To buy a house that teen sons hate?

[dewdrop68]

I'm post divorce and in the process of looking for somewhere to buy with my two sons, 17 and 19. The 19 year old works but doesn't have a car and relies on public transport. The 17 year old will go to uni next year. I'm stuck between buying two houses, house 1 is a new build, first phase, so we'll be living on a building site for two or three years, however, it's a good size, two ensuites, but has a tiny garden. Nice views onto the canal at the back though, close to train station, shops, short walk into town. House 2 is next door to my good friend, in the countryside, amazing views, lovely garden, sunny into the evening. However, it's quite small, away from transport, no shops. Sons hate it because it's too small amd they feel cut off. They will be leaving at home for the next few years and 17 year old will be back and forth from uni a lot. Should I listen to them or put myself first for once? Btw, house 2 houses rarely come up for sale .

[MissPattie]

Could you extend House 2? If you put in a double bed and another bathroom, suddenly it's a whole new proposition. Or at least plan to do it?

[VforVienetta]

As someone who grew up in the middle of nowhere and now has young DC in a small town, I'd still say buy House 2.
Frankly, an hourly bus service is pretty good for a rural area, and as you're going to help them with cars/driving lessons etc I'd say they'd be fine.
Tbh, I think they'll have the hardest time adjusting to a smaller home, and that would be the case anywhere. You may need to have a grown-up discussion with them about your (and so their) changed circumstances, and what you expect of them re their independence as they mature.

I'd say the eldest should have the single room, as they're going to be spending the least time there.
Your 17yo needs the most concessions as they're going to be most affected.

In years to come you'll appreciate having the home you wanted while they will have moved on and come back to visit a happy mother in a home she enjoys.
As long as you discuss it and all understand the reasons behind the choices it'll be ok.

[happypoobum]

I would definitely choose the house you love. I wouldn't buy a newbuild full stop.

19 year old can drive and you have offered to buy him a car - I think that is more than reasonable. As he works, if he really doesn't want to live there he can maybe move in with his girlfriend - he obviously isn't going to live at home forever

Also, 17 year old may not be home as much as you think. Some of my friends DC at uni rarely come home because they have jobs in their uni towns and they just sofa surf in the holidays if they don't have halls available. There is a bus service anyway, and again, he could learn to drive. It's all very fixable.

[Grilledaubergines]

Neither sound ideal, the compromises for you all are too great.

I'd go back to the drawing board and start the search again, having st down with your sons and discussed needs for them/long term needs for you.

I personally would hate to make my kids live somewhere they hated.

[Capricorn76]

I'd keep looking. House 1 sounds like a potential flood risk and House 2 may be difficult for you when you're older and cut off from facilities and shops etc.

[LellyMcKelly]

Your boys will be moving out soon. Which house do you love?

[Dieu]

House 1. I would be living on my nerves with the constant moaning that would ensue with the other! Be warned however that new builds are a long term investment, and rarely hold their value particularly well. Our previous two homes were new builds (one down South, the other in Edinburgh) and in both cases we sold at a considerable loss (sad). Fine if you're going to be there 10 years + though.

[Wallywobbles]

Your house your deal. Go for the one that will last you forever. If you must compromise pay for their driving test and get them a car to share.

[AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected]

The Op hasn't made any mention of kicking them out. They just may not have the home of their choosing for a while

not being kicked out doesn't = being able to feel at home

seems from this thread that teens should be grateful to be temporarily accommodated and are spoilt if they are upset about being made to feel like they aren't a part of the household any more, just someone who sleeps there for now

[Pisssssedofff]

It's really harsh but the days of always having the family home to return to if it goes pear shaped I suspect are long gone. I'd have to help mine by paying their first month rent or something if they found themselves homeless after they've moved out because I won't be keeping spare bedrooms on the off chance

[RepentAtLeisure]

what? so once a child is nearing an age where they could move out, they no longer have the right to expect to have a home?
for serious?

The Op hasn't made any mention of kicking them out. They just may not have the home of their choosing for a while.

