If you were on a first date with someone and he got into a physical fight with another bloke would you see him again?

[YouAreMySweetestDownfall]

Our first date was just a few drinks at the pub and then onto a house party after. In the early hours the party spilt out onto the street and a bloke came up to me and said within obvious earshot of my date. 'You know this guy's a loser, you could do so much better'. (clearly he was being a twat too). So my date went mad punching him and it turned into a full scale fight in the road that had to be broken up by the police!

This was years ago. I not only agreed to a second date but went onto marry him and have a child. Now finally split. What's wrong with me? I'm having therapy and thoughts like this keep cropping up. Would that always be such an obvious red flag or have you been so in love with someone from the word go you overlook these things?

Nowadays - no, absolutely not, violence a total no-no for me.

But I recently divorce my H of many years, and from the start there were red flags that if I saw them happening to anyone else I would shout 'run a mile' yet I married him and for years made excuses for his dreadful behaviour. I was deluded.

We all make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes are based on our lack of self esteem and self confidence (I was convinced no other man would ever be interested in me and considered myself incredibly lucky to have a man who wanted to marry me - utter bollocks obviously).
Even bad experiences can be used to help us form and define our boundaries of what is acceptable, and know how to protect ourselves in future.

Congratulate and be proud of yourself for the steps you have taken now to get out of this relationship, and move on with your life - armed with your experience. There's nothing wrong with you, you are getting therapy to help you process what has happened - good for you, that's a very pro active thing to do, that proves you are a strong person - you will be OK, really you will

Well, this would have been a deal-breaker for me. Yes. But I have exercised some terrible judgement in the past and we live and learn.

Be as generous with forgiveness for yourself as you would be with others

I wouldn't. Glad you have realised now.

We all make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes are based on our lack of self esteem and self confidence (I was convinced no other man would ever be interested in me and considered myself incredibly lucky to have a man who wanted to marry me - utter bollocks obviously).
Even bad experiences can be used to help us form and define our boundaries of what is acceptable, and know how to protect ourselves in future.

This is very wise.

OP, I've spent a long time berating myself for being so stupid as to pick the man I did to marry. It's a bit of a waste of time, tbh.

Think of it like this - you've had a painful journey from the old days of not understanding to your current place of understanding. Don't criticise your younger self for not knowing what you hadn't yet learnt. Take heart from how far you've come.

We all make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes are based on our lack of self esteem and self confidence (I was convinced no other man would ever be interested in me and considered myself incredibly lucky to have a man who wanted to marry me - utter bollocks obviously).
Even bad experiences can be used to help us form and define our boundaries of what is acceptable, and know how to protect ourselves in future.

Very good advice there.

Thanks everyone and yes kurri that is good advice

Be kind to yourself, What's crucial is you don't make same mistake again, what made these qualities so attractive.

Violence is a sign of poor emotional control. No.