Think she should give me her holiday spending money?

[SilkyGreyCat]

In May my mum borrowed £250 off me, she was off work so only had sick pay to live off (she's single and lives alone) and needed to get her car taxed so that she could use it to drive to work. She promised me she'd pay it back by my DDs birthday at the end of June as she'd be "back on her feet" by then.

The money came from mine and DHs savings so hasn't affected us Day-to-Day as DH works in a fairly well paid job, but it did completely deplete our savings down to about £50.

At the beginning of July I asked for the money, we use the savings for "emergenies" were we need a big sum of money immediately and I wanted the money back in our account incase something happened. She said she still couldn't pay me as she wasn't back up to her full hours at work due to being off for nearly 4 months (she had an operation in February). I was annoyed but let it go and hoped nothing went wrong in our house where we'd need the money.

Today I found out she has a holiday booked for the end of August which she booked in March while she was off, she borrowed the money to book it from my dad (her soon-to-be ex husband) who she's still friends with. My dads let her get away with not paying him back (he wants them to get back together) and I think she's expecting the same from me.

She keeps saying "I have about £300 spending money so far for my holiday I can bring my DGD (my DD) a lovely present back with that".

While we're not desperate for the money I do worry that our washing machine will break or I'll get ill and DH will have to take time off work to look after DD, which is what we'd use the money for.

So AIBU to ask for £250 of that for her to pay me back when she next mentions it? Otherwise I know we'll never get it back

[listsandbudgets]

TEXT "Hi mum I really need to talk to you about money. I know things are a bit tight and you've got your holiday coming up but we are struggling a bit right now and wondered if you'd be able to let us have the £250 back. If you can't manage it all at once would you be able to pay it back at £50 a month as even that would help us. Thanks silky

[Woodhill]

Totally disagree, the mother should pay back the money even if she sets up a dd to do so each month. You would expect it from your dc not vice versa from your dm.

My dd who works borrowed money and she pays me back each month.

[FreedomIsInPeril]

not everyone else, actually.

[whois]

Let her enjoy her holiday and decide on a payment plan to start when she returns. This is what I would expect from family if the tables were turned.

And what happens if something goes wrong in the OPs financial life - like the boiler needing repair, or the car breaking down? Is she meant to use payday loans rather than the savings she SHOULD have had if the mum wasn't so irresponsible?

[whois]

Agree with everyone else.

Tell her you can't afford to write off the loan, it was clearly a loan not a gift and you need her to start paying some of it back. Say you need some of the money back before the holiday (£100?) and you need £50 a month back after that. Say obvs you're not expecting a gift for DD from her holiday.

Then she still has some holiday spending money and you have some savings.

And to a PP who said that the money should be spent on a nice holiday for the OPs mum rather than sitting in a bank account... are you freaking kidding? That is a terrible attitude to money. Only having £50 in savings whilst the rest is frittered by someone else on a holiday is not a good position to be in.

[LilacInn]

I see nothing "reportable" in Freedom's post. It's true. God, for all the veneration the "mums" on here expect just for having given birth, it's ironic that so many give a thumbs-down to cutting the OP's mother some slack. Some of the comments sound like mafia capos about to whack some knees.

Yes, she's selfish and flighty and bad with money - but she's also aging, ill/recuperating, divorcing and who knows what else. And she's the only mother the OP has and believe me, when she is gone, that money is going to look like peanuts. You'd give a lot more than that to be able to send her off on one more holiday.

[WeAllHaveWings]

In my experience family who love and respect each other are not selfish enough to ask for money to finance living beyond their means or plead poverty/play the martyr/avoid the issue when the person who lent them the money needs it back. She has effectively lied to you about her financial commitments and ability to pay back by booking the holiday in March and not telling you about it when she asked for a loan in May.

You might need to write the money off or wait for it to be paid up slowly, but make sure she knows how you feel about her taking your money and basically funding her holiday and to never ask you for a loan again.

[Iloveowls2]

I'd speak to her and explain you need the money but realise she might not be able to afford it in one go so give you £50 per month and don't bother with any presents off holiday

[AmberNectarine]

It's all very well saying 'let it go', but £250 is a lot of money to some. OP lent it in good faith and is now left shortly while her mum goes gallivanting on the never never. Wouldn't sit well with me.

Family obviously means different things to different people as in mine it means: 'not taking the piss'.

