To not make my daughter share

[1AngelicFruitCake]

Went to local park yesterday and walked into the sandpit area with my daughter (just turned 2) and a boy (turned out he was 3) came straight up to her and said 'I want it!' and took the bucket and spade off her and started playing. My daughter just stood there and tried to get it back but he continued to dig. I said loudly 'X, just let him have a go with your bucket and spade' thinking a parent would realise and come over. His dad approached, said hello to me and proceeded to watch as his son continued to play and my daughter watched. I then said 'Right, it's X's go now' and when he didn't hand it over I gently took it from him. Dad just watched. Was I unreasonable?

[robusttoday]

but maybe this is the normal rough and tumble way of things, and little children deal with all these normal everyday things that have happened since the world began , and maybe all parents can breath, relax and know that their little ones will cope. However, No, you are NBU.

[Missgraeme]

Maybe helped her dig a large hole and push the little shit in?

[purplefizz26]

If kids are at soft play/ playgroups/ park/ etc there is an expectation that kids will share everything that is available to play with. I insist my DD shares in these kind of scenarios, I encourage taking turns, if she snatches I ensure it is handed back and she waits her turn.

Taking someone else's property isn't ok, and I actually wouldn't force my kid to share in that situation. Obviously young children don't always understand this, but I would explain it belonged to my DD and take it back. But depending on the age/attitude of the child and the way the parent handled it I might let the child have a turn if they waited patiently.

At play dates I insist DD shares all of her toys with the other child.

[Chlorinatedfrontbum]

Man this sort of thing pisses me off. I was once in a coffee shop and a 'noisy' dad came in with his young daughter. First he asked her if she deserved a hot chocolate, then he MADE her share her marshmallows with his adult friends. Boiled my piss and I had to bite my tongue not to say anything. Would he have shared his marshmallows?!? Doubt it.

[sykadelic]

I actually don't agree with the way many people teach their kids to share. I read this awesome article that talked about how basically we're not teaching our kids to share, we're teaching them that instant gratification is okay (taking what we want when we see it) and that if someone else wants what we have that's more important than what we want.

Instead, the article talked about teaching your kids to WANT to give someone else a turn, to love the feeling it gives them to make someone else happy, but at the same time not giving up what they want and deserve just because someone else wants it too.

I can't find the original but here's one with a similar sentiment: www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/its-ok-not-to-share

I also don't agree with sharing personal property in public because that's how people lose stuff so a "I'm sorry but that's mine" is perfectly okay, even if you're not currently using it (just like I wouldn't be okay with another unknown adult digging through my bag without permission simply because they wanted gum/change/to borrow my car).

Of course people coming to your house is different and then anything you're not playing with is okay to be played with (as long as it's not breakable or delicate of course).

[candykane25]

On holiday recently I had binoculars round my neck. A little girl came up and ask to try them. I did and she walked off with them! DH followed her and tried to retrieve while they got passed around several kids. He finally insisted they be returned and the kids said why? Not one parent stepped up.
The issue I think is parents not supervising.

[Henbythesea]

embo1 your ds sounds lovely and spontaneous sharing is definitely great but young children aren't hard wired to do it, it comes with time. A child who doesn't share all the time isn't necessarily spoiled or all 'mine, mine, mine'. We have a rule that if you are not happy to share a particular toy with friends, then it stays at home or inside. And it works both ways, if someone doesn't want to share with them, we respect that and move on. I think forced sharing brings about possessiveness, as a pp mentioned i think.
After having written all that, I do think that some children arent shown how to respect other's property and just assume all is for them!

[embo1]

Just reread OP... as you'd only just arrived and your daughter hadn't even had a chance to play yet, I think I would have stepped in and said "maybe you can have a turn once Flossy has had a go"...

