To have lied to MIL

[mathsenglishscience]

Long story short, we were at a family gathering. MIL got a bit drunk, and then she was generally being nasty. She voted leave, and she was taking the piss out of remain voters. Calling us the n word and stuff. MIL then asked what I voted (remain) and I told her I voted leave so as not to make the situation worse (MIL would have then directed the abuse towards me) DH thinks I shouldnt lie to his mum. AIBU?

[burblish]

I agree completely with JudyCoolibar - I wouldn't use racist language no matter how drunk I got, because I don't have any inherent racism in me. A vile sentiment like that doesn't come out of nowhere. I would not have anything to do with someone who could use a word like that, no matter who they are.

[Charlesroi]

In vino veritas.
She really doesn't sound very nice, so I'd avoid wherever possible. Your DH can't really expect you to be civil to someone who thinks that word is acceptable. Don't get fobbed off with "oh but she was pissed"

[MilesHuntsWig]

Have you spoken to your DH about this yet? I think everyone here agrees it's out of order, but the key thing is you need to communicate this somehow...

[JudyCoolibar]

I really can't see how being pissed excuses MiL's conduct. If she wasn't inherently racist she wouldn't come out with the N word whilst drunk. And if people become rude and aggressive when pissed, it's their responsibility to keep off the booze.

[Beeziekn33ze]

MiL must be pleased with the result then!! She probably won't like the consequences, I'm not sure any of us will.

[fattyfattytoadgirl]

Your MIL sounds classy

I think people's true colours come out when they are drunk, so I don't see it as an excuse for this type of behaviour. I say this as someone who used to be heavily immersed in pub culture myself.

Of course DH doesn't want to fall out with his mum. Life would likely get very unpleasant for him by the sounds of things!

However, I think it's unreasonable of him to have a go at you for lying to MIL though. If he doesn't want to step up and deal with her, he can't criticise you when you handle it in the best way you can.

Is your DH really saying that he wanted you to tell your MIL about your remain vote so that you could take more aggressive drunken abuse from her? It wasn't like you were having a friendly debate here - she was already wildly out of control.

Does your MIL do other unpleasant things around you which you have to suck up because your DH wants to keep the peace? If so, I feel for you, as I had a MIL who was very PA and a narc. I spent years boiling with rage inside over her antics.

[CathemeralChild]

No, I was genuinely confused as I couldn't see how that N-word came into a discussion about Brexit, and so was trying to think of another N-word.
But now the penny has dropped, I agree with the other posters; I wouldn't give two shits about lying to someone who spoke to me like that. :(

[fattyfattytoadgirl]

I think you're been far TOO reasonable, if anything.

Why is your DH more worried about you telling a white lie in order to defuse a mean drunk, than he is about protecting you from this kind of abuse? He should be on your side.

[trafalgargal]

No matter who the N word was directed at .....in my world MIL should either to told to stfu and or chucked in a cab home.

[Puffinity]

Having re-read OP's posts, I am actually not 100% sure the n-word was directed at her, so maybe that's why her DP didn't react instantly (still not acceptable though). Of course, the post could be a wind-up, but it is equally tiring to constantly hear that remain voters are falsely accusing the leavers of racism. I think most people on either side do not fit the stereotype. That said, the number of racist incidents reported has gone up significantly since last week.

[happypoobum]

Where does it say MIL called OP the N word "for the first time ever?" Where does it say DH "did nothing?"

[Ezzie29]

The impression I got was that the MIL was calling remainers in general the n word, not specifically the OP as she didn't know the OP voted remain. Did I read it wrong?

Either way, that's horrible. I met an elderly family member for the first time earlier this week as she lives In England and came to visit us and subjected us to a similar tirade, I was horrified.

[Puffinity]

Dutch I don't think that is what the OP said at all - she said her MIL used the n-word. That is racist, whether it suits your beliefs re remain voters or not!

[Dutchcourage]

Yes because all leavers are racists.

Yawn.

[Puffinity]

I'd be rather pissed off with my DH (to put it mildly) that he didn't stand up for me when I was being racially abused (unlikely to happen to me, but the same would apply for other types of abuse), by a family member. If he then had the guts to tell me not to lie there would be some serious conversations to be had between the two of us...

[JudyCoolibar]

I'd have walked out as soon as the racism started.

[Pardonwhat]

DoreenLethal - I also asked what the N word was because I didn't for a second imagine it would be the racist one and I couldn't think what insult started with the letter N. Being a condescending cow isn't an attractive trait either.

[BolshierAryaStark]

Wow, I think your white lie should be the least of your DH's concerns really. Did he not have any views on her vile behaviour & vocabulary?

[SanityClause]

Everyone knows what the n-word is so don't be so bloody disingenuous.

(To the posters who asked, not the OP!)

[spanky2]

Your dh should turn his attention to his mum who obviously shouldn't drink because she gets nasty. No one should have to put up with a nasty racist drunk. The n word is totally unacceptable.

[MilesHuntsWig]

Not at all, she sounds vile and you can't reason with crazy/drunk... She sounds both tbh.

[DoreenLethal]

What's the n word?!

Come on now. It is one thing being goady but unless you live in an actual bubble, surely you know what the n word is? This pretend stupidity is just not an attractive trait.