To think DH and his sister should clear out his mums home

[Notthinkingclearly]

DH's mum had severe dementia and general failing health. She has been in a home for the last year and there is no way she will ever come home. Her 3 bed house is empty and I have suggested a couple of times that they should think about clearing out his mums house and perhaps renting it but my DH is horrified and thinks I am being vey insensitive and it won't be done until she dies.Aibu? At the moment her care is being paid for by the council but I think this is due to stop so any money that she has will soon be swallowed up. Renting the property for the last year would have helped with the cost of the home. My DH and his sister always like to talk in private about these matters and make a point if excluding me. Am I being a cow?

[FinderofNeedles]

It's not your decision. Support your DH in the decisions he makes, even if they are not the ones you would make, and even if, with hindsight, he could have made better decisions. There's nothing to be gained later by saying 'I told you you should have done X at the time'.

Not an easy position for you (I can relate to this); but worse for your DH.

Are DH and his Dsis in contact with carers groups or professionals, to make sure they have the best advice and information? These situations are a minefield and details vary between council areas.

[Bolograph]

There is no way her care is being funded by the council if she has a property.

That isn't the case. If the owner is incapable of making decisions and no-one has power of attorney, the house cannot be sold. One common option (as happened recently to two relatives) is that the council provides care but the cost of that care becomes a debt of the estate, when the house is sold by the executors/administrators subsequent to the patient's death.

What do you think happens? Suppose someone has a house, a small pension, dementia and no Power of Attorney? Who else can fund care other than the council?

[Bolograph]

Renting the property for the last year would have helped with the cost of the home.

Without a power of attorney, how would they do this?

[RhiWrites]

Safer for the house to be rented out than left empty.

Thisis what we've done with my aunts house. It was stressing but had to be done. She will never come home again.

[JsOtherHalf]

Are you sure the care isn't being funded by continuing care from the health service?

[Discopanda]

Could you perhaps compromise by doing any maintenance or decorating now so it's ready when she passes away?

[gamerwidow]

What you suggest is practical but I expect your dh and his dsis are finding it hard to just chuck out their mums stuff because it feels too final.
Ultimately you need to wait until they're ready to face this themselves.

[Bolograph]

What you suggest is practical but I expect your dh and his dsis are finding it hard to just chuck out their mums stuff because it feels too final.

And if when the music stops it turns out that the will doesn't make them the sole beneficiaries, other people named in it would be justly extremely cross, and might start talking about "theft".

[Wolpertinger]

It sounds like the care home is being paid by NHS Continuing Health Care. This does get reviewed and may not continue, especially if it was granted on the basis that someone was imminently dying and then they don't (sorry to be very blunt) if their needs are not sufficiently complex. However if their needs remain complex the funding may continue and the care home placement remain fully funded by the NHS.

You are being very practical - when someone is self-funding or part-funding with Social Services clearing out the home and renting/selling is usually one of the first things the family have to face.

However your DH and his sister have presumably been facing the imminent death of their mum, uncertainty about her prognosis, lots of mixed messages and it's just too much for them to deal with. At the end of the day, she's not your mum and I would butt out for now - if the funding dries up and she has to self-fund the nursing home, they'll be told soon enough.

[Arkwright]

If she was sectioned then they will pay for her care.

[SuburbanRhonda]

Otherwise you risk coming across as grabby.

In what way is the OP coming across as grabby? As pp have said its not really her business but if her DH is funding the care in any way it is entirely her business.

[Griphook]

Did you get on with mil, do you visit her, has she been made welcome in your home?

[SuburbanRhonda]

What difference does that make, grip?

DH's MIL was always welcome in our home until she moved to be nearer to BIL's family and spent most of her time with them. Nonetheless, it was DH who spent the best part of a year selling her house and winding up her estate as BIL had moved abroad.

[Hamishandthefoxes]

What does that have to go with anything Griphook? If MIL is as ill as the op says, any past history between her and mil is irrelevant.

I'd suggest to your DH that they take anything valuable out of the property and see if they can store in in a bank or managed storage. Personally, I agree with you, but can see that it is too difficult for them to face at the moment.

[SuburbanRhonda]

• Sorry, DH's DM - my MIL

[Griphook]

I just read so many threads on her about how mil aren't always welcome and are treated at arms length (there's one now about not letting mil stay in the spare room) if that's the case here, (which is why I asked) op's dh may well think it's nothing to do with op if the relationship hasn't been one of warmth. Which could explain why dh and sil don't include op in conversations regarding mil, and why he said she was insensitive.

Obviously they might have had a good relationship.

[SuburbanRhonda]

Yes, that's quite an assumption to make, grip!

[Gide]

What 7to25 says. Clear the jewellery.

I think leave your DP to it. Not your mum.

[SuburbanRhonda]

And I presume if the MIL hadn't been made welcome in the home the OP shares with her DH, that will have been his decision too.

[Griphook]

Yes, that's quite an assumption to make, grip! it wasn't an assumption, it was a genuine questions regarding the relationship between the op, dh sil and a possible reason to why the op is being left out of the loop

[Pinkheart5915]

It's your DH mum and is totally up to him if & when they clear it out. I imagine it's not an easy thing to do.

Leave all talks about it to your DH and his sister

[SuburbanRhonda]

If was a genuine question, you'd have asked how what the relationship was like between the OP and her DH, not whether the OP welcomed her into her home, etc. And you wouldn't even have mentioned the MIL bashing threads on here, then suggested as an afterthought that the relationship may have been fine.

I'm not the only pp you didn't fool with that question.

[Postchildrenpregranny]

For practical reasons I cleared out MIL flat when she went into a care home Self funding so we had to sell though it wasn't urgnt DH had POS
MIL had dementia and going through her things remnded me of the person she used to be -knitting patterns,painting materials even cookery books .So although painful it was quite a soothing experience an yes could have been cathartic
Don't underestimate the time it takes It took me a month of 4/5hours a day five days a week to empty ,dispose of everything (dustbin recycling charity etc)
I think OP is just being practical .Sounds as though her DH and SOL have hadtime to get usedttot the situation
Yes council will pay for care if continuing funding ends but will charge the estate and I believe charge as much as 8% interest on.the loan
We consisted letting the flat but MIL already paid tax as had good pension and it wasnt worth the hassle

[amidawish]

logically and rationally you're probably right
but emotionally i can see why they don't want to do it / can't take their mum's house from under her feet. it would be as if they're giving up on her getting better. which of course rationally again that is probably the reality but different to actively acting on it.

so YABU. your dh needs your love and compassion, not advice.

[bigbluebus]

I think they need to be aware that insurance (buildings and contents) is usually invalid if the property has been empty for more than 2 or 3 months. They need to check the policies.
Other than that, it is up to them if/when they clear. Everyone deals with things in different ways.