What she should not do is buy a house that she knows is all wrong for her just because her teenage children prefer the bedroom sizes.

[AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected]

I will never understand why some children believe that their parents owe them something even if the children have or will soon have a life of their own.

what? so once a child is nearing an age where they could move out, they no longer have the right to expect to have a home?
for serious?

[katemiddletonsnudeheels]

Thanks, Pissed - just seen that.

Clan, I do know what you mean in fact and I explained this very badly on here and as I said to the above poster in a PM, it's still a bit of a touchy issue for me, and I was being unreasonable on this thread!

The problem wasn't the house as such, it was that my childhood vanished in the blink of an eye. To this day I have nothing from before the age of about 24/25 (when I bought my first house) - no beloved old toys, no old school tie, no baby clothes, no books or things I'd grown up with. Basically, my dad had established a new life for himself (and the message I received at the time was very much that it wasn't one he wanted me to be part of!) before I'd even quite got my head around the fact my mother had died.

Really, what I was expressing in that post was how abruptly and dramatically life changed. January 1997 I was a normal school kid worrying about GCSEs. By Easter that year my mother was dead, by the summer my dad had 'gone abroad' and was slowly around less and less around the two years I sat my A levels (he retired when I finished Year 12 and throughout Year 13 slowly disappeared!) and then sold the house. The house selling was really like the final rejection of the family he'd had with us, with my mum. Probably makes no sense.

It was a strange time as well as my friends parents were filled with love and pride and sentimentality and promises to visit and email and text and mine was more like 'don't let the door hit you on the arse on the way out!'

My dad wasn't horrible, but he was so deep in his own grief I don't think he stopped for a moment to consider how things looked to me. So I do really feel for young adults in a similar situation. Your world is changing so rapidly that you do need something to hang onto. I accept however I'm massively projecting and I think I conceded to as much :)

[Pisssssedofff]

Her mum had just died, her dad regretted his decision later on. An apology is due.

[GreaseIsNotTheWord]

I think yabu sorry .I'm still upset by my dad buying a horrible house and insisting it didn't matter as I was off to university. The message I got was that he didn't want me in it

Seriously? You sound like a spoilt brat

Yes, she does. But I know what she means. I moved out of home at 18, when dh and I got our first flat together. Eleven years ago now.

My mums house is three bed and I have two younger sisters - they used to share a room, I had my own. I moved all my stuff out on the Saturday morning. By the Sunday night, my mum had stripped and painted my room and my middle sister was already moved in - no trace of me.

It hurt at the time and if I think about it, still does now (I don't dwell on this, i'm 'over' it, but when I pull the memory up). Rationally, yes, i'd moved out and I didn't expect it to be kept as a shrine to me. But my room was gone and in use within 2 days - which sent me a pretty clear message that I was 'out' permanently, which did hurt. She could have given it a few weeks at least.

[GreaseIsNotTheWord]

Mine are still small so maybe i'd change my mind in future. But when I picture the future and the dc grown up - in Uni or living on their own - I think of us living in a house that they still count as 'home'. That they feel comfortable and happy returning to, whether it's to stay for weeks or just for Sunday lunch.

I wouldn't give nearly adult children a huge input into a new house - but I wouldn't buy one they hated.

[newname99]

How old are you? The move post divorce is important and you need to factor how you will feel on 3years.

Our neighbour recently couldn't drive and despite not living in the countryside she soon realised the impact of poor public transport.

Maintenance and running costs are also a factor.Not sure either house is right as you don't love them.

[LyndaNotLinda]

House 1. You are stating a newly single life and will, I imagine, want to establish new friendships and a social life. Living in the middle of nowhere is not going to help that.

Also, while your sons are nearly grown, they must be affected by your divorce. Moving to a house where there isn't room for them and which is difficult to get to and from seems unkind in those circumstances.

