To think you shouldn't start toilet training someone else's child?

[FeelingStupid2015]

DM was looking after DS (2) recently and took it upon herself to start potty training him with no prior instruction or consent from either me or DH.

We haven't started the process ourselves yet as we don't feel he is completely ready and with a new baby, we want to make sure he feels settled into the new family dynamic before we embark on it. We also want a clear run without any other engagements, so that we can fully devote ourselves to the process.

I'm aware that we need to choose our battles with DM, and it goes without saying that we are eternally grateful for her childcare help when we require it.

However, AIBU to think that she is wrong to start toilet training Ds without any prior discussion with us? I feel it's a decision that should be made by us as parents and no-one else.

[augustwashout]

But each child and GP are different.
Mine might well be trained by now if DMil had not forced the issue.

[Lweji]

We need to know what the woman did.

For example, after a bad start, eventually I started encouraging ds to pee in the toilet (not on, as he often does now ). It wasn't forced and it wasn't intensive toilet training. He did it if he wanted to or not.
Putting her on the potty for several hours until she pees/poos, would be a different thing and I'd discourage that.

[Ringadingdingdong]

prac we may well have been, but from what she says it was a case of constantly sitting us on a potty and taking it everywhere she went. Rather than knowing when we needed to go and asking.

I just think it's not something you want to undertake with a new baby in the family. Her DS will be unsettled and op will not be in the right frame of mind herself imo.

[murmuration]

i think it really hinges on what you mean by toilet training.

Having a potty available, introducing the idea, and seeing if he wants to sit seems fine. A full on, 'let's get it done in a few days' approach - no.

[FiveFullFathoms]

What has she actually done?

If she's just noticing a child hasn't had a wet nappy for a while, putting them on the loo and then praising them for doing a wee that would be fine IMO. We did that with both DCs before we really started 'training'.

If she's marching them to the potty kicking and screaming every half hour and not letting them get off until they've done a wee that's less fine.

[gillybeanz]

I can't understand your problem with this, isn't it what nursery would do?
Do they speak to parents about the right time for them or do they just get on with it, I can't remember.
We found it best during summer as they could run around with no bottoms on, it took a few weeks but certainly no need to work around engagements and devote time to it.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

The problem is she's not prepared for it. Simple things like having pull ups and pants in the house. Or a potty or toilet seat etc

And they want to get themselves settled with the new baby before dealing with it.

[WingsToFly]

YANBU

You and DH are trusting your intuition about timing and readiness and I strongly agree with your thoughts about this - strongly agree with you that he needs to feel very settled about his new siblng.

Do you know what her preferred methods would be? Has she shown over investment or personal agenda about other milestones?

My DGM was very invested in these things and was quick to tell her DIL about all my 'achievements' (I was the 1st GC and her DIL had my cousin 2 months later). So she initiated potty training and my mother, very young, didn't protest.

[AChanceAtSchool]

"well a bit of pre potty training is quite helpful, talking about it and letting them know what it's for and seeing if they grasp the idea. You don't have to do it all in a week one day when they are 3, it can be a longer process. I can't imagine she sees it as a big deal and it wouldn't bother me if my parents or in laws did this."

Agree

[Rainbow]

It depends on what you mean by potty training. There is 21 months between my middle two DSs and DS3 asked my mum if he could go wee after he saw DS2 do one. She sat him on the potty and he did go. That really was the beginning and 2 weeks later he was dry. He was around 2-2 and half. It my circumstances it would have been silly to for her to say no and put him backwards (and I didn't have much training to do only one day a week😊). I would have a general chat about how this came about but at the same time, you leave him in her care and trust her to look after him. She needs to have a certain amount of leeway to make some one the spot decisions or it won't work x

[willitbe]

I personally think that it depends on the reaction of the child, rather than the particular action of the gp or parents.

If the child is happy, then great. If it is stressing the child, then no it should be stopped.

Potty training if stressful is unlikely to be successful!

I

[OhHolyFuck]

I've attempted for the millionth time to start potty training ds2 again today, wish I had someone who'd bloody do it for me

[BluePancakes]

Depends what she has done. When I was a nearly 2, my mum was in hospital with pre-eclampsia, and in the week before my sister was born, I stayed with my GPs and my GM toilet trained me, day and night, in a week. My mum was happy with the result.

Fast-forward 25 years, and my DD1 was nearly 2. We stayed for a few days with my GPs (so my DD's GGPs) and my GM took it upon herself to potty train my DD. I had gone out for a walk, returned and found DD1 sat upon a potty, being fed chocolate buttons. Apparently she was to stay there until she had done a wee/poo. I put a stop to that(!) but apparently that was the method that had worked with me when I was a kid.

I know my DD1, and she is very like me. She would have happily sat there all day being fed chocolate buttons, and would have made no difference to any "training". When she did finally train, in her own time, she didn't have a single accident.

[AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads]

My siblings and I were all potty trained by 2 years old. I think it was the way things were done then. I don't know if there were more accidents then though.

I don't really potty 'train', it's more a long process of spending more and more time without a nappy on whilst the potty is around. DD has wet the bed once in nearly 3 years of not wearing a nappy, and that was about 4/5 weeks after first not having a nappy on overnight and had a handful of accidents during the day, mostly connected with being too busy playing to be bothered to go to the toilet!

I also use cloth nappies, and can imagine why people wanted their children out of nappies sooner rather than later. Lots of wet underwear is easier to deal with than having to soak and wash nappies thank fuck for modern washing machines, but probably more hassle than just chucking disposables in the bin.

DS is currently only in nappies at night, because he takes them off in the day saying they are 'too wet', he's 2 1/2. That was a clear sign of readiness to me

[GipsyDanger]

Not her place to do so. Just another lonely women playing mummy when she should be grandmother

[CustardOmlet]

It would be helpful to know what level of potty training she is doing, if it's introducing the potty and having bare bum time, that is different to reward charts. DS was having bare bum at DM and encoraged to sit in the potty at CM and MIL months before we took the leap, but I'm glad he had those experiences before I started formal potty training.

[WalrusGumboot]

I really don't think the 'level' of training should matter. A discussion with mum and dad on important issues like this should be had prior.

[Floggingmolly]

That's a nasty comment, Gypsy . She's looking after her grandchild; either giving op a break or saving her money on childcare.

[mrsfuzzy]

saves you doing it if she cracks the case though , potty training is over rated imo why on earth would anyone want to train a potty and to do what ? [misses point of whole thread]

[practy]

I agree Molly. But on MN it is common for any woman who takes an interest in young children to be described as lonely.

[practy]

I think if you could drop a toddler off at a potty training academy every day for a few weeks or a moth, and then have them potty trained, that would be heaven for many parents.

[GipsyDanger]

What it boils down to is respect. She doesn't respect her dil otherwise why wouldn't she mention she's starting one of the largest milestones in a child's live?

[Floggingmolly]

Oh ffs, it's hardly comparable to taking him to see Santa for the first time, is it? It's one of the "milestones" I'd happily have bypassed.

[practy]

I'll take the Santa and MIL (who is sadly in reality dead) can take the toilet training.