Aibu .. To think something sensible should be worked out here for maintenaince from ex

[Pleaseeatyourbreakfast]

Ok
Bit stressed out so sorry for gushing
Any advice or shared experience so very much appreciated

Ds 9. Has special needs ( mild .. Don't put self in shoes of other parents and friends of mine who have it seriously tough but it is far from easy with school etc .Ds has diagnosis of aspergers and adhd .. But a lot of love, time and effort has gone a long way over the years and he is a superstar in my eyes )

Ex husband . .. Is .. Sorry to say .. A bit of a twit . Actually that's an understatement : the list is pretty long
Doesn't see Ds much , doesn't support , has a persona vendetta against me as I divorced him and " stole his house "
Divorced him as he dealt with stress by beng abusive and physically violent towards me

Xh high earner .. He as Court ordered to pay high maintenaince to Ds and spousal maintenaince to me ( joint lives order ) 5 years ago . I pay for sons needs with child Maintenaince , mortgage and council tax with spousal . I work part time and receive a small amount in benefits to make up shortfall . Just . I run an overdraft and balance credit card debt

Xh has new partner and baby on way . Has been threating to reduce payment for some time . Keeps cancelling having Ds and Ds not keen to visit him as he says has no fun there and there have been incidents of X losing his temper ( not violent towards Ds I hasten to add else it would be a red card for me I assure you)

Xh told me today he has lost his job and in 3 months time he will be paying no money to me and if I have an issue I can take him to court
There is no reasoning with him when he gets on one trust me

Can he do this. ?
Any suggestions ?
Mortgage will not go away

I am in a relationship with a lovely kind man for 2 years with 3 DC of his own to support . DP would like Ds and I to move to be with him ( long distance relationship right now ) and I adore him and his DC and we all have a lovely time together ( I truly do ) but moving to a new country is a big step . I have lived alone with Ds for years and we have a "good groove" going on .

Does anybody know anything about the legal aspect ?
Solicitors v expensive

Big thank you

[donners312]

I am in the process of divorcing a 'high earner'.

I went the legal route but my husband 'lost' his job. I get no maintenance and I realistically will get nothing from the divorce as he emptied bank accounts etc

If men don't want to pay they can get out of it (claim to be self employed, unemployed etc)

I would therefore say sell the house get out what money you can or are entitled to and don't waste money on a court system that doesn't seem to have any power.

sorry am sure you will be fine though!!! at least you have a new lovely partner and lots of money in a house.

[Bambamrubblesmum]

You asked what happens. I think the bottom line is he will stop paying so you will need to either find the money for the mortgage from somewhere, sell the house and relocate or go into arrears.

Going down the solicitor route is going to be costly and probably achieve very little if does not have an income to pay you with.

Sorry to be doom and gloom but you asked what will happen. I think it's time to get pragmatic and as others have said downsize to a more affordable mortgage that you can pay in a worse case scenario.

Alternatively as a short term measure perhaps you could rent your place out and rent somewhere smaller and more affordable in the meantime thus holding on to your asset?

I think you can also kiss goodbye to the spousal maintenance. The longer he goes without paying it, the less inforceable it becomes. If you go back to court he can apply to vary the order based on a change in circumstances (wage gone and additional child to support). Courts can't get blood out of a stone.

It is possible for him to lose his job as a director. We've just removed one of ours for ineffective performance so whilst it seems suspicious it does happen. The company could also be folding, there are a number of scenarios that could mean he loses his job.

Bottom line is a legal battle is going to put you in a worse position financially. Sadly things have changed and you've got to readjust to weather the storm.

[seasidesally]

i dint understand why spousal maintenance is being paid

i get it where the woman has bought up the children etc while the other built a career but in this case they split when the child was very young 3 i think,and how do you get a mortgage with payments of 1k a month working part time or can you base it on maintenance or did op have the home already with now ex partner

i clearly have no idea,but then ive never had a penny for my 3 so am amazed,probably not the right word but how this all works

[VimFuego101]

Court ordered child support agreements can only be relied on for a year - after that, he could go and ask to go via the CSA. I would suggest you plan your finances with that in mind and make sure you could live on whatever the CSA would award you, in case he decides to do that. Not sure how spousal maintenance would work, but if he really has lost his job the court can't force him to pay what he doesn't have.

[GoldfishCrackers]

Chris and Sally did you miss the bit where OP states that he was abusive? That she can no longer do her old job due to injuries sustained by his assaults? That she lives in an expensive area close to him?

OP your ex sounds like a peach and I'm and some of the responses you're getting. I'm no expert so check this out but if there's a court order for maintenance in place and he simply stops paying I would expect that to be a legally enforceable debt (bailiffs through solicitor). He should be proactive and apply for a variation. Or switch jurisdiction to the CMS in which case the court order no longer applies from the changeover date. In any case you may need to move if you can no longer afford to live in such an expensive area.

[Bambamrubblesmum]

Goldfish child maintenance through a court order isn't enforceable through a bailiff. It's not a debt in that sense. There can be arrears which can be ordered to be paid but you can't start taking away assets to collect the debt. Sadly it doesn't work like that it's a lot more toothless.

If it goes to court then all he will do is plead poverty and if he has the evidence to back it up then he'll get a slap on the wrists at how he's managed it and a new order will be drawn up. Judges are reluctant to punish the defendent too much financially if they have resident children living with them. This is my experience anyway.

