Think she should give me her holiday spending money?

[SilkyGreyCat]

In May my mum borrowed £250 off me, she was off work so only had sick pay to live off (she's single and lives alone) and needed to get her car taxed so that she could use it to drive to work. She promised me she'd pay it back by my DDs birthday at the end of June as she'd be "back on her feet" by then.

The money came from mine and DHs savings so hasn't affected us Day-to-Day as DH works in a fairly well paid job, but it did completely deplete our savings down to about £50.

At the beginning of July I asked for the money, we use the savings for "emergenies" were we need a big sum of money immediately and I wanted the money back in our account incase something happened. She said she still couldn't pay me as she wasn't back up to her full hours at work due to being off for nearly 4 months (she had an operation in February). I was annoyed but let it go and hoped nothing went wrong in our house where we'd need the money.

Today I found out she has a holiday booked for the end of August which she booked in March while she was off, she borrowed the money to book it from my dad (her soon-to-be ex husband) who she's still friends with. My dads let her get away with not paying him back (he wants them to get back together) and I think she's expecting the same from me.

She keeps saying "I have about £300 spending money so far for my holiday I can bring my DGD (my DD) a lovely present back with that".

While we're not desperate for the money I do worry that our washing machine will break or I'll get ill and DH will have to take time off work to look after DD, which is what we'd use the money for.

So AIBU to ask for £250 of that for her to pay me back when she next mentions it? Otherwise I know we'll never get it back

[AcrossthePond55]

Unless you're ready to make a huge stink and potentially lose your relationship with your mother, I'm afraid you're just going to have to say goodbye to that money as she has no intention of paying it back. It may not be an overt intention, it's just that there's always going to be something she 'needs' wants that will be 'more important' than paying you and your DF back.

Lesson learnt and a good thing to remember when she asks for money again. "Sorry Mum, we depleted our savings when we lent you that 250 quid that you still haven't repaid". End of discussion.

[Shelby2010]

So, basically since she's been back at work she's earnt enough money to save for her holiday but not enough to start paying you back? The telling comment is that's how much she's got 'so far', which suggests she thinks she'll have more soon. Also shows where her priorities are.....

I would suggest that you ask for £100 back now & the rest she can start repaying weekly when she gets back. I agree with others that she has 'forgotten' that loans should be repaid. I also agree with a pp that you need a bigger emergency fund if you can manage it. Although your situation sounds a bit hand to mouth if you haven't been able to save any money since March.

At least you know not to lend her money again!

[228agreenend]

Why don't you ask for £150, so she still,has some holiday money, and then ask,for £50"or £100 install,nets to pay the rest.

[ENormaSnob]

Yanbu

She is taking the absolute piss.

I loathe financially incontinent adults, parents or not

[maisiejones]

God, I hate this. I lent a friend a few hundred pounds to tide her over while she was awaiting an insurance payout. Next think I knew, payout had arrived and she was off to the USA for a two week holiday. I didn't need the money but was pissed off that she did this. It then took her ten months to pay me back. Never again! Imo, if you borrow money then paying it back is a priority before treating yourself.

[SilkyGreyCat]

I have added to the savings since then, not much but we're at about £150 again now. I know it's not a huge buffer but it was always intended so we didn't get ourselves into debts or to cover the excess on our home insurance.

I do not want her to cancel her holiday, not at all, she's been a good mum and does deserve a few luxuries, it's non of my business where she got the initial money for the holiday from, it was just to show she has form for borrowing money and not paying it back my father is also an idiot for thinking him paying for her holiday will make her get back with him.

I am going to discuss a payment plan with her I think as you guys have made me see that I can't expect her to give me the holiday money. It just irked me that she was boasting about the present she's getting for DD without paying me back.

[Woodhill]

Yes I'm surprised at parents borrowing off their df, yanbu, she should pay you back Asaph.

[ladylambkin]

I wouldn't ask for it back however I would now not lend anymore to her. If it was my mum I would feel happy to help her after everything she has did for me

[PersianCatLady]

You sound a lovely daughter
I can't believe that you can say that after reading the whole thread.

[WamBamThankYouMaam]

I'd never loan money to my mam and ask for it back. I certainly wouldn't be happy with her having next to no money for her holiday so it could sit in my account doing nothing.

