to leave council home and go back to private renting to be near mother with cancer :(

[user1468485204]

Very long story short, we did 10 years worth of private renting ( 6 moves ) before getting a social house on the new affordable market rent scheme.
Our rent is 80% of market rent but obviously it came with the security we never had in private rentals.
We don't love where we live, it's 60 miles from anyone we know and although I am making the best of it, well have been before this last shock, I haven't been happy being this far away from my mother.
We are very close even though I'm in my 30s, she was a single mother until I was 20 and I am an only child.
She adores my children and would love to see more of them.
She can't leave where she is, Bognor Regis as my elderly nan lives there.
My mum has just found out she has skin cancer :(
I want to leave this house and private rent to be near her.
Logically it will be a nightmare, my husband will have to try and transfer, I will have no job, and to top it off my children would have to leave their current school so I would need a year 2 place and a reception place for September.
Am I being unreasonable to do this? My head says yes but my heart says go.

[OliviaBenson]

I remember your previous threads. I really don't think you should move. Your DH doesn't want to either if I remember rightly. You would have no income down there, I'm not sure you could actually rent.

I appreciate this must be a distressing time, but you need to think of your DH and your children.

All the previous advice stands.

[user1468485204]

Oh believe me my nan could make this all better.
She only has a 1 bed flat but she rents out a 3 bed house up the road in Chichester ( which was the family home )
She won't ask the tenants ( 3 single males ) to leave or sell it, even though they only pay her £200 a month combined and I've offered her £1000 :(
Whole other story but terrible given the situation

[MrsSchadenfreude]

What kind of skin cancer is it, and what stage? I had stage 1 melanoma 2 years ago (melanoma runs in my family and has seen off 5 of my relatives). If she has stage 1 or even stage 2, and they keep a close eye on her, the odds are pretty good. Basal cell carcinoma or squamous cell are much less worrying than melanoma.

[user1468485204]

My husband can transfer with work to Chichester on compassionate grounds
His mum passed away at 18 and he's quite close to mine so under the circumstances he's willing to do it.
He's worried about the housing situation of course though.

[user1468485204]

Basal cell but further tests required to define what stage
She also has a mole they are suspecting too now so that part is unknown

[SilverDragonfly1]

I think it would be very dangerous to bank on being able to buy a property after your nan passes. Quite apart from the issues of you all feeling like you're waiting for her to die, there could be care home fees, economic crash is a distinct possibility... or she might just end up leaving everything to someone else!

[OreosAreTasty]

Can't you swap on your own? and what I mean is without the councils help? I don't know logistics of it but maybe its different if you post on local selling pages saying you want an x bed house in x area and can offer your own home in exchange? Long shot but I'd try that before moving out of a social home in this climate (Although I may be bias as I've only just landed one lol) Fingers crossed for you, whatever you decide.
YANBU either way. its a very tough decision. I think I'd move privately if all other options (including stated above) were exhausted.
very sorry you're in this situation

[tofutti]

I think your mum needs to have a word with your nan.

If your nan wants your mum's support, she should enable you to support your mum in her time of need, by giving you her house to rent.

Does your nan listen to your mum?

[user1468485204]

We aren't allowed to exchange on this property.
It's not social housing, it's intermediate rent so we had to meet certain criteria, have a job in the area, earn a certain amount but under another amount, all sorts of stuff so not allowed to exchange at all.
My nan listens to nobody, she's very selfish and very independent, she's always been the same and listens to nobody.
She has already made the will but refused to put it in my mums name now ( before the cancer scare ) to save the inheritance tax - there's no telling her so I doubt she will change her mind
Of course though if she was going into a home ( although I doubt that would happen as mum would move in with her in that case hence her moving there to start with, as nan getting older etc ) the house and flat would have to be sold though so it is a risk but a doubtful one as she's adamant she will die in her flat

[user1468485204]

Becky546
My mum said that to her last week and her reply was, that's fine go, I don't need you here, annoying me when I am busy.
Probably is my mum can't leave there as that's where her job is and where she has always wanted to retire.

[Wolpertinger]

Please wait and find out what sort of treatment your mum needs for her basal cell tumour before making any sort of decision - basal cell skin cancer is NOT melanoma and is one of the most treatable forms of skin cancer. Almost every single case is completely cured as it is so rare for it to spread.

Her treatment is likely to be surgery but once that is done, it's over and no more worries.

While you would have lost your council tenancy, job, children's schools, everything.

Not all cancers are the same - this is not 'cancer' like you are panicking about.

[LIZS]

I wouldn't make any rash decisions. Basal Cell is usually not life limiting. As long as your dm has supportive family and friends who could help out with transport or company for any appointments once the initial shock has passed she may find she can cope with you visiting occasionally. Uprooting a family and compromising your long term options at the moment would be overhasty imho.

[BeckyMcDonald]

To be quite honest, the last people to be moving are you and your small children. If your mum needs your help then she can move to you and find another job. If your nan needs your mum's help then she'll have to help you out by renting you her big house.

