AIBU to expect DH to support us?

[lkm055]

My DH is self employed and works from home and has done since 2009. His business peaked about 2 years ago but since the birth of our 2 DC, the business has declined. He earns approx £500 pcm. I am employed pt and the main breadwinner.
I am off on maternity leave so money is very very tight. I have asked him to get a job to supplement our income which he says he doesn't want to do but will if necessary. I think it's hugely necessary, both to pay out bills and to force him into understanding that he has responsibilities and should be working harder. If he worked more efficiently etc, his business could make 10x what it does as he is very good at what he does.
He is an excellent father, and spends time with the DC but isn't needed for childcare at all just now and won't be when I return to work.
We are surviving on savings (money gifted by family, although they don't expect us to be living off it) but this won't last for long. The business has a few £k in debt which also needs paid.

I love him dearly, but resentment is building now.
AIBU to expect the bills to be paid rather than ignored?

[DoinItFine]

He doesn't need to be a SAHD.

You don't get to just make yourself financially dependent on another person without their agreement, no matter how little you like working.

He needs to either make more money in his business or get a job.

[TheABC]

You need to start allocating tasks, e.g. washing, dog walking sorting out a dental appt. Be specific. He needs to take some of the household burden off you.

Regarding money, come up with a figure you need him to earn in order to be comfortable. Preferably with a margin built in for expensive months. How he does it is up to him, but you need to see progress by Xxx date.

[lkm055]

If I allocate tasks, he does do them. But then never seems to catch up on the work side.
I have given him dates before and nothing changes. I have told him he needs to have a job/income by the end of August. But I haven't seen much progress. I'm done being a nag.

[19lottie82]

"He knows what he's like and he hates it" ?

Sorry no, what a total not even an excuse, cop out!

Tell him to get off his ass and bring in at least FT minimum wage or he can find himself somewhere else to live!

[RandomMess]

Can I suggest you return to work asap as you are clearly financially struggling so much?

Once your DH has done some proper childcare for a while (if you step back and let him find his own way including failures and success) then he may decide he can support you more by doing all of that or may be spurred on to get a part time job as he'll see how much hard work it is whilst it's not brining in any £

[pearlylum]

If I allocate tasks, he does do them.

So still all your responsibility.

He should be seeing what needs done and doing it without being "allocated" a task. This is one of the marks of being a responsible adult.
He doesn't seem to have a very mature approach to life.

I need a grown up man in my life not a teenager.

[DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain]

What is his business? Is it something he could make good money from if he put more effort in or is something that just will never work?

[FoggyBottom]

I have tried to help with admin and setting schedules etc but it's very hard when I have my own job and don't know the ins and outs of the business the way he does.

Is he suited to self-employment? It sounds as though he has an excellent skill-set for a particular job, but not for running his own business. Could he work for someone else? Then his excellent skills would be valued, and his rubbishness at running a business wouldn't matter.

Otherwise, he's a freeloader.

[CookieDoughKid]

Nothing will change unless the ground folds under him. No amount of nagging, lists or setting schedules will work. He needs a fundamental change when there is a risk to him losing everything. That's my dh's opinion btw for this op. And I agree.

[DragonsEggsAreAllMine]

He needs to at least match your salary, how far is he off that and could he increase his self employment to do it?

If you only work part time then it's unfair to expect him to suddenly find a full time role simply because you don't want too work more.

You need to work together, it's not the responsibility of just one.

[Parker231]

He's not a good Dad - doesn't support his family financially, doesn't take responsibility for the home and doesn't look after his children.

[lkm055]

I would work more and I am also undertaking further training to hopefully gain promotion. Me working part time was a decision we reached together. One of the problems is that he's not always honest about how shit it is. Which means I'm often lulled into a false sense of security.
I agree about everything needing to fold beneath him. I just can't let that happen.