[exWifebeginsat40]

like a PP said, i pay my car tax monthly. it's about £15.

if you need the money back, you should get it back. don't worry about hurting her feelings - she wasn't worrying about yours when she cleaned your savings out.

[FreedomIsInPeril]

Report away, it doesn't break any guidelines. Better luck next time.

[CaptainCrunch]

Horrible post freedom, I've reported you..

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Freedom
Both of my parents are dead and I can't imagine them being such a bitch to me as to expect me to fund their holiday spending money because they won't manage their finances.

[JacketPoTayTo]

To the "family don't do this to each other" crowd, I totally agree. My mother would never borrow money from me under the pretence that it's for car tax to help her work opportunities, knowing full well that in reality it's needed as spending money for a holiday that she couldn't afford and had already manipulated by dad into lending money for (knowing that my dad only lends her money because he hopes to get back with her).

There's only one selfish member of the family as far as I can see and it ain't you, OP. You are sensible to have a buffer and those who are saying that it's not as though you need it are misunderstanding the point of having savings at all. Things go wrong and you may need it urgently for something important. You should not be left without financial security so that your mum can have a holiday. Holidays are a luxury. She should have used what money she did have to pay her car tax as that should have been her priority over holiday spends. But perhaps she knew that she might not get the response she wanted if she paid the car tax herself and asked to borrow holiday spending money.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Lilac
No she won't be around for ever. But for all we know she could be alive for another 30 years merrily borrowing money. If the OP doesn't deal with this now, I suspect this won't be the last request.

[LilacInn]

She is your mother, she has been ill, yes she is flakey and apparently unreliable - but do you really want to raise a fuss over money? She won't be around forever.

[Bottomchops]

She's a bit crap, it's done now. Let her enjoy her holiday and decide on a payment plan to start when she returns. This is what I would expect from family if the tables were turned.

[Missgraeme]

So technically she will be holidaying at your expense and bringing her gd a present which u have paid for and passing it off as her own gift?? Priceless!!

[cozietoesie]

It may be that she's spent a good proportion of her life with other people paying the bills for actually living and been free to use her own earnings as she wishes.

[AcrossthePond55]

She's the sort of person who thinks because she works, she's entitled to spend money etc. how she sees fit l

Well, to an extent she's right, she is entitled to spend her wages as she sees fit. She's even entitled to spend herself into bankruptcy. But she's NOT entitled to have others bail her out.

[SilkyGreyCat]

memyselfandaye thanks for that I'll tell her

She's the sort of person who thinks because she works, she's entitled to spend money etc. how she sees fit leaving her short for bills, which is ridiculous really but there's no telling her.

She's just over the threshold for benefits (I used entitledto.co.uk to check) but does get a council tax reduction for being single.

I will return anything she gives me for DD until she's paid me back.

[memyselfandaye]

Next time tell her to set up a direct debit to tax her car, the dvla brought the monthly thing in last year, she could have done that.

I do, and mine is only £12 a month.

[rookiemere]

I can't believe her nerve effectively using your money to buy your DD a holiday present.

Yes she believes the money has been written off.

I'd play hard ball. You won't get it all back before her holiday, but I'd tell her straight that you'd rather have some of the money she owes you than give DD a gift.

Keep asking for it, even if you only get it back in dribs and drabs then you should get some of it. Don't let her off the hook - if she comes round with presents or clothes for DD, then ask for the receipt so you can return them and put it towards her debt. She doesn't get to play the doting GM if she has taken away your financial safety net.

You're hardly comfortably off yourselves if £250 leaves you with no savings to speak off.

[Thataintnoetchasketch]

Your mum was off sick & knew her income was going to be tight & also presumably knew when her car tax was due but chose to borrow money from your dad to book a holiday then come scrounging to you to pay for her car tax. She needs to take some responsibility for this - it's not on you to bail her out when you've worked hard to have a cushion of money for unexpected expenses.

I hate this - my MIL is crap with money - last year she needed to purchase a big household item unexpectedly so we bought her it for her birthday as a gift even although it was about 5 times more than we'd usually spend. She then asked us to pay her vet bill of £300 when her dog died & she would pay us back - it's a year later, she's bought more animals, hasn't insured them, is running up more vet bills and clearly has no intention of paying us back.

Sounds like the more you give the more she'll expect. A payment plan sounds like a good idea. I've written off the money we loaned MIL but won't be doing it again.

YANBU - personally I couldn't go on holiday knowing I owed my daughter a large sum of money.