[jacks11]

I think some posters are missing the point- her mum asked to borrow money, to which OP agreed to. She did not gift her mother the money, she lent it. Big difference.

When she borrowed the money OPs mum promised to pay her back by July. She hasn't done so, and instead has chosen to have a holiday. I think she is taking the piss a bit. It's not like she has even asked OP if she could delay paying it back, she just hasn't bothered which is rude, frankly.

OPs mum isn't behaving very fairly towards her daughter and is not sticking by the promises she's made. It would be a different situation if her mum was still not working and so couldn't afford to pay her back- but her mum has decided a holiday she cannot afford is her priority.

[branofthemist]

I don't think anyone is missing the point. People just have different opinions.

Simply put, whilst I would be annoyed, I wouldn't want my mum taking only £50 on holiday.

I would voice my annoyance and tell her my money needs paying back, but I wouldn't take it out of her holiday money. And I wouldn't lend again.

[hownottofuckup]

The thing is you can ask all you like, but you can't make her

[gingerboy1912]

Yanbu

[ohdearme1958]

OP, the ref to the present for your DD is to stop you from asking for the money back.

But .....,,

She's your mum.

[Pettywoman]

You don't book a holiday when you're in debt to your loved ones and can't afford to support yourself.

[cozietoesie]

I suspect that if you demanded it back, she'd simply approach your father and obtain some extra from him?

Agree a payment plan and don't lend her cash again.

[branofthemist]

You don't book a holiday when you're in debt to your loved ones and can't afford to support yourself.

She didn't book a holiday after the op lent her the money. She booked it before.

[WamBamThankYouMaam]

She didn't. The holiday was already booked and paid for by someone else.

I just would never be so callous toward my own mother over a couple of hundred quid.

[SilkyGreyCat]

I am not 100% sure she didn't use it for the holiday instead, as I paid the money by bank transfer.

She could well ask my dad for the money if I asked for it back in full, not sure whether this is a good option as he'll likely borrow it off my grandmother and then it's a cycle of borrowing money.

Think payment plan is best option, will discuss it with her now.

[NameChange30]

Well you've learned your lesson: not to lend your mother money again!

If she is struggling with money and asks for your help, you could help her make sure she is claiming all the benefits she is entitled to, eg encourage her to check on //www.entitledto.co.uk or visit her local CAB. CAB can help with debts as well - if she has any rent or council tax debt it's especially important that she pays it off (and that has priority over the money she owes you and your dad).

It's none of my business but if your husband has a good salary and you can afford to save a bit more, it would be wise to do that. There are lots of possibilties that need more than £300 to cover!

[Optimist1]

OP is clearly pretty savvy money-wise, even though her savings are meagre. PPs who criticise her need to have a savings cushion are clearly more carefree than her but are unkind to suggest that she should willingly forego the feelings of financial security so that her spendthrift mother can live it up in the sun for a week or two.

[RaeSkywalker]

I think that discussing a payment plan is the way forward. Explain why you're concerned, that it was your emergency buffer. Empathise with her situation and be flexible about not having it all back it once- but if you need it back, you need it back. I couldn't afford to just lose £150 but wouldn't be able to say no to my mum if she asked for a loan.

I'd also say that you'd rather have the money back than a present for your DD- not vindictively, just that on a practical level the money is more needed.

[RaeSkywalker]

^ that looks like I haven't RTFT- I have, I agree with the OP.

[Thataintnoetchasketch]

Your mum was off sick & knew her income was going to be tight & also presumably knew when her car tax was due but chose to borrow money from your dad to book a holiday then come scrounging to you to pay for her car tax. She needs to take some responsibility for this - it's not on you to bail her out when you've worked hard to have a cushion of money for unexpected expenses.

I hate this - my MIL is crap with money - last year she needed to purchase a big household item unexpectedly so we bought her it for her birthday as a gift even although it was about 5 times more than we'd usually spend. She then asked us to pay her vet bill of £300 when her dog died & she would pay us back - it's a year later, she's bought more animals, hasn't insured them, is running up more vet bills and clearly has no intention of paying us back.

Sounds like the more you give the more she'll expect. A payment plan sounds like a good idea. I've written off the money we loaned MIL but won't be doing it again.

YANBU - personally I couldn't go on holiday knowing I owed my daughter a large sum of money.