[MrsHulk]

I'd have immediately taken it back from him saying firmly "it's not nice to snatch, this is dd's toy". I really don't think children should be forced to share toys

[embo1]

I have had similar experiences, but still choose to teach my son (3) to share. It's lovely to see him offer his toys to others or when he plays together with other children who also share, but awful when he shares and others don't share with him. But I'd rather he become a considerate human being than a spoilt 'mine mine mine' brat. But, if another child won't give his toy back after a while, I wouldn't hesitate to take it back, explaining that it does belong to my son. If it causes further problems, I'd put it away. I hate it when parents can see a toy is causing problems in eg. a soft play, where children can reasonably expect to be able to play with anything there, but don't do anything about it. I don't take his favourite toys when other kids will be there.

Having said that, it's not unreasonable at all to reclaim your toys whenever you want, especially when you leave.

[1AngelicFruitCake]

No, I realise I initially expected her to share. I think the dad knew they were hers but I accept that he might have thought my child had let him have a go. I think I was just surprised that he just stood there and expected her to share, not once telling his son to let her play with her own things. It's like someone else said, it's the expectation of some parents that a child has to share with their children.

[CherryPicking]

But you did expect her to share! Unless you were just being passive aggressive.

[Scaredycat3000]

I hated the whole sharing thing at this age. And it's all about the parent being crap not the young child. Try walking up to a table in a pub, picking up a random coat and 'borrowing it'. But doing this to a child barely old enough to talk and you're teaching them about sharing, bollocks are you. I once had to repeatedly remove my DC's sand toys from a GM hands in a communal sandpit, she may not have spoken english but by the 3rd time of taking our toys out of her hands and saying no I really don't think the problem was language. It IME stops being such a problem by the time they start school, parents are less involved by then!

[HighwayDragon1]

I don't make dd share. I will ask her if she would like to let x have a go with her thing and remind her it's nice to share stuff but I don't force her. If someone wanted a go on my tablet or phone would I hand it over? Probably not.

[Scarydinosaurs]

That isn't sharing- but you could have encouraged a game between the two of them. Though at two I would be inclined to just get the bucket and spade back and move away from the pushy kid.

[bumsexatthebingo]

Agree that if dad didn't see the snatching it may just look like he is playing with a communal toy and your dd is being impatient! If your dd didn't make a fuss when he saw him take the spade it could've looked like she was giving rather than he was taking. So I still stand by telling the dad what has happened so he knows his kid has snatched and that the toys are from home.

[diddl]

Sorry, even if they didn't know that it was yours, that doesn't excuse the little boy snatching it away, but wondered if the dad didn't see/hear what had happened & just assumed tha this son was playing with something from the sandpit iyswim.

[Brandonstarkflakes]

Oh god it's so awkward when kids do this and the bloody parents just stand and do nothing!

[BillSykesDog]

Sorry, didn't explain well maybe. In that situation if the toy was one that 'lived' in the sandpit (which I think the father probably thought it was) sharing would have been appropriate. But as it wasn't and it was your own toy I don't really think sharing is relevant here. I would only expect a child to share that sort of toy with a sibling or a child in their own party, not a stranger.

[BillSykesDog]

I suspect the Dad probably thought that it was a common toy belonging to the sandpit and not your DDs own personal toy which is why he didn't make him give it back. I think you handled it all well, no harm done. Wouldn't worry about it.

[Henbythesea]

i would have taken it back straight away, gently but firmly. Important for your dd to know she counts.

The whole sharing thing frustrates me. Children of that age are too young to fully understand the concept and I don't think it should be forced. I have a friend who regularly brings her own 2 year old to tears, forcing him to share what are clearly his most precious toys to satisfy her own desire for him to be a 'good boy' drives me bananas!

[Lweji]

You don't really have to snatch toys from children. Just say out loud that it doesn't belong to them and they should give it back and never snatch from other children, but ask politely. Loud enough for the father to hear.
Whoever the toy belonged to, if any child wants to play they should ask. Always.

[kaitlinktm]

Yes - I also wonder if the dad realised it was her own toy and not one that was left in the sandpit for general use.

This is because years ago when on holiday I had a similar experience with children and an inflatable toy in a swimming pool - they thought it belonged to the hotel but in fact it belonged to my family. The father was quite vocal about it until he realised. I told him we didn't mind sharing, but drew the line at children not being allowed to play with their own toys.

[diddl]

Did they realise that it was your own stuff that you had taken with you?