To think DH and his sister should clear out his mums home

[Notthinkingclearly]

DH's mum had severe dementia and general failing health. She has been in a home for the last year and there is no way she will ever come home. Her 3 bed house is empty and I have suggested a couple of times that they should think about clearing out his mums house and perhaps renting it but my DH is horrified and thinks I am being vey insensitive and it won't be done until she dies.Aibu? At the moment her care is being paid for by the council but I think this is due to stop so any money that she has will soon be swallowed up. Renting the property for the last year would have helped with the cost of the home. My DH and his sister always like to talk in private about these matters and make a point if excluding me. Am I being a cow?

[Shakey15000]

It's NHS funded, not council. Continuing Care

[Sierra259]

I'm surprised that the house hasn't been sold to pay for the home fees? I didn't think the council paid for homes if the individual had assets over a certain amount? Certainly my grandmother had to self-fund until hers dropped below a certain threshold.

[Shakey15000]

Suburban but the DH isn't contributing financially is he? Nor is his sister.

Had the OP continued to suggest renting the house when A. There is no financial requirement and B. It's not her decision anyway then as quoted imo, she risked coming cross (note: not "being" ) as grabby.

[GnomeDePlume]

People can be very odd about childhood homes.

DM moved away from the home we had grown up in about 15 years ago. It came on the market again a couple of years ago (so next owners had been in it over 10 years). DB was absolutely furious. He had seen the estate agent pictures and declared the the owners had desecrated the place. It was like he thought it was a national monument or something!

[kath6144]

Op I think you are being very sensible and practical. My mum went into a home at New Year, went onto fully funded NHS care after 2 weeks, then sadly died after 6 weeks. My brother was adament we wouldnt consider sorting anything until she died (she could have fully funded herself for much longer than her prognosis) but if she had lingered I think we would have started sorting some belongings.

Do check insurance - ours let us continue the combined policy to renewal in early May, then would only cover Buildings. Fortunately we had sold it in April and my DH and I were in the process of emptying contents so it wasn't a problem.

Dont underestimate the amount of time to empty - mum had a small 2 bed bungalow & wasn't a hoarder, but it has taken my DH and I many days to clear it - we live 2 hours away so thats a lot of weekend visits. DB is lazy & useless and lives even further away, without a car, so it has all fallen to us!

[HiddenMeaning]

Not. I think your suggestion is a good one but it sounds like your DHs family is like my DHs. I occasionally say something but generally keep quiet. I don't think your suggestion was inappropriate - it would only be inappropriate if you kept on about it.

[cosmicglittergirl]

I think it's a sensible idea, especially if there's care to pay for eventually.

[BaboonBottom]

What's the position with the council tax? I can't remember how it was with my grandfather, we had the same. No one wanted to deal with it until he'd gone. It's very sad, but it felt wrong to do it before

[Notthinkingclearly]

I'm sorry if I come across as mercinary and I totally take on board everyone's comments. I have always got on very well with mil, went on holiday etc with her. To clarify DH has power of attorney with his sister. I feel that it will be an even sadder task to do once she has passed away as the house is becoming more and more rundown but I will take everyone's advice on board and keep quiet.

[SugarBlossom92]

Is it their childhood home? When my nan died my mum and her sisters couldn't handle the thought of strangers buying and living in their mums home which was their childhood home my nan had lived there for 50 years, so my auntie bought it and lives there now.

[BaboonBottom]

Don't mention it again, it makes it final she's not coming home. It's seen and felt to be something done after death. For now there's hope. Yes it's denial, but it's emotional.

My grand father also had care paid for despite owning a property, it was because he needed more care than could be provided at home but less than hospital.

[AyeAmarok]

Beak out. You're being very insensitive.

It's grabby because chucking her stuff out and renting it will be an income they can use to pay the care home, rather than using her savings, so then there's more savings left when she dies.

[trafalgargal]

Why do you feel you need to be involved ?
If it was just your OH dealing with it all as an only child then yes it would be the right thing to offer (not inflict) advice and support - but he and his sister seem to be happy to make the decisions between them.

I can understand if your relationship with your MIL isn't close that they wouldn't include you - but even if you are close many people would feel it's entirely a matter for the siblings.

You sound cross to be feeling excluded rather than anything else . The most helpful thing you can do is support your OH emotionally -as seeing a parent lose who they are is terribly hard to deal with.

[Griphook]

I'm not the only pp you didn't fool with that question. who would I be trying to fool? I don't get it?
what then would be my reason for asking about op's and mil relationship then?

[bigbluebus]

I think they need to be aware that insurance (buildings and contents) is usually invalid if the property has been empty for more than 2 or 3 months. They need to check the policies.
Other than that, it is up to them if/when they clear. Everyone deals with things in different ways.

[amidawish]

logically and rationally you're probably right
but emotionally i can see why they don't want to do it / can't take their mum's house from under her feet. it would be as if they're giving up on her getting better. which of course rationally again that is probably the reality but different to actively acting on it.

so YABU. your dh needs your love and compassion, not advice.

[Postchildrenpregranny]

For practical reasons I cleared out MIL flat when she went into a care home Self funding so we had to sell though it wasn't urgnt DH had POS
MIL had dementia and going through her things remnded me of the person she used to be -knitting patterns,painting materials even cookery books .So although painful it was quite a soothing experience an yes could have been cathartic
Don't underestimate the time it takes It took me a month of 4/5hours a day five days a week to empty ,dispose of everything (dustbin recycling charity etc)
I think OP is just being practical .Sounds as though her DH and SOL have hadtime to get usedttot the situation
Yes council will pay for care if continuing funding ends but will charge the estate and I believe charge as much as 8% interest on.the loan
We consisted letting the flat but MIL already paid tax as had good pension and it wasnt worth the hassle

[SuburbanRhonda]

If was a genuine question, you'd have asked how what the relationship was like between the OP and her DH, not whether the OP welcomed her into her home, etc. And you wouldn't even have mentioned the MIL bashing threads on here, then suggested as an afterthought that the relationship may have been fine.

I'm not the only pp you didn't fool with that question.

[Pinkheart5915]

It's your DH mum and is totally up to him if & when they clear it out. I imagine it's not an easy thing to do.

Leave all talks about it to your DH and his sister

[Griphook]

Yes, that's quite an assumption to make, grip! it wasn't an assumption, it was a genuine questions regarding the relationship between the op, dh sil and a possible reason to why the op is being left out of the loop

[SuburbanRhonda]

And I presume if the MIL hadn't been made welcome in the home the OP shares with her DH, that will have been his decision too.

[Gide]

What 7to25 says. Clear the jewellery.

I think leave your DP to it. Not your mum.

[SuburbanRhonda]

Yes, that's quite an assumption to make, grip!

[Griphook]

I just read so many threads on her about how mil aren't always welcome and are treated at arms length (there's one now about not letting mil stay in the spare room) if that's the case here, (which is why I asked) op's dh may well think it's nothing to do with op if the relationship hasn't been one of warmth. Which could explain why dh and sil don't include op in conversations regarding mil, and why he said she was insensitive.

Obviously they might have had a good relationship.

[SuburbanRhonda]

• Sorry, DH's DM - my MIL