To be upset about this?

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

I didn't finish my university finals the year I was meant to, but completed them the year after and got a 2.1. (I returned home that year.) I'm now starting a competitive job.

I'm quite sensitive about all of this and my mum in particular took it really badly, saw me as lazy and I think thought I wouldn't see it through. She is an anxious person and supported me throughout though. All about tough love

Fast-forward to now, I have just graduated and about to start job. I have been loafing about the house on my last few weeks of freedom. I am about to start work and as mentioned will be working in a very tough corporate environment - my mum just said "if you foul up next time don't bother coming home".

Aibu to be pretty fucking upset

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

Me cocking up/fouling up etc etc

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

Philipp, we do, yeah, but this is a recurring theme with her...

[phillipp]

As I said, it's not nice.

But we all snap when under pressure, anxious and frustrated. I am sure you have said things to your mum that you regret, at some point.

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

Anyway thanks everyone for the comments!

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

Philipp - yes, that all makes sense. But I find it quite insulting that she thinks so little of me if that makes sense? That I'm so incapable. I worked full time before and was fine. I achieved excellent grades at school and was fine then. The uni thing was the only blip. I find her lack of faith in me quite offensive and it doesn't spur me on, it makes me feel inadequate and incapable.

[phillipp]

Because she supported you through your tough time, you went home and lived there. You have loafed about for the last few weeks and she is cleaning up for your friend coming over.

While what she said wasn't nice, I imagine she is feeling very anxious for you and frustrated with you.

She is anxious if you do fail, she will have help pick up the pieces again.

And frustrated about you loafing and not doing the pots like she asked. You say you know she is a control freak about the house. In my opinion it's her house, do as she asks.

My mum is extremely tidy. You have to eat biscuits at the dining table. I do it because it's her house and that's what she wants.

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

Soozey - well I generally make my own food and do offer to cook for others. I clean up after myself in the kitchen. I would do my own washing but my mother (genuinely) doesn't like me ruining her system so just does it with the rest of the stuff.

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

Gleam - cross-posted, sorry!

[ImperialBlether]

The thing is that when you left home to go to university, your mum would've got used to having her home how she wanted it. It's really tough when adult children move back in, because obviously it's their home, but you are both used to living separately. Things might calm down for your mum once you're living away from home.

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

Gleam - thanks, that's kind of you Fair enough, you're right. I haven't been hugely pulling my weight with the clean up but mainly it's because I find it very difficult to face her when she is anxious/stressed and barking orders at me!

[gleam]

Yes, I am rather lovely. I make my uni student do chores at the same time as doing placements , that I'm driving 70 odd miles a day to.

[SoozeyHoozey]

So by your own admission you have been "loafing about the house"? Does this include doing regular cleaning and chores etc? Or do you get waited on hand and foot?

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

Philipp - it isn't, why, what do you think it would be

[gleam]

The comment itself is unjustified and rather cruel on the face of it. It was hardly a foul up. You got a good degree, be proud of that. I'd only let it slide because of her anxiety.

Equally, I would say its her anxiety behind the tidying up. And, perhaps, the fact that you're 'helping' rather than leading?

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

Gleam - because a lot of it involves tidying clutter and she is very particular about where she wants things. I have done various jobs - cleaned the bathroom, washed the windows, obviously will do my bedroom... Are you always this lovely?

[phillipp]

I think your mums version of this would be very different.

[MetalPetal86]

I would tell her (calmly, when you've had a chance to cool down) that her words have hurt you and are uncalled for.

Well done on the excellent degree (I dropped out then later returned to uni and within a few months of working it was all dim and distant and made no odds whatsoever).

Wishing you success in your new career!

[gleam]

And if it's your friend coming over, why weren't you doing the majority of the tidying up?

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

Gleam do you think the comment is justified though? In my mind they are two separate issues. She is pretty hard work, very very anxious and gets angry at the drop of a hat. which made for a fun, balanced childhood

[EttaJ]

Congratulations and wow, what a horrible thing to say. My DCs would be welcome home at any time for any reason at all. In fact I would LOVE it!

[gleam]

Hmm, that sounds a bit like she had to ask you more than once. I bet she'd see it differently.

[EssentialHummus]

I have an anxious mother, and she can come up with some very offensive stuff along the same lines. I don't think it's an excuse, but knowing that usually allows me to take a deep breath and move on rather than engage.

But, er, yes, start saving for a deposit if you can.

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

I know it's her house but she's a bit of a control freak about stuff like this. And can be very hurtful with her comments!

[mrsfuzzy]

her time table ? oh, dear... best move in with us, we wash up when we run out of clean stuff

[whatmoredoyouwantfromme]

Thanks everyone.

I am prob a bit u too as she is tidying the house ready for a friend of mine coming over. I have been helping with this. She was angry at me because I left some washing up in the sink and didn't do it to her timetable So I think that was what prompted the comment.