To think you shouldn't start toilet training someone else's child?

[FeelingStupid2015]

DM was looking after DS (2) recently and took it upon herself to start potty training him with no prior instruction or consent from either me or DH.

We haven't started the process ourselves yet as we don't feel he is completely ready and with a new baby, we want to make sure he feels settled into the new family dynamic before we embark on it. We also want a clear run without any other engagements, so that we can fully devote ourselves to the process.

I'm aware that we need to choose our battles with DM, and it goes without saying that we are eternally grateful for her childcare help when we require it.

However, AIBU to think that she is wrong to start toilet training Ds without any prior discussion with us? I feel it's a decision that should be made by us as parents and no-one else.

[Lweji]

People who are this precious about something like potty training should either pay someone to mind their children according to strict instructions or become stay at home parents.

If we are leaving them with grandparents and for free I'd be happy for them to act somewhat like parents. Certainly with more independence than a paid professional, whose judgement I'd also trust.

Apparently children can be raised by the village just as long as parents remain in full control.

[Twirlyme]

If doing a wee on a toilet is going to be one of the biggest milestones in my child's life, I think I'll just give up now!

[Gottagetmoving]

Not her place to do so. Just another lonely women playing mummy when she should be grandmother

Is she lonely?
I think she is being a grandmother - not playing Mummy.
Why would you assume she is playing anything?

[Bastardshittits]

YANBU

My MIL was obsessed with my DD learning to 'use the pot' and I had to stop her. She seemed to think catching a wee in a plastic container from the age of one was 'potty training' I'm sure my DH is an anal retentive due to her!!

I don't do potties, I hate shit smeared on plastic it makes me gag. I don't think sticking a potty down in the middle of the front room and gawping at a child trying to urinate is very nice either! Also changing between nappies and pants is confusing for them. I leave it a bit later, usually 2yrs 9mths and put them straight on the loo as by them they are able to undress, get on the loo, wipe, flush, dress themselves and wash hands. DS1 was reliably dry in 48hrs and DD and DS2 were sorted within 24hrs, never to use a nappy during the day ever again.

[milliemolliemou]

This is bizarre IMHO. I'd be asking GM for tips on what she was doing and follow through. If she's having success then what's wrong? If she's doing quite a bit of the childcare for which OP says she and her man are grateful, then perhaps she would prefer to be looking after a potty-trained child rather than endless nappies? Clearly OP's DS might backtrack when the baby comes along but not necessarily. And OP and husband may be rather too involved in the new baby to "fully devote themselves to the process" of potty training. On top of which DS will be inordinately proud of himself when he achieves it.

[humblesims]

YABU its potty training not brain surgery. What rules? Seriously if you've got rules about it then youre over thinking it. You'll look back on this later and cringe. You're being very precious. You should be grateful you DM is being so helpful.

[mrsfuzzy]

chasing around with a potty clearing up pee and shite is hardly a mile stone moment for many parents i wouldn't have thought but everyone to their own. your dc your rules though.

[mrsfuzzy]

gipsy i'm thinking you sound a tad disrespectful in the grand scheme of things, just an thought why does that make gm 'lonely' just because she's helping out ? i'm sure she's got far more interesting things to do rather than clearing dc's bottom and washing out a potty. hardly fun unless you're of that way of thinking.

[davos]

My mum took it upon herself to potty train Ds. I couldn't have been happier. She had him for weekend and it was all sorted. Best favour ever.

It's hard to comment since the op hasn't clarified anything.

[user999]

Yanbu.

My mil did something similar. I was in hospital after having dd3. She was looking after dd2 who was not yet 2. Mil was constantly asking when I was going to potty train and I had explained she was not ready. After she dropped her back she told me she had put dd2 on the toilet and she had screamed and screamed. Why did she feel the need to do this when I had explained she has no bladder control yet and would be buying a seat to go on the toilet.

[DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain]

She should have mentioned it first so YANBU. But if she provided weekly childcare I would respect her experience and the fact she would prefer to look after potty trained child rather than one in nappies.

What did she actually do?

[228agreenend]

Definitely should have discussed it with you first.

You are definitely right in that you want her to feel settled in the new family situation. Plus, a newborn is hardwork in itself,,without the added stress of watching for accidents etc.

I think she overstepped the mark by introuducing without consultation with you first.

[motherinferior]

I personally am eternally grateful to DD1's CM who sent her home in pants one Thursday saying firmly "she's not coming back in a nappy on Monday".

