Play dates not reciprocal/dealing with summer hols with dc's with age gap

[monkeytree]

Hi

I am a sahm and I do enjoy the summer holidays, however, I also find them stressful. This is because I stress about my eldest DD (just turned 10) having enough company (her little sister is nearly 3). I have a few friends who have dd's of a similar age to eldest DD and DD plays with some of them at school, however most of my friends have other dc's closer in age and I guess this is built in company for their children. I seem to do a lot of the organising - days out etc but often these friends and/or children come to our house to play (and this is the easier option with having young DD). But it would be nice if they invited my eldest DD out with them or to their houses. There is often lip service oh X will have to come and play but not often followed up. I feel like I have to put up with a lot to get DD some company but I do it for DD and her little sister enjoys the company too but why or why can't someone else take the iniative. Every year is I seem to have this gripe. Those working plan their dc's childcare way in advance and some children have far flung friends to go and stay with, grandparents etc. We don't have any of this, it is me as the main carer all the time. Dh is great but works full time (we have some family hols coming up and this will break things up a bit) but it still grates with me and I seem to go on massive guilt trips. I have taken dd's out and about - tomorrow we are going swimming and hoping to give elder DD some time in the afternoon whilst her sister naps. Just wondering if anyone has found themselves in a similar position maybe with only children?

[BigPantyGirl]

I don't think you're BU no! I get this all the time, I have one dd, age 7, I frequently have her friends round, or take them out in the school holidays, but it's rarely reciprocated. I put up with it because otherwise dd would get lonely and feel left out as the other children in her class are always at each other's houses. She's got plenty of friends, just not sure why she's left out.

[Janus]

I would happily have anyone back as I am sahm too but I have 4 so sometimes I can't do it exactly quid pro but when I go somewhere nice, eg farm, beach etc I always try to take someone to pay back.
Anyway, by next summer things will be different. I didn't let mins out at 10 either (we live on a very busy road so not possible), if I lived opposite the village green or a park and I could see them I would probably have done at 10 but they would need to have been in eyesight. BUT by Easter time of year 6 I started to let them go down our (small) high street with their friends. They need to learn st that age to be more responsible as it wasn't too long before they walked to secondary school etc. So this is probably your last summer of total responsibility of their happiness!
I would keep having her fiends over for now. I usually do something like everyone make a pizza from scratch and then I would definitely tell 3 year old that she wants to be on her own with friend. Maybe you could take her and a friend swimming (assume everyone can swim at 10) and she can go and jump in deep end with her friend while you have some nice time with 3 year old. Are you near a pottery cafe or indoor playground as older ones can go off and younger one still have fun?
I have spent lots of time with other people's children and I actually like it! Although tidying up the mess is usually a bit of a pain!!
Go with it for the next year, you'll be missing her by the time she is 12!!!

[WoahSlowDown]

I think it would be mean to offer to have kids over to play and then begrudge them coming. Either invite them happily or don't bother.

VioletBam has the right idea, she doesn't like it that her child doesn't get a reciprocal invite so won't be inviting the child again.

[dustarr73]

I think at 10 she needs to do her own stuff.Not always have her sister tagging along.Plus you are not doing her any favours curtailing her freedom.She will have to go out sometime,might as well be now.

And i mean this in the nicest way its not all about you.You have to let your daughter grow up and experience things.

[TheWindInThePillows]

I think there are several things going on here:

1. 10 is an awkward age, a year or two before secondary, and some people's children have made the leap to being quite independent and going out by themselves, others are still treating them like littler children. By 12, everyone's children has to travel to school by themselves and they all have phones so they can organize stuff themselves.
   

You could definitely work on her independence in this holiday, going to a local park in a village with one friend and a cheap PAYG mobile isn't that daring at this age, and if she can't go out to play with local friends, this will massively inhibit her social life over the next year or two. I let my 10 year old walk to school, to the local shop, play out, with a watch/phone for an hour or two at a time.

1. Lots of people go on holiday or to see parents abroad- this is normal! School holidays round here, as there are lots of Europeans, are super-quiet and we can't find hardly anyone to play. This isn't them being mean though:)

[allthemadmen]

Op I have an age gap, stops us doing card games, board games as younger crashes in and it doesnt work.

Luckily mine do play well and I allow older lots of computer time.
TBH I can see your gripe but it sounds like older is fine.
Many dc dont get loads of play dates...its not a bad thing for her to have time to just be and relax. Your going away too, it sounds like your older is having a lovely holiday.

Sorry if its been mentioned but maybe a few hours at a holiday club next year?

