then what use is she there?

I don't think you should go. I doubt they care very much as they waited until 2 months before the wedding to invite you. They won't even notice you aren't there.

[Wigglewogglewoo]

In what universe is 2 months a long time?

I say don't go.

[DinosaursRoar]

Send dp on the train and you drive? Or your dp parks at his dad's house and shares a taxi to he venue with his dad, so you are only parking one car...

2 weeks ahead when you've been invited for a long time seems shoddy, if you were asking back when you got the invite, I'd say don't bother, but it's a bit late now.

[helenatroy]

My DH and I were invited to a similar thing a few years ago and it was Also suggested we came ahead and did some organising. We declined. Bride called us before and asked us to reconsider not because she wanted us there but and I quote "you two could organise a party in your sleep". We didn't go but the other guests complained that they had to tidy up at the end of the evening too.

[Heidibb]

Also if you say it was a hassle to get to meet just his dad then they are clearly not that bothered about meeting you anyway. And if you was only invited 2 months ago it sounds a bit like you were more of an after thought than someone they wanted there.

[Heidibb]

We and my husband have been married 6 years, together for 10 and we have 2 sons yet he hasn't met anyone other than my mum and dad, my siblings and my gran. You don't need to meet them, it would be nice too, but you don't have too.

Don't put yourself through something you are uncomfortable with and will make you unhappy.

[wanchor]

I meant I don't like weddings.

[wanchor]

DP doesn't want 2 car there as parking isn't free. I also won't be able to go home earlier as DP wants us to stay the night if we do go so we don't have to drive him at 1 in the morning.

Maybe I am over complicating it but I just keep finding reasons to ditch out. I really will not enjoy it.

I'd met his mums family and I was invited to the whole thing. The wedding was also in the town we live in so I would be easier for me to leave early if I wanted too.