to have asked MIL to unbook hotel?

[foreverclockwatching]

Our first baby is due end of September. It is first grandchild for all involved too. A few weeks ago MIL announced she had booked two nights in a hotel for her and her DP to come and stay at 2 weeks after due date. DH and I were a bit about this as she had not discussed this with us. We absolutely want her to come down fairly imminently after the birth (she is its grandmother afterall) but were concerned about the plan to stay two nights as she's not very good at picking up social cues and would be likely to stay from earlyish morning until fairly late at night. Her DP whilst a lovely man is very very dull and I don't know him that well so not sure how comfortable I will be if I am still trying to get the hang of BF. DH is worried that I may only literally just have had the baby when they arrive and we will still be trying to get to grips with things and have visitors for two days. I guess my question is are we being unreasonable to ask her to cancel the two night booking and come for 1 night to be booked when the baby actually comes i.e. one or two days after birth and then to come for a longer period and possibly stay with us when we are a bit more settled? Definitely don't want to upset her.

You or DH (better if its him) need to say "it's lovely you've booked into a hotel, just to warn you though the baby could easily not arrive until xx/xx (latest date I.e. 14 days post due date as minimum) and there's no guarantee we'll be out of hospital straight away, but fingers crossed baby will be here by then.
So do you want to cancel and rebook once baby has arrived just in case?"

If they say no they'll risk it then just say okay well that's fine we'll keep you informed and if baby arrives to schedule we'll be straight on the phone to let you know when you can pop over for a couple of hours

It doesn't need to be a dramatic confrontation, but do make sure your DH will let them know it's time to go, they may have sat there all day last time because no one actually said it was best if they leave, some people just don't pick up on social ques when the 'host' is being polite

MIL has presumably had at least one baby? There's a fair chance she knows they don't always arrive on time. I'd respond positively but say that you may only be up to short visits at that time. It's possible you'll still be pregnant/in hospital. Wait and see how you feel. I expect I'd be willing to travel a long distance and pay for a hotel in order to see my first grandchild for an hour once or twice a day.

Recently I went to see a friend with a week old baby. I'd travelled about 90 minutes each way for a 90 minute visit (although I was already 2 hours from home for another reason). I'd arranged the visit at 2 weeks past the due date when she was about 36 weeks pregnant. I'd have been happy to cancel if she wasn't up to it.

My DB and SIL came up from Cardiff when I was due I ended up get induced the following week so they missed the birth, it is possible especially if it's your first that you will go over your due date.

Not necessarily I was 3 weeks early with pfb

If you're still in hospital, visiting hours are useful. If you're at home it can work too, if you're assertive (not rude). People won't stay all day if you tell them politely they can't. Just say, 'we really need to rest, can we meet again at x time tomorrow?' or 'x needs to happen now'.

Give them a job to do - I've know youve said that they're not helpful but have you ever directly asked for something specific? You could warn now that if they're visiting that early you will be likely to need help.

I had the worst labour, breastfed (all the time) and was overdue. By day three, I was hobbling down to our local cafe so able to get out. I think you'll be fine. Whilst you may be overdue by two weeks, you probably won't.

I think it is a bit PFB! I wouldn't dream of hurting anyones feelings. If you or your husband feel assertive enought to try and put them off their visit then surely you are assertive enough to say ' come over at 2pm' and then steer them out of the house when you have had enough?

I would leave it, if you are still in hospital it will be a bonus as they wont be able to stay long. Its also easier to escape to another room with a really young baby

I second (or third) the suggestion of having visiting windows. Decide how long you want people to be around at a maximum and be firm. Mine was 10 til 2. After that DP would usher them out.

All this was put into place after MIL overstayed her welcome by about four hours (stayed until 9pm after arriving at 12) on day four- after having seen the baby twice already- and I cried for the whole night. Our relationship hasn't really recovered yet. DP had to ask her to leave.

Also, your house, your baby, your boobs. You shouldn't have to hide to breast feed. It is hard enough as it is in the early days without being made to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

I think that if you tell your MIL not to come or to come later, you'll have to be super sensitive about how much your own mother sees of the baby when it's born.

I totally get where you are coming from (I felt the same myself) but now my kids are a bit older the crazy hormones have cleared I do wonder if my kids being closer to my own mum than my MIL is because of me making it a bit harder for MIL to see them than I did my own mum when they were small. I must admit I feel a little bad about that.

I'm not sure how booking a hotel without even having discussed coming to visit beforehand can be classed as "being sensitive"!

YANBU OP.

She sounds like she is being very considerate indeed. If she is "not very good at picking up social cues" your DP just needs to be very straight with her. And do it now- have a chat on the phone and say"it will be lovely to see you Mum, just to let you know that Forever will be pretty tired (as will I probably) so we won't be up to long visits, and of course we don't know how long the baby will have been with us by that point (if at all, ha ha), so we will have to play it by ear. I bet you can remember what it was like when I was a new baby, can't you?"

