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AIBU?

When other Mums chip in and tell your child not to do something

78 replies

Blossom4538 · 03/08/2016 19:36

Not keen when Mum friends tell my DD not to do something. Usually something small, not particularly naughty at all. Or if something I mention to DD, they'll be really harsh and back me up I guess but just feels a little unnecessary. I guess it's because I never do this to my friends kids. Obv if the Mum wasn't there and I was looking after them with my DD then they're my responsibility, but I never really chip in when they are dealing with a small issue and I will praise them but not really tell them not to do something, not my place really. Leave it to the Mum! I'm far from perfect but I've had two Mums do this recently and it gets my back up.

It may just be me and prob more of an issue as my child is diagnosed with anxiety and other struggles, so can be nervous around people. The other Mums are aware.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

AliceInUnderpants · 03/08/2016 20:09

Can you give us some specific examples of the behaviour and how you were dealing with it?

needastrongone · 03/08/2016 20:09

What exactly OP? Then it's easier to see what you mean.

Blossom4538 · 03/08/2016 20:10

PinkBallerina, I can certainly poss see this in two Mum friends. One has particular struggles which she is trying to deal with but is v confident (or seems so) and will talk and talk to anyone. In fact, they both can talk, lol!!

OP posts:

LyndaNotLinda · 03/08/2016 20:14

What kind of thing do you mean? I agree with other posters - if more than one person has stepped in, then you might want to consider stepping in earlier.

ToxicLadybird · 03/08/2016 20:14

You need to give some examples otherwise there's no way to tell if YABU or not.

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 20:14

it's not an issue with my group of friends because we're all the other way, we love that we treat each others kids as our own, this means we'll scoop them up if they fall, wipe their noses for them, make sure they've had a drink look after them, but equally tell them off.

It's lovely that the kids can go to any of the adults in our group who happen to be nearer than their mum and will be lookeda after.

Blossom4538 · 03/08/2016 20:15

NannaWife...yep, def depends on situation. In our case, def hasn't been necessary. One Mum is lovely but can occasionally make me feel a little small and this makes it worse.

OP posts:

MotherKat · 03/08/2016 20:15

Hmm, I always appreciate a bit of extra mum back up and will often chip in with a "now you listen to your mum" or something similar as I like it myself, I had never realised it was an issue, I shall stop.

M0nstersinthecl0set · 03/08/2016 20:16

It definitely depends. A woman in my street considers it outrageous that I asked for an apology from her daughter who swore at me in my own home (stupid ugly fucking bitch - she was five).
I get twitchy when my brother asks my daughter to stop reading her book and join in conversations (when sat next to our mum also reading).
For the main part I expect my children to apologise if they've had their behaviour corrected. They have to learn there are different tolerances out there. Anyway how else do you learn your best face?

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 20:18

Hmm, I always appreciate a bit of extra mum back up
me too, there's a particular cafe in my town where the owner will always wave a finger at my kids if they're not listening to a word I say, I love it! I can go there when I'm having a bad day with them and I get backed up rather than quietly judged from afar and left to struggle.

Also still feel grateful to a random old man who stopped and told DD off for me when she had flung herself on the street and I was almost in tears because I was struggling to get her home with all the tantruming. Saved my day he did! everyone else was just looking and walking past.

Blossom4538 · 03/08/2016 20:18

Also, I guess it's if I pick her up on something straight away, but they feel the need to say it to them also. Just leave it!! She's listened to me and doesn't need you now saying it to her too!!

OP posts:

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 20:20

I think it sets a really bad example to children if non parents cannot speak up if the child is rude to them

I want my children to speak up for themselves if someone treats them badly, but if nobody but me speaks up to them when they are the ones being rude/treating people badly…what does that say to them??

Surely it's fair enough for the person who is bumped into/not thanked/etc to be the ones to say so. As you would adult to adult.

Nannawifeofbaldr · 03/08/2016 20:24

In which case Blossom pick them up on it.

You can get away with saying pretty much anything if you do it in a nice voice with a smile.

Blossom4538 · 03/08/2016 20:24

It'll be things like, I didn't want her to trap her fingers in cupboard doors but then the other mum (first time visiting our house) immediately and quite forcefully repeated it and went a bit ott. Think it freaked my little girl out a little. And the prev example, of
Don't drag your toy/cardi on floor as may get dirty. Don't drop your cycling helmet, etc etc - almost forcing her to try toilet when she didn't want to. Just chipping in when I ask her not to do something - nothing really naughty.