DD1 is now 15 and has been in pants ever since.

[MrsMook]

YANBU. There's more than one way to do it. My DCs bypassed the potty and went straight to toilets anyway. Thank God I've only ever had to scrape one sloppy shit out of a potty from when I was dabbling with an early attempt on the oldest. (I found thst the pants off approach just resulted in puddles on the floor with no concious thought).

I can't be doing with my mum's idea of routinely plonking a young toddler on a potty until you get some lucky strikes and call it trained. When mine were trained that bit later, they were reliably using toilets.

Whatever method is being used has to be consistent and work for the parents. Nursery and I discussed toilet training and we had a strategy that worked for both parties.

[FeelingStupid2015]

Hi all, thanks for all your replies. I knew I could rely on you lot to provide a balanced perspective.

In answer to the questions, what DM actually did was plonk DS on a potty after lunch and then was delighted when he wee-ed.

Yes , she does have form for being controlling. I feel she has undermined me and DH in an important aspect of DS's development. We don't want DS put off and TBH, we had intended to skip the potty altogether and go straight for the toilet.

I appreciate everyone's views, which is why I posted here.

I still can't help feeling that the issue is a display of disrespect and that she is trying to rush something that my son is not fully ready for.

[Lweji]

If it helps, my main indications that DS was ready were that he could wee at will, he could go hours without a dirty nappy and (he was over 3 then) he was also dry at night.

Apart from that, nothing. He never said he had a dirty nappy (not even for poo), nor showed any interest.

Starting to getting him used to peeing when his bottom is naked is only a start.
The whole decision to stop wearing nappies is quite different. If your son wasn't upset, I'd say go for it, and start asking him if he wants to pee in the toilet before bed, or when he gets up.

Yes, it could have been borne out of control, but I wouldn't be seen to be affected in any way. Or she could just see it as natural, as you hadn't discussed it before or asked to be in full control of potty training.
It may genuinely not have occurred to her that this was something you wanted to be in control of. Even from this thread you can see that many people wouldn't be particularly bothered.

I'd be asking myself why I wanted to be in control of this, really.

[Ericaequites]

Waiting to potty train a child is silly. The adults are in charges, not the child. Disposable diapers cost the earth, and keep children so dry they don't dislike being wet.

[Missgraeme]

Surely potty training should be casual /stress free for the child? Not a big planned drama! Sounds like she is being helpful and saving u a job!! Not like the first poo in a potty needs a big celebration and u gonna miss it!!

[Lweji]

The adults are in charges, not the child
Good luck with that.
When your child can't pee outside the nappy and holds it all in until he wets himself and cries his heart out, then let me know who's in charge.

[EeksyPeeksy]

I hated potty training so if someone wanted to introduce it to my DD I would have told them to cracking on.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Waiting to potty train a child is silly. The adults are in charges, not the child. Disposable diapers cost the earth, and keep children so dry they don't dislike being wet

I don't get this "let's wait, they get it in a week once they are three or more shit my kids starts school in 6 weeks and isnt potty trained yet.... theory either"

If there are pimento. Be problems I'd rather give myself a bit longer to solve them/seek help/advice. Sometimes leaving stuff just back fires as habits are harder to break the longer they go on.

But it's parental choice at the end of the day and if it's not going to be followed through or ghetto parents aren't remotely prepared in having pants or toilet seats etc it's a waste of time. Wasn't the grandma's choice to make and if the kids kicks off that they don't want to wear nappies anymore then it's mum and dad dealing with it...

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Going to be

Ffs phone

[icy121]

Pfb much.

[Lweji]

It's a joint thing. It doesn't work well if the child isn't prepared/doesn't cooperate. You can put a child in pants, and even to manage to put a potty under them when you think they need to pee/poo, but then if you have 10 accidents during the day, they are not potty trained.

No point in waiting too long just because you want to do it yourself, or you have set a week to do it, either.

Just go along with what the child is ready for, what's convenient for the family, and the children's carers.

[Floggingmolly]

An important part of DS's development. You're being incredibly anal fixated on this; they all progress to the toilet at some point, just like they all drink from glasses rather than bottles or sippy cups.
Do you organise all aspects of your child's "development" with such military precision?
Did he walk and talk when he was supposed to? Learning to piss in a pot rather than a nappy is only important when it's happening, it's really not the developmental "milestone" you're making it into.