[seasidesally]

uhhh as i said why cant the op increase her self employed hrs,what's that got to do with her old job,i was talking about the job she has now




I don't work full time as I am self employed .. I retrained as my old profession involved constant travel .. Too hard with a special needs Ds . Also I was unable to pass the medical due to an injury resulting from the domestic violence in the marriage

i think you need to read the thread in more detail

[emilybrontescorset]

If your ex doesn't work then you are not entitled to maintenance.

If he did work and had another child to support, the maintenance he pays to your son would be reduced. This applies whether the new children are his or not. If they live in the sane house as he dies then maintenance us reduced.

You cannot force your ex to see his son .

It is rubbish but those are the facts.

I also think you should live in a cheaper house.
I don't advocate moving in with your new partner and becoming a blended family but that's just me as I am very cautious.

[GoldfishCrackers]

bambam thanks for the correction - that sucks though.

sally I was responding to your latest post about spousal maintenance - OP's earning potential has certainly been reduced as a result of this relationship.

[emilybrontescorset]

Also it doesn't matter if his new partner is a billionaire, these are still the rules.

[donners312]

it is wrong and there should be a change in the law but as it stands you are basically at the mercy of these absolute dicks!

There is a Mum on MN who is petitioning for NRP who don't pay child support to be charged with child neglect.

you can find it and sign that i will try to link it.

[donners312]

petition.parliament.uk/petitions/126895

here you go.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Unfortunately what emily says is true.

If he loses his job and gets JSA, your maintenance will be worked out based on that as his "income", so you'll get £5 a week.

If he loses his job and becomes a SAHP to his new child, you will receive nothing.

If he loses his job and becomes reliant on his new partner, you will again receive nothing.

The courts can't force someone to pay if they have no proveable income. If he can prove he's not working, they can't make him pay a penny unfortunately. That goes for child support and spousal maintenance.

It might be court-ordered but that's because when the court order was enforced, he had a high income. If his circumstances change drastically, you may have to go back to court.

I know all that sounds cold, but unfortunately it's how the law stands.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation, though I think it's really shitty that NRP's can get away with not paying for their kids, or can get away with paying the bare minimum and not seeing them. It's awful, but you can't make a parent pay (in the UK, at least, in America they get their license revoked and sent to jail if they don't pay).

I hope things turn around for you. Do you get legal aid? I would go to a solicitor first thing Monday morning and find you where you stand. Or try the CAB, they can be quite helpful in this kind of situation.

Good luck

[HermioneJeanGranger]

He's not a man who isn't paying. He's losing his job and therefore no maintenance will be due.

But he's given OP three months notice, so it sounds like he's being redundant. Why can't he find a new job so that she at least gets some support?

Losing your job as a parent isn't a reason to stay unemployed. He has a child (soon to be children) to support!

[Charley50]

Maybe you could work more hours or if you have a spare room rent it out?

[Pleaseeatyourbreakfast]

Thank you for these responses .
I am going to sign this petition donners thank you

Actually it isn't easy just to increase my hours .. I work now to fit in around my sons schooling . My family are not living close enough to provide regular babysitting .. I also don't earn much more than I would pay in childcare . I am self employed and cannot work during the school holidays .

To answer another question the " spousal " was awarded by the judge with the intention of paying mortgage with it . Also debt from the marriage as Xh racked up debts on credit cards he had put in my name .
I was given a mortgage based on the fact I had a significant deposit.. more than 50% .. But it was hard to get .

[Charley50]

After school club is about £10 a session? Then you can work till 5. Maybe your DS school doesn't have one? Can't remember what you said about tax credits but presumably you've looked into them already as CM doesn't affect them.
You said you've got savings.. I would use them to help pay mortgage if you are happy there, rather than moving.
I know your question is about maintenance but I think you need to find ways to support yourself better. Hopefully ex is just being nasty or finds a new job, but still it would be good to be self-reliant if the maintenance might be cut so massively.

[starry0ne]

I would say an initial appointment with a sols will be worth while if you don't believe him..
However you are now in a self protection time here..You say you wouldn't get help due to savings meaning you have well over £6,000..So that is 6 months mortgage.You have to make a decision are you going to pour that money into a mortgage which you will I assume reach a point you can't pay or sell and move to a cheaper area. Sometimes moving to the next town can make a huge difference.

This is a rubbish situation for you and DS.

[TinySalmon]

Sorry OP, I'm with some of the other ladies on this one - it is not your right to rely on and live off your XH. My my parents divorced my mom got nothing, she went back to work full time and I was in before and after schools clubs because she was working long hours, plus childcare during school holidays, to make ends meets. 50% of her wages went on childcare but she didn't have a choice.

You need to do what you need to do to get by. Going to solicitors will achieve nothing. He has lost his job and cannot afford the outlay. If and when he gets another job, then you can resume the discussion on maintenance payments. If he had a good job before I'm sure it won't be long until he lands another job. Sit tight

[Pleaseeatyourbreakfast]

I have zero savings .. If you read my original posts it does say that I run an overdraft and balance credit card debt
I put every penny Into a deposit for a home for Ds .. Because I was put in a position where I had to do so .
I cannot use after school as Ds has special needs
Getting a little frustrated here as I was seeking genuine advice
I am sorry

[VimFuego101]

I think the advice you've been given is good. You cannot get blood out of a stone and you need to plan things so you can manage without the maintenance from your ex if it turns out he genuinely is losing his job.

[wannabestressfree]

Sorry but your answers are frustrating and largely negative. Your current life is unsustainable and every suggestion is met with 'I can't'.... well you have to.
Like I said I have three sons and two with asd. I work full-time and they went to after school. You are going to have to consider all the options or downsize.