Play dates not reciprocal/dealing with summer hols with dc's with age gap

[monkeytree]

Hi

I am a sahm and I do enjoy the summer holidays, however, I also find them stressful. This is because I stress about my eldest DD (just turned 10) having enough company (her little sister is nearly 3). I have a few friends who have dd's of a similar age to eldest DD and DD plays with some of them at school, however most of my friends have other dc's closer in age and I guess this is built in company for their children. I seem to do a lot of the organising - days out etc but often these friends and/or children come to our house to play (and this is the easier option with having young DD). But it would be nice if they invited my eldest DD out with them or to their houses. There is often lip service oh X will have to come and play but not often followed up. I feel like I have to put up with a lot to get DD some company but I do it for DD and her little sister enjoys the company too but why or why can't someone else take the iniative. Every year is I seem to have this gripe. Those working plan their dc's childcare way in advance and some children have far flung friends to go and stay with, grandparents etc. We don't have any of this, it is me as the main carer all the time. Dh is great but works full time (we have some family hols coming up and this will break things up a bit) but it still grates with me and I seem to go on massive guilt trips. I have taken dd's out and about - tomorrow we are going swimming and hoping to give elder DD some time in the afternoon whilst her sister naps. Just wondering if anyone has found themselves in a similar position maybe with only children?

[DragonsEggsAreAllMine]

Maybe the others have got busy lives too.

TBH, it wouldn't even cross my mind that friends might want me to take their children out as they had more than one. It's not their fault you have a big age gap between children and neither should the be expected to entertain the eldest due to that.

It's down to you and your DH to meet the needs of both, not play date parents.

[littleducks]

Tbh I wouldn't have thought a SAHM with a 10 and 3 year old as particularly having their hands full unless one of the children had additional needs or an especially demanding personality. Perhaps dds friend parents haven't considered you feel that way.

I hate playdates at home but try to do some interspersed with taking children to park/NT places etc with friends. If hosting at home I try to get it all over with in a day and invite a friend each for the children (sometime siblings but often children who dont know each other). Then let them all play with their respective friends and serve pizza. This means alot of tidying after but it's all done with.

[VioletBam]

I also think OP that you're on the cusp of it all changing at the moment.

They'll all be in year 6 soon...and that's when many do get a lot of freedom. Some a bit too much and others not enough.

If I were you, I'd be thinking forward now...and about how things will alter soon. For DD I mean. Keep on inviting them if they're not allowed to call for her alone.

Next year, they will all be off to secondary and managing their own social lives.

[redskytonight]

I have a 10 year old DD and she has spent a good proportion of this week just playing out - and I ought to say that this isn't always with her school friends, it's with whatever child happens to be about locally. We now have random children knocking on the door!! She's not so interested in having friends over just to play in the garden. As a working parent the summer holiday is mostly scheduled to the last second - we do have a few "slots" for friends, but it's likely that if someone invites her over, we won't be recipricrating until next term.

I'd personally start letting your DD have more freedom - bit by bit. Give her a small boundary to start with e.g. the park and a limited time to be out. Then build it up. She's only a year off going to secondary school - you don't want it to be a huge leap for her!

[waterrat]

Personally I would just embrace the big garden and space and invite lots of kids round all the time ! I love having extra kids about it makes my life easier but I get to be at home sorting stuff out etc.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I wonder if the not wanting them to play out is inhibiting the invites? My DD is slightly older (12). But since 10 we have only really had friends over whose parents are happy for them and DD to walk to the park together and have a little time on their own.

[rainbowunicorn]

I think it really is time to let your daughter have a bit more freedom. The fact that she is not allowed out to play will be hindering her.
As an example I have a 10 year old who has spent much of the holidays going to the park to meet friends, he arranges this by phone or text, sometimes he just goes along to see if anyone is about.
He also gets the bus into the nearest town to meet friends and go swimming, he will either get the bus home or I will pick him up. He has been to the cinema twice so far with friends which was just a drop off and pick them up again.
We have had two friends over for a sleepover and he has been back to one of the friends to have a sleepover there.
He often comes home from the park telling me about children he has met that he did not previously know and has struck up a friendship and had a happy afternoon playing.
He has a phone so is contactable by me at any time and he has to check in at certain times.
I do think it is quite unusual in general to be arranging and managing your child's friendships and play at the age of 10 to be honest.

