DS split up from friend in classes from next year

[sadnortherner]

Hi

DS's school have just published the classes for next year. He's a year 3 going into year 4

The school have a new policy starting this year where they split the classes up every two years to encourage the children to make new friends. The current class have been together since year 1 as have other classes.

DS and his best friend have been inseperable since reception class together, they do projects together and do all their work together, play together, eat together and so on. They're not naughty and don't cause any issues (other than being told to stop chattering sometimes which they comply with)

The schoool have decided to split them up for next year and they are both absolutely distraught about it with floods of tears today. He doesn't make close friends easily and he doesn't like football and all the boys in his new planned class are football mad.

I understand that the school are worried about setting a precedent if they agree to every request but I've got a meeting tomorrow with them to see if we can get them to reconsider.

There's several other children in the class with really close friendships who are also really upset about it - not really sure this is a great policy at this age.

AIBU to try and get them to not split them up?

[seasidesally]

seaside - the separation wouldn't benefit everybody though, would it? It's not going to benefit these two friends for a start. Just because they're happy and others are not, doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong!

so you dont think this will benefit the two friends in the long run,i disagree as others have said in the longterm it will

this "problem" happens every year through out the country and i dont think its had a negative effect on a child in the longterm

should the school change the class for op is it ok to do the same for other parents with the same/valid reason (but then i suppose op's point is valid but others are not)

why dont the school let the parents decide who goes in who's class as the school clearly have no idea what they are doing

[FuriousFate]

I can't help thinking that it's almost like they're being punished for forming a solid friendship. Yes - if one of the two was particularly dominant and it was causing issues, by all means split them. Splitting them for the sake of it just seems spiteful to me.

[Laiste]

At 8 he is getting to the stage where they start to split classes into different abilities and groups and do much more of their work alone anyway, so are not always with their friends. For this reason he should indeed be starting to get used to not seeing class time as 'friend' time. Play and lunch time is when you meet up with your mates.

[HanYOLO]

I think it will help you support your little boy more effectively if you understand their reasoning.

[VoleSnuffle]

Our school has done this for years.

Their reasons (90 students per year) are to address any emerging imbalances as the different needs of the children become evident. They consider

Gender
Academic ability
Special educational needs
Numbers
Negative preferences
Age within year group
Special talents and creative gifts
Social, emotional, mental health/Behavioural issues
Social preferences

Your child may have a beautiful friendship but they may exclude any child from joining in that friendship. They will still see each other at play time and lunch and any play date you arrange.

You need to help your child learn to cope with change and put a positive spin on this class change.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

YANBU to be upset on your child's behalf, but YABU to book a meeting to discuss it. The teachers won't have woken up one morning and thought, "I know what will disrupt everyone the most....". It's done for the benefit of all the children. The fact your DC hasn't automatically connected with any of the children in his new class so far doesn't mean he won't ever, or that he can't still sit with and play with his close friend.

[pollyblack]

Yabu I wish they would do this at every year transition, my sons been stuck in a duff class for five years now.

[sadnortherner]

Many thanks for the feedback everyone, much appreciated (even you Seaside Sally!)

I guess it's easy to get a bit blinded by wanting to keep things stable and happy for your kids but obviously, that's not real life and we've all got to grow up sometime and I can always rely on AIBU to help see that!

I will have a chat with the school tomorrow about handling the change because he is petrified about it - I think his biggest concern is the football element because he hates it and it's all the new lads talk about, nothing else and his new class teacher is the football coach.

I'll work with him about trying to get to know the new kids and see if they have any other interests he can bond with them over.

Thanks again for feedback and posts.

[OneInEight]

A similar move was a disaster for ds2. In hindsight it might have been less of a disaster if we had asked for more help from his new class teacher to help him make new friendships with the other boys rather than sticking him on a table with just girls because they were the same academic ability. He became increasingly unhappy that year and whilst there were lots of other things going on being separated from his friends was a major contributory factor. So YANBU to ask for a meeting with school to ask for their help in making the transition a positive one for your son.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

it happens to all kids in state schools

No, it really doesn't. It hasn't happened to my children, for instance, in a full two-form entry school.

[seasidesally]

No, it really doesn't. It hasn't happened to my children, for instance, in a full two-form entry school

i stand corrected

[NeverbuytheDailyMail]

My child only started school last summer so he is now about to leave P1 and enter P2. I have slight controlling tendencies and this year has been HARD but GOOD in helping me to deal with that. I can see why you are anxious about this. I am anxious about next term (but only because there is a P2 teacher who is a cowbag old-school authoritarian and I'm shitting it that DC will get her.

You say that he has only started to settle in - have there been issues? I can see what other posters are saying about the school considering the make up of the classes before posting them, but you know your child best and if you think that this change will adversely affect his confidence and learning then I think that you are right to at least meet with his teachers. They may well be able to explain and reassure you. Best of luck.