[monkeytree]

Should have mentioned DD has only just turned 10. I don't actually begrudge the children coming, I like the 4 or 5 friends DD has they are lovely children and it fills me with joy to watch them play together, it's just the attitude of some of the parents.

Dd1 will gravitate towards the tv or tablet if left to her own devices and whilst some is o.k, I really like her to be doing other things as well. I have started allowing DD some freedom ie walking back from school to the village shop but I just don't feel comfortable with her hanging out at the park just yet. She will have a phone next year, she goes into year 6 in September.

Little DD has naps in the afternoon and gets really tired and grumpy and hard to contain (she is extremely strong and tall for her age). This means that I prefer to go out in the mornings get back and perhaps give DD some time (we're going to have a pamper session in a minute) or have a friend round for DD. It would be nice if someone just invited DD to come round it would ease the issue of managing dd's naps and give DD some other company rather than me. I'm off to start pamper session with dd1, we have all had a lovely swim this morning but even that was a bit fraught because we went to a lovely clean new pool but DD1 wasn't allowed in the toddler session and due to monitoring numbers I wasn't supposed to go in the main pool! This meant hell trying to give dd's both time, dd1 wanted to join us and in the end the manager agreed (it was meant to be under 8's only) and he said we could then go in the main pool with dd1 who is a strong swimmer. It was hard having to split myself between them but obviously dd2 needed me, I will be speaking to the manager again later about his system.

Incidentally, the age gap works wonderfully in terms of usually they do not compete much for my attention and don't squabble over toys. Dd1 adores her little sister and puts up with a lot and dd1's friends seem to enjoy making a fuss over dd2. Very lucky. Dd2 is my miracle child after being told after dd1 that I probably wouldn't have any more children, hence the age gap. I also had a late miscarriage last year, a little boy and don't have any extended family so yes I am protective of my children and know how lucky I am to have them X

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

You sound lovely Monkey, and congrats on your miracle baby! Sorry for your loss

I really do mean this gently - But I really doubt DD1 OR her friends actually enjoy having DD2 around when they're playing, no matter how much DD1 puts up with/enjoys her company when friends aren't around.

On the note of naps etc, I really sympathise as my DTs were nightmare sleepers and I practically ripped the heads off anyone who wakened them during naptime. However as PP's have stated, many of them have littlies too so they my not be able to take DD1 due to their own children (Didn't you say there were similar age gaps with her friends, or was that a different thread?)

[PennyAsset]

I have one DD(10)
Her friends come over for tea, swimming, shopping trips and sleepovers.
All the time.
Only one friend's parent ever reciprocates.
It's bad manners in my book but DD is happy so her friends are welcome.

[jellybeans]

It really annoys me when people have my kids and expect replication when they do it far too much for my liking. For me it should be an odd treat not a bi-weekly occurance. I do want to see my own kids!! With 5 they never get bored etc.

Frequent playdaters are best teaming up with other frequent play date fans. For me it is mither. Don't get me wrong we do them, do sleepovers etc but as i said for me once a month or so is enough. As i have 5, this is one child a week already.

[Lymmmummy]

I also have a significant age gap and it's hard especially when most of their friends have smaller gaps so kids can play and do stuff together - it's hard - I also find others simply are fortunate to have far more family involvement than we have grandparents /cousins etc visiting

What we have done is just fine occasionally play dates but bulked out the holidays with camps of various kinds that DC like

Like you there just is not a culture near us of playing in the street regardless of age

[CurlyMoo]

I have a friend with an only child and she is rather intense regarding playdates. They live fairly rurally so don't have a lot of people to hang out with, her dd is really bored in school holidays so she wants to fill her days. Fair enough, I feel sorry for the girl but when it gets to the stage that it feels forced rather than a friendly thing I resent it (because it is always at my house)

I would second what PP have said regarding dd2; it is fairly normal for 10 year olds not to want to entertain 2 year old siblings of a friend. Perhaps that is putting people off?

I feel like I have to put up with a lot to get DD some company

Well, in the nicest possible way she is your dd so it is up to you. My above friend says the same thing and I just roll my eyes every time. As a parent it is our responsibility to meet the needs of our children, not others.

Do you drive OP? If so why not just get into the car and go out for the day? Let your dd invite a friend along. I actually prefer things to be in my house. Yes it does mean mess, more money on food etc, but I like them to be around.

Anyway enjoy the time together, the school holidays will be over soon enough!