[BarbLives]

I think one problem is 10 year olds are growing out of organised 'playdates' and are more likely to go and knock for their friends and play out together.

Could your DD phone one of her friends and suggest going to the park together?

[VioletBam]

I agree OP. It IS hard to let them out alone but if you give her a cheap phone, you can call or text her to see where she is. You don't need to allow her to keep the phone all the time. But you will find that many of her friends have access to a phone if not their own.

[mouldycheesefan]

How about arranging for dd to meet with her friends rather than your friends who have kids of similar age?
Or if you are fed up hosting meet at park, or museum or whatever.
There are tonnes of kids summer hols activities be is sports, dance, Lego, art camps etc sign her up for some of those. My kids go to a holiday club for 8-13 year olds they do swimming, sports, crafts etc. There are loads of other clubs too we are spoils for choice.
I think if you sit at home waiting for invites you will get frustrated.

[MatildaTheCat]

Maybe she could start a project with you such as learning to cook simple meals or making a huge collage that she would enjoy without friends around. Does she like reading? The library reading schemes are fun. I know this isn't what you are asking but you need to find solutions for now.

Does she call her friends herself? She's on the edge of being a bit old for you to be doing it for her. Also, by this age I would be happy to drop her and a friend at the cinema and collect later leaving you free with dd2.

[beardedladydragon]

I have 4 DC and play dates are a hassle especially if I don't know the child. We tend to have the same kids over as I know they will just muck in and are tolerant of the little ones. Like another poster said it changes the dynamic in our family and often means I spend my time having to keep the other schools from annoying the child with the play date.
My Ds is 10. He never goes to play out. He doesn't know anyone that local to us. I wouldn't want him hanging out in the nearby park with the teenagers either. He doesn't have a phone so can't arrange things. We have plenty of friends and none of them seem to let their children of a similar age do this. I hadn't realised it was a thing!

[rainbowunicorn]

Lonecatwithkitten I agree with this. We tend not to have the children who are not allowed out and about on their own to play. It makes things difficult and can be strained if a child comes to play and the normal activities that my 10 year old would want to do are curtailed.
Also the fact that you have a three year old that you say also enjoys the company, I have to say most 10 year olds I come in to contact with would not really enjoy a playdate that involved little brother or sister tagging along.
There is a child in my sons class who is not allowed out to play, everywhere she goes it is with her parents and usually her siblings. Play at her house involves the younger siblings etc. Her parents go as a family to the park, swimming etc they do not allow her to do any of these things alone and it does impact on her friendships.

[VioletBam]

Bearded It does seem to be boys doing it a little later...at least in my DDs class it was,

By Years 6, most of the girls were phoning one another, texting and arranging to meet up themselves.

They didn't go far...just to the local park. but there were never any teenagers there...it was a safe park in a small village too.

By year 7 they were getting the bus to town on Saturdays or going skating together.

[1AngelicFruitCake]

I think you're being unrealistic to expect friends to know 'you've got your hands full'. If they work and have got time off with their children I don't think they'd see a SAHM as having their hands full with a toddler and older child.

My children are much younger (toddler and baby) but my friend is like you and likes to arrange lots of play dates. She then gets annoyed when people don't reciprocate and she puts her own expectations onto them.

Hope you get something sorted for your older child. You sound like you are so considerate of your child's needs and hopefully you'll find a solution

[WeAllHaveWings]

at 10 ds was organising his own "play dates". they would contact each other (usually via x-box chat or text on their cheap basic phones) and work out where they were meeting or who's house they were going to. Or they would chap on the door if the person wasn't on x-box/phone.

Depending on what stage they were at/weather, they would go to the house had the best goals/refreshments/x-box games/nearest park/best for cycling etc.

There was a stage when he would just go out unannounced and chap on friends doors and ask if they were coming out to play, if the child wasn't allowed out to play yet they would either play indoors or around that childs house.

[PollyCoddle]

I think I'd be more likely to consider the "hands full argument" and take a friend's child to the cinema/ have her over to play/ organise to take her on an outing etc if I were good friends with the mother. If I'm just willing to take a friend for DD's sake, then I would let DD choose who to bring.

It is tricky regarding movies though, because probably you won't get a 2yo to sit through a movie that a 10yo would want to see.