Gahhhhhh... it's hard!

[SuffolkNWhat]

This happens every year at our (mine and DDs) school apart from the single year groups. We have an odd mix of 1, 2 & 3 form entries across the school. A lot of thought goes into the balance of the classes as we have a very transient school community so the class at the start of the year is very different to the end. We don't do this just to piss parents off but on what works best for the children. Sometimes best friends are better off being split, they may bring a certain skill to two classes instead of one, it may be to redress an imbalance of sexes in the classes, it may even be because they talk non stop when in the same
Room!

Do go in and talk about how to beat support the transition but you're unlikely to get the move overturned.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

DS school split the class in Y4 - they split the group of naughty kids - so now there in a huge group of them rather than the previous 2 smaller sets

He lost his BF - they were promised a mix at wet break and lunch time - it never happened - they were promised to sit together on the bus, or mix for trips - it never happened - each class leaves for lunch t different times they are never in the queue together or on the same table .

It has been a nightmare for the last 2 years for lots of children.

[PandasRock]

I can understand your worry, especially as this is a new policy for your school.

My dd's school has a policy to mix up the classes each year - there is no guarantee at all, from one year to the next. Dd2 was given some leeway, and had a good friend with guaranteed to be with her for a couple of years (she has ASD) but school have relied on this more than they should, and as others have pointed out, dd ended up using her friend as a crutch - lazy on the part of the school, and not particularly good for either dd2 or her friend.

I am crossing fingers that next week, I find out that dd2 is not in the same class as friend next year, but I don't hold out much hope. As I said, it's much easier for the school if she is...

[NataliaOsipova]

They've just done this at my DD's school - they stress they are working groups and that the children can play with whomever they wish at playtime. I think by year 3/4/5 it's getting a bit more serious anyway, so potentially it's a positive if it helps them concentrate on class and look forward to meeting up at break.

[PoptartPoptart]

As well as encouraging new friendship groups, the school also has to think about balancing classes as best they can. They try to proportion the ratio of boys/girls, summer born/winter born, take SEN needs into account, etc. It's a tricky process. I can totally understand your concerns but I think the best way you can help your child is to be positive and look at it as an opportunity to make more friends instead of focussing on losing one.

[NarkyKnockers]

I think yabu. If your ds and this boy are really as inseparable as you say separating them will do then both good in terms odmf widening their social circle and learning to communicate with new people/different personalities etc

[LyndaNotLinda]

I agree with everyone else. I'm sure there are other friends he knows in his class and it will help him in the long run.

I actually think intense 1-2-1 friendships in primary are a really bad idea. Children need to learn how to deal with a wide range of other kids, they need to go outside their comfort zone. The friendships also have the potential to blow up really badly in the transition between KS1 and 2 when children change an awful lot

[Ilovewillow]

I know she was younger but my daughter and her two best friends were all split up in yr 2 so one in each class. We were all concerned but they all made a wider circle of friends and coped really well. They all played together loads at break and saw each other at weekends too. Still really good friends but I think they all really benefitted. At our infants and juniors they all move groups every yr and swap seats in class every week. It's a real musical chairs!

I hope the meeting goes well but in case it doesn't I wanted to offer you some hope!

[GoblinLittleOwl]

Simply, yes you are being unreasonable.
It is a pity the school didn't start this policy after Reception.

[TTwidow]

My children have been mixed up every year bar one. They are now in years 5 and 6. I think it's been great for their confidence and social skills. It might be hard at the time/start of the school year, but it's a good lesson in learning to make new friends.

[TestCardF]

This happened to my ds going from P5 into a composite class of P6/7. There were 7 P6s and 13 P7s. He had the same reaction to your ds when he found out what class he was in. He wasn't particularly friendly with any of the people going into his class. One of them even said "Oh, not you!" to my ds when he found out my ds was in his class! By the end of the year all the P6s were all a really close group of friends and it improved his confidence so much by having to make new friends from scratch. He's now in secondary school but still says it was his favourite year of primary. Try going with what the school have said and see how he gets on.

[teaandbiscuitsforme]

It's not generally about widening friendships.

One class may have more SEN whilst the other has more girls/Autumn birthdays/EAL/high attainers, etc...

Decisions are always made with the children's learning at the forefront- yes relationships are part of that but they're not the main driver.

[Sunnymeg]

This happened to DS when he was 8 and he was distraught to think that he would be apart from his best friend. What happened was that they still played together at break and lunch and still met up after school. In reality very little changed, other than not sitting together in class. They are both 14 now and still really good friends, even though they ended up going to different secondary schools. DS doesn't bother with any one else from his primary, but I think having the time apart when they were younger helped make the friendship stronger.