It sounds like everyone is moving around to accommodate your nan who says she doesn't actually want any help anyway. I'd call her bluff. It's only 60 miles anyway.

[Solopower1]

You have received so much good advice on here, I can't add much, just that I am very sorry for you, having to go through all this.

The main thing is not to rush into anything. Your mum's cancer might be treatable. Your grandmother might change her mind when she sees the effect on your mum (even if it seems unlikely now).

What I have found is that when we are faced with a scary situation in one area of our lives, we often focus on another issue. I think we do it to avoid thinking about the main problem, which is outside our control, because we desperately want to do something that we can actually control. Maybe you should focus on finding out more about your mother's cancer, and maybe go to the specialist with her. Cancer is so scary, but it is extraordinary what medical science can do. You might find that her consultant is very optimistic about her chances and it is more a question of supporting her through her treatment, rather than preparing for the worst. I really hope so.

Shelve all other decisions until you know more about what you are facing.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Basal cell won't kill her. To quote from the skin cancer people "basal cell carcinoma can be cured in almost every case." It's treatable, it doesn't spread. You wouldn't rush to move near her if she had appendicitis, and they removed her appendix, would you? Would it help to think of this the same way - it's a minor problem, they remove the minor problem, she gets on with her life as it was before. If they thought the other mole was a melanoma, they would have either removed it immediately or given her an appointment for within two weeks to have it removed. It may be that this is also a BCC - some people can be prone to them.

[MargaretCavendish]

This has got be the third post you've made about this? Maybe even the fourth? To be honest at this point I think you should move. You are clearly so aware of all the reasons it's a bad idea, but you are clearly also going to continue to be unhappy until it's done. It is really affecting your life, and I have no doubt that it's also affecting your marriage? I wouldn't move in your circumstances (I doubt many people would) but I think if you're this fixed on moving it is just going to dominate your life until you actually do.

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

What MargaretCavendish said. You can't just keep going over and over it in your head.If you'll be happier there then go.

[user1468485204]

Above poster - I think you're right.
I was already feeling like this before this cancer talk.
This has just highlighted how unhappy I actually am.
I am also very worried that when my nan does pass, at whatever age that is, that we will be uprooting the kids to move there then anyway ( as plan was always to buy a property big enough for us all plus my mum by the seaside ) and it could be at a far worse time, teens may not want to move etc.

[user1468485204]

The rental market is lethal though, I have been looking and every property on there has gone within a day.
So I hope I can actually make the move after all this and we can find somewhere.
It is a worry living year to year but I do think I will be happier, I just feel selfish for the kids.

[KindDogsTail]

I am very sorry about your mum and I hope she makes a full recovery.

I too think you have had a shock and should be careful of making any drastic decision. From what I read, I second what RoundandRound said: support her from where you are, but keep the security of your council house and school for your children. Use the extra 20% plus (what moving would cost) for travelling to see her if need be.

If I were your mother, it would upset me more to worry about you and the children losing your council home, your partner losing his job or needing to transfer, you losing your job, and the children losing their school - for a an uncertain future. It would help me no end to know you were all safe.

If your partner were to find a job where your mother is, would you be able to get a council house there on compassionate grounds?

[TheCraicDealer]

Why don't you save the 20% of the market rent you'd otherwise be paying if you weren't on this scheme and then move to near your mum when you're in a better position to buy your own place? Like others have said, there's a lot could happen with your Nan's assets other than your DMum inheriting it all. And how big a house are you going to need to house your family and your Mum and her partner? Would your DH be ok with that set up? There's not many that would, even if they do get on well.

I wouldn't be moving to near your mum until you could guarantee some stability for the kids in terms of housing and consequently schooling. Being upset about not living by the sea is one thing, but having to move from a school you're settled in because you're moving house again isn't much fun either. If that means it's not feasible in the next few years then I think you've simply got to make the best of it and try to get to a point where it's possible to buy. Sixty miles isn't that far, and if you're with each other most weekends you've got to ask yourself if the few hours more during the week you're with your mum would be worth the upset.

[Wolpertinger]

Seriously, that is very unlikely for this sort of cancer, it is very very treatable. I've been in palliative care for over 10 years now and never seen anyone die of it - you have your surgery and that's that basically.

OP make the decision you want to make about where you want to live - clearly the plan is to move to where your mum is at some point but unless your mum's specialists' come out with some big surprises there is time for job hunting etc to happen and a planned move.

[JennyHolzersGhost]

It's ok to want things yourself, you know, OP.
It sounds as though you want to move back home but need to have external reasons why. It's ok to just want something for yourself. You don't have to justify it with what is going on with other members of your family (sorry about your mum but as others say, it does sound as though she's in a relatively good position).

[Cabrinha]

If your nan rents to 3 strangers for the grand total of £200 and don't rent to you instead, you would be a fool to make any decisions based on thinking you'll inherit a penny!