OP posts:

Summerbloodyholidays · 03/08/2016 20:27

Those who know ds very well, know my expectations of him and know how to deal with him ( he has sn), I don't mind. Random people saying something would annoy me as they may well make the problem worse.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 03/08/2016 20:27

It's a bit of a minefield. Two friends of mine fell about something similar. Friend A (mother of the 'carrier bag kid'!) has two DC's aged 7 & 10; friend B has two DD's aged 1 & 3. Friend A would constantly be snapping at the toddlers for running about which would make Friend B feel stressed and also a bit down about herself. I think age is definitely a factor here too. Things that may be forgiveable in very small children, are perhaps less acceptable in older ones.

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 20:28

If I saw another adults cardi dragging on the floor I'ld tell them. I also would jump to stop any child from trapping their fingers if I was nearest to them, even if the mum warned them from further away… and I would be upset if a friend was sitting nearest my LOs and just sat there and didn't jump up to help if my LO was doing something dangerous.

But it's okay to be different like that, you just need to find your tribe. I like being friends with people who will scoop mine up if they happened to be nearer and vica versa

Lucyccfc · 03/08/2016 20:30

As other posters have said, it depends on the situation. With my Nephew, (who's behaviour can be challenging), I don't get involved unless he is in my house. My DSIS just lets him do what he wants and gives up telling him off. My house, my rules and I will tell him off, even if my sister is there.

In her house, I just leave her to it and ignore his behaviour.

PinkBallerina · 03/08/2016 20:31

There is a big difference between mums stepping in when adult intervention is needed because the kid or another kid could get hurt and mums taking an opportunity to have an unnecessray rant at another kid.

SIL used to always try to discipline my DCS, like for example when DD spilt a drink in my kitchen she would step in and say "oh what a silly clumsy thing to do, as if your poor mother doesn't have enough to worry about than clean up after you all the time tut tut". She had failed to concieve and so was venting her anger at that. Now of course she has her own DC nobody can say anything to her PFB

cornishglos · 03/08/2016 20:32

My mum does this all the time, despite hardly ever visiting. PinkBallerina, you've made me feel a lot better about it.

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 20:35

I don't like it if someone tells my kids they have to eat everything on their plates if they're full. But if they're beside my kid and my kid is being annoying - kicking the table or messing with food, I don't mind them expressing that it's bothering them even if I've also told them to stop.

I would hope my kids would express if someone was bothering them so why shouldn't adults do similar with them?

PinkBallerina · 03/08/2016 20:38

Happy to help cornish

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Ellybellyboo · 03/08/2016 20:42

I think it totally depends on the situation. There's a big difference between someone jumping in to stop a child trapping their fingers or something like that, and my MiL actually jumping in when I'm already telling my DD off.

It was never for anything particularly serious and she'd jump in and tell DD off for stuff like dropping a fork, plus she is so inconsistent that none of us ever really knew what was allowed and what wasn't - for example she had a load of crystal animals on her coffee table. SiL's kids (same age as DD) were always allowed to play with these animals, but if DD so much as looked at them MiL would jump up and tell her off, but if I got in first and told DD not to touch the animals MiL would say "oh, it's ok, she can play with them"

lalalalyra · 03/08/2016 20:48

I've stopped seeing a friend with our kids now for over-parenting mine. It's really irritating when I say to DD "Now, don't touch that" and even if DD instantly complied she'd be right in there "Yes put that down now. You do what your Mummy tells you. That's very naughty. Etc Etc." Or if I've told one of mine off for something - say DS swinging on a chair in a cafe. I've already dealt with it, given a consequence if it happens again, and she felt the need to jump on him as well giving him a longer lecture than I already did. I despise children being told off twice for the same thing unless it really merits its. It just turns a reasonable telling off into something that makes a child feel was really unfair and therefore they are less likely to learn whatever lesson they need to learn.

In the group of friends we all quite happily tell each others kids' off, whoever is closest tends to deal, but she had to just add her 2p in. She insists it's 'back up' but its not.

Ragwort · 03/08/2016 20:54

As others have said it totally depends what it is but in general terms, yes I am happy for other people to 'discipline' my child - I strongly believe in the 'it takes' a village' ethos and I think too many of us pussy foot around situations rather than just deal with them.

The sad fact is that often our children will take notice of what another adult says rather than listening to their own parent ,

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