When other Mums chip in and tell your child not to do something

[Blossom4538]

Not keen when Mum friends tell my DD not to do something. Usually something small, not particularly naughty at all. Or if something I mention to DD, they'll be really harsh and back me up I guess but just feels a little unnecessary. I guess it's because I never do this to my friends kids. Obv if the Mum wasn't there and I was looking after them with my DD then they're my responsibility, but I never really chip in when they are dealing with a small issue and I will praise them but not really tell them not to do something, not my place really. Leave it to the Mum! I'm far from perfect but I've had two Mums do this recently and it gets my back up.


It may just be me and prob more of an issue as my child is diagnosed with anxiety and other struggles, so can be nervous around people. The other Mums are aware.

AIBU?

[Katy92]

I got shouted at by the woman who lives opposite me for stopping/yelling out in horror at her DD running out in front of a car. She only noticed cause her DD screamed as it only just missed her!

Wouldn't pass comment unless it was dangerous or really impacting other people negatively .

[M0nstersinthecl0set]

I just remembered another situation a (former) friend would not bother me with "wait until your mum's finished talking" (first time toddler tried to butt in) but would when she put her hands over her ears and screamed in the face of my daughter (second time).
Seriously OTT behaviour and now that she has a toddler I hope noone scares the shit out of her that way.

[Blossom4538]

Oh, that is ott!!! I would have been furious and quite shocked!

[HeCantBeSerious]

I had to say something when a child dropped sweet papers on the floor on a local park. (I'd watched his younger brother do the same thing about 5 minutes earlier but didn't know who they belonged to.). They were less than 3ft from a perfectly functioning bin.

I asked him, clearly but politely, not to drop his rubbish on the floor as it wasn't very nice for anybody else. He ran off and told his father, who then came to attempt to have a go at me about telling his kid off.

I ran rings around him.

So depending on the age of the child and the incident, YABU.

[Kennington]

I don't mind at all. Kids need to learn about all different types of people. Besides mine rarely listens to me so sometimes it is extremely helpful if someone steps in!

[buildalegohouse]

I doesn't bother me at all if it is my friends or family. I have never experienced strangers doing it, but I think that would rankle.

[flirtygirl]

If its neccesary i dont see why it annoys most of you on this thread, tell your own kids off timely and properly then others would not have to.

Tell mine off for me if they need it please, some kids have no boundaries and the parents shrug and make excuses and that gets on my wick far more than if someone tells off a child even for something that you may not have necessarily told them off for.

It takes a village to raise a child but nowadays we would all rather be detached, that doesnt help us or our children.

[MrsJoeyMaynard]

Depends on the situation.

I think the last time I did that was with one of DS1's classmates (both 4) in the school playground. DS1 "fell" over (extremely theatrically) and lay on the ground. His classmate went and stood on DS1's back. Classmate's mum was there but busy chatting and completely oblivious, so I told classmate that we don't stand on people and to get off DS1 now before he hurt him. I don't think I was at all unreasonable for telling classmate to not stand on DS1.

[totalrecall1]

I have to admit I do this sometimes but only with a certain person who frankly is a wet parent and it's really frustrating to watch. My kids and his kids will be misbehaving I will tell my kids off and he just says nothing, so I end up telling off his too. I think maybe they think you are not dealing with your kids properly ?

[Nataleejah]

I actually hate the opposite. When my child does something i don't want him to do, another adult just smiles and says "Its OK!"

[Witchend]

I've only once had someone do it that really got up my nose.

We were on holiday and someone dh had known a few years back, but I'd never met, was staying in the flat next door. Dd1 was about 2.6yo and I was pregnant with bad morning sickness.
We were going out and she appeared and latched onto us. And the conversation went along the lines of
"Mr W, what did you do after you'd left B'ham... Little W don't pick up that stone..." "... little W don't turn round like that...." "... little W we stop at the road...." etc.

Bearing in mind that throughout this I was holding dd1's hand and she had placed the stone in my hand, we'd both turned round to look at a passing dog etc. I had had enough of her before we'd got to the end of the road. She came with us the entire afternoon like that.
Dh isn't totally observant on such things, but understood when I said no way was she coming with us again.

Usually though when people have intervened it's usually things I haven't seen so I am happy for them to do that. Other than this one time though, it hasn't happened often.

[WanderingStar1]

I'm a bit surprised, tbh. If your DC wasn't doing anything too major, why would anyone intervene? I usually go to the park after school with my DCs, and sometimes, of course, issues arise, but I can't imagine anyone trying to discipline my children if I was there. Even if I am elsewhere in the park, usually a child will come over and say 'your DS won't let xx have a turn on the swing' (DS has ASD and sometimes needs 'managing') and I would go and sort it out. I must admit I wouldn't have a problem with someone sorting it out if I wasn't on the spot, but if I was there, I just wouldn't expect it to happen. Very odd.......!

[MargaretCavendish]

She had failed to concieve and so was venting her anger at that.

'Failed to conceive'? What a nasty way of putting it, and what a cruel assumption about her motivation.

[Mycraneisfixed]

Change your friends.