I wouldn't worry about the husband- he's probably as uncomfortable about the thought of you getting your boobs out in the same room as you are. Again, just brief your DH to stage manage this either by getting him out of the way "Bert, can you come outside and help me with this problem I have with the garden hose?" or by explaining that you are more comfortable feeding in another room and that it might take a while, and keeping them entertained while you do so.

My first baby is due in 2 weeks. MIL and FIL live 3 hours away. We've been clear that they can't come to stay until at least 2 weeks after the baby is born but they say they may come up to meet him briefly a bit sooner, on the understanding that it may be a v short visit compared to the length of their journey. All are fine with that. SIL, who lives near her parents and has kids of her own, has been v helpful managing expectations.

Your PILs are adults, sure they can amuse themselves away from your home over the visit. Perhaps it's 2 nights in the hotel as they plan to arrive late one evening, spend a few hours the next day with you, go out for a nice meal and head home the following morning?

I think you should definitely be clear about visitors - any visitors - not staying for hours on end but really, is it that terrible that your MIL would like to see her first grandchild, even if it is only a few days old at that stage? If she's staying at a hotel and you/your dh are clear about not hanging around your house constantly, then I really don't see the problem.

And while lots of people would want their mum around them at this time, it would really be quite shitty to have for mum there lots because she's 'helpful' but at the same time asking your MIL to reschedule her hotel booking to a later date.

I'm saying that as someone who doesn't overly like their MIL, by the way!

They're stopping in a hotel. I can't see the issue here.

Thanks for feedback everyone. Some really good ideas on how to manage the visit so it doesn't turn into all day hosting which is what I think we've both been worrying about.

I can't see the problem. You can ask them to stay or leave for as long as you like, then send them back to the hotel. Two nights is much more relaxed for them; you don't need to have them at yours all day though.

Let them get excited about their first grandchild but don't be afraid to ask them to actually help as well as just visit.

I can't see the issue either. I think it's reasonable for a woman to want to see her grandchild within the first few weeks of birth. She will only be around for one whole day, it's not as if she is staying for a fortnight.
She is probably excited and is being sensitive by booking a hotel.
Sorry OP but I don't think she is being unreasonable It's one day in months of you having a new infant to love and nurture.
I feel a little sorry for the MIL being thought of as so unwelcome.

Many of us may be in the same situation as this MIL one day and I would be a bit upset at the thought of my DIL denying me the chance to see my new grandchild for a day.

She is being reasonable.

She hasn't booked it yet, just reserved the room so no money has changed hands and she can cancel.

She has allowed two weeks.

She has booked into a hotel not staying in your house.

Your parents live in the same town and from your quote earlier are likely to be in and out, bringing food etc (so seeing the baby).

Live with it, they are the baby's grandparents too. She might be awkward to be around but do your best to assume her best intentions and find a way to enjoy her company.

To be honest I know why you feel upset and worked up about this but I feel sorry for your inlaws. They have booked a hotel 2 weeks after the birth, that's pretty polite and hands off of them. It's you getting yourself all worked up about them coming over from dawn till dusk, have they said that's their plan? They are probably really excited and their plan seems both sensible and considerate of you and your space. I would get DH to say to them that there will likely be large chunks of time where you and baby will be sleeping and feeding each day but that you look forward to introducing them to the baby.

user I don't think she I BU about being worried. Those first few days and weeks are a hard slog. How is asking them to come for a day very early on and then for a longer visit much later unreasonable? It seems fairer on everyone.
I don't understand why threads like this always descend into the new mum being selfish for not granting instant access to the baby to anyone who asks, while being expected to put her own feelings aside. If a sore under carriage/ constant feeding/ working out latch/ milk leaking/ not showered/ sleep deprived etc isn't enough to ask people to stay away or make only brief visits, I don't know what is.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. She's booked a hotel. You don't have to have her round you when you don't want her. If she doesn't pick up social qs you can ask her to leave.

She could always keep the hotel stay but you both outline when she comes to yours.

Explain you will find visitors exhausting and so will need lots of quiet time. Then tell her to come after breakfast at 10am and then maybe she can eat tea near the hotel with DH, then go on to the hotel after.

Two weeks after is quite good timing I found

I will say that these things always seem worse than they actually turn out to be when you get all worked up about them. Be careful not to make a mountain out of a molehill because often what you are left with is a nagging feeling you were being unreasonable and some very hurt relatives.

I never understand these posts. They li e far away and won't be able to pop in and see baby like your family. They are just as much your baby's family as your side is so I think facilitating a relationship is important. My dd is nine now and she is unbelievably close with her grandparents. I might not always get on with them but I've always ensured that had no effect on their relationship

Cosmic she is not anyone . She is the child's grandmother. I think by booking a hotel and waiting two weeks she is being thoughtful. I am a grandma and I know she will be so excited to meet her grand child. Due to distance she will probably never see her grandchild as much as the maternal grandparents so please allow her to meet him/her if only for a short while.