[Marysunshine]

Just for balance - I was born and brought up in a large city, have worked and lived in a large town and have lived in 3 different rural villages in different counties. The town/country thing really depends what stage you are at in life.
I've lived in a 17th century cottage, a 1930's house, a 70's semi, several flats and two different new builds. Same thing applies - what suits you at one time in life, won't necessarily suit you in another.
Currently I live in a new-build on a small development that has some style - absolutely love it. Problem free, large garden, lots of windows, all mod cons, no maintenance costs, no damp and exceptionally warm. It may not double in value in the short term but not all old properties do either. Some old properties can turn out to be money pits.
So it really does depend on your needs at the moment - and what is in the best interests of your family as you see it.
Hope you make the right choice for you and yours.

[Janecc]

Would you love the house if your bestie didn't live so close?

If so, and it is your dream home, buy it.

With the proceeds of the sale of your marital home, buy them both cars and consider building a summer house with an ensuite bathroom. The son, who lives permanently with you has the choice of bed 2 or summer house and the box room becomes the office or you could make that room into a compact ensuite and dressing room/office. Much cheaper than a 2 storey extension. Or convert part of the garage if there is one.

[Clandestino]

I think yabu sorry .I'm still upset by my dad buying a horrible house and insisting it didn't matter as I was off to university. The message I got was that he didn't want me in it.

Seriously? You sound like a spoilt brat. I wouldn't mind if my mother bought herself an igloo if she wanted to. It's her choice, her house, I'm grown-up and have my own house which I bought because I like it not because my family does.
I will never understand why some children believe that their parents owe them something even if the children have or will soon have a life of their own.
Of course it didn't matter . You're off to the university, your parents won't see you that often, you'll move out so why should they buy a house which suits YOU if it's them who will be living in it. I don't get the logic, sorry.

[cexuwaleozbu]

I think you need to wait for house 3.

I wouldn't buy a new build with flood risk.

Much as I love my best friend I wouldn't buy the house next door - it would put an unreasonable pressure on the relationship. I also wouldn't buy in the countryside (though an hourly bus is a lot better than some I suspect the last bus is 9 or 10pm making it not that useful for a teen or young adult. I wouldn't want to be pushing sons into being reliant on cars - the reason car insurance is over £2000 per year is because it is actually pretty probable that they will have an accident.

Look around the area where the bus from house 2 arrives at the edge of town and starts intersecting with other public transport options/other bus routes/good cycling routes. It will be nice, in 20 years time when your boys have their own families and maybe for health or eyesight reasons you may not want to drive so much, to have an easy bus ride between your house and your best friend.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I would say neither is the right house.

House 1 is close to water with a small garden which brings with it a whole host of problems when you come to sell. If it is a family home then people expect a family sized garden.

House 2 is too far out and too small. Friend and her dh bought their dream rural home 4 years ago. Ds has to be ferried everywhere and will continue to have to be ferried everywhere for at least another 2 years. Dh works long hours and leaves first thing in the morning to get to work and doesn't return until at least 8pm. Depending on the trains. Between her and her dh they are spending the equivalent of a huge mortgage each month on transportation. Don't get her started on when she forgets something from the supermarket. There is a shop about 4 miles away but it is a PITA having to get in the car and drive and park sometimes just as she is about to start
cooking.

Recently she has been ill so can't drive and so ds hasn't seen anyone since school broke up and she is reliant on the tesco delivery and dh to keep the house going. She loves the house but it just is not practical. Even when ds moves out the impracticality of the location means they are planning on moving when she gets better.

[Italiangreyhound]

dewdrop68 sorry not read all the comments.

I'd say it really depends if you like having your sons living with you and how long you want them to do so. If you do like it and want it to continue for a while yet I would buy the house that they will most want to stay in.

If not, then go for house 2.

How about taking a big loan out and buying house 2 and house 1, rent out house 2 until your boys leave home! OK that was bit of a joke.

Do whatever is right for you but be aware your boys may move out sooner if the home is in a bad location for them.

(And as your best friend lives there you could visit the house 2 area and see her quite a bit!)

[SabineUndine]

I would go for house two. A bus an hour is perfectly workable- your sons will just have to be organised. Can they cycle until you get a car/driving lessons sorted?