To want to try for DC3 (at 47) or am IBU

[MarksandSpencerfoodjunkie]

Got an 8 and 4 YO - no problems getting pregnant with either. Even DC2 at 41 (had him at 42). DH is worried that my health will suffer. I'm a fitness junkie in very good health - the only problem I have is IBS which has just been diagnosed; had a lot of blood tests and scans which showed I was/am very healthy. I know my chance of m/c is 50% now but my cousin (who wishes she'd had another) and is now in her late 50s is telling me I will regret it. I have a full time job as a very senior manager - lots of mums are I senior management where I work but..

[Newmanwannabe]

Completely understand that yearn to have a third, but at 47 I'd be very conflicted. I don't think I could do it.

I'm sort of getting to the age now where I'm starting to accept not everything goes the way you thought it would, and that's ok.. It's just a different experience than what you thought you'd have

[Xmasbaby11]

Also my mum was 39 when she had me and was basically a decade older than my friends' parents. Did I feel like I was missing out? I certainly felt there was a bigger generation gap. My grandparents were already elderly and I didn't really know them as people. And they are too tired now to be hands on with their grandchildren which they feel sad about. I'm sure I will be trying to look after them while my dc are still young and need me a lot. I do feel grateful they are healthy and we see each other often though.

[Whoknowswhoknows]

I would probably advise against. You say "I love my two DC and am blessed". It sounds like life is good. I also longed for a 3rd child in my 40s and had no trouble conceiving but now have a variety of health problems caused directly by the 3rd pregnancy including a prolapse. I was also fit and healthy but find it very hard to exercise now because of my physical problems.

Try to value what you have. I know that's easy to say, but a third child (however wanted and loved) could change everything.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Too old for me.

It's not so much the pregnancy, childbirth and baby stage, although each of those may be tough. It would be having a 12 year old when I'm 60 and a teenager until
I'm virtually 70. Very very hard just when everyone is starting to relax or enjoying grandchildren.

Sorry OP but I just wouldn't.

[babybythesea]

Spottytop - that's lovely, and is is no doubt different for each family, but it is something to think about. For my BIL, there is no-one else. His parents are elderly. His brother needs care. Who else is going to do it? While his parents have never said "You are responsible for your brother" the fact is that in the not too distant future BIL will be the only one left to keep an eye out for him, have him for dinner on Christmas Day, take him out on the weekend. His brother was also in a care home that was shut down because staff were being aggressive to the patients. So they all now feel a very strong need to watch his care closely. This will fall to BIL. And it is a responsibility. Mostly one he carries with love, but it also means he and my sister can't just move somewhere else (which they were briefly thinking of doing after BIL was made redundant) because there is his brother to think about. It is a part of his life that will never go away.
I'll say it again, it isn't that he doesn't love his brother. But having his brother around meant never going on holiday or family days out because his parents couldn't cope with his brother not coping with them. And as a child, he did resent that. Maybe if his brother had been easier, or less aggressive, it wouldn't have made such an impact on his life.
Maybe it is a negative view, but it is his real life experience. It's great that lots of families manage to make it work and there is no resentment or long term responsibility. But that's not the case for everyone and it is something I would want to think about. You're not being fair to existing children if you don't give it some thought.

[x2boys]

I had a child with chromosomal ahnormaliries at 36 he has various disabilities because of it but i wouldnt be without him and he jaent ruined our lives i know rhis is missing rhe point of the thread but i,m a bit at rhe comments about children with disabilities.

[x2boys]

He hasent*

[MarksandSpencerfoodjunkie]

I think people have been very and honest. My DH also pointed out that his sister has been struggling to conceive DC2 - she is 43 and had DD1 at nearly 41 - she's has 3 miscarriages. Do we want to go through that. Now I really think about no I don't - I think it's put awful strain on their marriage and she had to give up her job she was so traumatised. It may still happen for her at 43 but I know I couldn't go through this - so maybe I have to accept I am near the menopause and no more nappies.

[babybythesea]

I hope I haven't offended you, x2boys. Or anyone else. I don't have a sibling with any kind of chromosomal conditions. I'm going on what my BIL says. He loves his brother and his brother hasn't ruined his life. But it has made it harder. And as a child he found that difficult to accept. As an adult, he is aware that there is an extra role that will fall to him. And he often says that it does add complications into his life. Does he want to move for work? Yes. Will he? No, because his brother needs him nearby. I don't think he wishes his brother had never been born, more that he resents the condition he was born with. The point I was trying to make is that you are more at risk from chromosomal conditions as an older parent and they don't just impact on you. You do also need to consider other children and what they may be asked to do later in life. It's easy to say they won't have any responsibility but the reality is if they love their sibling they will.

[Inshock73]

OP Better to have tried and failed than not to have tried at all, if it's something you really want.