[PennyAsset]

Let's not stereotype only kids as lonely kids.
My DD is happy in her own company, happy in the company of just us and also very sociable.
She doesn't need other kids over but enjoys it sometimes.
Her friends with siblings are always eager to visit.
I was one of five and sometimes bored, occasionally lonely.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

We too have a 5 year age gap and that's complicated by ASD and being a girl/boy pair. We have a couple of friends with similar pairings so we can do days out of drink tea while they play but obviously can't rely on them all holiday! We don't have family to pop round to either so it can be a struggle some days.
As others have said having a friend in to play for each child is often less hassle than refereeing 2. Just takes some co-ordination and gritted teeth when plans go wrong.
My view is bugger reciprocal dates. Hosting is fine as long as it makes the school happy and my life easier.

[Dixiechickonhols]

I have an only dd age 10. She doesn't roam the streets but does call for her friends who live 5 houses up and the one around the corner (they are 9,10 and 11) She also plays on the park next to our house. A child not allowed to play out around here age 10 would be odd but we are on a small estate so no main roads. In a year your did is at secondary school so now would be a good chance to start. Is there someone from school she could call for?
Dd also does a lot of activities as I work part time. 9-3 dance camp etc. Again most of the kids I know do something like that.
We do have some play dates (dd currently has 3 friends over for pizza/movie I said she could - she invited them. She messages and also face times her friends. So arrangements done by the kids rather than me.

[Dixiechickonhols]

How far is the park? Would you be happier if she was with a friend. It would be a good solution for afternoons if she could have an hour playing out.

[monkeytree]

Hi
Thanks for your replies ladies. It doesn't seem that dd2 is putting children off from coming because every time I invite her friends nine times out of ten they come round and usually if they can't they are on holiday. I guess I just feel a bit strained doing the organising, fitting it around dd2's routine, finding activities to keep them both happy - swimming is a hit. I don't mind other people's children in the house, it's nice to have the chaos just wouldn't it be good if others just invited dd2 out with them or round to their homes once in a while, they obviously don't mind their children coming here to play with dd1 and their children never seem in a hurry to leave. I get what people say about working and I don't want to start with that old chestnut of who has the hardest job but it's pretty full on being the main carer all of the time, no childminders, no grandparents, aunties or uncles etc to chip in. I made the decision to be a sahm I wanted to be around for dc's but it's not always easy to maintain energy levels. Dh is fab he really is he takes his role as dad really seriously and reads to the dd's, helps with homework, makes their breakfast before work, puts them to bed (jointly) and takes leave if I need to to go to appointments etc, cooks Sunday lunch as well as other meals the list goes on (he also has a highly stressful job) This parenting thing can be guilt riddled can't it? I like my dd to socialise, she is growing up to be confident (was recently the main character in the school play, watched by 250 people) and I think this is partly because we have always been out exploring and socialising etc.just get a bit fed up it's always me doing the organising!

[PennyAsset]

I know exactly where you're coming from, OP

[Ditsy4]

I started my in off in Year 6. Allowed to play football for an hour if there were a few. Able to call to friends. My friend and I used to ring each other to say we were letting them come up. They didn't know but as they were on there way a quick call so the child was expected within 5 mins.
My DD and her friend used to go into town. Her mum and I went shopping or for a coffee and they were allowed into a certain area. As they grew in confidence we extended either the time or the distance by Year7 we would take them in and meet them a couple of hours later. This worked well and gave them independence and confidence before Secondary.
I had four kids with gaps between the third and fourth. We just invited a friend for the extra ones. There was sometimes a dozen kids in our garden.

[CurlyMoo]

OP you sound like you are bogged down with everyday life.

You seem like you are very tied by your dd2's routine. Is she flexible in the sense that you could go out and she would sleep in the car or buggy?

I agree it would be nice if your dd was invited places, it may be though that the other parents feel you are "freer" than them because you have 1 child + a toddler, or that they are doing your dd1 a favour because she doesn't have a close (in age) sibling? Older children are more work in the sense that they need driving around etc.

[Absolutelynothingelse]

I noticed very early on that a lot of mums ask if you can look after their DC because they will be at work or have an appointment after school or the weekends and it seems to be a good way of getting your DC a play date at someone else's house.
People rarely refuse if you have had their DC round to yours often enough.
I'm terrible at arranging play dates these days but if someone asks me to have their DC who is a good friend of my DC then I'm happy to oblige most of the time.
I am not one to let this become habit forming so I often say no as I don't want to be used as a free sitter.

[Absolutelynothingelse]

I'm basically inferring that a lot of the reasons are made up to initiate a play date at someone else's house.