Aibu .. To think something sensible should be worked out here for maintenaince from ex

[Pleaseeatyourbreakfast]

Ok
Bit stressed out so sorry for gushing
Any advice or shared experience so very much appreciated

Ds 9. Has special needs ( mild .. Don't put self in shoes of other parents and friends of mine who have it seriously tough but it is far from easy with school etc .Ds has diagnosis of aspergers and adhd .. But a lot of love, time and effort has gone a long way over the years and he is a superstar in my eyes )

Ex husband . .. Is .. Sorry to say .. A bit of a twit . Actually that's an understatement : the list is pretty long
Doesn't see Ds much , doesn't support , has a persona vendetta against me as I divorced him and " stole his house "
Divorced him as he dealt with stress by beng abusive and physically violent towards me

Xh high earner .. He as Court ordered to pay high maintenaince to Ds and spousal maintenaince to me ( joint lives order ) 5 years ago . I pay for sons needs with child Maintenaince , mortgage and council tax with spousal . I work part time and receive a small amount in benefits to make up shortfall . Just . I run an overdraft and balance credit card debt

Xh has new partner and baby on way . Has been threating to reduce payment for some time . Keeps cancelling having Ds and Ds not keen to visit him as he says has no fun there and there have been incidents of X losing his temper ( not violent towards Ds I hasten to add else it would be a red card for me I assure you)

Xh told me today he has lost his job and in 3 months time he will be paying no money to me and if I have an issue I can take him to court
There is no reasoning with him when he gets on one trust me

Can he do this. ?
Any suggestions ?
Mortgage will not go away

I am in a relationship with a lovely kind man for 2 years with 3 DC of his own to support . DP would like Ds and I to move to be with him ( long distance relationship right now ) and I adore him and his DC and we all have a lovely time together ( I truly do ) but moving to a new country is a big step . I have lived alone with Ds for years and we have a "good groove" going on .

Does anybody know anything about the legal aspect ?
Solicitors v expensive

Big thank you

[sandgrown]

How old are you ? Can you consider extending your mortgage to reduce the monthly payments? I would go to CAB and check you are receiving all the benefits your son is entitled to.

[Collaborate]

Not read the whole thread....

But you do need some proper legal advice, about not just the maintenance side of things but also moving abroad.

I have to say though that uprooting your son and moving abroad to live with a man you've only had a long distance relationship with before now doesn't sound like the strongest of foundations, so you'd have to come up with a particularly strong reason why it's in your child's best interest to move.

Did the court award you top-up child maintenance due to the disability?

Perhaps explain to him that if he stops paying maintenance you'll have to consider moving abroad for financial support. Perhaps he'll suddenly find that he has a job again?

[Babyroobs]

If he is genuinely losing his job, how do you expect him to pay maintainence for your ds and spousal maintainence for you? He can't exactly pay it from £75 a week JSA can he? Not read the whole thread, so apologies if I've missed smething.

[Tanaqui]

Am I reading the same op as others? The ex injured the op so badly she dl couldn't pass a medical, yet she has continued to facilitate contact and been the main carer for a child with SN. Yes, if he has genuinely lost his job she will probably have to move, but I don't think the ex is entitled to any consideration about where she moves to- he lost that when he injured her!

[user1464519881]

1. I think you should try to stay in your house,. Also £1k a month is not that big a mortgage actually and certainly less than many people's rents these days.
   
2. I would be very careful about moving to the country of the new lover who lives in another country and has 3 children there. Could he not move into your house and pay half the mortgage or is that unfair on his 3 children back in the home country? He already works near where you live. Also check he isn't married by the way and all that usual stuff. I would not bank on the new lover to help out.
   
3. The answer is going to have to be that you find more money. Are there any extra things you can do to earn more money from home?
   
4. Your ex can lawfully apply to court to vary the amount if his company goes into administration and also now he has a new baby to support. Plenty of people play the system like this although most decent mothers and fathers prefer instead to support their first family. So the bottom line seems that it is very likely you will lose the £1k a month. You may have to look at a weekend job or Saturday job for example or perhaps some work you can do from a computer at home whilst your child sleeps just to keep going with the £1k mortgage payments. You are probably happier and better off longer term with staying in your owned house which it looks like you bought after the divorce and in which you have some equity as you bought it with a 50% mortgage, rest equity.

[AliceInUnderpants]

Do you believe your ex is losing his job? If not, you need to hire a solicitor to look into that.

If you do, you have two options:

a) Increase your income, or
b) Reduce your outgoings.

a) Increase your hours at work, or your salary in some way. Take on another part time job? Take in a lodger? Attempt to claim DLA for your son - this would also increase tax credits.
b) Sell the house, and rent or buy somewhere cheaper. Do you have any unnecessary outgoings you could reduce or cut out completely.

You don't have to tell us, but you need to look at what the overall figure is that your ex is paying each month - a huge sum I guess if spousal maintenance pays for a £1k mortgage. You need to figure out if this is sustainable. There is a budget calculator on MSE, put all your figures into this and see where you are spending money, and what you can cut.

If you would consider moving country for another man, you really should be considering moving to a cheaper area to try to maintain a similar quality of life for your son, with or without his father involved.

[Bambamrubblesmum]

Tanaqui any injury that the OP suffered at the hands of her ex was terrible and I'm hoping that she went to the Police to report it? That was assault and should have been dealt with by the criminal courts.

The OP has proactively encouraged a relationship between father and son therefore there is a bond there. It would be cruel to the child to move to another country and cut that contact. It's not about consideration to the ex but to the child.

[nonladyofleisure]

Get a full time job and tell him to shove his money up his arse. Sell the house. Give him what he put into it and get somewhere smaller. I couldn't have an abusive violent ex be supporting me. Sounds like he's continuing the abuse but financially

[Thymewarp]

He needs to apply to vary the court order. If he doesn't then he will be in breech of the order. I would pay a solicitor to write this to him. You are going to need a solicitor. If he simply stops paying without application to vary this will not be seen as a good thing. Being in breech of a court order will mean they can use bailiffs etc. All things I imagine he would like to avoid!

If you don't have a right to see his tax returns you should jolly well insist on this round through court. You are likely to be granted seeing them for five years which will take the guess work out of it. Is your child maintenance done through the order or through CMS? If not, also tell him in the letter that you will be making a claim through CMS. The amount he ends up having to pay you will be your first indicator of his actual income.

Save for a solicitor even if this means downsizing. A joint lives order is a big deal to give up on. Good luck!

[Pleaseeatyourbreakfast]

The you for so many responses
Much appreciated
They are varied though
One or 2 do seem a little unsympathetic ... I do feel a little on trial there .

I shall sift through them all ..I spot some genuinely good advice there so thank you .

But to clear up one point .. Xh only sees Ds once a month . Sometimes twice . His choice .. He says he is too busy and " not a babysitter " ( yes I know ) . He sometimes cancels . I don't feel I owe him that much in light of this . However what I have said and would honour is that I would bring Ds to see him one weekend a month if I move. We are talking about a short European flight . DP gets cheap travel through his job .. This will enable this I agree with my "critics" as it happens .. In principle .. Moving a child away from a parent is just not usually on at all . But in this case very little would change .