I had my first DD at 42 in April 2015 and my second baby is due in September, I'll be 43, both conceived naturally, the second baby was a surprise and the result of did just once.

As for the concerns people have raised over being an older parent, you're already an older parent so I think you know what you're doing and you sound well informed re the risks etc. The consultant who is looking after me during my pregnancy and has described me as one of her 'younger over 40 ladies', she has patients of 48/49 with surprise pregnancies (they thought they were too old to conceive) and grown up children.

If you decide to go for it Good Luck!

[Lymmmummy]

Entirely upto you - I do wonder why people post these types of questions - obv there will be those who have a moral outrage type of v negative view

If its right for you it's right

My personal opinion is if it were me with 2 already I wouldn't want a third but I would feel this way regardless of age

[herecomesthsun]

My DD was the result of an extra bank holiday in 2011 , not that i'm a royalist...

[Spottytop1]

Babybythesea it is very sad your partner feels that way. My sons are now adults and their sister has not in any way impacted on team fallowing their careers or life choices.

In regards to who will look after his brother/my daughter ... Me then the 'system' my daughter will live in the system once I pass as she can never live independently as she is too volatile & has too little understanding.

My message loud & clear to my sons was that their sister was never their responsibility and I would never expect them to care for her - it is a real shame your partner seems to feel that responsibility.

I will add that my daughter was born from a pregnancy in early 30's not post 40

[Inshock73]

MrsDeVere We were like that for about 3 months! :) I'm 7 months now and we still can't believe we're having another.

herecomesthesun This baby was the result of having a babysit one night, one night in a whole month!

[shins]

I'm 44 and my eldest is 20, younger kids are 9 and 6. As a pp said, it gets really hard when they're older and that's what I'm slightly dreading with the younger two. The teenage years were incredibly emotionally draining and expensive and stressful, even though mine didn't have any really serious issues (friends used to say "at least you've never had the police round!" as if the bar was now that low) and he's turned out a good guy. I would not like to be dealing with that in my 60s. But each to their own of course.

[madwomanacrosstheroad]

On one had it is a gard decision, but then there is the likely hood that your decision us very limited. I had dc4 at 40, a surprise dc 5 ar 44 and then another surprise pregnancy at 45. All seemed to go okay until dc 5 was born dead at 21 weeks. It was downs and associated problems. My way of getting over ir was to try again. All was fine, had fhs checked etc. Nothing ever happened.
Still regular as clockwork now in my 50s.
When I mentioned the "trying again" plan to someone I know who works as a midwife she told me they do deliver women past mid forties but "they are usually using some on else's egg".
Chances are low but there are miracles.

[Floozie66]

Ttc for 3 months following two mmc. Now pregnant with twins. I will be 45 this year!!

[Summerwood1]

Too old. Not fair on the child. Imagine in the playground the other children would confuse you as a granny.

[herecomesthsun]

Well, there are an awful lot of mums in their 40s/50s at our primary/junior school.

(Mind you, I tried going from my touched up dark hair to grey and got a couple of granny comments. So I went blonde instead, and I think I might be sticking with it. )

[carabos]

I suppose to some degree it depends what you mean by "try for another". If you mean "let nature take its course and see what happens", that's different from "let's do all the tests, then include IVF with donor eggs or surrogacy in our plans".

However, the fact that your husband has mentioned vasectomy indicates that perhaps ye's not on the same page - is your broodiness maybe just a reaction to that? Wanting a last shake of the bag kind of thing?

On the technical side, your fsh levels may be good for someone of your age, but the facts don't lie. Despite what you read on MN, it is very very unlikely that you would conceive naturally at your age. It is very unlikely that even having conceived, you would carry a pregnancy to term. That's why if you are serious, you will need a plan B, and proper advice from a medical specialist before you start.

[herecomesthsun]

erm, what you read on mumsnet is generally genuine experience. Before contraception thankfully made choice available, it was not at all uncommon for women to have very large families, having the last baby in their 40s. It is increasingly common for women to want babies later and sorry Fail link again apparently births to mums over 40 are now more common in the UK than births to teenagers. 47 is well, a bit late, but then it happens for some (did for me).

We did see a fertility specialist before I had my first child. He was indeed discouraging about the chances of success- and advised us against IVF because of the toll it would take on me. He suggested in our case just continuing to try naturally, which is what we did.

[herecomesthsun]

That article also gives figures of 2010 babies born to mums aged over 45 in England and Wales in that period, further evidence that it doesn't just happen to a couple of people on Mumsnet.

[PokemonGo]

According to the Office of National Statistics in 2015 out of just under 700,000 births ONLY 29,000 were to mothers over 40.

I'm suprised it's so low. Thats only 1 in 24 births.