[ecuse]

my husband used to be rubbish with routines, noticing what needed to be done, getting the kids out of the house etc. but since he has been a SAHD that has massively changed. its possible that my control freakery before was edging him out of doing stuff, I think? have you read 'wifework'? i learned from that I was 'gatekeeping'! I have had to learn to accept that I he's the primary carer and housework do-er he will do things his way, and I have to deal with that. and, sometimes, his way is better! its not how I would do things, but its what works for him. no way of knowing whether this is your situation or whether your husband I a bit of a knob ;) but worth considering. your OP sounds very similar to our set up a few years ago before OP became a SAHD. has been great for our relationship.

[StealthPolarBear]

" He needs to at least match your salary"
Why? Would you be saying this to the wife of a fairly hearing husband, who has a 'little job'?

[silvermantela]

He might not have to match OP's wage, but it isn't reverse sexism to point out that £500 p/m is less than half full time minimum wage, and he would struggle even as a single man on that - and he is not a single man he has responsibilities, i.e. children that are as much his duty to provide for as OP's.

Fair enough if he was providing needed childcare - that's a fair and equal role for a partner of either sex - but he isn't.

Therefore OP is subsidising him. He wouldn't be able to carry on supporting himself at his current level of income, let alone half of his children's expenses. Would explaining how he is a drain, rather than an assess, to family resources shame him into contributing more OP?

[NameChange30]

Totally agree with Parker.
"He's not a good Dad - doesn't support his family financially, doesn't take responsibility for the home and doesn't look after his children."
In other words, he's a cocklodger.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I think right now your dh just needs to work, whatever that may mean. Befkre we were married, my dh moved in together and he temped until he found a job. There was no minimum wage n 1992. He did removal and packing work. He thought it was great when he got £2.20 an hour instead of £2.00. He had finished studying for his Masters Degree. If he lost his job, Dh would do anything to put food on the table. Yours really does need to get his head out of the sand and help out considerably more.

[DragonsEggsAreAllMine]

The OP is not providing financially for the family either is she needs a second wage .... or is that ok as she female? It's 2016 and we still expect men to work so women don't have to or do a little bit.

He may need to pull his socks up but the OP could be doing more and chooses not to so both as bad as each other.

[MatildaTheCat]

He needs to face it that he's not cut out for being self employed. It's not enough to be great at what you do if you can't market, deal with invoices, tax, customer complaints and everything else that goes along with it.

I know a few people who manage it because their wives do all the admin which is fine if they are willing and able and, most importantly, it makes financial sense.

You need to get tough. Working for £500/ month is just stupid in the long term.

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

It's 2016 and we still expect men to work so women don't have to or do a little bit.

Who is this 'we' of whom you speak? Because it sure as hell ain't me.

[NoahVale]

my dh in similar position. I would come on mn to ask how I can encourage him to earn more.
Apart from cutting back on expenses op, admitting you cant afford stuff. hoping that will force the issue.

[NoahVale]

op did you not make a plan when you went on maternity leave, did you not sit down and work out finances?

[StealthPolarBear]

Just read my last post and "hearing" makes no sense. I wonder what I meant :o

[lkm055]

Yes, we had a plan but it's not working out. I trusted it wouldn't be like this and it is. My plan will be to earn more when I go back but until then it is down to my DH. He doesn't work to his potential which is the frustrating thing. I am not a SAHM, we both need to work. He needs to up his game so we can support ourselves.
Thank you everyone for your input, I really appreciate having an outsider's opinion.

[MammouthTask]

Has he ever had the responsibility to pay the bills recently? I mean beeing fully responsible so that he has a better idea of how much you are struggling and how much he needs to do to work?

Another question is:
Does he need to work more if you are working? Ie if yooou had an organisation where you are the bread winner, he works part time on his business and the rest of the time he is looking after the children AND the house (aka he is a SAHP), would that work for you or him?

The issue that really sticks out for me is that you have the responsibility for bringing some money BUT ALSO the responsibility for the house and the dcs.
In the best world, things like money and looking at her the ds would be shared 50/50. Or one of you would be looking after bringing the money and the other looking after the dcs.
What isn't right at all is for you to be responsible for everything