I hate play dates mainly because it changes to dynamic between my two, who already bicker for Britain. I do try to reciprocate when an exchange has been initiated though. You could perhaps try to text someone who owes you and suggest another play date and hope they say "oh no, it's our turn, DD should come to us".

[Amelie10]

You are a sahm and have a lot more time than working mothers, can't you help organize activities for her? Also it won't harm her to be a little independent and find stuff to do if she is bored. She does not need entertainment every single day. You have a big space, trampoline what more could you ask for. No other people shouldn't know you have your hands full, you have more time than others.

[bunnyfuller]

I agree with the OP. I have two girls, 10 and 11 and both of them have a friend each whose Mums' are very slow on the uptake of inviting them back. I get that it may seem more hassle (I personally find a friend or two round gives them something more to do than bicker with each other) but it strikes me as taking the piss by not taking your turn. I don't like to deprive the kids of their friends' company but when I get weak excuses like 'we have to go to the dentist for a check up in half term' as a justification for not inviting my DD back I think it's rude and not particularly nice to any of the kids. My two do play out with local children, but when they're learning about choosing friends and building relationships I think the least I can do is invite their little mates over. I think friends are part of the package with kids and you have to step up.

[imip]

Another one with 4dcs here, one has ASD and very challenging behaviour. We struggle with equal reciprocity and play dates. What other parents might not realise is that we have play dates a couple of times a week, but when spread out over 4 kids, we can't 'equal' play dates of families with 1 or 2 children.

People are generally understanding of this. Sometimes we just can't do play dates as my dd with ASD is struggling too much with anxiety, or she has a play date and I need to be there with her entirely to help her manage (needs to be totally structured, they can't just 'be').

What I do do, is organise groups of people to go out. We are in central London, so museums and parks a plenty. I'm generally calmer around other adults, the kids can be a little bit wilder. I struggle with my dd with ASD, but that's not going to change. Can you organise some days out with other parents/families. Museums with dropping sessions? I can manage these on key own with 4 Dc (aged 9-4), but it is hard.

This week we have had 4 play dates and 1 sleepover (I've exchanged my dd with another with 2dds) with 4 different children. In reality, each child has averaged 1 ish play date.

[WoahSlowDown]

I think I'd carry on how you are and keep inviting your DDs friends over. Maybe you could ask the older girls to play with your youngest for a set amount of time but then get your youngest DD to eave them alone. I used to do this and it worked well. A younger sibling can be incredibly annoying to guests.
We've always hosted more play dates than been invited. My kids used to prefer it and we had the room.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

Not allowed out + expected to entertain 3yo = No playdate reciprocation

[Ditsy4]

Monkey tree.
I didn't let mine out at that age either. Woods, river, motorway not far, playing field not over looked. It didn't hinder my kids. As they got older it was a rule not to leave anyone on their own even if they fell out.
They were always either in my garden or my friends. Had loads of them sometimes. Village and non village but school friends.
If you are fed up of hosting why not suggest meeting at a park or gardens of a NT house etc. that way the onus isn't on you to provide everything.
Take them for walks if there are some nearby, films, activities in local area. Suggest a play date at one of the organised events for your daughter and a friend. One take and one pick up.
Shame they don't reciprocate for your DD sake.next time pounce when they offer " Oh lovely what about next Thursdayl?" Put them on the spot.

[VioletBam]

Ditsy I agree about getting in quick with the Oh! What about Thursday!

I have a woman who is always happy to send her DD here but never reciprocates. With 8 year olds it's not THAT bad but DD is fed up of this child asking to come and play and then saying she wants DD to come to HERS only for her Mother to never arrange it!

Well this woman sends me vague texts such as "We must get them together..."

I sent one back last time saying "DD is free on Tuesday. How about then? I can collect her at 5."

And guess what? NO RESPONSE!

I won't be inviting her child again!

[Benedikte2]

My DD is an only child. I borrowed her best friend who is one of 5 and she would stay with us for a week or 10 days at a time. The two together were less trouble than my one very amiable child.
May be you could ask your friend's daughter to stayover and perhaps your friend might reciprocate sometime?
Do treat your littlely as an only child and occupy her and ensure she doesn't interfere with the older girls' play if you want the visitor to enjoy her visit.
Good luck