Did I do wrong here?

[NeedACleverNN]

My family appear to have fallen out with me over babysitting issues.

I have a wedding to go on Saturday and would like to enjoy the evening child free. So I advertised for a baby sitter. I didn't bother to ask my side of the family as I have previously been let down A LOT and I knew they busy in the first place. They had posted all over FB the other day about how mum was at work but dad and little brother will be at a bbq and mum will join them after work has finished.

My sister went nuts at me because I didn't ask them first.

I didn't ask my sister because she has a 4 year old and 6 month old and the baby sitting would be when the children are in bed. So she would be unavailable anyway. She wouldn't understand my predicament anyway as for her entire parenting life, whenever she needed a babysitter my mum has re-arranged everything in order to do it. If I ask, she makes excuses as to why she can't.

My favourite example was when I asked if she could look after my children for the night and she said she couldn't as she was working. No problem. However the night in question, she then posted photos all over FB of my niece and nephew who she was babysitting

My family are now refusing to speak to me and I know when they eventually do, it will be how hurt they are etc etc etc.

So did I actually do anything wrong in the first place by bypassing everyone and finding my own private sitter?

[TheNaze73]

YANBU. They are

[diddl]

Oh I'm sure it's not easy.

I have one sibling & an aging parent.

We are all in different countries & I see my parent more than my sibling & occasionally we crossover on our visits iyswim.

We get on well enough when we do see each other & they are always on about keeping in touch & it'll be just us two soon.

But it's always me doing the contacting & they rarely answer specific questions.

I suppose they are just very self centred.

I know that it's nothing like what you are going through, but it has taken me time to accept this & not to invest too much of myself in it all.

[NeedACleverNN]

I know you are right diddl but like they say old habits die hard.

My dh is ever so frustrated with me. He was the one who originally pointed out everything. He is the one who has to pick up the pieces every time. Yet he will never stop me going back because he respects my choice.

For now though, if they don't want to talk to me, I won't be speaking to them. Let's see how long it lasts

[diddl]

At the very least I think tha tyou should try low contact.

They treat you really badly & you'd probably drop a friend who treated you like that.

It shouldn't be any different because they're related.

And if they treat you badly, why should they get to see your daughter?

How long before they are the same with her?

Well, they already are, aren't they as you do all the running!

[coffeetasteslikeshit]

Therapy helped btw and I can see what she's doing now. I don't think she does it consciously, which is why I put up with it. But yes, it's emotional abuse.

[coffeetasteslikeshit]

My DM is like this too. She recently accused me of not letting them see the boys much (she never asks to) and being our last resort for babysitters (true, as she told me that she would only have one at a time, so not much use if we are going out).
It's pointless arguing about it as she is always right and will turn on the tears as a last resort.

[NeedACleverNN]

Question is, when they deign to speak to you again, why would you bother replying

Probably .
I am a glutton for punishment I really am. I want to say fuck it, I've had enough no more and go no or low contact but then I think, it's my family. My parents. My children's grand parents and I end up feeling guilty again

[KateLivesInEngland]

My mother would do this!
Fortunately I have great in laws who will sit for us no problem but if for any reason they can't, I simply ask friends and bypass my mum altogether.
She gets arsey sometimes but I'm sick of the excuses. My mum Bigs Up her wonderful grandchildren on FB yet does diddly squat for them in real life. Really winds me up.

[CaptainCrunch]

My mil was like this. Every time I asked her to babysit she had a reason not to and the rare times she did she'd ring up halfway through and say dc were crying because they were missing me. I stopped asking her and started using an agency, she went ballistic about getting strangers to look after the dc.

[Spring2016]

No, yanbu in the least they should calm down. You hired a babysitter, nothing wrong with that.

[PirateFairy45]

No. They are being petty and childish

[diddl]

Of course you did nothing wrong.

Question is, when they deign to speak to you again, why would you bother replying?

[NeedACleverNN]

They sound awful. Out of interest, did you pull your sister up on not turning up, tell her how disappointed and let down your DD was?

No it seriously wasn't worth the argument. I've already been accused of not involving them enough, so if I was to say that it would all kick out and I just don't want the aggravation.

Yes I advertised on FB and I doubt it was all about saving face. Because the same thing happens if the in laws look after them
Conversation would go like this
"What did you do last night"
"Oh we went to the cinema"
"Who had the children"
"Sister in law did"
"Oh. That was nice of her"

I don't rise to the bait otherwise it would end up being a major family fall out and I don't think my nan could cope with it. My grandad died on the 1st of May and she's really struggling to cope

[Greatblue0wl]

They sound a very difficult bunch. But, how did you advertise for the babysitter. Was it on Facebook, and they all saw it? Maybe they thought you were making a public display of them?

[Lovewineandchocs]

YANBU. Sorry if I'm wrong about this, but it sounds like they enjoy hurting you and pushing your buttons by repeatedly turning down your requests then going one step further by rubbing it in your face that heaven and earth will be moved for your sister. They went nuts because you arranged babysitting off your own bat, thereby denying them the chance to hurt you yet again. Just don't engage with them about it. Enjoy the wedding!

[RiverTam]

They sound awful. Out of interest, did you pull your sister up on not turning up, tell her how disappointed and let down your DD was?

[Ladybird08]

I have similar issues. My mom never seems to want to babysit. She always says can I ask my in laws instead who are not in good health. Then she says evenings and weekends are her and my stepdads time together. I mentioned a while back that I was looking into getting an evening babysitter and she got all offended saying "you only have to ask" 😡
Have decided to ignore her and not bother asking her anymore. She can like it or lump it.

[altiara]

Oops unreliable strike through fail

[altiara]

You need a babysitter and didn't ask ----unreliable family because you knew they were busy! Unbelievable! You know if you'd asked them, that would BU too!
If you need to just repeat I knew you were busy and didn't want you to feel like you needed to change your plans just for me

[NeedACleverNN]

Funny thing is, growing up, I was the golden child and my sister was the terror

It stayed this way until my sister had my niece. Now my niece is Jesus reborn. They even put her above their own 3 year old son

[blondieblondie]

I hope you told your shit sister that story. Did she ever mention it? YANBU.

[DJBaggieSmalls]

YANBU, she sounds like the golden child and you are the scapegoat.

[LowlLowl]

Your children, your choice of babysitter! It's really not their business at all and YANBU. Sorry it's such a tough situation though.

[NeedACleverNN]

It's a hard one really isn't it?

I've only realised after the last couple of days that I grew up being emotionally abused. Whether it was a concious thing or not is another matter but I was.

Even now, they have a way of getting themselves into my head and making me feel like it's all my fault

[junebirthdaygirl]

For goodness sake you couldn't put up with such nonsense. Just ignore them and enjoy your wedding. When they say anything just say lm sorry you feel like that or some such totally bland thing.