[BreconBeBuggered]

Some people just can't help it. DS used to bring a friend round to play, and when his mum came round to pick him up, she used to reinforce her own shaky sense of child discipline by shouting at my DS for things that were perfectly acceptable to me in my house. Her own DS would get an even louder talking-to, which he ignored as he was entirely used to it.

Even more infuriating, as a PP says, is telling off your child for being naughty and being told by another adult that it's fine. No, MIL, it is not fine to be cheeky, even if he does sound exactly the way DH did at that age.

[MidniteScribbler]

Sometimes children need to be corrected by other adults.

It's very obvious when they come to school which ones accept that they need to comply with requirements, or have been allowed to get away with things. I even had one mum go so far as to tell me on the first day of school that I was never allowed to correct her DS at school, I had to tell her after school and she would decide if the child should be told off. Bonkers.

[WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat]

flirtygirl, the OP is telling her child off. That's her whole point, her friends are just chiming in pointlessly.

I've had a friend who behaved similarly, and it was fucking infuriating. I say had because one day I'd just had enough of her.

What made it even worse, was that she fucking jumped all over my 1.5 and 2.5yo dcs, berating them for every little perceived slight, whether it was something that they had done wrong and I was in the process of dealing with, or something they were doing which I didn't have a problem with (getting dirty, building towers of blocks and knocking them over etc), while simultaneously letting her 4.5yo behave terribly, take my dcs toys off them, shove them around, wreck my house, tantrum, without raising an eyebrow at her little angel!

I have to say, my DC and I are much happier without her 'help'.

[Upthetree100]

Probably get slated for this but I don't have children (yet-and anyway I don't think it's relevant but you probably will)
what really really drives me crazy is family and friends who have THE most irritating/naughty children ever and the parent will just be all 'oh isn't he/she sweet' 'he/she has a temper he he' 'she/he are just expressing themselves' or just ignore their behaviour and the kid's running laps around you throwing things at you or just running around destroying everything in its path. Like, is this a thing? Why do parents not say anything. Sometimes I feel like they pretend not to notice because they're worried people might think they have no control if they start to lose it, and sometimes I think they're just plain rude!
I never discipline or even aknowledge that I think the child's being naughty (unless they're REALLY irritating me and then depending on the age in a light hearted way will get them to piss off or I will move) but I can't help thinking that the parents are being rude and wonder why on earth they all seem to act this way?!?

[WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat]

but I can't help thinking that the parents are being rude and wonder why on earth they all seem to act this way?!?

All? None of my friends who are parents (all of them) act this way, I don't act like this. I'm sure you have come across some parents who let their kids run riot, I have too, but it's far from "all" parents.

You get ineffectual parents, the same as you get useless dog owners, rude people in shop queues etc, it's just the way they are. But it's certainly not "all" parents, far from it.

[Sierra259]

I have occasionally have to do this with my nephew as he not infrequently hits/pushes my DC1 when he gets a bit overexcited. I only do it however if his parents did not witness it - I would always give them a chance to intervene first unless my DC or property are likely to be imminently damaged!

[Upthetree100]

wherethe thanks I knew I could trust someone to pull apart how I phrased it

obviously I do just mean that it seems that way from the people I've come across lately. (Recent MN threads make me think it's not just me)

As DH says best not speak too soon it's obvious parents don't see what other people do when they look at their kids.

I will try to give you an example without outing myself....
Professional career people, good morals, assertive in other parts of life, the kid doesn't share/refuses to share with other children, becomes screamy and tantrumy when doesn't get what he/she wants - they don't bat an eyelid.
Another has a child who picks up, breaks drops, spills pretty much everything - not a word.
obviously at mine I will stop the behaviour (2nd scenario) but nobody would then speak to the child to stop it from happening again because it's adorable apparantly. it's really fucking not

I'll stop derailing the thread now I just think it depends on the situation it should be okay in some situations to tell off a child but clearly parents don't appreciate this. I can understand the 'being backed up' bit though that would piss me off.

[honkinghaddock]

I wouldn't like it but most parents don't have the knowledge or experience of how to manage ds and may not recognise what is bad behaviour and what is just behaviour.

[RubyCav]

Well it depends if you are impacting me or not. If you are wet parenting and your child is still being naughty and it affects me I will say something.

This ^ . The fact that you have multiple friends doing it does make me wonder if its you being too soft/ ineffective. Sorry. I have never had a problem with people stepping in. I will step in when parents CBA and it effects me or my DC (I.e. when a child of 9-10ish was kicking and pushing my not quite 3yr old DC off the slide and his lazy arse parents wouldn't get involved. That is until a tough little 5ish yr old punched the nasty child for kicking him, then they went ballistic)

[OhMrBadger]

The whole 'it takes a village' idea is true, but it's curious that this often seems to only apply in the disciplining of children. In my case, I don't see my SIL or BIL helping in any other aspects of child-raising (changing nappies, feeding, bathing, putting to bed etc etc).

Someone already said upthread that people who discipline other children in front of their parents are occasionally trying to assert control over something. Just like people who seem to go out of their way to be rude to sales assistants or waiting staff.

[Didiplanthis]

I will intervene if my child is getting hurt if that parent doesn't. My child's welfare is more important to me then someone else's perception of parenting.